DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

@Needhelp1000 The message you sent was perfect. I think if I were you I'd send him a message to say you don't want to hear from him until you get back. Block him if you have to.

At this point as far as I would be concerned the legality of you having to provide this info is really neither here nor there. It's all about the way he's treated you and the fact that he has no problem making demands of you without regards to your feelings, simply to placate his exW. His response to her should have been "Have your solicitor send my solicitor a letter" and a simple 'warning' to you that there might be trouble a-brewing but the two of you would work it out together, based on legal advice. Instead he became demanding and threatening you with paying his legal bills.

I think that this relationship is dead in the water. I wouldn't ever be able to forget the way he bullied me to get this information. Information, BTW, that you have no 'official' communications regard. It's all 'she said' and 'solicitor said', nothing in writing to detail exactly what is 'required'.

If I were you, I'd be asking my brother if I could stay with him (or your parents?) until closing. The only reason I'd go back to your 'not so d P's' would be to pack my stuff

You know what alcohol does OP? Removes the filter of "things not to say". So she said it when drunk, but I'll bet she thinks it when sober too.

She wants to move into her STBXH's house, rent free (or claiming housing benefit since she doesn't work), with him (or, effectively, the housing benefit) paying the mortgage.

She wants him and you to move into your house with you paying the mortgage.

She sells her house and doesn't have any mortgage and spends all the money from the sale of it, or hides it somewhere not in her name, so she can continue to claim housing benefit.

They both have a lot to lose by you walking away, don't they?

This. I think the op may be forced into doing something she might regret because of the force of vitriol on here. At its basic, he’s just passing on his solicitors messages and it must be frustrating for him that’s she’s costing him more money for extra solicitor letters etc.

I can see why the op is frustrated and he doesn’t cover himself in glory by how he’s handled things but it appears that the courts could insist on the disclosure so he’s not exactly wrong. Perhaps a serious calm talk can get them back on the same page, or if not, can clarify things for the op as to whether they split or not. Don’t go in all guns blazing and defensive op. Try to see where each other is coming from.

Actually the courts seeing he pays all his mortgage and half the bills, might get him a better settlement than if they have to resort to assuming you pay half because you won’t disclose.

Could you not live separately until his divorce is final? I can't see how your financials could be considered if you don't cohabit?

Well done for stepping back OP, it seems his mask has well and truly slipped and he has revealed himself to be both under his wife's thumb and abusive to you. I would run far and fast from this pair of grabby cunts before they come up with some other ways to part you from your hard earned money. Good luck, you sound like a very good person.

Move out. Quickly. You don’t want any part in this.

All the people advocating for OP to "calm down and see where each other are coming from" seem to ignore the fact that OP was already unsure about the relationship and that her DP doesn't seem particularly concerned about her feelings, and on the whole doesn't seem to see her as anything other than free childcare and a financial crutch. It would have been different if this guy was worth all this headache, but its absolutely clear that he is not.

Think that it would be all very well if it had just come about that the ex had asked for the information and they’d talked it through and she was being told on here that she had no right to that information when it appears that she does. IME a lot of MN’ers tell OP’s what they think should happen as fact when the truth is usually further away.

However the way in which he has gone about it, by being aggressive, making demands and threatening the OP that if it goes to court she will be responsible for the costs doesn’t bode well for a future happy relationship. Is that what he’s going to do every time he doesn’t get his way? Scream and shout and threaten?

It’s gone beyond the legal side of things now. It’s become more personal.

Would I end the relationship over being asked to provide my financial information? Not necessarily if it was asked in a polite way rather than with threats and intimidation.

Would I end a relationship where my so-called partner started threatening and being aggressive? Absolutely.

And I wouldn’t put it past him to say that the solicitor had said, there’s no proof of that, but given he hasn’t got anywhere by threatening in his own right, he’s decided to make the OP feel threatened by saying that the solicitors have told him that they need the information ASAP.

IME no solicitors are that efficient that if the request was made yesterday they would already be considering court.

“IME no solicitors are that efficient that if the request was made yesterday they would already be considering court.”

This!

Regular user, name changed for this.

My ex tried this with my now-husband’s income. Ex didn’t work, current husband had (has) property and good job. Ex decided he fancied some of that. Lawyers laughed him out of the room.

No advice, but really sorry you are going through this xx

She has a right to the information as it pertains to child maintenance. Now you have formed a household with him, your finances and situation are taken into account. Living with a new partner often means a lesser monthly outlay than living on one's own.

There’s something really really off here. You don’t have a professional relationship with this solicitor and have no obligation at all to provide him with any information. Nor do you have an obligations to his ex.

tell him to get the court order.

I don’t think it pertains to child maintenance, that’s based on the NRP’s salary (though the kids are 50:50 anyway).

It pertains to the financial settlement for the divorce and the costs for housing that each party has.

Yes, I've been in this position. Unfortunately yes, she can do this. My DH's ex did this to us when she found out we were getting married. Wanted half of my savings, and would have been entitled to it after we were married if we hadn'tve settled after a very expensive fight. Make sure he settles and that the divorce stipulates that she can't come after anything else of his, or yours in the future

Makes no difference to child maintenance whatsoever. Spousal - which went out with the ark - maybe, but not child.

I haven't read the whole thread.
Only a court can order disclosure of your income etc.
There was a case in last few years that stated people are entitled to be “independent” and not be required to amalgamate their incomes like she is stating. Thats the “old” view.
You both need decent legal advice
Id never get involved with someone who was still going through a divorce. Been there ! Thats how I knew about the case

Oh and a little known fact.
if he gives her a £1 in spousal ( not child ) it comes off £1 for £1 off her Universal Credit. So its pointless
sec 66 Universal Credit Regulations 2012

It sounds like you need to split up or have separate households at least until his divorce is finalised and as a pp said he needs to make sure that it is a final settlement so she can't come back in future.

She wouldn’t be able claim housing benefit living in the exes house.

Tell her you don’t think it’s fair she can’t be bothered to work full time and earn her own living.

Then get DP to ask his solicitor where the law states that your earnings need to be taken into account. That said the divorce forms I’m doing ask if I have a new partner or if I’m going to move in with one in the next 6 months.

Correct. His lifestyle is improved due to his new partners income (yours). Your income will be taken into account t in determining what he can afford.

Get out of this relationships now! This isn’t an issue with the ex, this is an insight into your life moving forward. The fact he hasn’t got divorced prior is what has caused this. This is compounded by the fact that he is treating you in a rather contemptuous manner right now.

Perfectly acceptable to tell him that you think it best to leave the relationship where it stands for now as you don’t feel comfortable being a part of his divorce proceedings, you feel it’s adversely affecting him which is making him come across to be rather unpleasant and uncaring to you, which is, in turn, affecting your relationship together and you can see where you both stand once he is free to move on with his life once the dissolution of his marriage has been concluded should you both still be in a position to wish to do so, but, for the here and now, it’s best you are no longer together and you wish him well in resolving the issue moving forward.

I'm glad you can see the bigger picture, it's so easily to get bogged down in day to day life.

I'm worried about you only paying bills - I'm sure I read somewhere that if you were paying towards mortgage or maintenence then you would be entitled to half the equity from when you moved in. If you cohabit for years and only pay bills then you are subsididing his nest egg as it grows and grows instead of sharing that nest egg. You need some proper independent advice. Good luck!

I’ve not read the whole thread so may be repeating what others have said.

Form E asks the divorcee to disclose their partner’s assets and income. When my ex-wife (represented by a very expensive London lawyer) completed hers, she said she didn’t know (which was a provable lie, but that’s an aside).

But from what I’ve read on this thread, your DP doesn’t actually know. And I don’t see how you can force you to tell him. So if I were him, that’s what I would put too. Put the ball back in her court. There could be a follow-up court hearing at which she can request the information and your DP can decline to give it, at which point it will up to the Judge to opine.