DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

It appeared in Active Conversations, which will always bring in a different crowd.

OP I think it's very telling that he's now changed his tune. Look at his behaviour.

His ex kicks off - he tells you that you need to comply in order to keep everyone happy.

You refuse - he gets shitty and tells you he wants you to pay his legal bills.

You stay elsewhere and tell him you're unhappy - his response is little more than a shrug.

Only now, when it's become apparent to him that trying to bully you into going along with things, has he changed tack. A cynic would say it's because he now stands to lose his live-in bill-payer and baby-sitter.

Where are YOU in all of this? What about your wants and needs, your happiness? When you told him you weren't happy, why was his first response to threaten you with paying his legal bills, instead of sympathising and trying to help? This is a cautionary warning about how he will behave in the future if things get difficult or don't go his way.

Go with your gut and ditch him - there are nicer and much less complicated men out there.

I like Legal - the threads are interesting and every so often you get something genuinely bonkers. Like the law student who was going to extend her house into the shared passageway and couldn't understand why her NDN (also a solicitor) wasn't happy about it.

“Where are YOU in all of this? What about your wants and needs, your happiness? When you told him you weren't happy, why was his first response to threaten you with paying his legal bills, instead of sympathising and trying to help?”

Completely agree with this. If he was on your side, he would be saying, “I know it’s an imposition, my solicitor is saying this standard, do you want to talk to them directly to check the minimum info needed and to try and get you comfortable?” Not this entitled behaviour!

Quite. Like T he ones calling the OP a ‘cocklodger’ for paying a substantial amount of the bills, living costs and towards this man’s children, but not towards a mortgage in which she has no investment. 🙄

Read the some threads on step parenting. Will open your eyes. You owe his children nothing. You shouldn't pay towards a mortgage where there's no divorce. A certain type of person will encourage you to stay in a relationship like this. His children are his and his ex wives financial responsibility not yours. Like I said, look on the step parenting board. It's a thankless role.

Thank you for putting into words what my gut instinct is telling me.

Unfortunately I think my needs and wants have been put to side and have been for a while now.

Thank you, have actually checked the board out - I’ve started to see how thankless it really is.

I'm really sorry for you OP. You are a kind and decent person and have been taken in by your partner.

I think for you own sanity and financial security, you need to end this relationship.

Unfortunately your DP's ex decided to do something to drive a wedge in your relationship and succeeded. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I would generally ignore a lot of the comments on this thread because a lot of the women on divorce threads on MumsNet are exactly like your DP's ex; lazy, entitled and bitter.

Unfortunately though the law does have an inbuilt unfairness in that cohabitation before a divorce settlement tends to get given more weight than cohabitation afterwards. My advice generally would be to rent a studio apartment and stop cohabiting until the divorce is over.

I won't comment further on your relationship because at this stage even you probably don't know if your feelings are based on your DP's behaviour or his existence manipulation.

@BetterFuture1985 I’m happily married and work full time, as does DH, and I don’t think it’s exW who has driven the wedge in this instance. Sounds like her solicitor asked for the info he/she typically does, and it’s the DP’s reaction to it that has upset OP.

Agree that the “let him pay for it” run up to this won’t have helped, though.

As is the case with any poster. Any reasons you are singling out this one in particular for disbelief?

It's easy to ignore the warning flutters in our gut, when we're in the heady throes of a relationship which otherwise seems great.

But if it's any comfort OP, I think you sound very sensible and clear-headed. The whole point of living together is to have a bit of a test run. This one didn't work out, it's been a useful experience for you to understand what you do and don't want in a partnership.

The best advice I can give you now is to cut him off. Don't engage with him, block his number, don't get drawn in. I wouldn't be surprised if he now tried to lovebomb you to get you back, because you have nothing to lose by dumping him whereas he will lose quite a lot. Don't fall for it.

Get a friend or relative to go with you to collect your things (don't go alone, because then he can't try and sweet talk you, or turn on the tears - do not underestimate what a desperate and manipulative person will do when their back's against the wall). Then delete, block and move on with your life.

Oh he's "willing to discuss" is he...... Nah! He doesn't get to dictate like your a naughty child.

Go with your plan of getting a property of your own. If he decides to get a backbone and starts standing up for you, and the relationship goes forward, you will always have a back up.

Him and the kids were lucky to have you, he will regret forcing your hand and the kids will lose out as a result. But this is not on you.....

not taking the piss

Its not a case of being able to access your money or savings, its a case of your dp has rehoused himself and thus his housing needs are being met but he two of you together. To know how those housing needs are being met the system needs to know how much income and money you both have.

It will not affect you but it will affect your dp in his divorce

I would just say there's nothing to discuss. You won't be sharing your private salary information and that's final.

It might also be worth making it clear to him that you could end the relationship at any time and he would have no entitlement to your salary or any if your assets, so it's not actually wise from his point of view for his divorce settlement to take these things into account.

He should actually be downplaying the seriousness of your relationship to his ex and to the court in order to ensure that your money ISN'T taken into account when assessing how big a share of the marital assets he should get.

But if you're having doubts about the relationship anyway I'd just end it. At least that will simplify his divorce proceedings.

He tried to tell you you should pay his legal fees… hahaha yeah I bet.

he’s a gold digger. Run run as fast as your little legs will carry you before he bleeds you dry.

he and his wife can take care of their own kids and pay their own bills. Not your circus!

@Needhelp1000 i asked before but it is a long thread - what was your plan for the place you were buying? If you were moving out and into that, then you wouldn’t be contributing to bills etc going forward anyway.

He is bricking it now... For himself. Not for your relationship or your feelings. Lucky escape op. Very lucky..

Any man who would rather piss you off than his ex really isn't worthy of your time and effort. He's clearly indicating your role in the pecking order, and that will be forever. Kids need just as much time and energy even when they're adults, the issues just change. Weddings, cars, houses... that's when they're really expensive.

What @Bluebells1970 said.

He gives his ex precedence over you - and that won't change.

So I wanted to have property with my name in case the relationship went sour. I also felt quite vulnerable living with him whilst not being on the deeds or mortgage of his property and with no back up if things went wrong.

Did he have plans for your property? Maybe his ex could have moved in? Rent free of course.. You wouldn't have minded paying the bills - after all you were the ATM...

He's panicking this morning because you stood up for yourself. I would end the relationship; he's shown his hand, and it's all about himself, his bills, his wants and needs, and appeasing the ex. His now 'willingness' to talk about it is laughable; he's only 'willing' because you walked over his outrageous demand to pay his solicitor fees.

I agree with the following advice from above:

The best advice I can give you now is to cut him off. Don't engage with him, block his number, don't get drawn in. I wouldn't be surprised if he now tried to lovebomb you to get you back, because you have nothing to lose by dumping him whereas he will lose quite a lot. Don't fall for it.

Get a friend or relative to go with you to collect your things (don't go alone, because then he can't try and sweet talk you, or turn on the tears - do not underestimate what a desperate and manipulative person will do when their back's against the wall). Then delete, block and move on with your life.

Oh, I absolutely agree that this was a good idea for you! Were you going to rent out the place that you bought?