Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

DP’s ex after my salary

1000 replies

Needhelp1000 · 31/05/2023 18:57

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
vivainsomnia · 01/06/2023 14:02

It's your DP I feel sorry for. You seem to have taken this as a personal issue when it is a transitional one. I understand his frustration.

I’m paying a good amount towards bills
And that's the whole point of it. The reason for asking for your income is to justify that you ARE contributing and therefore he doesn't have to support you meaning he has more disposable income. It might mean that he might have to give a bit more of a share than if he otherwise had to support you fully (if disabled for instance).

It is just a small formality to get the divorce outcome. Otherwise, it possibly creates more arguments, more involvement from the solicitors and therefore more costs for him.

He is doing nothing wrong by encouraging you to engage so that it can be over quicker and cheaper.

How about only sharing what you pay towards the bills rather than your income as a compromise?

billy1966 · 01/06/2023 14:18

OP, this is classic "boiling frog analogy" territory.

You being the frog and that waster and his ex slowly turning up the heat/taking more and more from you until you have given so much they BOTH believe they are entitled to your financials.

They are so used to you skivvying and paying for their children that it their norm.

Why you have so little self worth that this is all that you see you deserve is really sad.

He has said he's NOW prepared to discuss it?

What a complete cheeky fxxker he is.

He couldn't care less about you personally, BUT you have your uses for money and childcare, thats for sure.

He won't want to lose that.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 01/06/2023 14:20

vivainsomnia · 01/06/2023 14:02

It's your DP I feel sorry for. You seem to have taken this as a personal issue when it is a transitional one. I understand his frustration.

I’m paying a good amount towards bills
And that's the whole point of it. The reason for asking for your income is to justify that you ARE contributing and therefore he doesn't have to support you meaning he has more disposable income. It might mean that he might have to give a bit more of a share than if he otherwise had to support you fully (if disabled for instance).

It is just a small formality to get the divorce outcome. Otherwise, it possibly creates more arguments, more involvement from the solicitors and therefore more costs for him.

He is doing nothing wrong by encouraging you to engage so that it can be over quicker and cheaper.

How about only sharing what you pay towards the bills rather than your income as a compromise?

Really? The 'D'P that has been happy for her to give, give, give to him and his children whilst giving very little back in return?

The 'D'P that told OP - when she pointed out how uncomfortable she was providing this information - that if she didn't, he would expect her to pay his legal bills?

The 'D'P who wasn't interested when OP advised that she was going to take some space when she was feeling overwhelmed by everything?

I know who I feel sorry for. It's not him.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/06/2023 14:28

vivainsomnia · 01/06/2023 14:02

It's your DP I feel sorry for. You seem to have taken this as a personal issue when it is a transitional one. I understand his frustration.

I’m paying a good amount towards bills
And that's the whole point of it. The reason for asking for your income is to justify that you ARE contributing and therefore he doesn't have to support you meaning he has more disposable income. It might mean that he might have to give a bit more of a share than if he otherwise had to support you fully (if disabled for instance).

It is just a small formality to get the divorce outcome. Otherwise, it possibly creates more arguments, more involvement from the solicitors and therefore more costs for him.

He is doing nothing wrong by encouraging you to engage so that it can be over quicker and cheaper.

How about only sharing what you pay towards the bills rather than your income as a compromise?

Don't forget she provides financially and practically for the kids too. I know you won't want to acknowledge that bit so here's a reminder.

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 14:30

DP has sent me a message to state that his solicitor wants full details of my salary, any bonuses I get, any debts I have and what savings I have. Apparently the ex’s solicitor is really pushing this and has mentioned court order if I don’t disclose soon.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 14:31

He’s not doing great at giving you space, is he?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 01/06/2023 14:32

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 14:31

He’s not doing great at giving you space, is he?

Yup (and still not convinced his solicitor is asking all this).

I think you have an early answer as to what to do at the end of this mini break, if not sooner.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/06/2023 14:33

Come on OP, he has changed his tune entirely. Tell him your financial affairs don't matter because as from now you are not together anymore and you will be moving out when you return. Don't be a fool.

2022NewTimes · 01/06/2023 14:33

@Needhelp1000 I would tell him you are done - your wages and monies saved are for you - not for him to give to his ex wife and children

He is Unbelievable !!!

Original poster
Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 14:34

I’m feeling incredibly pushed into giving this information and I feel really uncomfortable.

Apologies have not read previous messages! Will read now

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 14:34

“Please inform your solicitor that I am currently travelling with work and will be seeking separate legal advice on this point when I return and I do not consent to any information sharing until I have received such advice”

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 14:35

The above message gives you breathing room (and I doubt she’d get any truck with court if you asked for time for legal advice and she went ahead before you’d had it)

knockyknees · 01/06/2023 14:35

This is insane.

I'd break up with him right this second.

2022NewTimes · 01/06/2023 14:35

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 14:34

I’m feeling incredibly pushed into giving this information and I feel really uncomfortable.

Apologies have not read previous messages! Will read now

Do not give him any information - your gut is telling you not to do it !!! Listen to your gut and tell him enough is enough - he has pushed it too far !!!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/06/2023 14:36

You have autonomy here. You are not owned by your DP and his wife.

RoysSisterShireeSauce · 01/06/2023 14:36

Is he really worth all this hassle and stress you are being put through?

SheilaFentiman · 01/06/2023 14:38

please don’t push OP to tell him they are done etc - that’s just another kind of pressure. She needs a minute.

frazzledasarock · 01/06/2023 14:40

tell him you’re seeking legal advice.

ask your brother to clear the day you return back from work to help pack your stuff and leave your P.
hire a van and pick your stuff up from your ex’s when you return.

your financials won’t be needed as you are not financing your partner and his ex’s lifestyle any longer.

jenny38 · 01/06/2023 14:40

My husbands ex tried to have my wages included in child maintenance calculations, many years ago. It is a very scary place to be, to think you have worked hard to get where you are, and may now have to give up some financial security.
I would get some legal advice pronto. Do not give in. Personally I would rather leave, but only you know whats best for you

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 01/06/2023 14:40

In your shoes op I'd speak to a solicitor yourself, not one that's related to the exw or your dp. Make a decision based on what they say.

I'd not take anything as gospel from your dp about who wants what, as you know where his loyalties lie.

SooninBrisbane · 01/06/2023 14:41

frazzledasarock · 01/06/2023 14:40

tell him you’re seeking legal advice.

ask your brother to clear the day you return back from work to help pack your stuff and leave your P.
hire a van and pick your stuff up from your ex’s when you return.

your financials won’t be needed as you are not financing your partner and his ex’s lifestyle any longer.

This. And make sure any paperwork relating to your financials is well out of his reach!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/06/2023 14:42

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 14:34

I’m feeling incredibly pushed into giving this information and I feel really uncomfortable.

Apologies have not read previous messages! Will read now

Ask to see the solicitor's letter that demands all that.

BetterFuture1985 · 01/06/2023 14:42

Needhelp1000 · 01/06/2023 14:30

DP has sent me a message to state that his solicitor wants full details of my salary, any bonuses I get, any debts I have and what savings I have. Apparently the ex’s solicitor is really pushing this and has mentioned court order if I don’t disclose soon.

Sounds like the ex has hired a rottweiler.

Suggest you let them get a court order. And then when (more like if) they do, move out and say you're no longer cohabiting.

vivainsomnia · 01/06/2023 14:45

Really? The 'D'P that has been happy for her to give, give, give to him and his children whilst giving very little back in return?
That's a totally different issue that belongs in Relationship, not legal.

Of course he is frustrated as this might result in more costs for him and more delay. Who wouldn't be!

Saying that, what he should do is try to compromise with the solicitors and say he will share OP's contribution to bills, which he knows already, rather than OP's income. That might be all the solicitors or a judge might require.

gamerchick · 01/06/2023 14:46

Christ, Ignore all messages for the minute. Mute him completely. When you go back, go around for your stuff and dump the twat.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread