DM is homeless and penniless

[Pottlee]

I don’t know where to post this really, so apologies if it’s the wrong place.

My mum has been carer for her mum for maybe 5 years. Grandmother has now sadly passed away. Inheritance wise she has left a small amount behind, which is split between her two 60 ish year old ‘children’ (my mum and my uncle) - around £5-10k each. Mum and her brother have a fractured relationship but showed themselves to get on for the sake of their mum. Not sure it’s going to be as hunkydory now their mother has passed.

Now to the main point - my mum has nothing, like nothing to her name. She has no home (lived with her mum as carer), no money (other than the small inheritance) and no income at all. She has never worked so had made no contributions. She also had never claimed any benefits. The home she lived in with her mother will be sold and that money will go to an equity release company and to pay off a load of other debts.
What on earth happens to her now?
My uncle says she’s my responsibility now, but I would hate for that to be the case in that I don’t have room for her to live at my house, and harsh as it sounds I don’t want to become responsible for her for the rest of her life - hats off to everyone who can do it, but the idea of me having to care for her the way that she cared for her mum is just a no I’m afraid. We are close in a way but don’t get on in another. I couldn’t live with her. It would make my life unbearable and no doubt spell the end of my marriage because my DH couldn’t tolerate her daily either. My 2 DC love her but daily it would be disastrous. She is very lazy, judgemental, negative and nasty. And as I said would be able to make very little/no financial contribution.

So 1. Is she really regarded my responsibility now? 2. What should she do with regards of somewhere to live (she has no money for that) and income for the rest of her life? Is she not entitled to anything as she’s made no contributions or claimed anything at any point?

I’m aware I may come across as heartless because I don’t want to take her on so to speak, but I do want to help her set herself up somehow if she can. I’m just not in a position to be able to offer a place to live or financially.

please if anyone can advise who she can speak to or what she can do. Thank you.

I second that.

No she did not!!!!! 60 year old here who has worked fulltime since graduating aged 22, and part-time since age 15!!

There is nothing to indicate she is vulnerable. Just bone idle and lazy. Claiming she needs to be supported merely because she is 60 is absurd.

Most of the circumstances you describe are the result of voluntary choices, btw. And my path of life has been anything but smooth. But I have been careful in my choices, always with an eye toward independence and long-range security. If you think I enjoy getting up every morning and going to work, think again. But it's what decent people do.

The vast majority of 60 year old are fit, healthy and of sound mind to take care of themselves. Wise up!

OPs mother chose to make herself "vulnerable" - though I am far from convinced that she is, in fact, "vulnerable" compared to lots of less fortunate individuals.

You're not at death's door when you turn 60!!!!!!!!!

^ couldn't agree more!

The grandmother did equity release and the company want their money (and are entitled to it now the homeowner is deceased). Paying them off will apparently use up most of the value of the house.

Do NOT take her in.

If you do she will be considered to be in accommodation and the council won't even entertain the idea of housing her.

I really can’t understand how in this day and age someone in their 60s hasn’t got either a bank account or mobile phone, she will need both to claim benefits. It sounds like she’s basically opted out of society, which is fine if you have an alternative way to look after yourself, but she sounds like she still expects everyone else to support her completely.

I think she’s going to have a hell of a wake up call when she has to start looking after herself.

Also daft of someone to say op's mum was from an era when it was more common to be a sahm ? That's nonsense, I am five years younger than op's mum and it was never ever seen as a long term option for my generation or those slightly older than me !

I'm in my late 50s, not much younger than your mum. I've worked all my life. I can't believe so many people are advising her about benefits. She needs to get a job. It's not the job of working people to support people who are capable of working but are too lazy to get a job.

Agreed. It does make you wonder whether there is some kind of depression at play or just kind of opted out of society. But then again in my job I see loads of people in their early sixties who have absolutely not idea how to use an Iphone or make a claim for benefits online. they just shrug their shoulders and say they can't do it. A large part of my job is making online claims for computer illiterate people in their late fifties/ early sixties who cannot do it themselves. hence also wny CAB exists I guess !

They are advising about benefits because she has to have something to live off until she gets a job ! Sound slike she has not yet received her inheritance money and if she was living off her mum then all her benefits will have ceased when she died. She can't live off fresh air. And in no way is it going to be easy to just walk into a job when she's never worked for the past 60 years ! Claiming Uc will hopefully also get her some help with writing a CV etc.

Good point.

For that matter my mother, all of the women of her generation and all of the women of the prior generation, in my family on maternal and paternal side, worked. There may have been a few pre-school years of SAHM-hood for a few of them, though with the elders they were usually in three-generations (or more) households so there was always someone around to watch the kids.

My grandmother born 1910 and grandmother born 1917 always worked; one was a laundress and later small shopkeeper, and one was a cleaner and later, worked in a chemist's shop as a clerk. Never were they SAHM until around age 60. My mother worked from age 17 to age 64 in secretarial jobs, despite being married. She died in 2006 and would be 85 now.

A 60-year-old, come on. My generation was encouraged to attain higher education and NOT be dependent on a man.

Uncle should have took more notice of what was happening and not left it all to your mum. Whatever has happened to the money or the debts. All very strange. Has somebody been pilfering? Has there been elder financial abuse?

I'm not being judgemental your mum came from a time when it was more expected to be a sahm

Cobblers. If DM is 60 then she was born in 1963. In the mid 1980s she'd have been in her early 20s and a bit younger than me and I can tell you that a lot of women worked and a lot of them were mothers.

It is a shame the mother did the equity release knowing she has a daughter with no income or assets.

There are lots of people, living fully on benefits, claiming Carers’ allowance. The OPs mum didn’t claim any benefits although she would have been entitled to. Looking after her own mother has saved the taxpayer plenty.

She may have to find work, but surely the most pressing issue is getting her onto the systems for benefits and housing?

The council tax could be an issue for her, especially if your gm was claiming a single discount.

Why? It wasn't her responsibility to leave an inheritance for her feckless daughter. Why the hell shouldn't she spend her own money?

If she is homeless she is vulnerable. It’s used as a definition when housing people.

I don’t really care about your views on lifestyle choices. Ill health isn’t one, neither is DV or mental health issues. All of these can lead to someone becoming homeless so you can get of your high horse as far as I am concerned.

My dm worked in the 70s and 80s and so did my dgm in the generation before

I know women who didn’t work and were SAHM, including my own sister.

Presumably their dhs supported them

DM didn't work when we were small

Neither did mine until DF died and she had to go back to work; and I suspect she was bored senseless.

A sahm their entire working life? So from 16 to mid 60s your sister was a sahp?