DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

Thank you.

I think I know what I need to do.

apologies if I don’t respond to everyone - busy evening.

This does not sound right. I'd get in touch with a solicitor. I don't like the sound of your DP. There's something fishy going on here.

Once you have been living together for over 6 months your financial situation does get taken into account within the divorce as you and and your partner are sharing bills/costs so he cannot claim he has to cover all these on his own. Therefore if his child support payments have been lower due to him claiming he had to pay for everything, this is clearly not tut case as you are living together. The courts can demand that your financial information is shared

Agreed, I'm thinking this too.

Iv heard this before and when you live together you are seen as 1. Therefore yes in a divorce, income and allowance is looked at. If you both have children 50/50 they would only look at maybe spousal maintenance.

My thoughts are with you whatever you decide to do ❤️

Reading some family law sites if you are cohabiting then you do have to declare... so you may be better off living in your own property but I am not sure if you still have to disclose as you are a partner and they have to check contributions into the household

DP has sent me a message to state that his solicitor wants full details of my salary, any bonuses I get, any debts I have and what savings I have. Apparently the ex’s solicitor is really pushing this and has mentioned court order if I don’t disclose soon.

This all seems to be happening very fast. Would'nt you'd get a letter from the ex's solicitor directly to you asking you formally if they are threatening a court order - to show they mean business? A court order doesn't happen overnight either. and its all being done by text. Sounds like your financials are being volunteered.

Its awful that you are suddenly being dragged into his divorce (on hold for four years ) and now his ex wants to put a charge on YOUR income.

Glad you are having some space from this OP. Focus on your exams, stay with your relative and just think about yourself for a while. This mess will still be there after the exams, but don't let it derail you.

Is it for a financial order?
Annoying if so, the ex is entitled to know your earnings, debts and assets but only after you've been living together 6 months.
It's because your partners living costs are now shared meaning they're in a better position financially.

Total sh*te I know.

Leave this emotionally blackmailing man now.

And then to the other side of fuck.

Unbelievable!

Op - you do not need to disclose, there was a huge court battle between my dp and his ex when we got together, and I was living in a house in both their names, at no point was I ever asked for my financials at all, even the judge stated it was between them when it went to court.
secondly- you dp solicitor is not passing on information to him to tell you, as they cannot do this as they are not Your solicitor:
Oddly! I had similar where my dp solicitor wanted to advise me not to take on the property as I would have to take on ex partner debt. They ended up saying it candidly and telling me to get legal advice.

also even if she happened to get a court order I doubt it very much - it still wouldn't cost you money. Plus as you own another property you can say your living costs are not shared. You split the time between two properties. Its all bullshit!
Plus the minute an partner ex relationship cost me money is when I would run!!

Honestly though the fact he fights for the ex so much and not you, I wouldn't stay. My DP spent more time worrying that I would leave him over the stress then he cared about the money etc. We are still together 14 years later. Subconsciously you would of had doubts as to buy a separate property. Listen to your gut it is what protects you from what the eyes can't see.

OP you sound really smart and like you have your shit together. I just wanted to tell you in case you doubt yourself!

Also enjoy your trip away and good luck for your exams. Your DP is an idiot weighing you down and you will fly without him and his baggage. I'm sorry for his DC being caught in this situation.

@Needhelp1000 If I were you, I would move out of his house immediately - stay with a relative until your own house purchase goes through. But speak to your own solicitor as soon as you get back from your work trip. He/she should be able to advise you exactly what the legal position is and you can then take informed action. Make sure you tell the Solicitor that you are in the process of buying your own home too

I hope this all works out for you

I haven't RTFT, just your posts OP. I agree with PPs who've suggested getting your own legal advice.

He needs to get divorced ASAP. Your salary information does not need to be disclosed unless a judge orders this. You refusing to disclose your salary is not going to delay anything unless she creates drama around it. You don’t own a house together and you don’t share the mortgage. She’s had her fair share when she received her 80% of equity. They need to just get a clean break order. Her being greedy is what’s going to delay things. A judge will come down hard on her about her refusal to work full time if it gets as far as court. Tell him not to spend unnecessary money on a solicitor when he can just self represent. Solicitors letters are often full of absolute garbage. He needs to stop pandering to the solicitors.

He doesn’t stand up for you. This is a red flag.

This

My DP has just had a final hearing for finances and my income did get taking into account and she got a larger pay out because I’ve always worked full time and she hasn’t and has no intentions of working full time. It’s seen that we’re in a better position than she will ever be and can recoup the money. My dps mortgage ability is higher because of my salary and a joint mortgage in the future. I didn’t provide them for a long time (it’s been a very long and arduous process here) but was part of the order at FDR as we had been cohabiting for two years and it was clear it was a serious relationship. The legal queen or whatever she is called on Tik Tok also states they can know your earnings as part of the process.

I really feel for you. Its all been a bit of a whirlwind recently and DP doesn't sound like he's been supportive.

Just for balance though, before you do anything drastic, think back to when you met. What made you fall in love with him? Has he changed? To be devil's advocate he may be feeling the pressure from being the main parent (emotionally, financially, appointments etc) and now he's got the request for divorce from his ex. All very stressful. Maybe he needs to get advice on being assertive to deal with his ex.

In some ways, he sounds like a decent bloke - not complaining about buying the kids all things they need etc. (Okay this use of his disposable income has left you with most of bills but he might not have clocked that impact fully). Is he good with housework etc?

What I'm saying is, he does seem to have redeeming features and if you were to take the ex out of the equation, perhaps he could be a good partner. Only you know what he's like and, as you say, your gut has been uncomfortable about things for a while.... but has the ex been getting more demanding recently perhaps....

If (and only if) you can remember why you got together and you think you'd like things to be as they were, then you will have to talk to him, tell him how you feel. Be completely honest how hurt you feel. Tell him you need him to have your back, deal with the ex firmly, set rules about childcare/ child support. Give him a chance to change and adapt.

Good luck whatever you decide, but don't rush into anything. It's great you've got these days away... try and look after yourself, treat yourself to a few nice things. :-)

So, don't move in with a separated partner until they are divorced.

This all seems to be happening very fast. Would'nt you'd get a letter from the ex's solicitor directly to you asking you formally if they are threatening a court order - to show they mean business?

This is what's looking hinky to me as well. Why is the solicitor writing to your partner (allegedly) and relying on him to pass the message on? as a party they're trying to involve surely solicitor should be a) corresponding with OP direct and b) advising her to get her own legal advice? this is all word of mouth from the bf.

There's a lot of vitriol being flung at OP's partner and I agree with some of it, he sounds like a bit of a twat but he is according to the OP doing a lot more for the kids than his useless ex, and as several solicitors have pointed out, he's not wrong that the ex can request OP's income - just because it's not fair doesn't make it unlawful.

I think that OP needs to think carefully here, rather than getting swept up by some posters in this thread.

That’s what I’ve thought too.

I’ve seen the email from his solicitor which does state (paraphrasing) ‘her solicitor would like Needhelp1000’s financials which include salary, bonus, debts and other assets. If she doesn’t provide these details then we are looking at potentially court.’

His solicitor has also asked him to ask me for the details, never to approach me directly.

Go and see a solicitor yourself.

personally with the way he is half backing her story I’d look to get rid of him. He should be backing you up and keeping you out of it, seems he is still putting her first. This feels a little dangerous for your future.

I have heard of something where this happened, new lady gave her earning details (which was better than his), and spousal support went up. He had to pay, but then new lady did in the fact he contributed less into their new family.

good luck, but get checked and possibly get rid.

It's great that he's doing more for his kids - but that is his responsibility, not OPs.

And whilst requesting OP's financial information is not unlawful, it doesn't change the fact that her getting caught up in this divorce is not necessarily in her best interests. She's within her rights to take a step back and think about whether this relationship and the added complexity that comes with it, is right for her.