Seeing child in prison

[curlqueenxx]

Hi
the father of my child is currently remanded in custody for charges towards me. Is he allowed to see his child while in there and who do I speak to regarding it?
thank you

I know he has asked about her numerous times and that he is “heartbroken” at the idea of not seeing her for a long time

Please don't subject your child to visiting their father in prison - the man who has been so abusive towards you that he's now incarcerated.
He will do his utmost to get to you through your child - lie to them, plead with them, tell them he’s changed and loves you. All in the hope that your child will try to persuade you to have him back.
Your child deserves better.

You want a small child to visit a potential murderer?
Unbelievable!

He's still controlling you op, please seek help from domestic violence charities.

Seriously consider whether sending your child into a prison is in her best interests.

If he’s too toxic for you then he’s too toxic for her.

You say he’s controlling, is in prison for death threats (and the rest that you’re not saying), why do you think he’ll have a healthy relationship with her? Do you not think he’ll manipulate her against you?

Speaking to social services is a good idea, as is doing the freedom programme. Use this time for you to break free of his control, he is not a reasonable man otherwise he would not be where he is for doing what he did to you.

Well, that’s on him. His vile abusive actions have led to him being locked up, and that’s his fault and his responsibility. Clearly he’s unstable and has violent tendencies, certainly not someone I would want my child around anyway let alone having her visit prison to see him! She deserves better and you need to set aside your feelings of guilt and pity for your twat of an ex, and protect your child.

I appreciate the comments they are what I needed to hear. If you can imagine it has affected family on both sides and caused alot of pain, I am stuck in the middle trying to hold pieces together because yes, even if he’s hurt me I still care. As silly as it may sound.

His heartbreak is not your fault and it's not your responsibility to cure.

A man who is so comfortable hurting you, coercing you and threatening to kill you in front of others - to the point it's been taken seriously by the police and the courts - is someone who is broken.

The problem isn't you, so that if you stay out of the way everything will be fine. The problem is him. And that's not fixable by keeping a low profile. He’s the kind of person who will hurt others if it suits him. I'm sure he loved you at some stage, but he happily hurt you. He might love his child, but that will never be enough to stop him behaving cruelly to his child either especially when they defy him or irritate him or dare to have their own opinions.

Putting your child back in the relationship means you yourself will never be able to be out of it completely. As your child grows up they will talk about Mummy, about your friends, support system, any special friend.

Do think very seriously about the consequences for your own safety and your ability to protect your child if you are wrong. And allow yourself to think you're wrong. It's not just you who's the ultimate cause of this mess. It's him. And he'll continue to be this person with or without you around.

OP - does he spend a lot of time with your child? Does he do father like stuff regularly? Is he appalled at his behaviour towards the child’s mother (you)? Is he having/seeking help with his behaviour?
I think actually it’s probably just another way to stay in your family/circle - a way to make him look like a ‘good guy’ - sorry for himself that you/the police have ripped this dad/daughter relationship apart - but actually the relationship he is stating he could have/has is just self serving fantasy.
I wouldn’t rush straight in either way tbh - there’s some work to be done for your child not to be traumatised by all this - and whether you fight in front of or away from the child they will certainly know and have issues from it.
The visit I expect would be supervised under strict conditions and when he breaks the rules - by telling the child it’s your fault for example - then it’s terminated and that too is traumatic.
Finally telling social you want the child to maintain a relationship for the child may make them concerned you aren’t looking at bigger picture of protecting her from his obvious risk.

As a professional who has dealt with the trauma children face following prison visits please do not agree to this. Yes, the family areas in prison are ok but the mental and emotional impact upon the child is enormous and can have a very damaging and lasting effect. Your child’s father isn’t on remand for a ‘victimless’ crime (iyswim), that person has harmed you the mother and chief care giver and continues to pose a threat as long as the lines of communication are open. Do not let your child be a pawn in this pricks game. Use this time to get out and get as far away as possible. I understand as a victim of abuse you may not see what’s happening but please for the sake of your child dont minimise what he’s done and do not go back to him

No offence OP, but good fathers don't scream at the mother of their children that they will kill them.

It also strikes me that he was brazen enough to threaten to kill you in front of other people, indicating he's been abusing you in private long enough to have the confidence in himself to behave like that publicly too. I doubt he went from being a good, caring husband to a maniac all of a sudden, in public too.

Him saying he misses your child now and he's heartbroken are just ways for him to control you further, and along the process of this new line of control your daughter will also be victimised. Children are very aware when something is wrong at home, and I would guarantee that your daughter knows fine well that her dad is a scary man. Don't subject her to this. When he is out of prison he can go through the normal steps of getting some contact, but until then I would stick to letters and phone calls if you really want him to have contact with her. Although I personally would be loathe to allow even that to happen.

You won't put your child in a bad position by not letting them see their dad, honestly, you won't. They'll be ok, I think in some situations kids are far, far more resilient than we give them credit for.

My DSDs mum went to prison and she wasn't allowed to see her (not that we would have allowed it anyway, but it was a hard no from all the associated services). She was 9 at the time, and whilst she was initially upset, we explained that it just wasn't possible due to what mum had done, and she accepted it.

I would echo other posters and say to get as much support as you can with this, it sounds like you've been through an awful lot and without sounding blasé, you need to put your self first in getting though what may will be a tough time. Your little one will be ok, honestly. A happy, safe mum by their side is worth a million times more than a scary twenty minute prison visit xx

Is it your DD who wants to see her dad, or is it members of his family who are pushing you to let him see her?

Don't send your child to see your abuser in prison. What the actual F. He's in prison so has done something awful. Heal and move on.

She’s 2 so no she hasn’t actually asked me about seeing him. I worry though if it has affected her.
all I know is from family members that have phone calls with him, is that he asks for her, says he misses her, gets upset asks for them to check in on her etc.
then I get told and feel bad, some family advise me not to let her go but others think I should

Whether her child wants to see him or not is irrelevant. It’s up to the adults around her to make the best decisions for her. She doesn’t get a say on the matter.
OP, it sounds like you are being coerced into letting her go by her father’s friends / relatives. They do NOT have her or your best interests at heart, they are doing what her father is telling them to do. Ignore them and make it very clear that there will be no further discussion about him around your daughter.

I spent many years working with families similar to yours.
The violence and aggression almost always passes on to the children as they get older.
There is no way he would get a custodial sentence without significant threats and a whole.lot more. You sound in denial.
Very sadly several of the families I worked with ended up losing the children to care because the mother returned to the ex.
In 2 families the mother was murdered.
In 1 family the (loving, great Dad, loved his kids more than anything) father murder all 3 of his children in front of his wife and the killed her.
Please think of your child.

Have you visited anyone in prison yourself? I ask that kindly as it can be a scary experience for an adult let alone a child. She will have to go through security with everyone else and may see people searched, pulled to one side. Far worse than airport security and hard to leave the person at the end of the visit. What's the plans for contact when he's released? It's hard to see that this would be in your child's best interests.

Just seen she's 2. Forget it. This is about his control of you not him " missing" his child.

This is absolutely insane. He’s just controlling you. And who are these other people making you feel conflicted about this? If it’s his family / your family they need cutting off. Don’t visit him. Don’t let your child visit him. Move far, far away and don’t look back.

I know all that. My question was to find out what pressure OP is under and from who. If it's purely pressure from his family, then she can be advised to completely ignore without any form of guilt.

If the child had been, say, 8 years old and was confused and wanting to see her daddy, then I'd have responded with some advice about managing her DD's distress, and yes, potential visits. Because it's about the child too.

But I don't need to as it turns it that the DD is 2, and that, as I thought, its his family who are pushing.

You're still under his control, and these family members are making that worse.

You need to do the freedom program & get some therapy.

NO rational mother would be considering allowing your daughter to see this man. Exposing her to the manipulation you've suffered. For him to be in prison it must be BAD - so bad perhaps you can't even see it all yet.

As it happens I did visit my dad in prison as a child (for a different crime, not domestic at all). It was horrible. Boring and depressing. Your daughter can't have any sort of relationship with a prisoner anyway, you're just dragging out her torment. She'd be better spending the time with a play therapist who can work on teaching her emotional strength and how not to replicate the situation in her own adulthood.

He doesn’t want to see her. He wants to continue to control you. And he’s Succeeding isn’t he? Because here you are, worrying about him, his feelings, what he wants, how you can facilitate his relationship with his child.

He should’ve thought about missing her before he attacked you shouldn’t he? 🙄

Just seen the age update. She's 2!!!!! For fucks sake. She misses peppa pig teddies as much as she misses her father right now.

Don't use her as a pawn in his game.

@curlqueenxx I can't offer much advice and I don't know if I'd allow my child to a prison visit but I just wanted to say that I think it's admirable in light of everything that you are at least considering how this relationship can be maintained. Lots of mums would say it's his own fault he doesn't have access, and if he's been remanded for these offences it probably is. But regardless of what you decide you're trying to put your child first and you're thinking of them. I wish you all the best and I hope it all works out for you all. Take care xx