Just found out my mother died in January. No one told me before now and my sister has inherited everything.

[Ratatouee]

I had an abusive mother growing up and when my father died a few years ago, no one told me for months (family members were afraid of her wrath). I didn’t even know he was ill/dying and was not notified of his death or funeral. I was incredibly sad about this. I live overseas, but my sister had my email as I visited her circa 18 months-2 years before he died (she didn’t mention to me at all that he had lung cancer and I think there’s a high probability she may have known at this point). I live overseas and so flew back to visit his grave and place flowers, as soon as I could, once I had heard the news of his passing.

Fast-forward a few more years, and I have found out via an old school friend this week, that my mother has also died (earlier this year). An unexpected/sudden death, apparently. I have been in shock. I just don’t understand how cruel my Aunty (who also had my email address and whom I thought loved me), could, in all conscience, not let me know my mother (her sister) had died, when she knew/saw how upset I’d been when I wasn’t told my late father was ill/had died? My sister has not contacted me either.

I’m guessing my sister must have inherited everything from our late mother’s estate, as no one has contacted me about her will. I’m not a materialistic person, however, my dad always told me and my sister that when he died, he’d leave each of us a house (he owned several at the time). I have no idea who the Executor of his will was and whether or not anything might have been left in his will to me. It’s a similar situation with my late mother: I have an old Will of hers she signed/had witnessed years ago, in which she states her wishes are to divide everything in her estate between my sister and I upon her death. I have no idea whether she changed her Will as we lost touch/didn’t get along for years due to her abuse, which continued into my adulthood. I’m not aware who the Executor of her will is either, or know where to begin to try to find out.

I’m wondering if anyone has any knowledge of contesting a will? Is it expensive? Is it worth the effort (etc)? I’m wondering if perhaps I haven’t been left ‘reasonable financial provision' as her eldest daughter (of two)? I’m a single, divorced over 55 woman with hardly and pension accumulated who struggles to fund a home/car/bills etc, (although I get by, by working my butt off). My sister was already well-off as she literally won the lottery decades ago (not the main prize, but a substantial amount that was enough to buy an investment property and a barn to convert into a home).

It can be costly contesting a Will from what I’ve read online. I’m not an adversarial person by nature, in fact I’m the polar opposite of my fiery/nasty sister and late mother, but the way I’ve been silenced/cut out, as if I don’t exist, has really upset me. If I were to gain anything from my late mother’s estate, I’d probably give it to my two adult children/her grandchildren. My mother had all my childhood/baby photos. At the very least, I’d have loved to have been passed some of them to be able to share with my children (and seem them for myself too after 50-ish years!)

Part of me says ‘sod them’ and I hope my sister ‘chokes’ on everything she has grabbed. The other part says: But what about all the poverty-stricken and abusive and neglectful childhood I had to live through, complete with emotional and physical abuse and now it’s as if I didn’t matter at all and didn't/don’t exist in my sister and mother’s eyes?

I’m wondering if you can please share your opinion of you would do in this situation? I feel really mixed about it all. She died in January this year, so I don’t even know if it’s too late to contest? I’ve only just found out, so I’m not sure if that has some bearing?

Sometimes, apart from my wonderful adult children, I wonder if it may have been better for me not to have been born at all. It would have saved all the pain, all the abuse and heartache and now this…the final ‘nail in the coffin.’ Literally.

Please be kind with your replies. She may not have liked me, but she was my mother after all. Thank you 💜

Someone I know died earlier this year and was nc with one of his children. TBH the other one is a pretty nasty piece of work as well but that’s by the by.

Anyway he took very sound legal advice when he drew up his will and was told that a child has less chance of being able to contest a will if they’re left something, even if it’s a token.

So he left his nc child 2% of his assets which tbh don’t amount to much anyway.

Contesting a will is a costly business, but I disagree with some on here that the OP would have no chance esp as she was left nothing.

But given the circumstances, I’m not sure why she would want to bother.

I’m sorry you had such a rough childhood.

I think you have to accept that if the only thread of contact you have with your family is email addresses, they don’t have any real obligation to keep you up to date, although yes it would have been nice. You parents presumably didn’t feel you needed to know they were dying, so while your aunt and sister may be deliberately trying to exclude you, it may well be they just think you wouldn’t be interested and/or don’t want to engage with you to avoid dragging up the past for themselves.

it sounds like counselling is long, long overdue, so please get that sorted.

It might be worth calling up the Will to put it to bed - you can then check with the administrating solicitor you weren’t left anything. They should contact you if you were, but if you’re living abroad and your aunt and sister haven’t given them your contacts, it may take them a long time to find you.

Thank you greeneyessparksfly and other posters whose kind words have been like a warm (much-needed) hug.

To all the other posters who have been judgemental - My ‘door’ was always open to my sister and mother. They never reached out. I tried several times, including visiting them when in the UK. My father and I wrote to each other for years. My sister had my email address, but didn’t let me know he was ill/dying/deceased or about his funeral. I lived overseas. My sister was always treated well. I was not. This is why I’ve always wondered whether I was an unwanted pregnancy, whereas my sister was ‘planned.’ I almost died because of one episode of abuse. You simply have no idea-like another (lovely) poster has said, this is just a snapshot.

It is ‘tainted’ money. You’re right. And again, my question was not about ‘money-grabbing’ (I actually, genuinely, don’t give sweet FA about materialism) but about ‘justice/seeking closure’ and hoping for some kind of final act of ‘acknowledgement’ of me, as their daughter.

I am thankful that despite the abuse, the neglect, the fear I lived in as a child and teenager, I have turned out ‘all right!’ I acknowledge/‘see’ ‘me,’ and my children are happy and know they have a safe, loving, kind mother. I therefore have all the ‘riches,’ spiritually, in life I need. Thank you again 🙏

I’m so sorry you had such an awful childhood OP. I would definitely seek therapy if this is something you can afford to do. It’s also awful that no one told you about your parents dying.

I’m going against the grain - this is something I would have a conversation with a solicitor about (maybe the free 10 minutes advice you can get). DH has no contact with his narcissistic and abusive DM. I think if she died and there was inheritance that came to him he could feel like ‘at least she’s done something good for me.’ We could also afford more therapy for him. If sounds like your dad at least wanted you and your sister to be recognised in his will, and if this was the case his wishes should be respected.

Look after yourself whatever you end up doing. It sounds like you have broken the circle with your own children so the toxic part of your mum’s legacy has already been avoided.

Thank you Gunpowder 💜

You sound very grabby for no discernible reason. actually I’m not sure about that.

While I still think that on most levels it would be best for OP to find a way to move forward with her life, equally as the mother was so abusive and if she had had anything left to leave I’d want the bitch to pay. So I might go after the will on the basis that this could be the last opportunity to not let her get what she wanted.

If i was you I would do the probate search for the Will. If she died earlier this year - there is a good chance that Probate is still under way (especially if there are significant assets). Probate at the moment is taking ages. Probate offices at the moment are processing applications for probate made in March of this year.

It could well be the case that the estate is not yet settled at all. It doesn't happen like films make out - where the Will is read to the family shortly after death.

No distributions will be made until Probate is granted.

I understand how unsettling this must be for you.

You come across as strangely passive and detached, perhaps due to your childhood experiences. You chose to go nc yet expect to be kept in the loop. Even your local friends didn't make contact at the time. Wills and probate are published online so once processed you could get copies. There might have been, or still be, a notice in national press trying to trace you if you are due to inherit. If your dm died suddenly there may have been an inquest, details of which may have been reported and available online. Perhaps time to do some digging?

If she died in January the will may not be settled yet. I believe you can get a copy of a will online - maybe that's a first step.

Practicalities first, OP.

Order a copy of both your parents' wills and find out what they actually said. If they was made later than the previous will you were aware of and they leave nothing to you then it does look as though that was what they intended to do. But I think it's worth checking that that is actually what has happened, and not that you were left something but your family members thought they'd get away with not giving it to you if you didn't know your parents had died.

If that is actually the case, consider whether you want to speak to a solicitor and get some advice about contesting the wills. In my view it is likely to be expensive if you pay upfront and the win fee in a no win no fee arrangement is likely to be substantial, so even if you win, which is difficult, you may not end up with much. Remember the person a PP mentioned above was advised to settle out of court so we have no way of knowing what a judge would have decided.

I think it is really shitty that neither your sister nor your aunt contacted you to let you know that your parents had died. It's shocking and humiliating to have to find that out, months later, from someone you aren't even related to.

How badly do you want the family photos? On the one hand, if you don't ask, you don't get. On the other hand, you might ask and still not get. Do you really want memories of such a shitty childhood? I'm not totally sure I would. But that's a very personal thing. If you ask your aunt for them she might have them and give them to you, she might tell you she burned them all ceremoniously, she might tell you she has them and refuse to give them to you. Asking her for something would be giving her some power over you and letting her know that she can still hurt you.

I'm sorry you had such a terrible childhood. I wouldn't be laying flowers on anyone's graves. I would be dancing on them.

I've read all your posts so I'm not just being 'judgemental' but I still don't understand why you put this in your OP as you then seem to backpedal:

I’m wondering if anyone has any knowledge of contesting a will? Is it expensive? Is it worth the effort (etc)? I’m wondering if perhaps I haven’t been left ‘reasonable financial provision' as her eldest daughter (of two)? I’m a single, divorced over 55 woman with hardly and pension accumulated who struggles to fund a home/car/bills etc, (although I get by, by working my butt off). My sister was already well-off as she literally won the lottery decades ago (not the main prize, but a substantial amount that was enough to buy an investment property and a barn to convert into a home).

You had next to no relationship with your mother. She can leave her estate to whoever she wants - why would she leave any to you?

Winds me right up when people go NC with their parents and then get all offended when they don't get a payday when said parent dies.

In answer to your question, I made some enquiries for a friend recently and I was quoted £50,000 in legal fees (by more than one firm) to contest a will with more merit than yours. That was just to get started - it could easily go well into six figures.

Contrary to popular belief you don't get all your legal fees back either if you win. Judges normally award 50-75% of fees, so you still end up out of pocket/fees still come out of your 'share'.

I have nothing legal to bring to this but I just want to say, it is harrowing that your mother singled you out and abused you so badly you almost died @Ratatouee. I cannot imagine such cruelty. I am so sorry.

And deliberately burning your veil on your wedding day… it’s just evil. How can a mother hate and seek to hurt her child that way?

What ‘winds me right up’ is blunt objects posting with clearly no understanding about the psychological trauma and scars left by a childhood of abuse and being othered by your own parent, the one who is supposed to be your safe place…

I understand OP. It's not about getting anything material, it's about the message your mother is sending you by not including you. I know someone who this is likely to happen to and I worry about how hurtful it might be to them. If you want to contest the will, you should seek legal advise and decide if it's worth it. You might also like to seek counselling for your own healing.

I’d want some money as recompense for a shit childhood, probably use it to pay for therapy. Or to enjoy time with my family.

Me too.

Why wouldn’t you want some money to compensate a shit shit childhood. I wouldn’t see it as tainted money, I’d see it purely as compensation.

I’d get a copy of the will and check that you have actually been excluded. If not then you can try to enforce it.

If you have been excluded I’m not sure why you are surprised? You didn’t like this woman and you say she didn’t like you, why would she leave you anything? If your father wanted to leave you a house he could have done so in his will. I can’t see a basis for challenging her will based on what you’ve said.

I’m sorry you had such a horrible upbringing. It makes grief more complicated.

There is some good advice and some incorrect advice in the replies above. It’s not clear whether your parents lived in England, Scotland or Wales. That will make a difference as to whether you will have a right to challenge your parents’ Will.

You first need to obtain a copy of the Will to see if anything was left to you. Don’t assume the executor will have tried to contact you. They do have a legal duty to do so, but the executor is most likely to be your sister or another relative and may well be withholding funds from you.

Start here https://www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

You were estranged from your family so maybe this was to be expected. However, If there was a will you should get a copy. And as someone else suggested contact a solicitor who specialises in no fee contesting of wills,

I appreciate that this story is anecdotal, but your friend probably hasn’t given you the full story. You can’t contest a will on the grounds of “I need the money” in England - you can request that provision be made if you’re a financial dependent, but with a letter saying “rot in hell” it’s probably clear that wasn’t the case!

Plus, no win no fee lawyers are capped on costs, I think at 25%(?) of costs awarded, so if he had been awarded £2 then surely your friend would have only been liable for 50p, maybe plus VAT and disbursements?

I suspect it’s more likely that the will wasn’t validly executed and if it went to court it would be declared invalid, meaning he would actually be entitled to 50%.

I don’t doubt it’s what your friend told you happened but I’ve been subject to this kind of litigation (thankfully the daughter was awarded nothing and had to pay our costs!) and seeing this would have stressed me out hugely!

Slight change of subject, hope that's ok - but if you order a coly of the will, does anyone named in the will get notified? I would like to check the will of a passed relative but if anyone in the family found out it would cause problems. Just wondering if theres a record of who has asked for a copy

For me, if someone is in no contact with someone that means they don’t want anything to do with them and that includes hearing about the illness/death.

I would absolutely tell someone in conversation but I wouldn’t go out of my way to email them about it, as I’d assume they don’t want to hear about it.

If you were trying to be in contact with your mum then you would have found out about her death near the time that it happened.

I would definitely ask if anyone has any photos of you from her but with it being 10 months later, I wouldn’t hold out any hope.

It’s natural to feel shock at someone’s death, even if they were abusive.

But perhaps you could see this as a chance to have a fresh start with your other family members, without the worry if your mum and dad.

You won’t get anything financially as you chose to go NC but if I was you I wouldn’t want anything from then anyway.
Whatever you received would feel tainted and I don’t think it would help you with getting closure.

I get it too, it is not about the money but it seems like a final 'F**k you' - that nobody even bothered to tell her about the death. A simple email would have been all it would have taken. I can't imagine the shock and to be honest humiliation of having to find something like this out from a local friend.

I think it is quite cruel to criticise the Op here and shows a lack of understanding of childhood trauma.

I’m guessing my sister must have inherited everything from our late mother’s estate, as no one has contacted me about her will.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here, as someone else has said it might not have gone through probate yet ? Also have you checked your spam file on your email account ?

Op ignore the rude replies. You are entitled to find out and to have your inheritance. I'd feel and do the same.