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Original poster

Seeing child in prison

147 replies

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 06:39

Hi
the father of my child is currently remanded in custody for charges towards me. Is he allowed to see his child while in there and who do I speak to regarding it?
thank you

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 01/09/2023 11:15

Your first concern is your duty to your child.

This man THREATENED TO KILL YOU.

Yet you're seriously considering having your child taken to a prison to be with a coercive controlling man you are yourself keeping away from.

No child should be subjected to a prison or be in the same room as other prisoners who might be there for all kinds of reasons.

Write down everything he did and read it to remind yourself every time you find yourself considering it.

And find your No.

You may think he is no danger to her.

But what he did to you is a very big part of the danger he presents to her mind.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/09/2023 11:19

FullFatPhil · 01/09/2023 10:36

"If there were any sex offenders or prisoners with child related crimes they were sat at the furthest tables from our area with their backs to us and we were told to watch that children returning to the tables didn't wander over to that part of the hall."

I have never disclosed an offenders offence or status to a volunteer in visits. Nor have I known prisoners to be seated by offence in visits. How would that work with remands?
Or pre-cons? 🤔 Impossible and you've been given a load of twaddle quite frankly.

It may not have happened at the prisons you have work at but I know several where prisoners with restrictions on contact with children are seated in a different part of the hall to where visitors with family sit. My experience is all in C cat though. It makes sense really doesn’t it?!

wizzywig · 01/09/2023 11:26

Oh please op. I work with these type of men everyday. They are always "heartbroken ' at not being able to see their kids. You know it boils down to? They want to he able to control how often they see their kids. They are outraged, furious that an agency or you are preventing them from seeing their child. They see it as their right. They view their children as they do their partners: you're his property. If he felt able to make these threats infront of people, it's becuase he thinks it's ok. Thankfully social services know that children who are raised in a household of dv, even when the child has not observed violence, are at risk of harm.

IdealisticCynic · 01/09/2023 11:28

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 09:25

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice. It has really opened my eyes to things. FYI I will not be reaching out to allow contact with my daughter in prison. I am going to spend time getting out of this hole of guilt, manipulation and everything else and build my life back up with my child. Maybe 6 months down the line when I’m in a better place and IF the father has maybe seeked help/ therapy inside etc we can re-assess the situation. But the end result will always be what’s best for my daughter

Very well done on taking the first step towards getting yourself back together and putting your daughter first. It’s a big deal and something to be proud of. It’s hard to extricate yourself from this and you might sometimes waiver - but reach out to those who can support you, stay strong for your daughter’s sake as well as your own, and work with professionals to work through your emotions and what you have been through. In time you will build up your self esteem and recognise that his behaviour is not normal and not your fault.

Sending strength and best wishes.

Spongeeater · 01/09/2023 11:34

He couldn't even admit guilt when there were witnesses. No chance I'd be letting my two year old go to see him.

Spongeeater · 01/09/2023 11:35

I'm glad you're seeking the support you need and doing the best thing for your daughter

Ýsette · 01/09/2023 11:38

If you go to visit him it would suggest you're still being controlled

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 01/09/2023 11:39

FullFatPhil I wasn't told what any individual crimes were just to watch that children didn't wander over to that particular corner of the hall.

FourFourOne · 01/09/2023 11:45

OP, it sounds like you’ve had a hard road, but this was not your fault at all. I am so pleased to hear you’ll be doing the Freedom Programme. Wish you and your daughter all the very best for this next chapter of your lives 💐

FullFatPhil · 01/09/2023 12:23

"It may not have happened at the prisons you have work at but I know several where prisoners with restrictions on contact with children are seated in a different part of the hall to where visitors with family sit. My experience is all in C cat though. It makes sense really doesn’t it?

It does. But quite often it's not possible, such as in the examples I gave. Restrictions on contact with children in general, as opposed to specific names children, usually doesn't apply until release either. It's a licence condition, by the very nature of custody there are no unsupervised children. As you'd know. I've worked in almost every category jail and have never known the set up described. No way would I send my children in there

FullFatPhil · 01/09/2023 12:25

"FullFatPhil I wasn't told what any individual crimes were just to watch that children didn't wander over to that particular corner of the hall."

Fair enough. It could've been because they were anticipating tension or fights rather than due to being sex offenders.

user1484492781 · 01/09/2023 12:26

Read most of the thread until I found the age of your daughter .
Ive been on lots of prison visits as a family member ( so not a professional capacity ) .
Various prisons , lots of visits and every single time have felt relief that my family member did not have children .
Long journeys , big buildings with lots of noise , prison officers doing checks ( and on small children nappy changes to reduce items being taken into visiting areas ) , loud alarms , waiting , the visit itself ( not always as happy as you'd think ) , lots of people in one room , queuing for canteen , small well intentioned play areas but lacking any real joy. Then the ushering out , the counting out of you all , sometimes more waiting . Honestly , with all the best intentions in the world I don't think I could put such a small child through it .
I've never been on a family visit. ... So imagine the play area is more suitable and the vibe a bit more chill . Hopefully someone can add more info on those situations .
General visits have ( for me ) been some of the hardest bits of the last 6 years for me . I've had some terrible visits where I've wanted to leave the whole time . Some visits have been so hard mentally for my family member he's asked to go back to his cell ...I've sat out the whole extra hour just in case he's changed his mind . Mentally and physically draining and I have said to this family member I don't think I can do it ever again ( in fact he has had two small sentences since and I have not visited on these occasions )
As a mother myself , I do understand the position you are being put in . But please , don't let this abusive man's rants about wanting to be a good father dissuade you from putting you and your daughters rights first and foremost . She's a baby and his treatment of you is not seperate . How he treats you is a reflection of the type of father he is currently . That's not to say he can't do the work and form change . But that's on him not you .
Women are not rehabilitation centres for addicted / abusive men.

If he has been remanded for his threats to you he ( I assume ) more than likely has previous criminal convictions .
Please use the time he is away to contact Women's Aid , get yourself and IDVA ( independent domestic violence advisor ) and seek help with housing etc if needed .
I wish you well my love . Look after yourself and please don't underestimate this type of man's ability to use your kindness for a weakness that benefits him either personally or in court.

X

Original poster
curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 13:04

Update so since me making the decision that daughter won’t be going to prison visits for the time being. I have been blocked by the family member and she has purposely changed profile picture to a family one and quite obviously cropped our daughter out of it !! Just left her little leg showing😤 just thought I’d share an insight on the things I am dealing with right now.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 01/09/2023 13:13

Well that just shows that they didn't have good intentions op.

Make sure you block them all. Don't let them get into your head.

You can do this.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/09/2023 13:18

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 13:04

Update so since me making the decision that daughter won’t be going to prison visits for the time being. I have been blocked by the family member and she has purposely changed profile picture to a family one and quite obviously cropped our daughter out of it !! Just left her little leg showing😤 just thought I’d share an insight on the things I am dealing with right now.

Probably for the best she has blocked you.
Well done op! In my opinion her actions are a sign that you are taking back control. They won’t like it but blocking you is the best outcome for you.

user1484492781 · 01/09/2023 13:19

Let them play their passive aggressive games . All designed for you to lower your boundaries without any grown up discussion or critical thinking .
If your daughter was my granddaughter neice etc I'd like to think I would be sad for my family member but equally proud that you ( her mum and main carer ) were doing all you could to keep her safe .
Let them do their projecting ...no doubt they have their own stuff to deal with but that gives them no excuse to take it out on you and your little one.
They may of just done you the biggest favour anyway. Would you be able to trust these " grown ups " to be objective whilst travelling to visit her Dad ? If not .... Let their own goal stay fresh in your mind for future contact x

OnAir · 01/09/2023 13:22

I take it he has been remanded down to breaching his bail restrictions? Usually they are only remanded if there is more going on than death threats and a restraining order/anti molestation order wasn't enough or he's a repeat offender. If so he can kindly go and fuck himself (fingers crossed someone else will). He hasn't put his daughter first before all this why would he now. Just a sob story fuck him and his shitty family you don't need them.

user1484492781 · 01/09/2023 13:23

Just wanted to add when I say " sad for family member " ...I mean the way he had handled situations , life and treated people x

LIZS · 01/09/2023 13:27

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 07:58

She’s 2 so no she hasn’t actually asked me about seeing him. I worry though if it has affected her.
all I know is from family members that have phone calls with him, is that he asks for her, says he misses her, gets upset asks for them to check in on her etc.
then I get told and feel bad, some family advise me not to let her go but others think I should

And you don't think this might be manipulation and an attempt to control you from a distance? Protect your dd by keeping her out of the prison.

TheGoodBanana · 01/09/2023 13:27

Your DD is two. Young enough to forget that man ever existed. Which is exactly what he will do when he realised he can't use her to control you.

Op I understand that you have been controlled and abused but it's time to put your DD first and it is not in her best interest to be taken to prision to visit a man that has hurt her mother.

You say it was only verbal - if you are telling the truth then I would guess there have been other occasions and those times were not just verbal. Either with you or in the past with someone else. You don't get remanded lightly.

The only person who will benefit from these visits is him. Don't do it and don't be made to feel guilty.

Social services will not look kindly on it I would think as it is not safe guarding your DD, it is putting his wants and needs first at the her expense.

Clymene · 01/09/2023 13:28

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 13:04

Update so since me making the decision that daughter won’t be going to prison visits for the time being. I have been blocked by the family member and she has purposely changed profile picture to a family one and quite obviously cropped our daughter out of it !! Just left her little leg showing😤 just thought I’d share an insight on the things I am dealing with right now.

I think that tells you all you need to know. Well done for standing up for your daughter.

Block the lot of them.

LIZS · 01/09/2023 13:28

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 13:04

Update so since me making the decision that daughter won’t be going to prison visits for the time being. I have been blocked by the family member and she has purposely changed profile picture to a family one and quite obviously cropped our daughter out of it !! Just left her little leg showing😤 just thought I’d share an insight on the things I am dealing with right now.

They sound as bad as one another. Maintain your distance and find other sources of support.

TheGoodBanana · 01/09/2023 13:36

They are a dreadful bunch of people, block them all and never look back.

Libraryloiterer · 01/09/2023 14:01

OP have you been allocated an IDVA? I have a feeling this awful family aren't going to go quietly, you're going to need some professional support over the coming weeks/ months

Xiaoxiong · 01/09/2023 14:11

Well doesn't that just show their true colours. That family member absolutely didn't have your DD's best interests in mind. They were acting with your abuser to continue trying to control and manipulate you. I'd be blocking this family member asap - your DD is better off without them in her life.