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Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Lazyhazydaze · 01/06/2023 18:14

It may not matter now but in the future it may be different as household income is used in certain calculations. I no longer get child benefit as my husband earns too much (not even the dad of my 2 eldest kids) and also for uni maintenance loans are based on household income. Both my kids got the lowest loan because of their stepfathers income despite their real dad not paying a scrap of maintenance for nearly 10 years! System is so flawed!

confessionstoday · 01/06/2023 18:15

You are not obliged to disclose anything. There are no court proceedings, you are not a party to anything.
The only person that can make you disclose anything is a judge.

At this stage it's voluntary disclosure and his solicitor Dam well knows this.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/06/2023 18:15

maksmaks · 01/06/2023 18:09

Correct. His lifestyle is improved due to his new partners income (yours). Your income will be taken into account t in determining what he can afford.

Even when they are not married or in a civil partnership?

YDBear · 01/06/2023 18:18

He is trying to bully you. Kick him out. Now. Don’t put up with that shit for a second. Good job you found out what an arsehole he is now before you married him.

Ladysmirnoff1 · 01/06/2023 18:20

Run & don't look back.
You can do so much better.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 01/06/2023 18:21

A man, a mad ex, and three teenagers is a lot to take on. DP was very lucky to find you and very stupid to take the piss like this

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/06/2023 18:22

@Needhelp1000

your DP sounds like an absolute wet wipe

you deserve so much more OP

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 18:23

YDBear · 01/06/2023 18:18

He is trying to bully you. Kick him out. Now. Don’t put up with that shit for a second. Good job you found out what an arsehole he is now before you married him.

She can’t kick him out, she lives at his place. She has, however, gone fo stay at her brother’s and is going away soon with work.

Jac1970stone · 01/06/2023 18:25

Hi I had a similar situation and checked it with a solicitor and if you are living together then she has the right to claim a portion of your salary and savings and anything else you own in the divorce proceedings. I was absolutely horrified and I had to then live separately - and prove that we were not living together as she continued to challenge it in the court proceedings. I was absolutely certain that I was not giving her half of my savings and pension or salary!!

I still don’t understand how it can be possible as if I died OH would not be entitled to anything as common law without a will, yet she could claim this, but was absolutely assured by the solicitor that she was right and could claim against me if we were cohabiting.

https://www.peacock-law.co.uk/personal/will-moving-in-with-a-new-partner-affect-my-divorce/#:~:text=Will%20moving%20in%20together%20affect,settlement%20won't%20be%20affected.

Will moving in with a new partner affect my divorce? Peacock & Co

You've separated and are keen to move on with a new partner. Will moving in together affect the outcome of your divorce proceedings?

https://www.peacock-law.co.uk/personal/will-moving-in-with-a-new-partner-affect-my-divorce/#:~:text=Will%20moving%20in%20together%20affect,settlement%20won't%20be%20affected.

workingOnItEveryday · 01/06/2023 18:26

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

Wow, he's blaming you for the divorce potentially being delayed? I'm not sure you want to be with this guy. I'd address that point first before anything else. His divorce is his problem, any decent guy would try to shield you from that mess and not try to involve you.

Keep your financials to yourself and at this point away from this guy.

Changechangechanging · 01/06/2023 18:27

Erm...it's normal to be asked to disclose a new partner's income for the Form E. If new partner refuses to disclose, it can be forced by a judge but it is not for the purpose.of a new partner's money being given to the ex. Rather, it's about making calculations for spousal maintenance (which is pretty rare nowadays but can still be ordered) and/or looking at the impact of keeping an ex on the mortgage till the children are 18 etc. If you refuse to disclose, and a judge doesn't consider they want the detail (likely), it will just be assumed you share joint outgoings on a 50/50 basis.

There is no drama here. All within the realms of normal.

suzysnowball · 01/06/2023 18:28

Sounds to me like he's working with his so called ex in a scam to get their hands on your finances. Why haven't they divorced? Because its more profitable for them both to con people like yourself. You will be better off without in your life.

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 18:28

We are on page 26 of the thread, people, maybe at least read all the OP’s posts before posting?

Nothingisblackandwhite · 01/06/2023 18:29

What ?? Sorry I’m a solicitor and dela with Dickinson taxes a lot and that is utter ridiculous. I would be worried your partner is actually lying to you .
Also a bit if free advice to anyone here , do not move in and share anything financial with anyone still married legally . It’s bound to create issues .

ukgot2pot · 01/06/2023 18:32

What is he bringing to the table OP?! (apart from a messy divorce and a lot of baggage!).

CantFindMyMarbles · 01/06/2023 18:32

No, it won’t delay proceedings.
don’t do it.
your income is irrelevant

elizaagain · 01/06/2023 18:32

I can sympathise with you being upset/angry at the thought of someone that's nothing to do with you trying to get money from your direction. But my feeling was in accord with poster above that said the law probably does allow her to get some of your money from you if you are together (even though you are living together and not married). You do need to check the legal position for yourself with a solicitor - so you know not "how the law should be", but "how the law actually is". There is a difference between the two. Your guy should have "seen it coming" re what his ex has now done and made sure that the divorce had happened before you started living together and I would say he's probably being quite realistic in stating the ex really is (legally-speaking) entitled to take your assets into account - so don't go blaming the guy for how the law is and just be aware it would have helped if he'd known how the law is before he started living with you. I would think the best you can do now is have him move back out again until he is divorced/the settlement is all agreed etc and then you're free to live together/get married. But the very first thing to do is to see a solicitor of your own to check out exactly what the law says.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 18:33

ukgot2pot · 01/06/2023 18:32

What is he bringing to the table OP?! (apart from a messy divorce and a lot of baggage!).

A very good question to ask and I have to admit, not a lot.

OP posts:
BeverlyHa · 01/06/2023 18:33

you must be joking. if this is real, your partner must be joking and the fact he was ready to give your financial details to someone who does not want to live with anymore shows you he does not love you

Floppyelf · 01/06/2023 18:35

I know a lot of people are beating you down on both sides but I think you should breathe a sigh of relief! Not your circus, not your monkey’s and better late than never. This is a good learning point in your life and unlike many women who are browbeaten into being a housemaid, slave etc for someone else’s kids, you’ve escaped it financially unscathed ( no marriage, houses, kids with him).

i also think the ex wife is acting like she is married to him and he hasn’t put or enforced any boundaries. The kids are his and I bet at a certain point will all end up with him but you don’t have to play second best/ concubine to her. You are free! Rejoice! Scream! Exhale and move on!

BeverlyHa · 01/06/2023 18:35

In some weird way thought the woman seems to know that until she is still married with the man, all the money he has access to, should be for his biological kids. Only in weird step families set ups, as these ones found and heard of, only in this grand weird old country

ohfourfoxache · 01/06/2023 18:35

Perhaps (in a VERY roundabout way) this is a good thing - it almost reads like you’ve given yourself permission to act on your niggling doubts

He really doesn’t sound very pleasant though Sad

ThreeRingCircus · 01/06/2023 18:36

The rights and wrongs of whether you should disclose your financial information is actually irrelevant OP. What's more telling is his attitude and behaviour. Coercive tactics, bullying, threats, no thought for your welfare or willingness to talk things through. This from a man that hasn't at any point in the last four years bothered to start divorce proceedings and only waited until you were on the scene and his ex was kicking off.

Your gut is telling you this isn't right because it is not right. Listen to your gut and get the hell out of there.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 18:37

Floppyelf · 01/06/2023 18:35

I know a lot of people are beating you down on both sides but I think you should breathe a sigh of relief! Not your circus, not your monkey’s and better late than never. This is a good learning point in your life and unlike many women who are browbeaten into being a housemaid, slave etc for someone else’s kids, you’ve escaped it financially unscathed ( no marriage, houses, kids with him).

i also think the ex wife is acting like she is married to him and he hasn’t put or enforced any boundaries. The kids are his and I bet at a certain point will all end up with him but you don’t have to play second best/ concubine to her. You are free! Rejoice! Scream! Exhale and move on!

Thanks.

all three kids have said they’d rather live with dad but it’s been kept 50/50 so that they can have a relationship with their mum too. I know nothing further from this apart from one of the children is actively wanting to come back full time to his dad.

OP posts:
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