Letting ex take kids to africa

[Onlinedater1]

So my ex is from a west African country, the kids are 8and 5. I’ve agreed for him to take the kids away for 3 weeks max after a long debate. I’ve never been there and they haven’t either so it would be an opportunity to meet their cousins, grandma and practice their language. I was already really anxious as he can be quite selfish and I wouldn't even know where they are exactly as people don’t have exact addresses there. I have phone numbers for his family but that’s about it. I spoke to them before but there is a language barrier.
he initially said i can come as well but when I said i’d join for a week only, he said it’s too much money to pay for me just to come for a week. Also declined when I said he could apply for a visa for me just in case as it’s again waste of money. I can’t afford to go and don’t really want to.
Anyway he booked them tickets for a month even though I said it’s 3 weeks max! He said it’s because the tickets were cheaper that away and he is their dad. So they will now miss 2,5 weeks school. I’m fuming. He has loads of money and hasn’t even had them for a night since moving out over a year ago. How can I trust him when he has no regard for what we agreed. I don’t want to stop them from going and don’t have money for solicitors but is there anything I can do to minimise any risk? Should I even be letting them go?
they want to go, but is it worth my anxiety?
should by teaching my son the phone numbers for British embassy by heart in case something happens 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
aaarghhhhh

You’re the only response on here like that! Are you sure you’re not my ex 😂😂😂

I couldn't. I'd be a nervous wreck the whole time they were away. And it's such a long time for your children to be away from you in a foreign country around family they don't know.
You and him are divorced so you really don't know what his state of mind or thinking is. Maybe he has no plans to keep them there. Maybe he does and genuinely thinks they will be better off raised by his family. Maybe once he's there his family will convince them they are better off there. There is a lot that can happen in a month (or 3 weeks).
There is just no way in hell I would let my children go. It's not safe.

I don’t have major concerns, I just want to minimise any risks.

The only risk (assuming he is a competent patent) being that he doesn't return them; I would assume that is THE BIGGEST AND MOST REAL CONCERN OF THEM ALL.

OP - do NOT let them go if you want to see them again. I took my ex to court as he refused a 2 week holiday to Spain where I provided EVERY POSSIBLE DETAIL about the holiday/flight/Hotel. You have no idea about any of his family or where, literally, on earth your kids will be.

Prohibited steps order. Apply yourself, today.

And just to add. My concerns would mainly be because the country is not part of The Hague Convention. If they don't come back you may never see them again.

there is some bias here with responses because he is African and there are news stories

Yep.

I mean they would be going to a capital city of the country and stay with his sister and family. It’s a well developed city and people don’t practice FGM, also they are culturally fairly liberal.

What was he seeking asylum from if it's a safe, fairly liberal country?

Risk of children being kept there (no Hague convention).
Risk of FGM, tribal cutting
etc.
Risk of tropical disease. Is he the conscientious sort (to arrange in good time) malaria tablets or the right vaccinations, or would he just not bother because you sort out their medical appointments. My cousin is facing a liver transplant after getting a liver parasite from a visit to Africa.
Risk of fines from missing school (would he leave you to pay?), and detrimental effect of missing school to education.
Risk from traffics accidents (poorly maintained vehicles or roads) lack of pavements for pedestrians.
Risk from violence.
Would he bother with travel insurance?

OP you say he was initially an asylum seeker.

"An asylum seeker is a person who leaves their country of residence, enters another country and applies for asylum in that other country. An asylum seeker is an immigrant who has been forcibly displaced and might have fled their home country because of war or other factors harming them or their family"

And yet you are happy for him to take your children back to his country of origin, despite his previous fears for his/his family's safety?

NOPE

I can't think of any West African capital city where parts of it are not mapped with addresses. Only illegal slums are habited without addresses.

I suspect this city starts with an L. Yes FGM is not generally practiced there but not everyone who claims to be from is actually from their in the local sense which is what determines customs and practices.

You need to be super careful of malaria. The truth is that men are not as attentive and I won't leave them in such an unpredictable and new environment with little children.

In those climes men aren't encouraged to directly look after children so they're care will be mostly left to the females and they might over look things like allowing them drink tap water, have exposed skin outdoor at night etc.

If he wants them to go it should be for two weeks and with you in tow. Otherwise he should wait till they're teens.

If his feelings are more important to you than the needless exposure of your kids to these types of risks then do what you wish.

With your updates, it seems that you trust they would be safe from physical harm, fine. But a month is such a long time to be away from you, at 5 years old. You say that he is selfish. Do you mean as a romantic partner, or selfish as in you worry he would put own needs above the kids?

I would insist on going too, at least for two out of the 3 weeks. You could go in the middle so that you're only away from them for one week at a time.

My friend had to rescue her young children from ex who had them on a holiday stay. This was Paris not Africa. It happens, I'm sorry to say.

You said yourself you have little spare cash. If it all starts going wrong, can YOU afford to jump on planes, hire lawyers etc to sort it out?

I think the worst part is that your kids are so young. Simply the unaccompanied plane ride would elicit a firm no from me.

And no, nothing to do with racism. There are plenty of countries around the world not signed up to the Hague Convention. No chance in hell my ex would be taking the kids there, whether I went along or not. Even New Zealand is on my no chance in hell list - from the white perspective!

Even if it isn’t a malaria region just getting lots and lots of mosquito bites can make you feel lousy. Chiggers are unpleasant too!

Like a lot of people he was trying his chances

Hes not had the kids to stay for a year! So no matter if it was a months holiday to see his family in the next town it’s unwise to let your kids stay with him. A big no for this far away destination. He can complain but there’s nothing he can do seeing that he doesn’t bother caring for kids.

also my son is incredibly intelligent and I do believe he would get himself out of any situation, he speaks the language

Your son who is 8? You think it's fair to put that kind of pressure on an 8 year old to 'get himself out of any situation' when the concern is safeguarding and abduction? What about his sister?

It isn't 'bias because he's African'. It's reasonable concern that you're proposing sending your children for an extended holiday to a country from which they may not return, with their father who doesn't even have them overnight and has already shown that he ignores your agreements, after a post in which you raise your own concerns.

You asked for opinions and you've had them. You literally asked in your Op 'how can I trust him' and now seem bothered by people pointing out that you may not be able to and that if he decided not to bring them back your hands may be tied and you may not be able to use legal channels to help you. The fact is, the % chance of something like that happening may be very low in your mind, but the impact and damage if it does is massive. Thats why it's still a big risk even if you think that the chance of it happening is minimal. There isn't much you can do to prevent it once they're on the plane so if you have any concerns, which you said you did, now is the time to take action.

Only you know him, none of us do. Would you be asking if it was just three weeks like you planned?
I think you're fairly sure he is not going to leave them there, or stay there with them. You feel very sure that there won't be any FGM risk. He was happy for you to go, just thought it was expensive if you only did a week.
I'd ask for regular phone calls speaking to both, with a settling in call when arrived at the sisters and chat to all including sister. I'd get myself a visa to cover you flying out if you do get worried and you'll probably find you don't need it but have that as a comfort blanket in the meantime.
Yes there are bad news stories but they are not in great numbers. You seem to both have very settled lives as as split couple where the children are doing well.
Can only be your choice. Go with your gut feeling and what you actually know.

I’m surprised at the responses here tbh.

ExH is from a North African country and has taken the DDs there twice since we divorced and brought them back as planned. I was a bit stressed but mainly because I was worried about the heat etc.

I guess it’s a bit different because I’ve been to the country and know his family.

@Onlinedater1 you know your ex and kids, you are in a better position than online strangers to tell whether it will be ok or not.

If they have family there it would be good for the kids to see them.

Gosh yes, so he is very contentious in terms of anti Maria tablets, they are already vaccinated and would not be drinking tap water etc. I have been offered to come for the whole trip or for 2 weeks but I really don’t want to. He is selfish in the way that I think he’d be showing them to everyone etc but would not think of they need to go swimming or that he could take them where they want to be. It will be more what he wants to do or they will just be playing with cousins which is fine. He won’t be spending loads on them

I have been offered to come for the whole trip or for 2 weeks but I really don’t want to.

Oh, ok, that's different then. I think that you should go. The kids will benefit far more from playing with cousins and being immersed in their culture and family, than they will going swimming or whatever. Best things in life are free, and all that.

There is a lot of racism in these posts. Really horrible to read.
But otherwise, him taking your kids abroad will be stressful. I think I would only be happy if I could go along too. Appreciate its expensive etc, but is this not something you and he could arrange?

I don't really understand why you started this thread because despite everyone raising concerns you just say there's nothing to worry about.
So let them go.

Onlinedater1 you know your ex and kids, you are in a better position than online strangers to tell whether it will be ok or not.

Really? How many women are convinced that their partner would never cheat on them or hit them?

My friend thought that her ex would have more regard for her boys than to try to permanently take them away from their Mother and move them to a country devastated by war. She was wrong.

OP what exactly are your concerns? That he won't bring them back? Or more their comfort and safety?

If you're worried and you going is an option, then go. It really is so valuable for kids to connect with their heritage and family!

And dear lord! Some of these responses. Africans don't all go around mutilating and kidnapping all the time!

You're an absolute fool OP. Sorry. I have good friends from that region and they probably wouldn't kidnap their kids and not return them, but if they wanted to they absolutely could. If your ex decided not to return the kids, there is absolutely nothing you will be able to do about it. To take that risk is crazy.