Seeing child in prison

[curlqueenxx]

Hi
the father of my child is currently remanded in custody for charges towards me. Is he allowed to see his child while in there and who do I speak to regarding it?
thank you

I cannot stress enough that ‘you and him’ are not the problem. HE is the problem.

many of us have been in toxic relationships where we end of winding each other up. I have. The thing is, that in basically safe adults - that incompatibility doesn’t go beyond arguments + breaking up. It certainly wouldn’t involve the police.

in order for someone to be remanded in custody. They have to be considered to be a serious threat. This person is NOT SAFE. This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

sometimes we get conditioned to think big drama + fighting is because there is so much big feeling / love. It isn’t. Real love holds the safety of you and your family as sacrosanct. It isn’t scary.

Your two year old daughter will be much better served by a safe happy mum than anything else. Do your therapy, work the freedom program, build yourself up, create a beautiful life.

IF her father shows remorse, does his own therapy, works an anger management program + chooses to try build a relationship with her then he can do that on the other side. And you can discuss with social services + your therapist whether that feels safe.

I'd be surprised if social services weren't involved. They will have received a PPN from police following his arrest. It might be that if he is the risk they won't do anything as that risk is currently removed but they and police should offer support and signpost to relevant services.

Speak to SS but be mindful they can't tell you what to do but they should talk through your decision making around this with you.

It's not unusual or strange to still have feelings etc. You can't just turn them off and there will have been times where you felt loved and cared for. Try not to reflect on these points too much. It is the here and now that is important. Where the relationship has ended up and how it developed.

To be Frank controlling and coercive behaviour is difficult to prove and ime often takes place over prolonged periods of time. Listen to what the support services are saying to you. It would be unusual for him to be remanded over an isolated incident. Use this time to look after yourself and little one. Have you done claires law see if there is anything in the past that would suggest a worry? Might be a good start?

Your DD can still have a relationship with her dad and family members but it should be risk assessed and involve you.

*sorry should NOT involve you!

Why ??? Why out your child though that ? Why wanting a child to have contact with an abuser ? You are perpetuating a problem

That’s great op I think that is the absolute right thing to do. If I were you I would pause the decision to let your child visit until you have had some support, maybe leave it 6 months, then you will be better placed to make a decision, hopefully knowing that it is the right one.

If I were you I would ask friends and family not to communicate to you things that he is saying to them. You don’t need people enabling him if he is trying to emotionally manipulate you and some time away from his influence will clarify things too I expect.

good luck op. All the best.

OP, echoing other posters, please call Women's Aid or social services or similar and get some independent support. You seem to see yourself as the problem here, that if you remove yourself from the dynamic, he will be capable of having a safe and loving relationship with your daughter. Essentially, you have internalised his death threats.

Do not let him do this to you. He is a violent and abusive man. First he will try to maintain control of you through your daughter, and then he will control and abuse your daughter instead. If it is not safe for you or the general public to be around him, it is definitely not safe for your 2 year old to be anywhere near him.

I'd also be sceptical and very wary of any of your friends or family who have helped keep you in this relationship, especially those who encourage contact between ex and DD, or any form of reconciliation.

Thanks everyone for all the support and advice. It has really opened my eyes to things. FYI I will not be reaching out to allow contact with my daughter in prison. I am going to spend time getting out of this hole of guilt, manipulation and everything else and build my life back up with my child. Maybe 6 months down the line when I’m in a better place and IF the father has maybe seeked help/ therapy inside etc we can re-assess the situation. But the end result will always be what’s best for my daughter

I'd also be sceptical and very wary of any of your friends or family who have helped keep you in this relationship, especially those who encourage contact between ex and DD, or any form of reconciliation.

Yes, this. It's normal (sadly) for his own family to be in denial about his behaviour, but you need to recognise this and not allow them to pressure you. They do not have your best interests - or those of your DD - at heart. Your DD deserves a childhood free from the influence of an abuser.

Please don't end up like one of my patients who was persuaded by family to stay with her abuser "for the children". It ended with one of those children, as a 16 year old, repeatedly stamping on her mother's face.

That’s should always be your mindset .Always ask yourself , does my child have anything to gain from contact with her father ? Does she have any good traits he can pass on to her , is he a good role model? If not , then keep her away . She is better off without a dad than with a bad one .

The family member who told you it's not bad and there's "children's areas" also needs to be kept at arms length.

I've run visits in several prisons and trust me, just because a family links worker has put a few second hand books and toys in the corner, that does not make it a suitable place for children.

It's is a "red spot" for incidents, there are visitors who attempt to pass drugs, often mouth to mouth or in babies nappies and that results in alarm bells and the prisoner (and sometimes visitor) being restrained. Your child would witness this. Tensions run high and sometimes the visitors are from rival gangs or groups. We've had riots in visits more than once. Once someone was shot and killed in the visitors centre in the car park of the prison. Incidents are common, violence is common.

There is absolutely no way you should be guilt tripped by your dodgy family member into letting a 2 year old baby in to visit her violent father. He can write to her, record her a story to be played and he can ring her while he is "working away" 🙄. Tough shit that he can't see her. Tough shit.

You get yourself better and stronger and away from this life and this arsehole.

He's probably expecting you to just cave in to his demands. Keep your child safe and well away from such a person capable of such bad acts. I'd use the time he's in prison to take DC far away from him and hope he never finds you both.

Stay strong OP! I’m sending you courage, resilience and determination to get through this and get away from this abusive man. Please, please, please contact Women’s Aid - do it now. Get your passports, birth certificates, bank details etc etc and maybe move out. Cut contact with his friends and family, block them, don’t let him use them to get to you. This is your chance to escape and build a life free of fear and free of having to second guess yourself and tread on eggshells. You are stronger than you think you are and you and your daughter deserve so much more.

Well done op. I think admitting you need some support, from people who have no vested interest so to speak, is a massive step forward.

And if your resolves waivers you can come back for some help here. Hood luck!

She's very young, so this would be about him, not her. There is a charity that may be able to support you with what is appropriate: https://childrenheardandseen.co.uk/

Also some prisons have video calling, so that may be an option if you do want them to have some contact in the future.

I use to volunteer at my local prison supervising young children in the play area of the visitors hall. This was a small area at the side of the hall where visits were taking place. Children could leave the tables where the visits were taking place and come over to play with toys, do some colouring or look at some books. The adult visitors accompanying them could stay at the tables or come into the play area but prisoners had to stay at the tables. If there were any sex offenders or prisoners with child related crimes they were sat at the furthest tables from our area with their backs to us and we were told to watch that children returning to the tables didn't wander over to that part of the hall. The children would have gone through the usually security measures before getting to the hall.
Obviously this was only one prison and others will be different but I felt that it was an okay place for them to be.

It is not a "you and him" thing, it's a "him" thing. It always is. Please speak to Women's Aid and social services.

It really strikes me from the language you use that you think (at least subconsciously) that this situation is your fault. You have said very clearly more than once in your previous posts that with you out the way, things would be fine. If you weren't involved, your child and partner would have a great relationship, implying that you are the problem. It is not you. It is him. HE is a frightening, violent man that the police clearly consider capable of carrying out his threats to kill, hence why he's in prison. Why would you want your daughter around that kind of man? Think seriously about that. If you heard about an offender like that on the news, would you let you 2 year old child go and hang out with them? No. So why on earth would you be considering this. Remember social services are going to be watching you and analysing whether you are able to protect your daughter. Don't give them reasons to think you have poor judgement with regards to her safety.

"If there were any sex offenders or prisoners with child related crimes they were sat at the furthest tables from our area with their backs to us and we were told to watch that children returning to the tables didn't wander over to that part of the hall."

I have never disclosed an offenders offence or status to a volunteer in visits. Nor have I known prisoners to be seated by offence in visits. How would that work with remands?
Or pre-cons? 🤔 Impossible and you've been given a load of twaddle quite frankly.

Tbh, I wouldn't be happy with the visiting situation described by CheeseCakeSunflowers. For starters I wouldn't want my small child put through the security measures to get to that point. Or watch adults she is with go through.

And how natural for a child to want a parent to join them in the play area and play with them...but they can't, which the child would probably see as a rejection. And as for 'the sex offenders turn their backs, make sure the kids don't go near' - words fail me.

I'm sure some people would disagree, but even at two there is no harm in saying something simple to your daughter about how her dad has hurt you and that is why you are sad. Your low mood will be very important to her. I am not a professional just a mum who has been in your situation.

But anyway, the visiting environment is now irrelevant to the OP.

Well done OP, you have taken a huge an important step in looking after your own emotional and psychological safety and well being. Recovering and rescuing yourself from emotional abuse and control is not easy, and I hope you find the Freedom Programme and any other support you can access helpful. You may find that your local Women's Aid can point you in the direction of support groups. Or ask your police liaison officer? Your council website might have a page with advice for support.

And make no mistake: 'domestic abuse' includes emotional abuse. You are not fake just because the abuse was not all / primarily violent.

PS This situation is not your fault

mycoffeecup · Today 07:26
You want to take your child to see a nasty controlling man who made death threats to you? Why aren't you using this time to move far away?”

This.

I'd go down the purple visits system and do video call instead rather then security checks being around other prisoners ect.
On video in mates are in a room alone you wouldn't be able to tell where he is.

Sorry but this sounds bloody awful and there is no way on this earth I’d be subjecting my child to this, especially not so they can see a violent, aggressive thug.