DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

@Needhelp1000 tell him that he needs to tell his solicitor that the relationship with you is currently in the process of breaking down, so you are not going to provide any financial information when it's not clear if you are going to actually stay together.

@vivainsomnia I think the above illustrates perfectly why the issue cannot be split into Relationships/Legal. OP is already unhappy with this man; the way he is now treating her is exacerbating that.

I think the easiest way to stop this pressure you are feeling is to remove yourself from his home asap.

Do not give any information to him because of pressure.

Oh yeah, poor DP, his female skivvy who contributes to his children’s care AND costs, is starting to ask questions 😱 How awful for the poor man, when will women learn just to be compliant and always put a man’s demands first? 🥺

I agree with @billy1966

The easiest way to avoid being dragged into HIS mess, is to remove yourself. Move out, tell him to contact you when his divorce is finalised.

OP I actually went to see a solictor (many moons ago now) when exH exP was asking for my salary wanting to 'take us to court'.

The solictor advised me she had 0 claim on my finance and 0 right to any information on them regardless of our co-habiting etc.

So either your 'D'P's solicitor is shit, or he's lying.

DP has sent me a message to state that his solicitor wants full details of my salary, any bonuses I get, any debts I have and what savings I have. Apparently the ex’s solicitor is really pushing this and has mentioned court order if I don’t disclose soon

OP, everything you're hearing is being filtered by your DP and you've no way of knowing what is going on or if he's telling you the truth or embroidering to frighten you into doing what he wants. Ask to see the correspondence.

Tell him it’s no longer relevant as you won’t be living with him anymore.

OP is already unhappy with this man
It looks like things were fine until reading this thread full of posts that have no clue on legal proceedings. The one person who does most was clear that this was not unusual.

If there were issues before, not sure why they would agree to move together.

This 😂

So either your 'D'P's solicitor is shit, or he's lying
Or posters and OP don't understand that it's not about her but about what it means for her DP, ie. What his income needs to go toward which will be different if OP brings no income Vs a good income.

To add, I was also co-habiting with (now) DH when I divorced. Again nothing related to his finances came into it. We didn't have children, but I don't see where a Partners finances would be included in a divorce, if they cannot be taken into account for chid maintenance.

He is talking bollocks.

All those wicked harpies on MN making women discontented with their lot and not listening obediently to their man, how dare they?

IIRC OP said upthread that she was already having feelings that things weren't right in this relationship.

Who wouldn’t be? Maybe a man who hasn’t been bothered enough to divorce in the last 4 years? But yeah, I’m sure a delay is now suddenly a huge problem for him 🙄

He can provide his outgoings currently without that information.

This has become a very long thread and as is typical, there is a plethora of advice, some good and some bad. Personally, I think the criticism of your DP here is exaggerated; the behaviour of his ex is grabby but legal but overall it's not a good situation to be in which is why people normally wait for divorce until they cohabit.

The legal position is not all that complicated until you get into the weeds of an individual case. When one of the spouses cohabits, it reduces their needs (e.g. there could be an assumption their partner covers half of the bills or there might be disclosure required). In my opinion, it's rather awkward because the penalisation for cohabiting at the point of divorce tends to be more severe than cohabiting later. He might lose more of the assets for example, or be ordered to pay maintenance that is harder to vary, even if she cohabits herself later on.

To add complication, the ex sounds plain weird and abusive. You have to make a decision about your DP but I would do it in the context that his ex probably abused him to some extent and she sounds like just the sort of person who will use dirty tricks to get more money out of him and to drive a wedge between you. You might want him to stand up for you but the outcome of that could be false allegations of abuse or an escalation of the litigation. He's probably handling it the way he is to avoid her blowing up (although he should talk to you more about it).

My advice would be to pull the rug out from under this horrible ex. Ask your brother to use his address as your fixed abode and say you are living there rather than cohabiting. Wait until the divorce is settled and for six months after and then - assuming you do want the relationship - move back in then.

Otherwise, you are going to have this horrible parasite ex constantly on manoeuvres trying to get money out of both of you because it's easier than getting a job or being a decent human being.

she sounds like just the sort of person who will use dirty tricks to get more money out of him and to drive a wedge between you

I did wonder if ex is using this to split them up. According to OP there was no talk of divorce until OP came on the scene.

Reply that you are away on business and cannot make an appointment with your solicitor until you return. And to please stop this harassment.
Do not under any circumstances disclose any finances without seeing a solicitor, and if he threatens court keep saying that’s not what my solicitor says you must have misheard….

Again, they are both trying to bully you.
Once you are back home, collect your things and move out.
If he really cared for you he wouldn’t be bullying you.

I know when you are completing the D81 form for a consent/financial order it asks if either party are cohabiting, intending on cohabiting or re marrying and if yes, the date this happened (started to live together etc). It doesn't ask anything else about new partner but a quick Google found this

I'd suggest a "there's no point discussing this further while I'm away" to deflect it for now, then when you're back from your trip just say "I'm not contributing either directly or indirectly to children that I did not birth myself. You can tell your solicitor you're not cohabiting with anyone. I'm moving to my brother's until my purchase goes through then I'll live there."

I know it's on the form and they have the right to ask, but while you've got other options I'd take them, especially as you were already questioning the relationship before this.

I think that from your DP's point of view, the worst that can happen is that he has to give more settlement to his ex because you are living with him and then you and he break up and he looses your financial support. Suggest to him that, given you are having a bit of relationship issues, it would be better for you to move out and for the divorce to be processed with him as a single income household. Then never move back in with him.

Then it might be worth you looking at OP's posts again.

From yesterday on this thread:

it’s all a bit of a mess to be honest and I really wish I never got involved.

Thanks all your help everyone, really helped with confirming the little doubts that I tried to bury to the back of my head.

feeling upset especially as I contribute to his children whilst they’re here, help look after them and even help pay for the youngest‘a childcare through a scheme at my work.

I’ve had to endure DP’s ex send shitty comments to him about me, including insulting me and my job - she thinks she’s in for a pretty penny because I’ve worked hard in my career and earn a comfortably salary. DP, who is never one for an argument, refuses to stand up to me and it’s evidently showing in this situation.

Massive thanks to everyone for confirming what I thought. DP has now gone off in a massive huff after I stood my ground.

To the people saying I don’t deserve this, I agree. I honestly feel so angry at myself for getting involved with him - I feel a bit silly to be honest.

I need to make a decision to be honest. It’s not been easy and the last few weeks have been difficult. My gut instinct is telling me to leave and to start afresh on my own.

I’ve been having doubts about him before I posted this and this ‘situation’ has helped me to listen to my gut feeling. Reading your replies has confirmed this.

taking this divorce out of the equation I’ve had small doubts about the relationship which have really come to the forefront lately. Todays situation was the final straw which made me really assess how I felt.

OP is the one posting for advice and help, so quite naturally the majority of posters are going to look at what is best for HER. I couldn't be less interested in what's best for her partner - that's his lookout. His ex has a solicitor advocating for her welfare, OP's partner has a solicitor looking out for him, OP is at the shitty end of the stick where nobody is fighting her corner.

OP - all this pressure and 'solicitor has demanded' and 'they'll get a court order' is designed to panic you into doing something that might not be in your best interests. It's the tactics of the scammer and the double glazing salesman.

I feel stressed just reading this thread. Why on earth OP wants to live with this guy?! Apart from this shit show with her money, he is not divorced, has 3 (!) kids OP is expected to mother, not wealthy, not intelligent, not anything! What are his redeeming qualities? I cant see any. He doesn't even seem to love or respect OP that much. I know its easy to say - but please, OP, dump this idiot!!!

@Needhelp1000 one really crucial thing to remember here, is that your partner's solicitor is advocating for him only. His solicitor won't consider you or what's best for you, because you aren't the client.

So when the solicitor says you need to disclose, they aren't looking at whether that's in YOUR best interests - they are only considering your partner as their client.

If you don't feel ready to make a decision about this relationship then I would strongly advise you get your own legal advice, and tell your P to back off and that your solicitor will communicate directly with his as needed.

This is so true, the way he’s dealing with it all just makes him seem really dodgy