DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

I agree, she's trying it on. You are not married, once you are, then she can ask to take a look, but as cohabiting your money is your own.

My SIL stopped working because my DBs ex tried to do the same to her when they werent married. She could afford to do that cos my DB earnt a mint. My SIL abd DB got married, so my SIL went back to work once his kids weren't dependents.

I think this aspect of financial support is completely unfair. the courts need to get a grip. His ex could work, she's being lazy and expecting you to fund her laziness... Please be wary of marriage though and mess that will bring you....

Then they should be writing to you direct. Call me a cynical old bat (and I promise you I won't mind) but is it actually a solicitor's letter? this sounds more like a fishing expedition to find out how much you can be rinsed for by one or both.

I had to disclose my partner's income/assets when my divorce went to court. Yes its on the forms but our judge also asked for details at our hearing.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain the solicitor is advising the DP on the forms and the DP is his/her client. I think it’s reasonable on the part of the solicitor to ask DP to obtain this information from OP for the forms rather than writing directly, at least in the first instance (as far as the solicitor is concerned, DP might have known it all anyway!)

This would be the same divorce he's done nothing to progress in 4 years and now you're the problem and will need to pay the bills? How fucking dare he. Seriously, CF doesn't cover him. The hills are that way, start running OP.

DP is putting ex first, never good. If you split up and move out then you are nothing to do with him and she can't ask for anything of you and stop paying childcare too.

I hope your financial information isnt where he can get access to it. I wouldnt trust him not to do behind your back.

I haven't read the whole thread but hopefully the benefit of my experience is useful. Firstly, the Form E that your DP has to fill in will ask if he is cohabiting and what your financial situation is. He doesn't have to answer the financial bit, can just put N/A. However, if this matter ends up in court, a judge can order you to disclose if he is trying to determine if one party's needs are more easily met. In my case OW was ordered to disclose, because my ex-h's needs were more than met and he was trying to make me and the children homeless. It was basically what her outstanding mortgage was and her earnings.

My advice is to avoid living with somebody before financial matters are settled and that person is divorced or you will get sucked in. It is utter bollocks to say that he can't get divorced if you don't disclose, however. The "not fair" aspect doesn't come into consideration. The children are teens and she will be expected to support herself. Be aware that if this goes to mediation, the mediator will also ask for disclosure from you.

Absolutely right on, twelve years I was step mum to two girls and it was just awful. He threw money at them to buy their love. His ex would always tell them ‘get your dad to buy xxx’. She wouldn’t even pay the toll back into Wales after dropping the kids off, he had to pay everything. If you ever get with a man with kids you are never going to have any money and if you married him then I do believe CM will take into account your salary.

Definitely take advice on this but I was in a similar position with my now husband. His ex had an affair, moved the guy in with the kids, sold the house they owned to rent a new house and start their ‘new family life’. A couple of months (if that) later, the guy realised living with two young kids and not sneaking around anymore wasn’t all it cracked up to be. We IMMEDIATELY received messages from her saying ‘I think you should be giving me more money each month as you have 2 incomes coming into the household and I only have one’. I had only been dating him for a few months at this point! Wild!

It really irks her now because I earn a considerable amount more than my husband and we look after the kids very well, ensuring they have whatever they need and more when here and direct to them, but she feels very hard done to that my money isn’t going into her bank each month when she sees my husband living in a nice house and going on nice holidays etc. (and the kids).

#karmasab*tch

They most likely want to compare what you make against what you have to make sure he is not hiding marital assets in your name. If his own lawyer is telling him to go ahead, it is probably standard practice, but you can also go see a lawyer to see what rights you have and what impact this will have on you.

It sounds like there's a power imbalance generally, maybe you're younger than him or he sees himself as more successful than you?

As a previous poster has said, irrespective of the legal position his first priority should be protecting you from his mess. When asked for your financial details he should instinctively try to shield you and protect your financial security. If the situation were reversed, do you think you would automatically capitulate to an ex's requests, or instead check the legal requirements? Would you discuss it properly or just tell him what to do? Maybe you'd even look into ways to protect him, suggest he get his own legal advice etc, all the things others are suggesting. He sounds more "I/ you* than "we".

I agree with the others that it doesn't bode well for your future. I hope you're able to separate any thoughts about his children- who you clearly care about- from your own future.

We'll have to disagree because I don't. If OP is a party to the divorce settlement in this way then as a matter of courtesy IMO solicitor should contact her directly, tell her what is required, the consequences if she doesn't comply and tell her she might need to get her own legal advice. But IANAL and perhaps that's what the legal profession does - expect client to pass on messages and hope that the threats are made explicit enough.

OP you are seriously about to dodge a bullet! I'm so glad you posted, and despite some advice on here maybe being incorrect in terms of legals, the doubts about the worth of this man and the risk of so much agro and baggage (that will follow you for years and years if you stay), has elicited a lot of good advice.
You really can do better, his reaction and way of dealing with this is outrageous. I have a close family member who was in your situation and her partner was 100% on her side, bent over backwards to mitigate the issues that being with him brought her (difficult ex, teenage children), and for her it's been so worth it as he is a genuinely decent man. Your DP has already proved he isn't, and doesn't bode well for a happy future.
Wishing you all the best, take the freedom that is on offer and leave

This is very similar to how she is/was with us. In fact DP got a similar text claiming how unfair it is that there’s two incomes in the household a while back. I should have known this would happen. She keeps trotting out the unfair line when we have constantly offered to help with childcare if she goes back to work full time. At one point DP even offered to pay for it too and she refused. Her response was actually ‘why should I work full time?’ (I heard these words come out of her mouth)

I fully know she will push and push regarding this.

DP has just informed me that if I cause more hassle in the divorce & cause more solicitor bills because I’m refusing to state the financials then he wants me to pay the solicitor bills myself. No thanks

To add, this would be enough for me to end the relationship I'm afraid!

Very glad I posted, it helped me to really assess how I was feeling. It’s good to have been able to get people’s experience and advice on this topic.

I'm so pleased that you started this thread and it has been a catalyst for you to leave this man. Your DP is not on your side; he is siding with his lazy, entitled ex. You will not regret your decision to leave him.

You need to get out and break up immediately. The ex wants the details as if you have a pot of money, they can be taken into the account during divorce. As there is 2 of you, his living costs would go down therefore she can get more out of him ( I.e. if you were wealthy and he moved with you, the court would ask him for more as his needs can be met by his wealth partner). Your earnings and savings would have to be little for the court to ignore them. Run fast !!!

The only way to avoid all of this, is to leave. Otherwise, you are going to potentially end up in court. I know that I don’t know you, but you seem kind and caring and I don’t think you deserve this. Please look after yourself. This shit show (sorry!) will still be carrying on for ages, so it seems better to remove yourself from it all.

Cocklodger..?

Your income is irrelevant to her, you are not married to him so you have no bearing on their divorce. Why the f would she get any of your money?! Sounds like she is just chancing it. And why would he be giving your information out?!

If you dump him by email, he can forward that to his solicitor that there is now only one income for his household.

Seems to have no problem standing up to you, so he can find it within himself to stand up to his ex. He’s just choosing not to. Bin him off!

we understood you well first time. They are both chancers. DP wants to blame you for divorce delay if you dont give info? Tell him to get lost and you move out