Seeing child in prison

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Hi
the father of my child is currently remanded in custody for charges towards me. Is he allowed to see his child while in there and who do I speak to regarding it?
thank you

Anyone who wants to take a 2 year old to prison is not prioritising their well-being. They're extending and multiplying the damage.

Take her to soft play.

With respect OP I think you are either minimising his behaviour or he had significant previous offending which is also violent. The thresholds for remand are very high and even more so at the moment due to prison capacity.
I stand by not taking my child into a prison, and I have been in then many times (professionally).
Also domestic abuse has an impact on children of the family regardless of whether they directly witness it. You saying you don't see her poses any risk to her will ring alarm bells with social care.
Add to this his coercive and controlling behaviour and how do you know this isn't just a way of maintaining a connection with you? I've seen it so many times.

Do you still love him? I don't understand why you would even consider his feelings over your 2 year old daughter's.

Your child will more than likely be terrified it’s a scary experience for an adult. They’d probably be wanting you and if you can’t be there it will be even more unsettling. As previously mentioned it’s harsher than airport security they’ll definitely want to check your dc over I’ve seen them checking nappy’s etc sniffer dogs all over you etc. Not sure why you’d want to do that.

Sorry but have you read any of my replies? if I was considering his feelings OVER my child then I wouldn’t be so stuck on what to do? The whole reason I asked the question was because while yes, sadly and stupidly I do still care about the fathers feelings, I still want to do right by my child whether that was to see or not see him.

Please contact women's aid, as well as social care and doing the freedom programme. You really need support from people who know this stuff inside out and are not personally involved.
Women's aid should be able to provide you with a support worker - or direct you to local services who can provide this.

Absolutely don't send a 2 year old in to a prison visit. He's a selfish, abusive man.

He's putting his need to see the child before her best interests. It's all about his needs. How is it in her interests to be taken to see him, and then have to leave again. And your family member will potentially have to drag a screaming 2 year old away from Daddy.

And later on, he'll be telling her how it's all mummy's fault that he's in prison. If he can't do the time, he shouldn't do the crime. Pretty basic - treat yoh with respect and he won't go to prison.

Do the freedom programme, engage with domestic abuse services. And get this sorry excuse for a man out of your life.

Domestically violent men are a risk to their children. Despite their bollocks talk of loving their children etc, they can't put a child first. It's not how they operate.

If he wants to see her, he does his time, gets out of prison and changes his life around, and proves to you he can be a good father. Thank you let him see her. No way would I ever be taking my child of any age into a prison.

The chances of him using the 2year old to continue to abuse you are high personally I would not be suggesting visits and happy family time for him

Thank you for all the comments, I definitely do need support and I’m going to look at the freedom programme

I'm really sorry you don't have any professional support OP, please do seek some out. As PP have said, Women's Aid can help and there may also be services just for your local area. I'm really surprised the police haven't put you in touch with anyone. Did you have contact with anyone there that could refer you somewhere?

Also, abusive men are never good for their children. They only think of themselves. Good fathers don't hurt the person their children love and need the most ❤

As others have said, you need to break away now while he's in n remand.
The feelings you still have for him...once you can get away from his control then you may start to recover and see clearly.
For him to be remanded it IS serious. He probably is continuing to control you from inside prison.
You've been given a chance, take it for you and your daughter

@boomtickhouse I'm not saying she should take her. I think I said in my post I'm not sure I would. I just said it's nice to see her considering all possibilities.
Sounds to me like they're better off without him but at least OP knows she considered what was right. I don't actually think she's said she is going to take child either

OP, you are in sore need of some impartial advice about how to cope with your life. Family members are rarely the people to provide this. Please seek some help. You are not in a good place.

OP - I work with victims of male violence. It is extremely, extremely, rare for men to be held on remand for threats to kill and coercive control.

Kindly, he must have normalised abuse for you if you think what happened wasn’t very serious but the courts think it is so serious he needs to be remanded in custody. It is also possible that he has previous for this which he either hasn’t told you about or has minimised.

I’m worried about you, OP. You need to seek support from a domestic abuse service and understand what he has been doing to you. He has manipulated you and normalised his behaviour to the point where you can’t even see what is really happening. This happens a lot, sadly. A previous poster suggested the freedom programme which might be a good idea.

As for prison visits, prisons are utterly grim places. Your child will be thoroughly searched (including having to open their mouths and their clothing searched) and go through multiple locked doors etc. The “family areas” I saw are just as grim but they put a bean bag or two in them and some colourful posters on the wall. It used to break my heart seeing kids going into them.

Don’t do it to your 2 year old. Especially as he is NOT a good father - good fathers do not abuse their children’s mothers and there is plenty of research showing that children who grow up seeing domestic abuse are often deeply damaged. You owe it to your child to keep her safe from that harm.

And you owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe too. Whatever he has said to you: “I’m only like this because you do this” or “It’s because I love you so much that I can’t help myself” or any of those sorts of things are nonsense. He knows what he is doing. I bet he’s done it before too (hence being on remand). I promise you that you deserve better, no matter how badly he has made you feel about yourself.

Good luck, OP. I wish you well.

I think it's highly likely you aren't telling us the whole truth and this isn't his first offence. To be remanded he's done much more than what you are telling us.

Good, safe, decent fathers do not make threats to kill their child's mother. Can you not see the harm and dysfunction he has brought upon your child with his choice to abuse you in this way? I think it was LJ Wall who first said domestic abuse is a failure of parenting.

You going out of your way to proactively push for your child to visit him in prison will not reflect well on you. I say that without judgement, as of course trauma causes people to act in unexpected ways, but that's how it will be seen.

I would ask for social services opinion on whether they consider that it would be a good idea. Your daughter is only 2 and, unless she had a very recent good relationship with him and is traumatized by his absence, I would think that it would be better not to.

I also fear that you are minimising what he has done to you. You don't just get put in prison for a bit of verbal abuse, even if death threats. The police clearly thought that you were at risk in order to take the prosecution forward.

You have been quite defensive when asked if you still love him. Are you being entirely honest with yourself? It's not uncommon for victims of domestic violence or control to walk away. You seem to blame your own part saying that it was 'you and him' that was the problem, rather than just 'him'.

With the greatest of respect OP, you sound as though you haven't made the wisest of decisions being involved with this man in the first place and having a child with him. As a result, I would take as much advice from your social worker as possible on this and other aspects of raising your child and future contact with this man.

Please take the advice here to get support and do the freedom program. It sounds like he is still controlling you, good parents do not abuse the mother of their child. Your child may not have been there when the event happened but they will have picked up on how they treat you. Finally, think about if you are really contributing to the issues or if he is expecting you to manage his behaviour?

Good luck OP. I know some of the comments here sound harsh, but many of these posters have experience of violent men and coercive control, and know it is difficult to see things clearly when in the situation yourself.

Please do get support to break free and keep your daughter safe. Wishing you all the best.

My XH went to prison for DV. He kept saying he wanted to see DC. It was just another form of control, a way of endlessly disrupting our lives. The only person who matters in all this is your child and what's in her best interests.

I can tell you with certainty that she would be better off not visiting him in prison. It would be frightening and confusing for her. There are no advantages to a small child seeing an abusive parent in prison. Please keep that in your mind.

If you aren't convinced yet: during the time XH was in prison, he secretly phoned my DC whilst they were visiting his mother. This was at a time when there was no contact. Afterwards my DC had terrible nightmares. Imagine if a phone call can distress a small child that much, what would a visit do?

Please don't let him see her.

Sorry I should have also added, if the father's family are pressuring you to agree the visits (as I suspect they are) then you absolutely need to report this to the police. Time to bunker down and truly, truly put you and your daughter first.

Is that other members of his family that are / have been in prison?

OP, I understand that it is hard to come to terms with ending a relationship, but abuse takes away the self esteem that would equip you to feel confident enough to leave. It is a trap. If he was controlling and abusive you will feel it is your fault: that’s how it works.

But going forward you cannot have a relationship with this man. He is not safe, physically, emotionally or legally (in that there is an order against you seeing him and Social Services will take a keen interest in the welfare of your child.

The messages about his heartbreak are designed to keep you hooked in.

Ideally if children can maintain a relationship with their father, so much the better. But he is on remand for abusing you. That is damage that will filter down to your Dd as in the future you tip toe about on eggshells around contact, take your tiny Dd to impersonal contact centres, grapple with him refusing you permission to take her in hol, go to a particular school etc. as his means of continued control.

Some if this may be unavoidable, but if you build the relationship now it will be harder to avoid in future.

For whose benefit is it for your toddler to be taken into a prison? We have heard about his ‘heartbreak’ but your Dd doesn’t sound heartbroken! Your priority is your Dd. Not him.

Good Dads never ever threaten to kill people.

I agree it's a really high threshold to remand, so there must be a huge back story here. You said he was controlling, do you think that wanting to send your son to see him might be him still exercising control over you, rather than a belief that this is in your sons best interests? Do you have any organisations involved (social services/women's aid) who know the back story that you can talk this through with for advice.

Sorry daughter not son