DP’s ex after my salary

[Needhelp1000]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure what to do.

DP has been split with his ex for over four years now, but not divorced. Not sure exactly why they’ve waited so long to start proceedings.

Me and DP moved in together a few months ago. Ex started up the divorce proceedings immediately after finding out.

They have three kids and each look after them 50%. All three are in teenage years.

The ex is working 12 hours a week and is refusing to work full time. She has now gone to her solicitor and DP has received (through his own solicitor) an email demanding my full salary and financial savings. She has told my DP that she wants me to contribute to her as both mine and DP’s salary combined is way more than hers and she feels it isn’t fair.

DP was ready to go ahead and give her the details!!! I’ve denied and now he’s upset at me, saying he can’t divorce her now and he will just delay proceedings.

has anyone been in this position? I feel she’s just taking the complete piss.

Reminds me of the show hustle on bbc

I'm not talking about a maintenance agreement. I am talking about the financial settlement in divorce, which hardly ever includes any spousal maintenance.

This is the downside to being a proper grown up and having amassed some cash, there is always someone who doesn't have any looking for a free lunch.

There will be a nice chap out there who doesn't have these issues - move on whilst you can without any issues.

Best if he moves out

Please was the thread.

Also he says he’s given her 80% equity and has the kids 50/50 so what exactly are they trying to sort out financially?

If as you say he spends in the kids so mum doesn’t - and you sub that - then where’s the money going? It’s defiantly coming from your pocket.

I happened to stop when scrolling on a reel the other day which was a solicitor answering questions, it was something along the lines of if you earned enough to contribute towards keeping his home he may need less cash now so he may be able to give her more. But not you giving directly. So I think that your income is relevant to this as unfair as that may sound. I'd take advice of people that know more than anonymous people on mumsnet.

I cannot believe solicitors would ask for an your income if you are not married. What if you kept changing boyfriends/girlfriends? Things would get very complicated! Most unmarried couples keep their money separate but some do have a kitty.

This. It is quite silly of him to move with you before the separation of assets is finalised, he will get less as you will be sharing his accommodation costs or providing it for free.

Whatever you do, don’t buy property together until he is divorced.

Personally… I would run a mile from this “prince”, looking at the way he was prepared to share your details with her to protect his kids and how annoyed he is with you for refusing, I would say she is still calling the shots, their relationship is not yet over, she is still the most important woman in his life, which is fine but not the man you want to be merging finances with as yet.

In the nicest way, don’t feel heartbroken.

It’s never nice when a relationship falters but it sounds a bit like you had your doubts and this has sealed it for you. It will feel sad but you sound to me like someone who really knows how to care for herself so I think you will be ok - a better partner wouldn’t ask this of you.

Yes this happened to me in Australia. My then Partner's ex GF solicitors subpeoned my employer for my salary details, payroll contacted me asking if I knew anything about it, and I did not. I explained the who's and what's to them so what they did was submit the information at the very last minute and without disclosing what each amounts meant ie a blank pay slip.

She also engaged via her Sols a private investigator who followed me home on one occasion that I know of. I ended up in a supermarket car park and parked opps him on the road, made it very obvious I could see him, so he drove off.

anyhow the short and curlies of it was the information gathered on my assets was thrown out of the family court and I applied for costs, which I was granted (I was also subpeoned to attend court).

In your case I would seek separate advise from your Partner's legal team. Even if it is just an initial consultation to confirm how these things proceed including if you were to separate due to this added stress. You need to know where you stand.

(ex GF went on to file an official complaint about her legal representation and I believe settlement was a reduced invoice payment. She was left with little because of her carry on.)

Same thing - the court can draw adverse inferences and may decide OP's contribution is much greater than it actually is with the result that maintenance is increased.

I think that it may be a good idea to take some time apart until the divorce has come through. The way things are looking at the moment is that due to your income he will get less of the assets and therefore… you will be the one supporting him for the shortfall.

Let them sort their mess before considering moving back.

The court CAN ask you for your income. Not so that you can pay for maintenance or spousal payments but because the court will want to measure how much of the marital assets each will need. Courts split assets according to needs. So if he is in a dual income home with less outgoings his NEEDS will be less than hers if she is in a one income household with higher outgoings.

Get some proper legal advice.

Solicitors will ask whatever the client instructing them want them to ask.

for example when I was divorcing ex his solicitor letter demanded I disclose my parents assets and my brothers assets and the value of both my parents and my brothers houses as he believed I had paid for their houses. I simply told him to go ahead and ask them directly as their assets were none of my business and I had nothing to do with either my parents or brothers house purchases. My parents bought their house when I was a baby.

the matter was swiftly dropped altho he did get his (deeply embarrassed) barrister to question me about my parents and brothers home. The judge didn’t think it had anything to do with proceedings when I said I didn’t know.

I think you need to take advice from an independent solicitor. He doesn’t sound great tbh, sometimes people blame the ex for various things as a cover up. Does he provide equal care during the working week to his disabled child? Equal support at appointments, school etc? The simplest thing would really be to move out whilst he sorts his mess out

The thing is, he is married to someone else but you have moved in with him.
Surely if he was that serious about you he would have started divorce proceedings already.
I think you should move out and not consider him as partner material until he shows you a little more respect.
He is still a married man and consequently you are not his top priority.

The OP shouldn't have to subsidise the ex to sot on her backside for most of the day.

‘Truth be told he doesn’t like confrontation’.

This is him, he has shown you who he is, he’d rather baffle you with nonsense than stand up to his ex.

This will grumble on for years, his ex poking & prodding for him to roll over with you giving way on whatever the issue.

Do not hand over any details whatsoever.

Take his muttering about delaying the divorce as a blessing in disguise.

You may be about to dodge a bullet.

This!
And PACK YOUR STUFF AND MOVE OUT TOMORROW

Yes he does provide equal if not more care to his kids. He attends every appointment etc etc. Unfortunately the mum has admitted to us about not really being bothered about the kids, I’m child free myself and she even admitted to me she was jealous - we have said we’d have the kids more so that she’s able to get her life in order, work full time and then try to establish a routine but she’s refused that.

It’s sad for the children who have started to pick up on the above.

It sounds that you would be better off without him. I would tell him that you don't wish to be involved in all the drama with his ex. He'll need to sort out his situation by himself.

Poor children. Let's see if he realizes what he is about to lose

I do feel bad for the kids being involved in it all.

Move out and live apart.
Give your partner an ultimatum.

You love him and will reconsider the relationship once he is legally free to do so and when all his committments to his children are known.

Its nothing to do with spojsal maintenance or child maintenance . It's to do with the split of financial assets during the divorce.

Ok then so how can a divorce settlement be made taking in to account a partnership that has no legal basis? (a partnership that could end at any time)

And the following from PP is still relevant: ‘Based on what you say, no couple should cohabit until their divorces are through otherwise one of them (or both) could be liable for some maintenance towards the former spouse’ - but swap ‘maintenance’ for ‘divorce settlement’…?