DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

Nice to see someone kick someone when they’re down right?!

OP, bottom line, protect yourself and realise you are vulnerable around these people and protect yourself.

Yes I believe this.

when I first moved in she enquired (through her children) in my salary and whether I had my own house and if I had any savings. The eldest child actually admitted it to me (we have a good relationship and he even said he wondered why mum would want that sort of info!)

OP can you just move out until his divorce and then reconsider when it's all settled. Take yourself out of the picture and let them get on with it.
Sounds like he doesn't have your back anyway. Would you have children with him? Think about how that would work with his other kids and ex in the family mix as well. Read some of the posts on here from women who are the second family.

@Needhelp1000 ignore it. Nasty, uncalled for, and unhelpful.

Are you OK? Conscious this thread is moving quickly and you are also away for work so things must feel pretty stressful right now.

If you need some time to try and decompress and think, then get yourself some breathing space. Tell him you're seeking your own legal advice and to back off. Then if you want to, you can come back to this thread if and when you are ready.

I can’t remember the username but someone posted this message and I have sent it to DP:

Please inform your solicitor that I am currently travelling with work and will be seeking separate legal advice on this point when I return and I do not consent to any information sharing until I have received such advice.

I have told him that I don’t wish to hear any further from him until I have returned.

You set a boundary - you don't want to provide financial details. You moved out to create a situation where you legally don't need to provide these details. That boundary is the equivalent of stepping into your own home and locking the door behind you. He's trying to bust your boundaries down. You feel uncomfortable because what he's doing is the equivalent of banging on your windows and trying to kick your door in. If he were literally doing that, would the correct and safest response be
a) to open the front door letting him in to take what he wants
or b) ignoring him for a short time hoping he goes away and calling the police if he continues to harass you?

DP has sent me a message to state that his solicitor wants full details of my salary, any bonuses I get, any debts I have and what savings I have. Apparently the ex’s solicitor is really pushing this and has mentioned court order if I don’t disclose soon.

This isn't your problem. It doesn't matter to you what both solicitors want. It's literally nothing to do with you. If you get a court order to appear, you go and tell them you no longer live with him. That's the end of the matter. You are not going to be forced to provide financial details, please stop worrying about that. Any stress he gets from his wife isn't your problem. Any stress he gets from his solicitor isn't your problem. Any stress his solicitor gets from her solicitor isn't your problem. What his wife wants isn't your problem. None of it is your problem.

Block his number and send his emails to spam folder.

You have a key? Go round with your brother when DP/ex is at work (take an emergency day off if you have to, tell your boss there's a personal crisis - because there is) and collect all your things. After that there's no need for you to be in contact with him ever again.

Ah thanks for asking. I’m not ok, I do feel like a mug and am angry at myself for allowing myself to get involved. I know it’s a lesson learnt however I’m glad I’m strong enough to get out of this situation..

I have professional exams soon so having to concentrate on them too - bloody hard though!

DP seems to be more upset that he’s spent money writing back to his solicitor stating I’ve refused to give details though. Really not good is it?!

@Needhelp1000
Ive had a read through the posts. I think you’ve done exactly the right thing informing him you are seeking other legal advice.
Do not feel pressured to do anything. It may well be the case that they need to know your financials if you live together, but there is absolutely no urgency. This has been going on 4 years.
Take a step back, clear your head and seek some advice if you do decide to stay with this man.

Tell him you're officially breaking it off with him and will collect your things when you return from your work trip.

Then he won't 'require' your financials.

Tell him you'll reconsider your relationship if he actually divorces her, but not a day before, but frankly, i wouldn't even consider it at this point.

He's taking financial advantage of you, and dumping his load on you as well while having his ex's back, not yours. I'd tell him to go back to her since he's already paying for her lifestyle as it is and jumps when she tells him to, every single, time.

Don't be angry at yourself. Be proud that you are strong and confident enough to stand up for yourself when your boundaries are pushed. Be proud that you have those boundaries and that you know what you are worth - and what you want and deserve in a partnership.

Look at this as a test run. It's been a useful learning experience but now it's time to move on.

I think your focus should be on finding somewhere else to stay (until your new property completes). Then get your professional exams done. Get help to fetch your stuff and detach yourself from this man and his messy life. I suspect that once you have done that, everything will start to fall into place for you.

Good on you op for being strong enough to get out of this situation, it’s messy and him taking her side and pushing you for your financials is disgusting to be honest. If it were me I’d tell him he doesn’t need any financials because we are not together anymore and throw this one back. You have a lot on already and there will be someone interested in you and will treat you as you deserve

Oh and you would save money on solicitors if you just left them to it. Bonus

He’s probably working up to ask OP to pay for the solicitors letter he “had to send because she refused to give her info over”

I think this relationship has run its course. 💐

Abusers are very good at pretending to be lovely at first. No one would give them a second date otherwise.

Quit with the victim-blaming.

@Needhelp1000 taking your contribution into account will mean he has to give his ex a bigger share, and also means that you will end up paying more because he will have even less disposable income than he had already (& you've already said you're covering bills plus stuff for his kids, etc). This amount will just become larger, so that's worth thinking about. Do you really want to be subsidising their dc?

That was me and I am glad it was helpful.

Take some time for yourself, OP

“DP seems to be more upset that he’s spent money writing back to his solicitor stating I’ve refused to give details though. Really not good is it?!”

Wow, he really won’t quit when he is behind, will he?!

Don't feel bad, it's what con men do, they lure you in - no discredit to you, many an intelligent, savvy person has been suckered, especially with the lure of love!

Just breathe a sigh of relief that you have noticed before its gone too far - you have de-mugged yourself, you have lost nothing by virtue of your own senses picking up on something thats not quite right, and can walk away.

The tears will dry, clarity will return and you will think glad I dodged that bullet!

OH just officially break off the relationship the ex will then have to find another mug to milk.

Bloody hell op ☹️

How soon can you realistically move out? How long have you been together?

Id absolutely be moving out until the Divios complete. Regardless of whether you carry on the relationship or not.

It asks if you are now co-habiting. It does not ask for any financial details relating to the anyone apart from the couple divorcing.

That's very different than needing your salary.

Oh no, it does. I missed that. Sorry.

Good.

Be kind to yourself. Don't rush yourself. Take your time.

If he really cares for you he will be waiting for you when/ if you decide you want to continue the relationship. He'll understand how exhausting and overwhelming all of this has been for you.

And if he puts pressure on you, or tries in any way to manipulate you - well, you'll know that you aren't as important to him as you had hoped and you will have dodged a bullet.

In contrast to other posters on here, I don’t think your moving in with him is a lever for him taking advantage of you. From his perspective it seems living with you is a sacrifice when it comes to the divorce settlement as the courts may give him less in the split because you live together. Maybe he feels you not playing ball in terms of providing details means the courts may assume you have more money than you do and will give him even less and you aren’t helping him make the best of what probably feels like an unfair situation to him.

He sounds a bit wet about the whole divorce thing - he’s left it stagnating. He doesn’t challenge requests. He doesn’t seem to have dug into what is involved and really thought about how it affects things and what the most savvy way to approach it is. He lacks agency. If he’s like this in other areas of his life, this would really annoy me. And it would annoy me in this one area too, but I think we don’t all have to be perfect about everything and sometimes there’s a weak spot that is understandable. Divorces are emotional and messy and often tied up with patterns of behaviour from a not good part of our lives. Especially with a kid involved and if his ex is emotionally manipulative (which some of your posts suggest she might be).

If any of this sounds like it might apply (and it may be way off base), it might be better to save the hurt and sit down with him in a more compassionate way to discuss the divorce, what it means for the two of you, and how you can best approach it.