DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

It's a good job job that he owns his own house and the OP was living rent free with him then.

Oh wait.

All this scam and he’s out for himself nonsense - his financial order will mean he’s worse off because he’s living with op as the court will deem he needs less money to support himself due to the op contributing to his household.

There is some rubbish being spouted on here,

Op. Has the solicitor explained whether there is actually a legal obligation on you to disclose the info? If not, he or she should have done so rather than just acting as a postbox paraphrasing the ex's solicitor's communication.

He also should have suggested you seek advice independently rather than incurring costs tinkering with issues pertaining to you when you're not the client.

Don't be steamrolled. Take your time to weigh up what you want.

You I haven’t read all the replies so not sure if someone has already said this- but my mum was in your position and it turned out that the couple were scamming her and they were still together. Of course not saying this is definitely the case with you! But just worth stepping back and considering all possible motivations etc

i have said in a previous comment that I believe she should get her own counsel. But, since you didn't read my comment and just commented on it, what I am saying is that she has not, at this point, from anything we have been told here, actually been in contact with this solicitor. Everything has gone through DP or easily manipulated media like text or email. Since when do solicitors send requests for financial documents through a third party? They don't. I have seen the multiple "lawyers" posting and a lot of them have said for her to get her own representation and that requests should be coming to her directly.
My comment is about how manipulative the DP is and possible those around him.

I had a carer (J) that I managed.
10 years ago his wife, who was on a good wage herself in HR, went after the salary of his then new partner.

The wife had instigated the marital split.

This demand led to J and his new partner splitting up. Incredibly selfish I felt.

I’m all in to equal rights but I was very fair with my ex husband, even though he was unfaithful. See. Even us evil Terf’s can have a heart!

Personally I would walk away from this situation. Too toxic.

Good luck! X

I too think that you don't deserve to have to deal with all of this, he is not likely to change and god knows what other situations he will behave like this in?

Just to point out her solicitor will write whatever their client tells them to because they get paid for it. I'm sure I've seen someone on this site say they got a letter from their exs solicitor stating that they must take down their new blinds because it stopped him from being able to see into her house, quite possibly also threatening a court order. Obviously never going to happen!

I'd check with a solicitor yourself, but personally I'd be clear that they can go to court if they want but you'll be disclosing nothing without a court order. And leave him and move into your lovely new home before it gets anywhere near that far. You deserve far more.

Consult your own solicitor. Don't chance it.

Am I missing something here? I understand the wife already has 80% of the house and custody is 50/50. If this is so how can there
be an inquisition into OP’s means when there will nothing extra owed to the wife in any event?

Yes we have also tried to help on numerous occasions, said we will get the kids whatever they need for school, clothes, activities, trips etc but will only pay direct to whoever is organising as she previously had us paying for a language tutor that didn’t exist!!

We used to send back lovely clothes for the kids from their aunts and uncles, gran etc and she used to take them back and get the money, or sell them online. So that stopped too! Easier now the kids are a bit older.

Also, just to be clear, she works full
time, has a partner who lives with them and has just built and extension onto their house…it’s not that she needs the money for the kids, food etc!

I'd walk away from this. I'd tell DP that I was moving out, and that he and his ex wife needed to sort their financial details out alone.

It will be much less complicated in the long run.

OP, you sound like a really nice person. You are kind and thoughtful with his DC. You are intelligent and sensible with money. You have a professional career. As a single woman with a decent salary and a smart head, you will have savings and have made good financial decisions.

Your DP has found himself a real catch hasn't he? Someone with no baggage, who has a good job and some spare cash, and helps look after his DC. He has more baggage than Heathrow and you travel very light.

Then there is his ex. A toxic, lazy, money grabbing nightmare who will be around forever you know? Ex's like her don't go away after the divorce. There will be Unis, weddings, GC to talk about and they will have links FOREVER. She will be on your back for decades to come. You will never be able to get a new car, go on a nice holiday or move to a nice house without her trying to extract every last drain of blood for herself.

You know you deserve so much better don't you? You deserve someone who puts you first, who will buy a house 50/50 with you, your own DC. Just out of interest, how old are you?

Your DP, is not a man worth having. He was married to someone who run rings round him, and is still doing it. He's weak, and he is enabling her and you are her narcissistic supply.

The only email you need to now follow up with is:

Dear XXXX

I won't be disclosing my financial information now or in the future as we are no longer in a relationship and I will not be returning to your household. I am no longer willing to be part of this toxic set up.

Please do not contact me again about this demand and I will be making arrangements to collect my items from your house in the next week.

What the courts are concerned about is the welfare of existing children. Things may have changed now but I had friends who had to put off having children of their own until his from his first marriage had reached 18. This was because her income was used to help pay for his children. It always seemed unfair to me but that used to be the way it was.

@BetterFuture1985 It frequently has little or no effect.

Re "splitting up", imagine that OP and her partner split up now and get back together after the divorce has gone through. It would then be open to his ex-wife to try and get the financial order varied. To succeed, she would need to convince the court that, on the balance of probabilities, they split up to avoid disclosing OP's finances (e.g. they split up very shortly after finding out they would need to disclose OP's finances and got back together shortly after the financial settlement was finalised) and that disclosure of OP's finances would have significantly affected the outcome. However, even if she would fail, it would be better for OP and her partner that she isn't given the opportunity.

Just to point out her solicitor will write whatever their client tells them to because they get paid for it.

This.

You are getting 3rd hand information.

You are seeing what his ex's solicitor told his solicitor that his ex has demanded.

Just because his ex asks her solicitor to 'demand something' from you ,or anyone, doesn't mean it's justified, legal, or going to happen!

It wouldn’t be fraudulent on OP’s part. It would be fraudulent for her DP to pretend to a court that he didn’t have any benefit of OP’s salary when in fact she was just waiting in the wings. Maybe that’s what you meant.

Lot of confusion on this thread actually. Lots of pps seem confused between ancillary relief proceedings, where a court decides how to divide assets on divorce, and child maintenance, which is solely concerned with how much a father should pay to support his kids. I’m surprised more people posting in LM don’t know the difference. As I understand it, a new partner’s salary can be enquired into in the former proceedings, not the latter. If a court were to require disclosure, it would be DP’s responsibility to provide it, not OP.

Well I know what I would do and it's really the obvious thing! You need to make an appointment with a reputable solicitor yourself because you DESPERATELY need to know where you stand LEGALLY once and for all?! 🤔
If I were you I wouldn't say anything to ANYBODY about doing this until you armed with the CORRECT information and advice IN WRITING!!
If your DP is not happy with you doing this or with the outcome (which I would like to think is what most here have said, that you can tell her to take a running jump and that your financial affairs are irrelevant) well then you will have to decide if there is a future for the relationship. 😳
One thing that I thought was strange is when you said that your DP had received an email through his own solicitor that originated from her solicitor? Have you actually seen this email, do you know it's kosher? You need to check this out and please be careful that you're not being played.
The law is complicated though so you do need to talk to someone who knows your rights and if DP is not happy when he hears you have taken legal advice of your own then I would be concerned! 😱

As I understand it, a new partner’s salary can be enquired into in the former proceedings, not the latter

But isn't there a difference between a partner and a wife/husband?

If there is no legal contract (marriage) how is that a sound basis for making a financial judgement on their joint income?

An example of this could be where a couple cohabit, or live almost separately where the ex-wife (let's say it's a wife) is receiving spousal maintenance. This may stop or be reduced if she remarried. But having Joe Bloggs living with her now and then, or not formally sharing living costs, is not the same, is it?

IANAL.

At the moment, the DP and the wife are still married. So the house she is in and the house he is in are both marital assets, I think. They’ve just moved the money around between them at the moment, given no final settlement was made.

Unfortunately when deciding the amount of child maintenance an ex spouse should be contributing iro children a partners earnings are taken into consideration. I know this because I was the wife left with the children and i consulted a solicitor iro of maintenance. Which is why my tightfisted oh decided against divorce

What happens legally if the new partner refuses to disclose earnings? Can a court order be made?

I don’t know how relevant this is but I divorced my now x husband on the grounds of adultery. I had a very good solicitor and not once did she take into account the 3rd parties income/assets. Seems a bit weird to me. Perhaps seek your own legal advice would be my suggestion. Hope you get sorted.

As others have pointed out, it is on the form he needs to fill out before a court makes a financial order during the divorce. It could mean she gets more of any assets eg, if you were a multi millionaire a judge might consider your DP could make do with a lower percentage of a certain asset. It affects your DP, not you. However, in this case a judge might also take into consideration the time of separation.

This is why you shouldn't move in with separated people before a divorce is finalised. If you absolutely have to get a place together before divorce is finalised, your contribution should be ring fenced through a joint tenants in common or deed of trust.

The law on this is really a mess - when a partner can claim off an ex even some years after separation. And the lack of no fault divorce means many want to divorce through the separation route which takes at least two years. But during that time you are in a precarious position.

Sorry but they sound like a tag team waiting for the right victim. Ditch him, ditch the bitch and find space to breath!