DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

Do not believe this condescending and manipulative bullshit from him. His earlier responses to you for daring to refuse him his demands show what he truly thinks. Now after a night apart he can see his meal ticket might realise she doesn't need this shit and walk out of his life. He's now prepared to discuss it! How magnanimous of this male specimen. He's only prepared to get you to do what he wants (and that includes paying for and looking after his children). There was no apology just a sanctimonious message. You can do better than this parasite. He'll suck at all your resources to make his life easier and better. Screw that.

OP you sound wonderful. A caring, hardworking and independent woman. His attitude to you stinks. You are an attractive target for those men who are desperate to find a nurse with a purse. And they can get sex into the bargain.

Kick his arse out of your life. And kick it so hard he and his sponging ex go into orbit.

She has actually asked if she could move into the house me and DP are in because she’s not a fan of paying a mortgage (her words, however DP and I think she was drunk when she sent it..!)

😱😱😱

If I were you, I'd be taking my salary, my makeup bag and any good biscuits in the cupboard and getting the out. Or kicking him out.

His behaviour is the problem. If he was standing up for you and taking your side, his ex's behaviour would be annoying but something you could push aside.

But he is trying to help her help herself to your hard-earned money.

They are both chancers and freeloaders. This divorce could go on for months and months or even years. I would get rid.

getting the fck out

And no she can't move in with you! She is a horrible scummy scrounger.

@Needhelp1000
Only question here, what advice would you give to a friend if she came to you being in this situation, then you have answered your own question of what you need to do, if my partners ex never married said she wanted that info, I would tell her to get of her hole get a job and provide for her own kids, hope you do whats right for you xx

I personally think she may have been drunk when she sent it (time of the text and how it was constructed) however it did raise an eyebrow. I wish I had listened back then!

Yes I do think his behaviour is what is upsetting me the most. His attitude.

I’ve got a few days away to think about this now - we have agreed to give each other some space & I’m away with work so I’m going to be doing some thinking about it all - however I am seriously considering ending it all

It’s also a weird thing to say as DP has a mortgage on his place anyway!

I presume she therefore knows you are buying a place? If you do stay together then I think she needs as little info as possible about you going forward!

Get out now. The ex will be a financial and emotional drain on you for years to come.

Your DP seems unable to stand up to her and that will never change.

Life is too short for this kind of hassle.

If it isn’t this thing with solicitors and your finances it will be something else and you will be stuck in an endless cycle of giving your time, effort and money and not getting much back.
I know it’s just a work trip rather than a mini break but think it will do you a world of work to be physically out of the environment that you are in.l and perhaps you may even get a chance to mentally switch off too and just focus on yourself and your needs and wants.
Good luck with your decision and prepare yourself for the rhetoric of it was all a misunderstanding, he was under pressure from his ex etc etc etc if your decision ends up been one where you break away from him.

He and his ex know you can afford another property. That's why this has suddenly arisen.
I don't have the legal knowledge to know whether or not you could be compelled to contribute to his ex's expenses, but being told by him, if you don't she will fight you in court, sounds threaty.
I do know that it takes quite a lot of effort and cost to actually get to court and often these are threats to compel. The ex sees that suddenly a source of extra funds has come into the picture.
You only have his word for what his solicitor is advising you to do.
a consultation with your own solicitor will be minimal cost in comparison to what you could end up paying. As to him demanding that you pay his legal bills... words fail me.
Looking at this from a distance and in a non legal way it seems to boil down to with a legal agreement or not you are already subsidising him and his ex. Any time there is an extra cost, you are the one that pays.
You are already in the process of buying somewhere independently, you have a good job and clearly value your independence. I think you would find it very hard to be caught up in a situation where you are subsidising everyone else. Organising their needs and wants ( like arranging childcare through your work scheme - any gratitude for that? ).
At the same time, you don't appear to be getting emotional support or gratitude from anyone, except the kids, who you speak about fondly.
Both he and his ex knows if she makes protestations that she isn't bothered about them and is not looking after their needs - that you will feel guilt tripped into stepping in to fix things.
You've already said he doesn't have your back. He wanted to push you into doing what was easiest for him - disclosing your financials and getting involved in official proceedings to have your income considered in his ex's funding. Why would he do that? it seems that there can be no advantage to you whatsoever in that situation.
Who would help you if you ran into difficulties a year down the line and couldn't make the mortgage on your new house? What happens when the ex makes her next demand and he still can't/won't stand up to her stands behind in dealing with her again? He's not standing up to her to protect himself and he doesn't seem bothered that its at your expense. Is that a one off? Or do you think this will happen again the next time putting the problem on you seems like an easier route?
You've given examples where neither of them will pay for things the kids need so you step in. That's not just the ex - its him as well! Will that change in the future?
I think the situation is unsustainable. Protect your interests as no one else is looking out for you.

I don't know the source of this quote and IANAL but it certainly makes sense of the conflicting opinions in this thread. Essentially what is says is that the court needs to know how the new partner contributes to living costs of the divorcing party, so that the financials can be settled according to need. The court does not require disclosure of income and assets that are not owned jointly and are not relevant to living expenses.
So yes some level of disclosure may be required but not the full income and assets requested is I how interpret it.

However.... in the end this has become less about disclosure and more about how the OP's partner is handling this and what it has revealed about their relationship and her partner's character.

I’d definitely trust prh47bridge advice. He’s been around for years and has helped loads of mumsnetters.

My two penny worth which may or may not be right but seems to make sense to me.

If the court assumes his housing costs are split right down the middle with you, because of no disclosure from yourself, then on paper he’ll be seemed better off than he is in reality, because he isn’t paying 50% of both your housing costs is he? He’s paying much more than that with 100% of the mortgage and 50 % of the bills (not taking into account your voluntary extra subsidising if the kids). If by giving your financial disclosure it shows that he’s paying a greater percentage of housing costs than you - which is true, then you’ll be helping to show the true picture. Your money is going into your own mortgage, not his. It seems to me you”ll help your partner by disclosing, to no disadvantage to you.

Chesney, you said what I was trying to say in a lot less words!

One thing tho, I don't think that he's completely unable to standup to ex, he probably could if he wanted to, but he sees OP getting involved as the easiest route for him. He's not even trying or making those protestations, he's ready to hand it all over and seems annoyed she doesn't want to do this to support HIM without question.

So one has to question who is he putting first, himself and his own comfort, or OP. It sounds like he has no consideration for how she might feel about it or what legally binding expense she may be tied up in.

Agree. It seems bonkers to say that you would have to, but prh47bridge is qualified and knows the law so I'd take his guidance over someone who is NAL.

However, hopefully this is redundant now because you are re-thinking the relationship full stop.

I didn't display of my financial information when my partner, now husband was divorcing, even though she wanted me too, I just said no.

They are divorced and we got married, sorted.

OP

Consider some counselling to figure out why your relationship bar is so low.

He's a bully who is using you.
He wants to know what you own, your salary, to use you.
His ex is the same.

Why are you so desperate to be involved with a bully and his ex and three children?

You are being used for income and childcare?

What is going on in your head that this is what you want for your life?

It really is astonishing that you would accept this.

Get out now and protect yourself from them all.

They think you are a complete mug, with money.

The nasty entitled bullying of thinking he can tell YOU that you will be paying for his legal bills.

Have you know idea really at his complete lack of respect or regard for you?

Truly unbelievable.

Get away from them while you can.

Being used as a dumb aupair/skivvy/ATM by a partner and his ex is the most thankless of lives.

Get away while you have a chance and get counselling to help you with boundaries and self respect.

They saw you coming, that's for sure.

I also endorse @prh47bridge ’s advice, she is a lawyer, she is right, you can and will be asked by court to provide evidence of partner’s assets that may help to assess this guy’s actual accommodation needs. Whether that is fair or not in this case is irrelevant, it is about applying the rules and one of them is that you need to make a frank and full disclosure of your financial situation.

But, if the OP wishes for a peaceful future, the advice to follow is the one of @Chesneyhawkes1 :

Get out now. The ex will be a financial and emotional drain on you for years to come.

It is going to end in tears anyway, better to make a runner now, the more you stay in this relationship the harder and more expensive it will get to disentangle yourselves from this guy AND his wife.

• yourself

It's up to you whether you remain in the relationship or not, but the simple fact is that as you are living with him and he is negotiating with his wife a financial settlement he must disclose to her what he understands your income to be.

You do not have to tell him for now, but if it gets to court in theory a judge might order you to produce payslips if it is seen to be relevant.

Often what happens in these cases is that the actual income of the new partner is irrelevant because there is an agreement with the divorcing spouse that each will pay half of the household costs.

You are paying nothing for being provided with a home, but mention you are paying for his children. You may need to have a rethink about that. How much are you paying for his children, and how does that compare to either what you would have to pay as a lodger or what you would have to pay if you paid half the interest on his mortgage? If they are broadly similar then perhaps you should just be paying him something for rent and stopping the contributions towards his children. He can pay that himself.

There is something else at play here too. In theory a court can find that you could afford to meet all the household running costs, thereby enabling him to pay more spouse maintenance, or freeing up mortgage capacity enabling him to release more capital to her.

In practice spouse maintenance is a very rare thing these days. Don't end your relationship just because of this. There may be other reasons to end it but that isn't a matter for anyone here.

None of this is about child maintenance. As care is shared equally he shouldn't be paying her child maintenance.

This.

Especially the biscuits.

Seriously though - you have said that you had been having reservations even before this fiasco kicked off - trust your gut. Take a break from him at least for a few months to get yourself in the right place emotionally and mentally.

Don't be drawn into his family dramas.

Slight correction to Chesney’s advice:

It reads:
Get out now. The ex will be a financial and emotional drain on you for years to come.

It should read:
Get out now. The ex This man will be a financial and emotional drain on you for years to come.

Simply put, the ex cannot give you any trouble UNLESS your partner enables her, and he is not going to spring out of doing whatever she wants after YEARS of conditioning being at her beck and call. If he didn’t have children, there will be hope but with children, it is very likely that every time you disagree with whatever unreasonable demand the ex makes that he will see it as a personal attack on the stability of their children.

sorry @Needanewnamebeingwatched , quoted you by accident, please ignore 🙂

For goodness’ sake read what @Collaborate has written and be very, very cautious about continuing this relationship.