DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

@Needhelp1000

She has actually asked if she could move into the house me and DP are in because she’s not a fan of paying a mortgage (her words, however DP and I think she was drunk when she sent it..!)

In vino veritas! 🌹

I would definitely recommend just moving in to the house that you're buying.

Whether you then want to continue the relationship is an entirely separate matter. It feels like it's too soon to be moving in together while he's not divorced yet anyway, let alone the complications of finance.

This solicitors' website has a helpful post on the topic.

Ultimately, to truly protect yourself and your finances from being dragged in to it, you need to not be living with him and have no intention to live with him.

The phrase on that website about "Full and Frank Disclosure" mentions that Form E asks for "brief financial details of any new partner" and that the details should be "so far as they are known".

I highly suspect, due to his sudden about turn in attitude, that he might have put your financial information in, based on what he thinks you're earning, without informing you OP.

I think his ex sees him as still belonging to her and by extension anything that he is involved in or with is also belonging to her

I bet he has done that.

It's not unreasonable for him to have done that. In fact he's required to do that.

Of course he's changed his tune with the solicitor! His meal-ticket-cum-wife-appliance-cum-sex-toy (how he treats you and at some level thinks of you, based on what you've said about him) has just taken the first step to withdraw money, sex, and housekeeping services from him by asking for thinking space, so he's going to play ball for long enough to reel you back in.

Don't fall for it. LTB. The heartbreak is temporary.

I have early this morning received a message from DP saying he is now willing to discuss

A little late, given his immediate attitude was almost a shrug and "okay sorry"
As PPs have said, he's almost certainly realised the good deal he stands to lose, but don't be taken in by any apparent change of heart - remember how the goalposts were suddenly moved last time

The man's a chancer, as is his supposed "ex", and I still wonder if they're working together on this given the ridiculous suggestion about moving into your place

Onwards and upwards OP; you're doing absolutely the right thing taking time to think, but while there'll understandably be sadness for a while there are much better times ahead

What’s unreasonable is that he’s been a total dick to the OP and threatened her financially for not handing over her financial details.

What’s unreasonable is that he’s tried to make her believe that she is the one holding up the divorce that he didn’t initiate anyway.

What’s unreasonable is that he’s ignoring both things and, when the OP has left rather than stay to be threaten poorly, is acting like none of the above happened.

All on that significantly colours the ‘oh he has to put this on the form’ argument.

Op

why accept her control over your lives? Do you know these kids will be relying on you both financially for years to come? Can you handle that?

he is a pushover and she knows it

he is acting exactly like he did when they were married (a doormat) she probably didn’t find that attractive yet he is still keen to please her for some reason?

Lots of us (who've been there or seen it at close quarters) are breathing a collective sigh of relief that your eyes are now open OP. Step parenting/being the 'new' partner where there's kids and an ex involved is never easy but it becomes impossible when your partner doesn't 100% have your back, and yours doesn't. So if you decide to walk (and you probably should) please know that it's not because you failed in any way, it's because he made it impossible for you to stay. You deserve someone who has your best interests at heart and he's proved that he doesn't

Thank you to everyone, I’ve read through your comments and can’t answer every single one right now but thank you.

DP hasn’t been in touch, we’ve agreed to give each other some space but he has made noises this morning that the ex has now started texting him about me handing over my financials too.

I have been looking into moving out until my sale has gone through as I am feeling really overwhelmed by taking all this on. I’m mentally tired now and it’s difficult juggling my own life and then his and looking after the kids and just feeling exhausted with no thanks or appreciation.

I understand my financials may be needed, but I am feeling uncomfortable with his ex pushing for this - we don’t really speak nowadays but she has been rather insulting about me when all I’ve done is try to keep her children’s lives as stable as possible, and yes that means both emotionally and financially.

thank you to everyone I really do appreciate your messages

A few days away will hopefully help you decide what YOU want.
Take care of yourself 💐

I've had the money grabbing ex, it's rage inducing. I had a bigish pay out after I was involved in a near fatal car crash and all through my now husbands divorce she was trying to get her hands on it. Even now whenever my step kids want anything she tells them to ask me because she thinks I'm 'rich' even though I'm disabled and the money is for my future as I can't work. Luckily it's calmed down a bit now but was hell for a while. Don't give any information and I would be concerned if your partner isn't on your side because you will need him to be, it might get nasty. Ask yourself if it's worth it.

Good luck OP

I think moving out until
your house purchase goes through is a good idea. Even if you and DP keep dating. ceasing co habitation whilst this is sorted keeps you out of it and gives you a chance to move into your new place and figure out your new outgoings and what not.

The simple fact imo is he is choosing to worry about exes feelings rather than yours. Surely that means you don't want to continue to be second best op? Financial aside...

Yes if you are still with him your financial information may be requested. But at least move out to gather your thoughts. His nipping away at you will grind you down and he will know that. Have a relationship break from him and think seriously if this man is worth the shit storm he's brought into your life. And do not feel guilty if you decide to boot him out of your life. Yes your financial details may be required. But remember that all it will mean is he may be given less in the settlement with his ex. And if he's realised that and also that his meal ticket is on the verge of expiring he will be panicking. Lower settlement for him and potentially no you will make him much poorer (which would serve the fuckwitted arsewipe right). Hence his grudging and insincere capitulation by suggesting the pair of you can 'discuss' the situation after his arrogant demands you pay for his legal bills.

He has taken for granted (your money) for so long he is oblivious to how greedy and out of order is ex is for trying to grab even more.. He sounds supportive of you shelling out even more to raise their fucking dc!

The part where he threatens you that he won't get divorced unless you hand over the financial information is very weird, taking every opportunity to make everything your fault.
Definitely move out and don't have your finances tangled with this man, he's too deeply entangled with his ex and she just wants a pipeline into your bank account.

She's just being nosey And looking to see if you have joint savings

So basically your DP respected your wishes and didn’t speak to you… except to ask for your financials yet again (because ex-wife insists). Not to say sorry, not to show love, not even to show he’s changed. Does he love you at all? I would feel so bad about that. I don’t think he’s a keeper, sadly.

I disagree. I divorce could easily be resolved without recourse to this information and the ex-wife has actually had the nerve to declare her expectations that her household should have the same income as the OPs, even though she only works 12 hours a week. She's seen the two of them cohabiting and decided to seize the opportunity, probably for both petty revenge and to drive a wedge.

They've been separated for four years so a settlement could quite easily be sorted out with one solicitor in mediation.

I will go with the info from @Collaborate and @prh47bridge that this is a fairly standard question.

The DW can do whatever, it is how the DP is handling it that is the primary issue for OP.

It's a standard question if you go a certain way about divorce. Which is the "solicitors and out to get everything you can get" method. This ex is clearly deranged sending abusive texts about the OP, suggesting she could live with them and saying her income should be the same even though she only works 12 hours a week.

I kind of sympathise with those who say walk away, because these exes are just plain nasty to deal with. It really does depend on how much you love your partner really and whether your partner backs you 100%.

Unfortunately some weaker financial parties are far more interested in dedicating their time to sponging off an ex rather than working for a living and that seems to be the case here. Often there's a bit of jealousy thrown in for good measure, plus a desire for control where children are involved. I kind of sympathise with the DP (to an extent) because he will have all kinds of possible pressures being applied on him by a nasty and volatile ex like this including:

1. Possible withdrawal of contact with children and parental alienation;
2. Escalation of divorce to litigation and legal fees that dwarf the cost of the likely settlement by negotiation;
3. Possible accusations of "emotional abuse" because of the gender imbalance. I.e. this ex wife can send texts saying she wants to live in his house and get away with it whereas if he tells her to eff off more than once he'll fall foul of coercive control laws, so you have to grit your teeth and be polite when dealing with an ex like this.

So unfortunately the DP is walking a tightrope here and I do sympathise, although he should be more full and frank with the OP.