DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

@BetterFuture1985 - "It's a standard question if you go a certain way about divorce. Which is the "solicitors and out to get everything you can get" method"

No, it is a standard question in the "I want a financial order that cannot be challenged later on the grounds of non-disclosure" method.

This exactly was my first thought.

You could gain yourself some time by waiting till you've completed on your property purchase as your financial situation will have changed by then. I would move into it then nothing of yours is taken into account with the divorce. Get on the electoral roll at your new place and everything else based at your new address. That could give you a bit of space while you decide if you want to continue the relationship or not.
If you don't move in and let it out for instance, you may have to declare more income to his ex.
You could spend time in each others place ( I wouldn't bring his kids to your place though) and see how your partner behaves going forward.
I think it would be best to be seen as not cohabiting whilst his divorce goes through as it protects you the most.

Men really don't like it when a woman says no to them do they?

OP, I was suspicious at the timing of his request, coming as it did at the same time you are about to buy a property. Almost as though he doesn't want you to spend your money on property but to have it himself.

OP, I'd play them at their own game.

Move out, tell him to call you when he's divorced. Then, they need to know nothing about you or your financial status.

They sound like they deserve each other and you sound like a strong minded independent person. Don't let him take that from you.

The legal queen was talking about this and she said that it is possible that they can demand your financial information because it affects the money your partner needs for his housing needs. I would suggest you speak to a solicitor yourself so you get some proper advice

Definitely do not disclose your finances. I would not be keen on staying with your new partner. He sounds like a bit of a liability. Sorry about that.

You sound like a catch. He sounds like a twat.

I know it's easier said than done, but set yourself free from him or you're going to be tied up in misery forever.

You sound like you have everything going for you and no baggage, you can find someone who treats you like the centre of their world, he is treating you like utter crap and clearly shown that your feelings and needs don't matter anywhere close to that of his ex and family.

I agree with other posters that it all feels very scammy... let them proceed with the court order and contact you directly and officially.. and when they do you can remove yourself from the situation and it won't be your problem anymore.

It really doesn't sound like the juice is worth the squeeze to me!

Please, please, please just walk away OP. You don't need to be involved in this mess. It isn't your problem.
If he loves you he will wait until he is divorced before continuing this relationship.
Don't let him move in with you until he is divorced.

This is certainly what I was told over 20 years ago when I was in a similar situation to the OP. I was furious and finished the relationship.

read through a lot more and have to wonder how much of this has actually been said to you by the ex and how much has just been from other people.
I get that everything is email and text these days, but have you spoken to this lawyer face to face? Have you looked them up? And it is not that hard to get kids to say things, especially if they think they are going to go from a single mom household who can't afford to buy nice shoes to a home with two parents, one a nice woman who buys them things. There has been some hint in here about one of the children needing special care, but maybe I misunderstood that.
Either your DP is scamming you alone, with the lawyer, with the ex or with the lawyer and ex. He very well could be doing it alone, manipulating everyone involved. He has you believing that the ex is manipulating you, and she may be involved in some regard, but most of what you post here starts with "DP says that Ex said, DP got an email that says, "DP's Lawyer asked for XYZ, DP said his ex won't work, won't take care of kids, won't ABC." The rest comes via texts, emails and easily manipulated children.
I would take everything your DP says with an entire bottle of salt. And if you all have services like we do here, see if you can run some sort of background check on him.

Also I’ve now been married for around 20 years and I have never told dh what I earn and he has never told me what he earns. And that’s without any crazy exs demanding to know. Even though we’re married I still don’t think it’s particularly any of his business. We keep our finances separate.

So I certainly wouldn’t be impressed at the thought of having to disclose my finances to someone I’m not even shagging.

Either your DP is scamming you alone, with the lawyer, with the ex or with the lawyer and ex. He very well could be doing it alone, manipulating everyone involved. He has you believing that the ex is manipulating you, and she may be involved in some regard, but most of what you post here starts with "DP says that Ex said, DP got an email that says, "DP's Lawyer asked for XYZ, DP said his ex won't work, won't take care of kids, won't ABC."

Quite. This is ALL word of mouth from the DP or via email.

Have you actually read what the lawyers are saying on this thread? Or read the links that some posters have bothered to put up? It matches with what my solicitor told me when I was getting divorced.

I read it more as dump his ass!

I think it would be worth the relatively small expense of you yourself seeing a solicitor to see what might happen- don’t you? You’ll need some financial information about his assets and circumstances from your DP though I would think.

@Delshan123 @Needhelp1000 EXACTLY the same experience here - as soon as ex W learnt I was in a well paid profession, and before we lived together(!) the hand came out for more CM despite the fact she only works 1.5 days a week (by choice, not for any health etc reasons) and (now) DH overpays. It's utterly pathetic. Needless to say, she didn't get a dime 😆

Hope you are OK OP and get through this.

I hope you get this sorted out OP and I'm glad you're getting space to think it must be really stressful for you.

What stands out to me is that he's not even attempting to defend you.
I would expect my partners reply to be " well that sounds bat shit doesn't it love...what you earn should be inenof her damn business. Let me contact another independent solicitor to double check if this is even something they can ask for legally. Sorry you're getting dragged into all this. It's really not fair on you ".... Etc etc

What he's doing is bullying you because he's not getting his own way and is too much of a worm to stand up for himself

My kids dad re married and I wouldn't dream of asking him what she earns!! I get CMS as he lives overseas and never sees kid but her job or earnings have literally never crossed my mind 🤦‍♀️

Have you actually read what the lawyers are saying on this thread? Or read the links that some posters have bothered to put up? It matches with what my solicitor told me when I was getting divorced

I'm not doubting what some people have said. What I am doubting is that a solicitor isn't writing directly to the OP but relying on her DP to pass the word onto her about the disclosure and the potential for a court order, let alone not advising her to get her own legal advice. THAT is what I have an issue with and which seems odd. I know the DP is the solicitor's client, but surely they should be at least communicating with her about the requirement for disclosure and the consequences if she doesn't?

Well, you're a solicitor providing a legal opinion whereas I'm a layperson shaking my head at the state of divorce law in England and Wales! I'll concede that legally you are right - obviously, because you are a solicitor - but morally I think I'm still spot on!

Out of curiosity, does cohabiting have much effect on divorces nowadays? I would have thought it would have more of an effect on triggering sales in Mesher Orders and terminating spousal maintenance (in the rare instances it is actually paid) these days, rather than having much effect on a stronger financial party? Similarly, is it not just a simple case of "splitting up" to make this kind of problem go away?

This. I’ve been through something similar and legally once you’ve lived together 6 month the courts will take your salary and savings into account. It’s hugely unfair, but unfortunately that’s how it is.

Don't let him move in with you until he is divorced.

Actually don't let him move in with you at all. Not for a day, not for an hour. Rather the reverse. He's shown his true colours.

Better to be without any relationship for a while and get some breathing space than deal with all this toxicity and stress in your life.

Focus your energy on what you need to do to make your own life better: exams, new home, work, friends and family. Take comfort, particularly, in your family support. One step at a time. 🌹

Honestly in your position I'd run for the hills. Don't bother wasting money on your own solicitor, just bail on DP, it's ridiculous you've been made to feel like this.