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Original poster

Seeing child in prison

147 replies

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 06:39

Hi
the father of my child is currently remanded in custody for charges towards me. Is he allowed to see his child while in there and who do I speak to regarding it?
thank you

OP posts:
MarshyMcMarshFace · 01/09/2023 14:11

Yep, OP, that kind of stupid petty behaviour was 100% predictable and tells you that they are interested only in him (despite the fact that he has behaved so badly towards you as to be remanded) do not have unconditional love for your little Dd and no respect for you as her Mum to have her best interests at heart.

Don’t engage with SM.

You have found your strength OP, and the more strength you use the more you will find. You do not need these people in your life.

FedUpMumof10YO · 01/09/2023 14:19

I don’t want to be in the way of my child’s relationship with father

His own actions have created a distance. If you want your child in your life then don't be an abusive drain on society.

Actions have consequences.

ZolaBudd · 01/09/2023 16:10

I thought sex offenders a different colour chairs and coloured bibs on, that’s what I’ve seen anyway

AnneShirleysNewDress · 01/09/2023 16:16

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 07:35

I know he has asked about her numerous times and that he is “heartbroken” at the idea of not seeing her for a long time

Then he shouldn't have threatened to kill her mother.

Valhalla17 · 01/09/2023 19:59

At this stage I'd be changing my phone number and moving as far away as possible.

Good luck OP, you've made the right decision and his family have shown how little they really value you and your daughter. Sensible and caring adults wouldn't be trying to force you to take a 2yr old to prison.

JFDIYOLO · 02/09/2023 00:44

Is it his mother?

FullFatPhil · 02/09/2023 02:09

"I thought sex offenders a different colour chairs and coloured bibs on, that’s what I’ve seen anyway"

🤣🤣 you watch too much telly mate. Fucking hell

Original poster
curlqueenxx · 02/09/2023 08:00

Yes it’s the mother. She basically said that if he will not be seeing his child inside, they are both going to act like she doesn’t exist anymore. I know she is in strong denial that he is guilty of anything (spent whole life defending him) but I would’ve thought being the grandmother, she’d try her best to keep contact with her granddaughter, if not for her son for herself aswell?? But obviously I was wrong.

OP posts:
Stravaig · 02/09/2023 08:27

I would be cutting contact with all of his family and friends. An abusive person is usually surrounded by am equally toxic network who support the abusive behaviour. They will be just as harmful for your and your daughter.

The same applies to any of your own family or friends who encouraged this relationship. None of them are safe or trustworthy for you right now. They share your blind spots about what a healthy relationship is. You are now outgrowing them, choosing better for yourself, which they may react badly to.

Gently, it's possible that you're not making accurate judgements or healthy decisions about all of this, not yet. Please enlist some professional support, if only to double-check your thinking.

JFDIYOLO · 02/09/2023 08:28

She sounds like a nutter.

The woman who raised the man who threatened to kill you and is refusing to see the damage that did to you both has decided to pretend your child doesn't exist.

RESULT.

🫂

yumumsun · 02/09/2023 08:30

That would be a big fat NO for me.
It would normalise prison

AperolWhore · 02/09/2023 08:30

Why on earth are you trying to facilitate this?

monsteramunch · 02/09/2023 08:33

JFDIYOLO · 02/09/2023 08:28

She sounds like a nutter.

The woman who raised the man who threatened to kill you and is refusing to see the damage that did to you both has decided to pretend your child doesn't exist.

RESULT.

🫂

This.

Best outcome possible all things considered.

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 02/09/2023 08:35

Cropping your daughter out of the photo in a fit of pique tells you that you absolutely made the right decision. Well done. No reasonable adult would do that to a child.

It also tells you were the toxicity originated, does not excuse his behaviour at all but you and your DD are better off away from this dysfunctional family.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 02/09/2023 08:43

curlqueenxx · 02/09/2023 08:00

Yes it’s the mother. She basically said that if he will not be seeing his child inside, they are both going to act like she doesn’t exist anymore. I know she is in strong denial that he is guilty of anything (spent whole life defending him) but I would’ve thought being the grandmother, she’d try her best to keep contact with her granddaughter, if not for her son for herself aswell?? But obviously I was wrong.

Because it's all about what HE wants , not your wellbeing or the best interests of your daughter. He was still manipulating and coercing you, by proxy. You need to block her on everything as well and stop all contact.

Original poster
curlqueenxx · 02/09/2023 08:56

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 02/09/2023 08:35

Cropping your daughter out of the photo in a fit of pique tells you that you absolutely made the right decision. Well done. No reasonable adult would do that to a child.

It also tells you were the toxicity originated, does not excuse his behaviour at all but you and your DD are better off away from this dysfunctional family.

Exactly this.
They are not my responsibility and I have blocked her. I only talk with trusted family members who do have mine & child best interests at heart.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 02/09/2023 09:04

He misses her then. He loves it so much. He threatened to kill her mother. Can you imagine what that would have done to your child? She would've been in therapy for many many years. So if he misses her, has he written to her?

A prison isn't a place for a two-year-old. For me, he would need to admit that he had been really really wrong for what he'd done and be very very sorry. This isn't happening though, is it?

Original poster
curlqueenxx · 02/09/2023 09:28

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/09/2023 09:04

He misses her then. He loves it so much. He threatened to kill her mother. Can you imagine what that would have done to your child? She would've been in therapy for many many years. So if he misses her, has he written to her?

A prison isn't a place for a two-year-old. For me, he would need to admit that he had been really really wrong for what he'd done and be very very sorry. This isn't happening though, is it?

Exactly.
So depending on who he speaks to on the phone, he’s sorry and knows it’s his own actions and behaviour that got him there. He asks for people to look out for us and acts like he cares. But then to others (the mother) he’s only sad because of how long he could be getting and only partly taking responsibility for what happened, I’m to blame aswel. Two different personalities and I don’t know which one is true

OP posts:
CountTo10 · 02/09/2023 10:13

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 07:58

She’s 2 so no she hasn’t actually asked me about seeing him. I worry though if it has affected her.
all I know is from family members that have phone calls with him, is that he asks for her, says he misses her, gets upset asks for them to check in on her etc.
then I get told and feel bad, some family advise me not to let her go but others think I should

Glad to see you've made the right decision about not taking her to see hi. Especially when she doesn't even ask for him.

I worked in DV for years and the above is how abusers use children to keep control of their ex partners by piling on the emotional blackmail. It's all part of the coercive control.

If you let him see her prison what happens when he's out? First of all I assume you wouldn't allow unsupervised visits at first so who would do that? I can guarantee that there would then be issues with the supervisor as it goes on and you'd then be manipulated into do it or doing face to face drop offs. He'd turn on the charm. Say wouldn't it be lovely if we could all be a family together then hey presto he's back in your life and you're back to square one with an abusive arsehole.

CountTo10 · 02/09/2023 10:16

Oh and well done OP in taking the first steps to freedom and please don't minimise what he did. DV offenders don't usually get remanded so it is being taken very seriously and those who know can see he is a credible threat to you.

toomuchlaundry · 02/09/2023 10:24

He threatened to kill you, what exactly could you have done to make that threat anyway justified? Nothing is the answer to that.

FloNightingale · 02/09/2023 13:30

curlqueenxx · 01/09/2023 07:35

I know he has asked about her numerous times and that he is “heartbroken” at the idea of not seeing her for a long time

It’s not about him and what he wants. It’s what is best for the child.

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