Just found out my mother died in January. No one told me before now and my sister has inherited everything.

[Ratatouee]

I had an abusive mother growing up and when my father died a few years ago, no one told me for months (family members were afraid of her wrath). I didn’t even know he was ill/dying and was not notified of his death or funeral. I was incredibly sad about this. I live overseas, but my sister had my email as I visited her circa 18 months-2 years before he died (she didn’t mention to me at all that he had lung cancer and I think there’s a high probability she may have known at this point). I live overseas and so flew back to visit his grave and place flowers, as soon as I could, once I had heard the news of his passing.

Fast-forward a few more years, and I have found out via an old school friend this week, that my mother has also died (earlier this year). An unexpected/sudden death, apparently. I have been in shock. I just don’t understand how cruel my Aunty (who also had my email address and whom I thought loved me), could, in all conscience, not let me know my mother (her sister) had died, when she knew/saw how upset I’d been when I wasn’t told my late father was ill/had died? My sister has not contacted me either.

I’m guessing my sister must have inherited everything from our late mother’s estate, as no one has contacted me about her will. I’m not a materialistic person, however, my dad always told me and my sister that when he died, he’d leave each of us a house (he owned several at the time). I have no idea who the Executor of his will was and whether or not anything might have been left in his will to me. It’s a similar situation with my late mother: I have an old Will of hers she signed/had witnessed years ago, in which she states her wishes are to divide everything in her estate between my sister and I upon her death. I have no idea whether she changed her Will as we lost touch/didn’t get along for years due to her abuse, which continued into my adulthood. I’m not aware who the Executor of her will is either, or know where to begin to try to find out.

I’m wondering if anyone has any knowledge of contesting a will? Is it expensive? Is it worth the effort (etc)? I’m wondering if perhaps I haven’t been left ‘reasonable financial provision' as her eldest daughter (of two)? I’m a single, divorced over 55 woman with hardly and pension accumulated who struggles to fund a home/car/bills etc, (although I get by, by working my butt off). My sister was already well-off as she literally won the lottery decades ago (not the main prize, but a substantial amount that was enough to buy an investment property and a barn to convert into a home).

It can be costly contesting a Will from what I’ve read online. I’m not an adversarial person by nature, in fact I’m the polar opposite of my fiery/nasty sister and late mother, but the way I’ve been silenced/cut out, as if I don’t exist, has really upset me. If I were to gain anything from my late mother’s estate, I’d probably give it to my two adult children/her grandchildren. My mother had all my childhood/baby photos. At the very least, I’d have loved to have been passed some of them to be able to share with my children (and seem them for myself too after 50-ish years!)

Part of me says ‘sod them’ and I hope my sister ‘chokes’ on everything she has grabbed. The other part says: But what about all the poverty-stricken and abusive and neglectful childhood I had to live through, complete with emotional and physical abuse and now it’s as if I didn’t matter at all and didn't/don’t exist in my sister and mother’s eyes?

I’m wondering if you can please share your opinion of you would do in this situation? I feel really mixed about it all. She died in January this year, so I don’t even know if it’s too late to contest? I’ve only just found out, so I’m not sure if that has some bearing?

Sometimes, apart from my wonderful adult children, I wonder if it may have been better for me not to have been born at all. It would have saved all the pain, all the abuse and heartache and now this…the final ‘nail in the coffin.’ Literally.

Please be kind with your replies. She may not have liked me, but she was my mother after all. Thank you 💜

Unless you’re Scottish you’re not entitled to anything as her daughter. “Reasonable financial provision” is not a thing - it’s not a divorce!

The stately homes thread on the relationships board might be of more practical and emotional help to you.
💐💐

Sorry to hear this. Not a legal expert but I know that in Eng/Wales you can buy a copy of any will if probate has been granted so I’d find out what it says first.

https://www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

My understanding is that unless you are a dependent child (ie you have additional needs or have historically been supported by an income from a parent) you have no automatic right to inheritance.

Think it is different in Scotland.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
I won't address everything in your op.
If your DM died earlier this year you could apply for a copy of the probate.
Just Google it, I can't add a link as I'm on my phone.
You may find she's changed her will and cut you out but at least you'll know.

I suggest that you seek some therapy to help you come to terms with your childhood and what happened to you.

With regards to your mother’s death and your inheritance, you had no relationship with these people. Even the auntie you thought would have told you.

The fact you refer to them all having your “email address” shows that you weren’t close to any of them. So it stands to reason they may not have thought to let you know your mother had died.

Even your father presumably could have told you he was ill? Why didn’t he?

I’m sorry you had such a toxic family, but tbh I would take this opportunity to find a way to move forward with your life and put them all behind you.

I agree with @Edwardandtubbs, a parent needs to be financially supporting a child at the time of their death for them to have a chance of contesting a Will.

If you had been left anything it is up to the Executors to contact you.

I'm sorry for what you have been through.

It doesn’t sound like you had any kind of relationship with your mum so what makes you think you should inherit anything from her? Why would you want to anyway, I’d she was abusive?

Yes you live overseas but clearly you had nothing to do with your father, who you loved, or you'd have been aware of his illness/death, even if it was just that you'd not been in contact in months. As a pp said there was obviously no relationship there on either side, I'm assuming because of your abusive childhood. I would probably try to speak to someone about it all, including what is probably a very complex grief now. Anything you were left in a will will be yours and the executor or solicitor would have contacted you. What does your aunt say now I wonder.

I am sorry for your loss but surely you could of tried to keep in touch with your family ?

It's not all on them OP, it works both ways..

Op were you NC with your parents?

Sorry for your loss. As PPs have said, you have no grounds to contest the will, if your mother lived in England & Wales, provided that your mother's instructions have been carried out. If she did in fact leave money to you, that is a different story.

You can easily find out what both your parents' wills said, using the link posted above. I suspect you will discover that your dad left everything to your mum, who has now left her estate to your sister, but getting the wills would clarify this for you.

Depends on the country your parents lived in but broadly in most places parents don’t have a responsibility to leave financial provision for adult non dependent children. There are some countries which are an exception and where you cannot “disinherit” your children.

If your parents lived in England then they can leave what they want to who they want. The problem is you don’t know. The executors should share copies of the will with you at your request though - and if you were named they would have a legal duty to do so (again English law). However I did have to fight tooth and nail to see a copy of my father’s will as the executor was difficult. I would suggest you try to keep it civil if you ask for a copy but you can also do a probate search online and potentially order copies if they are there. This is a paid service but less likely to cause drama within your relatives.

I’m really sorry to hear this. It’s very hard to have to limit relationships with your parents in order to protect your wellbeing. I personally have experienced a lifelong difficult relationship with a parent and being excluded and left out of a will is a brutal final rejection. Do take care.

Thank you all for your replies. For years we were ‘no contact’ as I withdrew as a protective measure. I then moved back to the UK for a while and visited my sister, mother and aunt (the latter two, several times for coffee/chats). Although my mother was the abuser (not me), I tried to foster a reconciliation/hold out the olive branch so-to-speak, trying to find a way to move forward positively, given both of us were ‘getting on in years.’

It really doesn’t matter about the money. It truly doesn’t. It’s more the principle of it’s like I never really mattered to her, which hurts (as it would no doubt, for many daughters who tried their hardest to ‘please’ and appease their mother, to no avail). She was determined to dislike me all my life. She even burnt my wedding veil on the day of my wedding by ‘ironing it’ before the ceremony, which I later found out from a friend of hers, was a deliberate act. I’ll never know why she was so cruel to me. Maybe I was an unwanted pregnancy? I’ve raised my own children with love, kindness; respecting their opinions, encouraging their goals and aspirations and they’re both amazing adults. I’m proud the Cycle of Abuse was halted dead in its tracks by me.

I may email my aunt to ask if she is aware of whether my baby photos still exist, or were thrown. There’s an entire chapter of my life from birth through to teenage hood ‘missing’ that I haven’t been able to share with my children. Unless you’ve experienced that ‘loss of history and identity,’ I’m not certain it’s easy to understand.

Than you again for all your replies-even the ‘curt’ ones. I think I’ll let ‘sleeping dogs lie’ and just keep on keeping on with life as it is. I may link in with some counselling, so thanks also for this suggestion.

Did your sister not also have a poverty stricken, neglected childhood. You moved away abroad did you not cut them off as much as they you?

I've cut my sister off as she's abusive and my mum barely speaks to her either even though she's dying because of her behaviour.

You want a house and money though you dislike them so much. Did your sister stay behind and spend time with her mother whilst you moved abroad?

If you were NC I don't see why you should be told or given anything.

I've been NC with my abusive mother for 30 years or more and if she left me anything in her will I'd refuse to accept it. It would be tainted.

My sister didn't suffer the same level of abuse that I did.

This!!

OP, there are some not very nice replies here and some constructive ones too. Try and take the “curt” ones with a pinch of salt. They are reading a tiny snippet of your life and back story and hence have no idea what you have been through. I’ve nothing to add other than I’m sorry that you weren’t told about either parents death. Regardless of the situation it’s still not nice to lose a parent, even worse to not be told of their death for months on end. I had a step-grandparent (but the only one id known as my mums real mum had passed away when she was young) that I was in no contact with for several years and only recently found out about their death in 2021 - I found out by looking online. I was no contact because of the way she treated my mum when my grandfathers will was given and out of respect for how much she had hurt my mum - I couldn’t forgive her. It still hurt when I found out she had died though. I still felt a mixture of sadness and deep regret about how things could have been different. I think counselling is a great constructive idea. Another way would be to try and recount happier times from your childhood (they can’t have all been bad) and write them down in a notebook. If you don’t get your childhood photos back it would be a way of recording your childhood - just differently.

Did you even read my recent post?

@Ratatouee You don't know what your mothers will actually said, until you follow the advice above and do so, you can't make decisions on whether to pursue the matter or not.

Executors have a legal duty to find beneficiaries.

If you re not included, then unless you can prove your mother lacked capacity, was made under undue influence or is invalid, then its tough & you'd be better off forgetting the whole thing.

Sorry just seen your last post... forget above

I know it sounds harsh, but if I were not in contact with my mother to the point I didn’t know she had died. I wouldn’t expect to inherit anything. I am sorry you have had a difficult time with your family but I also think therapy to put things behind you would be beneficial.

I was thinking the same as @BoobyDazzler . Why want something so tainted?

You sound very grabby for no discernible reason.
Keep your dignity and don't ask for anything, beyond pictures if you can't help yourself

You understandably went NC with your mum. But you don't explain why you did with your dad. Was he abusive too? If not, why did you not keep in contact?

I’m no contact with my parents. I know that when they die all their money will be given to others. I’ve learnt over the years that my abusive traumatic childhood doesn’t mean I’m entitled to anything and the world does not owe me a favour. The thought of being left anything makes me feel sick and anxious. My parents split decades ago and my dad is a decent guy. The woman he left me with and the woman he left us for were both truly awful women. They’re all getting on in years now and I often wonder if they’re no longer here. I’ll feel a strange range of emotions when they do die, but I also know because I was the one who chose to walk away that I don’t get the right to be told anything. I’m sorry you’re getting the emotional hit right now OP, but you need to look at this from a different point of view and free yourself from some of the bonds from trauma. I say this as someone who is not at all well off and a large payoff would be amazing, but not from dirty blood money.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to pursue an inheritance, even where there was bad feeling. Relationships are complex- we can simultaneously love and fear people, long for their approval and recognition despite their behaviour to us.

And yes, someone’s family wealth should be shared with all the family assuming individuals haven’t behaved badly.

This is actually under way in my family so I’m fairly aware of the complexities.

OP I think you are hoping for recognition from the will, a sign that they haven’t cast you off completely.

You may find your dad left everything to his wife (very normal). She may have specifically excluded you in her will, or else your sister has simply stolen your share- not hard to do, no one checks.

Get someone else to look up and read the wills for you, and tell you whether there’s anything you need to pursue. Don’t read them yourself in case they are upsetting.