DM is homeless and penniless

[Pottlee]

I don’t know where to post this really, so apologies if it’s the wrong place.

My mum has been carer for her mum for maybe 5 years. Grandmother has now sadly passed away. Inheritance wise she has left a small amount behind, which is split between her two 60 ish year old ‘children’ (my mum and my uncle) - around £5-10k each. Mum and her brother have a fractured relationship but showed themselves to get on for the sake of their mum. Not sure it’s going to be as hunkydory now their mother has passed.

Now to the main point - my mum has nothing, like nothing to her name. She has no home (lived with her mum as carer), no money (other than the small inheritance) and no income at all. She has never worked so had made no contributions. She also had never claimed any benefits. The home she lived in with her mother will be sold and that money will go to an equity release company and to pay off a load of other debts.
What on earth happens to her now?
My uncle says she’s my responsibility now, but I would hate for that to be the case in that I don’t have room for her to live at my house, and harsh as it sounds I don’t want to become responsible for her for the rest of her life - hats off to everyone who can do it, but the idea of me having to care for her the way that she cared for her mum is just a no I’m afraid. We are close in a way but don’t get on in another. I couldn’t live with her. It would make my life unbearable and no doubt spell the end of my marriage because my DH couldn’t tolerate her daily either. My 2 DC love her but daily it would be disastrous. She is very lazy, judgemental, negative and nasty. And as I said would be able to make very little/no financial contribution.

So 1. Is she really regarded my responsibility now? 2. What should she do with regards of somewhere to live (she has no money for that) and income for the rest of her life? Is she not entitled to anything as she’s made no contributions or claimed anything at any point?

I’m aware I may come across as heartless because I don’t want to take her on so to speak, but I do want to help her set herself up somehow if she can. I’m just not in a position to be able to offer a place to live or financially.

please if anyone can advise who she can speak to or what she can do. Thank you.

Living under the radar has its disadvantages, doesn’t it?

Sorry, that’s not what I meant. She didn’t work for 12 years while the kids were young. It wasn’t that unusual tbh. I know other people who did the same. Childcare wasn’t as readily available as it is now. In my parents generation many women didn’t work, though plenty did of course. Things have changed markedly over the past 50 years and mostly for the better.

Because without her "feckless daughter" she would have perhaps had to spend a damn sight more of her money on a care home. As it is, she has presumably enjoyed the benefits of her equity release in some way - eg holidays, treating herself to nice clothes etc.

As it is, her daughter has liked after her and now paid for it by having no home.

What did she think was going to happen, really?

Goodness the young 'uns on this thread are really showing their age @Luddite26

Women who are 60s today were very much working in the 1970s and 1980s. All my friends who went to uni in the 1970s worked and mostly full time, then maybe p/t when their DCs were young, then went back to work full time.

Most of the places I worked (Civil Service, banks) would have not been able to function without women employees and they can't all have been without children.

She can apply for an over 55 bungalow type home from the council.

What nonsense. She looked after her mother for some of the last 5 years. We're not taking decades here. And she had no home beforehand anyway! So in return for providing some care, she's lived rent free, all expenses paid, for the last 5 years.

Your mum is really not your responsibility as harsh as it sounds.
She should get herself on the council housing list ASAP and like others have said she should go to Citizens Advice to see what she can claim for. She should be able to get Universal credit and housing benefit and maybe other benefits too.

@Pottlee putting all the judgement aside, your Mum needs a to do list and she's going to need support to achieve it.

1. Open a bank account
2. Present as homeless to the council, but they'll only take it seriously once the house is sold, because she can live in it until it is.
3. Visit her local Job Centre and ask for support to claim Universal Credit (She can do it online but may have trouble with identity checks if she has no photo ID).

It must be a very scary time for her, regardless of whether she made good decisions or not.

She needs register for UC immediately. She needs to use some of this inheritance to put a deposit on a room in a shared house where housing benefit will likely pay for her rent providing she applies for jobs. She will get sanctioned if she does not try to get a job. There is a shortage of carers. Could she register with a caring agency. She may not have qualifications but she has experience of caring for an elderly person. Most agencies will put her through basic qualifications so she could work. If she gets too much money she would be expected to spend that before claiming benefits but £5k she can claim.

Your uncle is a tit.

He's telling you he is washing his hands of responsibility. Did your mum do the majority of care for her mother?

You can steer your mum in the direction of the services and welfare she can avail of. She can be encouraged to get a job that requires few skills, just reliability and punctuality.

The uncle has a lifetime of experience of the DM and her character. Maybe he has good reason for his indifference now.

YYY to all of this.

Who has been in charge of the finances up to now?

A lot of what you posted about your uncle's communication with you is ringing alarm bells.

Yes, I was going to query this

I'm not being judgemental your mum came from a time when it was more expected to be a sahm.

The mother is 60. Where on earth are posters getting the idea that women of that age are/ were expected to SAHM?

I'd suspect the uncle had his hands in the pot and wants to walk away with no questions asked.

@caringcarer why does she need to ‘get a room in a shared house’? Its been made quite clear that there is more availability of housing for over 60s than for the general population. As she will be homeless, she will be classed as a priority because of her age.

@Pottlee Age UK link https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/in-your-area/

Hi OP,
What occurred to me reading your thread is that normally people are asked to stay put in their house until they are evicted (if they don't find somewhere else) for fear of the Council deciding that they have made themselves intentionally homeless.

Your mum should stay put in your gran's house, if she has nowhere permanent to go, until she is evicted by the equity release company. Assuming the interest on the loan continues to accrue there may be no equity left - this might be why your uncle is keen for you to take your mum in - because while she continues to live in the house I expect the interest continues to accrue on the loan.

However if any equity is used up while your mum waits to be rehoused then so be it. Your uncle should remember that it would probably have cost 4k each month if your gran had been in a residential home and there would also be no money left in that case. Hopefully your mum will be found some accommodation, for example over 55 accommodation, quickly and the house can then be sold.

I think it might be worth making a referral to social services for your mum to see if they will consider her a vulnerable adult and help get her set up. You say you do not consider her vulnerable but as she is at risk of homelessness and has no income and not even a bank account then she is at risk of falling outside of any systems of help and becoming homeless.

I think you should put any idea of moving your mum into your house completely out of the question. She is 61 not 91 - she doesn't need caring for. Your kids are used to their own rooms and you and your mum are used to having your independence. The best time to set her up is now - it will be multiple times harder to get her set up in her own place and get her finances sorted when she is warm and safe and housed with you.

If she has no income she will be entitled to benefits (as it sounds like she has lived back in the country for quite a few years?) and when she is a pensioner if she hasn't any income and not entitled to much contribution based state pension then she will be entitled to pension credit.

Just edited to add I think equity release companies usually have a "no negative equity" guarantee. Have a read of any info that you can find from the company.

No one is legally responsible for their parents but if you have a good relationship then lots feel an ethical/moral responsibility. However, having an ethical responsibility for someone doesn't mean you have to care for their every need and have them move in with you! In this scenario, you might want to consider working with her/supporting her to apply for benefits and get on the housing register. You can help her get settled in and point her toward help she might need but you by no means have to do what she did for her mum. That was her own choice and there is no shame or guilt if that is not yours.

Assuming her mother's house was rented, I'm guessing the housing need is extremely urgent? She might have to go into temporary accommodation for a while but given her age, they might be able to get her into age related accommodation. If you decide to support her in applying for things, make it clear to social services (or whoever is involved) that you're not able or available to do any more than that.

Hopefully she gets sorted soon!

Why would you think it’s the Uncle?

Bloody hell some of you have very peculiar ideas about people in their 50s/early 60s.

A lot of my friends are turning 60 in the next couple of years and we have all worked apart from maternity leave! I don’t anyone who had kids and stopped work totally, sorry, apart from two quite wealthy individuals.

Now my MIL gave up work and was a SAHM. My mum worked part time for years. It was ‘different then’ so I am told.

A person who is 60 and had never worked, saved, paid into a pension is in for a really shit old age. I can’t believe that someone has been so bloody feckless to put themselves into such a situation.

do not bail her out!

She needs legal advice regarding challenging the mother's will. She was effectively financially dependant on her mother so may be able to argue a greater / different split of will due to said financial/ housing dependency etc.

If she was born and registered in the UK, has a birth certificate and has been registered with a doctor how can your uncle possibly say that the government will think she doesn't exist? But how has she been living? Did she work when she was younger? Was she supported financially by a former husband/partner? Did you ever have 'the conversation' with her about what would happen when your Gran died?

She should not leave the house either. Until legal eviction

I wouldn't worry yourself about whether your mum will or won't work or could be a professional carer etc. When she gets sorted with universal credit that is between her and her work coach. Don't get involved to that extent. There are people whose job it is to put pressure on people to get into work and it isn't your job to put pressure on your mum.