DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

She already got 80pc of the house what could she be gunning for now?

You said he hasn’t much spare cash so seems strange

I suspect he's seeing his live in nursemaid and billpayer slip from his grasp.

Yes but it sounds more like an aggressive solicitor is the route cause than the OP's DP. He sounds more like a doormat than anything.

@TheCreamTeaWasFromMe makes an interesting point actually. Solicitors do have certain ethics that they have to follow but they will nevertheless prioritise their client and potentially there is a conflict of interest between your and your partner here.

Legally it appears that you do need to provide this information for Form E. On that basis, I would definitely move out so that he can see how ridiculous the demand is. Everything could be settled based on including your earnings and then you could split up the week after. How does that make sense?

Only you know if you want the relationship to continue, but if you move out then it gives him the space to deal with the divorce, based on his earnings as a single person. It gives you the time to work out whether you want to become part of his family.

If you do decide to speak to a solicitor do not speak to his... You need independent advice. And he can pay the bill.

This is also really valid. Everyone saying he needs the OP for the bills is barking up the wrong tree. He will be better off personally if he is not cohabiting when he divorces. He will get more of the assets and almost certainly won't have to pay maintenance (other than child maintenance). Ex will also be ordered off her backside and told to work full time.

OP, I say this again, now you have moved out, please do not go back to live with him and do not hand over any financial details or make any financial statement other than you no longer live together. The relationship as it was, has now come to an end.

Stay living apart ….. at least until he is well and truly divorced and then some. And until you really know what you want out of life.

He is not a free man and no good will come of this as he is still very attached to his EX and he sees your finances as his finances which happens to be backed up by the law in this instance. You will only be in even deeper, -more committed and I am sensing from what you have written here, that that isn’t what you want at all. You will feel forever obliged to carry on providing for the children if his finances are adjusted with your income taken into account.

Go back only to collect your stuff and tell him it’s over as he is still married. You made a mistake. You weren’t thinking straight. You felt you loved him and wanted to do right by his children but you now realise it simply wasn’t your place to love him while he was still married and very much attached financially to his wife and you realise it was never your place to subsidise his wife and support her children in the first place. You were naive but now you know better.

It has muddied the waters and, far too fast and suddenly, you are in much deeper than you ever wanted to be.

You realise now that you want to pursue living independently and see where that takes you.

If he really loved you and was of good moral character, he would have done the decent thing and never have allowed you to move in until he was properly free and financially stable and able to offer you something. He can offer you nothing (except threats and confusion it seems yet all the time he has accepted your financial commitment to him, his ex and his children)

He is using you.
Please don’t go back there to live.
good luck !

Which is not unreasonable, move out, refuse to give this detailed information (remember you don't have to disclose, the court order won't happen), if you are not living with him, if you wish you can keep seeing him as a girlfriend and see how it goes long term, but you are not enmeshed in his complex affairs - which is probably best for him too.

@BetterFuture1985

So unfortunately the DP is walking a tightrope here and I do sympathise, although he should be more full and frank with the OP

If any of that were the case, it is totally weird that the DP has never mentioned it to the OP. If that is the case, then his lack of an ability to communicate would be a good enough reason not to continue in a relationship with him.

Also OP, you clearly have a good/responsible job, how would you respond to someone pressuring/threatening you in the business world?

Take the emotional stuff out, the "love", all that irrational human stuff - what you are left with is a situation where two people and their legal representatives are trying to bully you into giving information that you don't have to give, and ultimately deplete your hard earned funds.

This deal is a dud, it can only end in tears for you, be strong, be rational, walk away from the situation.

What's in it for him:
Someone to do the heavy lifting on the bills (OP has already mentioned she seems to be picking up more of the slack as he doesn't have much disposable income).
Someone to help with his childcare costs (OP is already doing this through one of her work benefits).
Someone to help with childcare for his children.
A better standard of living than he currently enjoys (as he already doesn't have much disposable income, so without OP his circumstances would likely be more straightened).

What's in it for OP:
Being dragged into his divorce.
Subsidising the cost of his childcare and ex-wife.
Abuse and grief from his ex-wife.
Emotional blackmail from her partner because he seems to prefer to upset OP instead of his ex-wife.
Being used to help care for his children.

I am sure there are some positives to the relationship, but based on what's been said on this thread, it doesn't look like OP gets a whole lot of benefit from being with him right now.

Unfortunately, I think it's time to move on, OP.

You really don't want to provide the details and he has shown that he's determined to push for his ex-wife's wishes over yours, even though it's not your divorce and not your kids.

If you're not in a relationship, they can't force you to comply.

You are in a really good position financially. Look after yourself first. He is NOT going to!

Go get your own monkeys for your own circus and leave them to it!

I would send this message and then mute messages from him for the time being. When you get back from your trip and have things clearer in your mind, you can decide to unmute.

That's a really nasty thing to say. Why would you be so unkind to someone who is clearly upset and in a stressful situation?

Do you go around the relationships boards castigating other posters for being "blind" to the men who turned out to be unfaithful, or violent, or abusive?

Bad/toxic/abusive (delete as applicable)people tend not to be bad/toxic/abusive at the outset otherwise everyone who comes into contact with them would know to run a mile in the opposite direction right from the start. And if you rtft and a poster's detailed comment (you haven't, have you?) OP said she's already been having doubts about the relationship.

Who gives a flying fuck? This is not OP's problem. She's not involved in this divorce, she's done the sensible thing of removing herself from the entire situation. Her ex's financial situation is something he created all by himself and it's a mess he can sort out all by himself.

OP he's having a laugh "Willing to discuss"! The cheeky fucker. Like he's doing you a favour! He sees his cash cow moving on and is indulging in some damage limitation to try to reel you back.

All the posters saying go back when the divorce is sorted out. Why? He's tried to bully OP into doing something she didn't want to do, he's threatened her, lied to her, gaslight her, told her his money is more important than her money, been willing to give her hassle she doesn't deserve whilst not standing upto his wife, got her paying for his DC and looking after them, makes sure she knows about every nasty text his wife sends to him about her instead of quietly dealing with it, the DC even are open about how little anyone respects OP. And she's supposed to go back to this?! Hell no.

With every one of his actions he tells OP she's worth nothing to him except as a source of money (and sex, cook, cleaner and childcare too, I expect). He's somehow managed more than most of these wankers do - he's managed to find himself a nanny who is not only free but who pays for the "privilege" of looking after his DC! Buying them stuff etc. This is not OP's destined role in life. She deserves a DP without an abusive bone in his body, who respects and values her for herself and isn't just after her money. Someone who loves her. The way this man is behaving is not the way you treat someone you love. It's not the way you treat anyone at all, unless you're a bellend.

"Do you love him?" Is irrelevant. Junkies love heroin, doesn't mean they should stick with it. Do what's right for you OP. Live your life in a healthy way, doing what's good for you. Look at all the angst and stress this man has caused. Is he good for you? Quite apart from his recent behaviour, he could have protected you from all of this by not living with you until after he was divorced. Does this sound like someone who has your best interests at heart?

What a horrible thing to say. Especially as OP has admitted that yes she has reservations about the relationship.

I'm genuinely quite shocked at the passive aggressive vindictiveness of that post. I cannot get my head round people who think it's acceptable to behave that way.

I think this situation is just too much now. I would message him back advising him that you are moving out, so your financial information is no longer up for discussion or sharing in any way.

To be honest I wouldn’t want to continue in a relationship with him because it’s just going to be one drama after another. Much better to cut him loose and move on with your life free from all this shite.

You really need to end this relationship and then you’re out of it all.

There is not a single space on that form that relates to the co-habiting Partner.

im not harsh when i say this but do you really need the drama of a still married man 3 teens and his wife get rid of the circus and move on good luck with what you choose but id run a mile .

According to the websites of various solicitors it says that it should be declared and that it can be seen as non declaration.

Form E Box 4.6 asks for that information. It does say "if known" but it is on the form.