DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

SHE IS LIVING WITH HIM AND WILL NOT GIVE THE ANSWERS WHICH IS IMPEDING THE DIVORCE.

i also think the ex wife is acting like she is married to him

She is married to him. She’s not the ex-wife, because they are not divorced. She’s his wife, albeit estranged from him. And that is down to his failure for the past 4 years to take the necessary steps to end the marriage.

As things stand, and unless he has put specific provisions in place to the contrary:

His wife, not the OP, is his next of kin
Unless he’s made a will, his wife would inherit in the event of his death.

HAVE YOU READ ALL OF HER POSTS, SHOUTY MCSHOUTFACE??

At least temporarily, she’s moved out, and all of this has been very recent and very badly handled by her DH and has built on her existing doubts.

HTH.

OP maybe you should move out of his house anyway for the time being, whether you decide to stay with him or not. Let him get the divorce settled without your financials bearing any relevance and then decide how you want the relationship to proceed, if at all.

Title of thread "Dps ex after my salary". She is not. She is his wife, not his "ex". HTH.

I mistyped DH for DP, for that I apologise.

Your points are irrelevant to OP’s actual issue with her DP, so I’m not going to engage with you further. Byeeee!

Oh bloody hell I knew at some point it would kick off.

As explained, I have temporarily moved out until I decide what the heck I’m going to do - yes I was naive to get myself into this situation etc etc etc but I am getting myself out of it.

I honestly think his reaction and how he’s handled it is what has upset me the most.

I saw something about an issue like this as there is a solicitor who does videos on these sorts of bits.

The ex can't claim anything financially from you but it does affect the financial settlement in a divorce when looking at "needs" as he's sharing housing costs with you and she doesn't have anyone to share costs with.

I've certainly read similar many times before and I certainly I don't doubt what you are saying but there remain some gaps in my understanding, if you wouldn't mind a follow up question!

It seems to be the case that most people planning to cohabit avoid doing so until about a year after the divorce to avoid this eventuality. Is this a sensible strategy, or could this still be open to a variation of the settlement if the relationship predated the divorce?

Does he and his wife have a financial statement in place? You’ve said he gave her 80% of the equity from the house so she could buy something and he’s now buying somewhere himself…. This isn’t advisable without a financial order in place as she could technically come back for the house he’s buying now!
I would take your half hour of free legal advice if I were you and ask if you need to disclose your finances … I can’t see how your wages would be taken into consideration for child maintenance unless you married him…. Only then does your wage get taken into account because you’re married so have joint finances….
the other way round it would be to say you’re a lodger and work out how much you financially contribute and say that amount is rent… but then he’d have to declare that as income I expect!

I have to say this is the reason I would NEVER date a man who has kids… mumsnet has put me off ever dating someone with dependants.

If you decide to stay in this relationship maybe you should withdraw all financial help and babysitting duties… live with your parents and tell him you’ll happily date him or stay over when he doesn’t have the kids… as you’re in this for the relationship and not to babysit or fund his children. And definitely not his ex!
personally I think he’s nuts paying for so much. Maybe as part of the divorce he should push for full custody …. But that’s not your problem … if you leave him he can tell her there’s no second person anymore and he can no longer pay for so much so she’ll have to get a job!
if the son has special needs though I expect her 12 hours are because she’s claiming DLA, carers allowance and university credit for him!! In which case she can only work 12 hours before money is deducted. !!

@BetterFuture1985 It could in theory be open to variation if there was an undisclosed relationship prior to the financial settlement. However, I suspect that in most cases the ex wouldn't be able to find enough evidence to convince the court that there had been an intention to cohabit and that they had delayed to reduce the settlement.

@Needhelp1000 good luck with your exams and your future plans.
I've read most of the thread and think you'd probably be best out of the whole divorce mess. Just because it'll get messier almost certainly.

OP is not obliged to disclose information to her DP. His declaration is his alone to make, based on information known to him.

Thus far he's tried to coerce information from OP, threatened to make OP liable for his divorce costs, threatened her with legal action. He has behaved so badly towards OP and shown her little more than contempt, so tough shit on him if his actions are impeding his divorce.

No, but if you insist on it your partner may well end up paying more to his ex than he needs to, so ultimately if you intend to stay with him it's cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I would assume that in that situation the ex could go back and ask for a variation?

This!

First, since you and P (sorry, after this, I can't call him "DP," he's being an ass) are not married, I doubt that there is any court that would award her money including your income. HOWEVER, while that is true in the US, I do not know about GB. I'd talk with a solicitor on my own about this.

Actually, I have had more than enough of men's idiocies and shenanigans, and would probably tell P, "Look, you're right. This is causing problems. The easiest way to fix it is for us to just say goodbye now. GOODBYE!"

That may not help if it's an order specifically directed at OP.

How can anyone order the OP?

Court order?

She can be used with a court order to disclose her salary debt out goings in these cases and if she falls foul she’s breaking the law - have you followed the thread at all?

The ex is one matter.

More important is the spineless attitude of 'DP'.

He isn't standing up for you in this .. which suggests he can never be really relied upon in the life you have ahead.

In the normal course of events (even with a co-operative ex) there will be step-parenting issues - household issues -health issues- accident issues- and normal ups and downs; in none of those can you be sure he will have real interest in your point of view or your feelings. This matters.

You cannot trust him OP. You might be ok with that but you do deserve more.

Well she's refusing to support her 3 DC, so that's 3x child benefit, plus whatever tax credits or UC she gets for children's expenses, plus child maintenance etc etc, most of which she has available to spend on other things because you and her husband are paying everything for their DC barring the gas/electric/water they use. Doesn't it feel a bit like she's stolen your handbag and is now using it to beat you round the head?

Also, don't make up attributes for your partner/ex, his silence doesn't necessarily mean he's respecting your wish for space. It could mean he's scheming his next move or he's laying low to pacify you or lull you into a false sense of security. You don't know, so keep an open mind.

And we know he wasn't abusive how? I mean, look how he is treating OP and she isn't even his spouse.

I agree with you, I'd call him abusive based on the behaviour towards OP so far. Thin end of the wedge IMO, if she lets this go. Bully someone and either it works or it doesn't work but there's no consequences. Win-win, for him.

Needhelp have you been able to move all of your stuff out?

I'm thinking the ex is going to be asking her kids a lot of questions after they stay over and if your partner says you have moved out, but you still have stuff there, then you haven't really moved out but could be deemed to be doing this to avoid declaring full ''family'' asset and incomes... which the Court will frown on (if indeed its required to provide this information in the first place - which I'm still gobsmacked about considering from previous MN's posts, defactos don't seem to have any property rights should their partner boot them out or die.)