Letting ex take kids to africa

[Onlinedater1]

So my ex is from a west African country, the kids are 8and 5. I’ve agreed for him to take the kids away for 3 weeks max after a long debate. I’ve never been there and they haven’t either so it would be an opportunity to meet their cousins, grandma and practice their language. I was already really anxious as he can be quite selfish and I wouldn't even know where they are exactly as people don’t have exact addresses there. I have phone numbers for his family but that’s about it. I spoke to them before but there is a language barrier.
he initially said i can come as well but when I said i’d join for a week only, he said it’s too much money to pay for me just to come for a week. Also declined when I said he could apply for a visa for me just in case as it’s again waste of money. I can’t afford to go and don’t really want to.
Anyway he booked them tickets for a month even though I said it’s 3 weeks max! He said it’s because the tickets were cheaper that away and he is their dad. So they will now miss 2,5 weeks school. I’m fuming. He has loads of money and hasn’t even had them for a night since moving out over a year ago. How can I trust him when he has no regard for what we agreed. I don’t want to stop them from going and don’t have money for solicitors but is there anything I can do to minimise any risk? Should I even be letting them go?
they want to go, but is it worth my anxiety?
should by teaching my son the phone numbers for British embassy by heart in case something happens 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
aaarghhhhh

You've posted because you're worried. Nearly every respondent has said don't let him take the kids but you are coming back each time and saying "0% change of fgm", "he has a life here", "he loves his kids" etc etc but if he doesn't bring them back then that's that. You can do NOTHING!!!!

You are worried and for good reason. Trust your gut. A PP has said you know your ex and strangers on the internet don't but the only person you can 100% trust is yourself.

Don't let him take your kids. When they are 16 they can visit. In all the time you were with him (14 years was it?) you never went to his home country and yet he wants to take the kids. Really? Are you very naive??

This was a bad place to ask for advice. I am picking up vibes that sure that none of the responses come from people from a west African country. There is a lot of bias. Why on earth is some people’s first thought FGM??

At the end of the day they are his kids too. I think the best solution honestly would be for you to go with them. It is not fair on the children to prevent them from getting to know the other side of the family. If you went with them then that would solve all concerns that you have. Why are you reluctant to go with them? Surely it would be a wonderful experience for you all.

Your ex is right, visas and flights are extremely expensive to west Africa, so I wouldn’t have booked the tickets either without a guarantee that you were coming.

I feel very strongly that the kids should be allowed to go & that the best solution is that you go with them.

Like a lot of people he was trying his chances

What a peach! 🙄

Op, I'd just let your kids go. You have a photo of your ex's sister's house and your ds is smart and resourceful. What more do you need?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don't know why you're asking all this if you're determined to let them go anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

Firstly, you want opinions but then seem to be trying to change the mind of the people giving their opinions 🙈

Secondly, dramatic scenarios aside (not that I'm saying those couldn't happen) there are other concerns I would have with small children being away that far for that long.

• missing school
• not having been away overnight with him for a year and suddenly being away a month.
• parenting - malaria tablets, vaccinations, sun cream, food/allergies/illness/ drinking water suitability etc.
• what happens if they are seriously ill/hurt/homesick.
• you've openly admitted he is selfish. Being that far away, on a plane, in a strange country, with people they've never met. It is a lot. They will need a lot more love/care/attention/reassurance.
• it isn't just about trusting HIM. It is about trusting his family and everyone else they will come into contact with over there.

Honestly, even putting fgm/kidnapping aside, I think you'd be utterly insane to allow children that young to go away that far without you. They spend time with their dad here, and will have plenty of time as they get older to go. Also, if you value them experiencing their own culture/background/family etc then whether you want to or not, go with them 🤷 they don't need to go for a month for that to happen.

This!!

I think the FGM posts are silky, BUT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO IF HE DECIDES TO KEE THE KIDS. Taking that risk is totally crazy.

silly*

OP, it's your call. I have 5 yo and no way could he do a month in a strange place without me without real distress. So I'd say no purely on that basis.

I also have to say that letting the kids spend a month in the sole care of a self-centred person who you know won't be putting their needs first is also a hard no from me.

Two strong reasons why I'd say no, even if the trip was to Yorkshire!

Given that the trip is to a non Hague Convention country then the only way to do it (relatively) safely is for you to accompany them for the whole time, ideally for a shorter trip not in term time. But even then, if he just physically withheld them from taking the return flight, you would have no legal right there to get them home with you. You guessed upthread a 5% chance he'd kidnap your kids?! I would definitely not be ok with that, I'm amazed you seem to be.

There are real risks here. I do understand that visiting family is important but couldn't your ex pay for their granny to come here to meet them? They are very young still for such a long time away from you. In your shoes I'd definitely refuse this trip.

There are some dodgy opinions on this thread. I think the fact that he is going to West Africa is bringing up some crazy.

That said, the following would concern me:

He never has them overnight.
A month is way too long, given that he never has them overnight.
Missing two and a half weeks of school. That will also concern the school.
Fines for missing school.
You were married for 14 years, right? And you never went there, don't know any of his family? You being totally unaware of where your dc are for a month, in a foreign country, with people you have never met... that would worry me.

I would say they should go for a week, this first trip, and two weeks at an absolute maximum. His idea that a week isn't worth it - that's an adult perspective and a symptom of that selfishness you mentioned. In a week, they can meet their cousins and grandparents and aunties and uncles. See where Dad is from. Get to know everyone.

I think you should go for this trip. Meet everyone. Shake hands, have tea, get to know your dc's family. Then, after a week or two at most, you can fly back with them to the UK, if your ex wants to stay longer.

And next time Dad is able to plan a trip, you will be much more comfortable about it (or alternately, know never to send the dc there again!).

By the way, you being there does NOT minimise the risk of him abducting your dc and keeping them in the country of his origin. But if you feel that is very unlikely anyway, then go ahead with a negotiated version of the trip.

My concerns:

im really fuming that he didn’t respect that we agreed to book tickets for 3 weeks and booked them for a month
that it’s a long time and he isn’t as warm towards them as I would be
its a long time to be away they might be missing me
if anything happened, let’s say a car accident, I can’t just be immediately there
he will be selfish in how they spend time and they again might miss home
1% what if there is a plane crash, car crash, terrorist attack, illness, another disaster
he has some ties here in a way that he has a good job but is self employed, no property ownership, has a girlfriend although I’m surprised she is ok with him leaving her for a month, has a car and money in the British bank, not much else

no it’s not a city that starts with L

I do really appreciate all these responses.
however do feel that there is a bias. He is not a bad guy. There was never domestic violence or unfaithfulness, he is not crazy religious and would never ever or his family engage in FGM or hurt his kids. EVER

he is very stingy though. Yep, so I could go for 2 weeks, I’ll consider that but I really don’t want to. I also have a new relationship and have not had a break ever. But like people say a lot is at stake.

you know your ex and kids, you are in a better position than online strangers to tell whether it will be ok or not.

Yes, this. Lots of posters here will not get past 'West African.'

Honestly, I don't understand why you're so relaxed about this. If his family decided that it was best for the kids to grow up with them, you wouldn't even know where to start looking for your kids and you'd have no legal recourse whatsoever and no visa to even travel there at short notice. This is madness.

I think you need to trust your gut instincts when it comes to his reliability etc as none of us know him. Plenty of people take children back to their birth country for holidays and bring them home on time, however a few cases a year do not. How established his life is in the U.K. and his earning power here vs his homeland is one factor.

No one here can really advise except I would say there's no difference between 3 weeks and 4 materially with the risk

You seem to be wanting us to say yes, let them go? It's your duty to make this decision regardless of anyone else's opinion, and ultimately, it's your duty to keep your children safe!
I would never in a million years let my children go, no matter how much I trusted the dad. Even if there was a 99% chance that they would be returned home, that 1% would be enough for me to say NO

Don’t let them go. If he has lots of money he’ll him to pay for his family to come over a visit.

NEVER in a month of Sundays!

If you're really that concerned then go with them? Or don't send them?
What is the dilemma here? You've just stated all of your worries so why isn't that enough for you to either go with them or don't send them? You would actually risk that happening to your kids all because you want a break or can't be assed to go with them. Astonishing

Your choice your gamble. Personally I couldn’t put my kids in that position. But hey you’ve got a new boyfriend and have never had a break 🙄

please tell me one of these children are not a girl - is there any chance he is considering FGM?
Honestly there is red flags all over this - how can you let them go? He's not had them for a night and suddenly its OK for them to go for 4 weeks? You agreed 3 weeks and he has booked 4? If he can't respect you on the number of weeks he might not be respecting you by bringing them back. Ring the embassy and put a stop on them leaving the country without your permission.

I would be saying no purely because of them missing school tbh, his reason of a shorter trip being "not worth it" is a poor one.

I'm actually shocked that the op is even considering allowing them to go, considering she's very aware of all of the risks and isn't willing to accompany them. Like you said, it's a gamble, a very risky gamble, and essentially their lives/health are at risk. All for a break 🫣

Right, thank you very much for all your responses. I’m going to have a careful think about everything and speak to him tonight as well. Thanks everyone. Feel that people are getting annoyed with me as I am also not saying 100% not letting my kids go but that’s not happening because this is not how I feel and it’s not what the situation is calling for either in my opinion.
i was hoping also for some ideas, but the responses are very extreme and like someone said would be good to hear from some West African people and like someone else said ultimately I’m asking random strangers who have never met my ex or most sounds like haven’t been to Africa

you posted you had your concerns and most of us agreed you are right to - and now you are trying to defend him as not a bad guy? I think your spidery sense are tingling this might be a bad idea but you want to spend some time with your new boyfriend so you were hoping the internet would reassure you it was an OK decision.

I have been to Lagos, Nigeria. I still wouldn't let them go!!!

If your concerns are more them being away from you in general rather than him doing something, then go with them.
I personally think that the cultural and familial connections are very important, so I would try and make it work, but on your terms.
My DH (not ex so obviously not the same I know) has taken my eldest home a couple of times, but no way would I let them go for a month.

So he has sought asylum in the UK but it is perfectly safe for him to return to his home country for 4 weeks on holiday?