DM is homeless and penniless

[Pottlee]

I don’t know where to post this really, so apologies if it’s the wrong place.

My mum has been carer for her mum for maybe 5 years. Grandmother has now sadly passed away. Inheritance wise she has left a small amount behind, which is split between her two 60 ish year old ‘children’ (my mum and my uncle) - around £5-10k each. Mum and her brother have a fractured relationship but showed themselves to get on for the sake of their mum. Not sure it’s going to be as hunkydory now their mother has passed.

Now to the main point - my mum has nothing, like nothing to her name. She has no home (lived with her mum as carer), no money (other than the small inheritance) and no income at all. She has never worked so had made no contributions. She also had never claimed any benefits. The home she lived in with her mother will be sold and that money will go to an equity release company and to pay off a load of other debts.
What on earth happens to her now?
My uncle says she’s my responsibility now, but I would hate for that to be the case in that I don’t have room for her to live at my house, and harsh as it sounds I don’t want to become responsible for her for the rest of her life - hats off to everyone who can do it, but the idea of me having to care for her the way that she cared for her mum is just a no I’m afraid. We are close in a way but don’t get on in another. I couldn’t live with her. It would make my life unbearable and no doubt spell the end of my marriage because my DH couldn’t tolerate her daily either. My 2 DC love her but daily it would be disastrous. She is very lazy, judgemental, negative and nasty. And as I said would be able to make very little/no financial contribution.

So 1. Is she really regarded my responsibility now? 2. What should she do with regards of somewhere to live (she has no money for that) and income for the rest of her life? Is she not entitled to anything as she’s made no contributions or claimed anything at any point?

I’m aware I may come across as heartless because I don’t want to take her on so to speak, but I do want to help her set herself up somehow if she can. I’m just not in a position to be able to offer a place to live or financially.

please if anyone can advise who she can speak to or what she can do. Thank you.

Well it was common enough where I lived. People have different experiences, it doesn’t mean they are wrong.

Where was that? Up to 1977 I lived in rural Aberdeenshire and it certainly wasn't used there other than as RainyDaysSundays mentions or jokingly.

This.

Excellent post from @AshleyBlue

I wonder if the disorganisation, relationship problems, and essentially hiding from modern life and avoiding having a job are symptoms of something like autism? Or could she be functionally illiterate? Dyslexia? ADHD causing problems in and of itself, or knock on effects on her self-esteem? If she's been considered 'disorganised', or a pain in the arse to deal with, or 'lazy' all her life, maybe this sort of criticism has become a self-fulfilling prophecy? People hide from life for all sorts of reasons.

This is what I was wondering too @mathanxiety .

Yes funnily enough I know this without watching TV as my mum left her husband 3 months before I was born. "Funny business no husband!" Were the types of comment bandied about on the maternity ward. "You've made your bed you can now lie on it!" are the words her parents said to her when she asked if she could stay with them a while - pregnant and with their 4 and 3 year old grandsons.
I was given a place in nursery full time from the age of 3 to get me out of that home environment and social services visited many times but always found us spotless with home baking but people were suspicious of my single parent mum thinking she would steal their husbands. And her husband paid her child support which was pennies above the benefit claiming threshold so she wasn't a burden on the state he just couldn't keep his hands off another woman in his work place - social care approved school.

There were terrible attitudes to single mothers then - and to their poor children a lot of the time.

I'm glad we have moved on from that horrible shaming.

@Seliak No employer will look at a 60 year old that has never worked.
Employers aren't even keen to employ experienced 60 year olds with a lot to offer, so this lady has virtually no chance.

@fetchacloth I agree it would hard having never worked at all to get something now. However, it wouldn't necessarily be impossible. The country is crying out for care workers- and she has experience in that, having been a carer until recently!

Ultimately though it's not the OP's responsibility that this woman has avoided work all her life.

There are agencies who need carers to live in for periods of time. Similar to what OP's mum has been doing.

No she's not your responsibility at all. She will be able to apply for social housing and benefits. Over 55s don't usually have to wait as long (not in my area anyway) as there's specific housing for them and they have a faster turnover than family homes.

It's on marriage certificates but hasn't been used in everyday conversation for many decades.

I would like to add that the more you help your mum, the longer it will take for her to sort herself out. If the council think for a single minute that you can house her even temporarily, they will not be putting her on any list.
If you have the time, go with her to Age Concern, they are very helpful, or any of the other places PPs have mentioned, but don’t jump to help her.
She needs to get it that the buck has stopped and it is firmly in her lap.

Many decades - yes 40 years as I have previously said the word spinster was used in the red neck area of North Yorkshire where I lived up to the mid 80s. It may not be others experience but it was where I lived. My grandad (born in 1923) referred to a few women he knew as spinsters. He took Chrysanthemums to one for years and every time would say she was a spinster cos her sweetheart was killed in the war.

I don't see why she can't work. She is of employment age in the Uk and wont get a state pension until 67. I'm only a couple of years younger. She could do a carers job or work in retail for example. I have many friends in their 60s who, like me, are working full time. I'm shocked at how many people are writing her off and happy for her to live off the state. I agree she may need help with housing but she will have some inheritance and OP has said she chooses not to work, not that she can't. It's not up to me and other working people to support what is effectively a lifestyle choice.

It's also not up to the OP to support her either.

Yes have to agree

I agree that she is still the age to be working, I'm in my 60's and work part-time in retail. The problem is she has never worked and by the sound of it hasn't ever wanted to. I think with this track record she is not going to be a very attractive potential employee for anyone and is therefore unlikely to get a job and even if she did get one I wonder if she is going to work enough to keep it.

@CheeseCakeSunflowers she's been a carer for the last 5 years so has plenty of experience and this country is crying out for carers. As a pp suggested she could also look at providing live in care. A friend has this for her elderly father and there's a real shortage of carers; the ones he's had have mostly been from overseas and it seems likely the OPs mum would have no problem finding work in this field. The real problem
Though seems to be that she has no desire or expectation to work because it's easier to try to shift responsibility onto others

I think with this track record she is not going to be a very attractive potential employee for anyone and is therefore unlikely to get a job and even if she did get one I wonder if she is going to work enough to keep it.

The jobcentre sends people on training schemes if they've been unemployed for a while. Everything from CV writing and interview skills to helping organise volunteer placements for work experience/references. There's schemes with employers to offer incentives to take on the long term unemployed too, I think.

If you don't attend these or if you're offered a job but get fired, you're seen as having left the job voluntarily and can't claim again for a specific timeline. It's different to being made redundant which is a non-fault situation.

So unless OP's mum had amassed some savings whilst working to live off once fired, until she could claim again, she'd be facing rent arrears and the resulting homelessness. Or at least massive credit card debt/loans etc if she paid living expenses that way.

When she did claim again she'd find herself back at square one being hassled to look for work, only this time she'd have a failed job. The jobcentre staff can see your work history, they know if you're a worker or not and they don't take kindly to the spongers so they wouldn't be giving her any leeway.

She'd possibly have lost all her possessions through homelessness too and be on the streets. Or else have debts to pay for out of her benefits.

Rent arrears is often considered voluntary homelessness so no help from housing. She'd have to get in with some or other homeless charity who might provide a hostel space if they have one and look for private rental with their help.

There's really no advantage to deliberately getting yourself fired! Unless perhaps there's someone you can sponge off for accommodation and food.

This thread has been on my mind.

OP's mother seems more like a heroine from a Jean Rhys novel than a woman born in the early 1960s. There's the vagueness, the sticking her head in the sand, the not coping with everyday routine, the ignoring reality and the relying on other people to provide for her, particularly men she wasn't married to.

This post is referring to the fact that the local authority can disregard property equity when calculating care fees if a relative lives there who is over 60 or incapacitated.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5a7e21d040f0b62305b81026/Relatives_Property_Disregard_Guidance_final.pdf

This would not apply in this case as it is not the local authority calculating care home fees but a debt already owed against the house which is due to be repaid on the death of the person named (OPs Gran). Nothing to do with the local authority in this case.

That makes a lot more sense!

She needs to talk to the CAB.

If she is not on the electoral roll and didn't otherwise advise the government when she was in the county things could be worse than she thinks.

Council tax has a discount of 25% so if your grandmother was getting that discount it was got fraudulently.

She needs to check with the country she was in for 15 years, she might have a claim from them for benefits.

She needs to start a claim for universal credit ASAP.

Not being on the electoral roll is in theory an offence for which she could be fined.
I don't know if the penalty for this is actually imposed.

However not being on it will make it almost impossible to lease a home, get a mobile phone contract or even open a bank account.