Money claims from ex partner

[Toadcatcher]

After a long relationship and 2 now almost grown up children and many incidents of domestic abuse and violence, the children and I moved out mid last year. We have not heard from him at all and I thought he did not have our address. Three weeks ago a letter from a solicitor, representing my former partner, arrived with demands for money. He claims that I owe him a large sum comprised of individual items, such as an alleged loan (which was a gift 5 years ago and not mentioned since) and payment for my engagement ring and other demands. I can piece evidence together that these demands are unfounded. However, they threaten with litigation.
I tried to get advice from a solicitor who told me that they could help. After almost three weeks during which I received holding messages from the solicitor, they have now told me that we are now in a rush, the deadline for a response is next week and I need to prepay them £1500 for a response letter. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t have much time left now. Should I pay up or should I represent myself?

This is a litigation matter, not family law (albeit the background is domestic). I would not say that a family lawyer is the right person to handle this.

Your best option might be to send a brief letter back yourself, of the type that has been suggested here and look around for another lawyer so you have someone in mind if he does follow up. If you do this I would suggest making a reference back to the earlier abuse and how he is now using these claims to continue his abusive behaviour.

@eurochick thank you for confirming. I asked them the question too and they confirmed they were the right person to speak to as family lawyers? If they then have to get their input from the litigator, I would be paying twice the costs!

@eurochick If you do this I would suggest making a reference back to the earlier abuse and how he is now using these claims to continue his abusive behaviour.
Do you mean to include this in the response letter due now? Or save for later? I have pdf’d all the orders already to include.

I also received some free legal advice included in an insurance. They have confirmed what everyone here has suggested. I’m scared, but feeling more empowered, if this makes sense.

Regardless of how genuine the solicitors firm is, it doesn’t mean what they say is true. They are simply someone that your husband has paid to write a letter. It also doesn’t mean the solicitor thinks there is any chance of you having to pay anything. They get paid for their letter writing skills regardless of how contrived your husband’s claim is.

If I were you I would reply saying you are still prepared to buy your husband out of his 40% share of the car. Then at least you have this offer in writing. I would ignore all of the other claims because they are garbage.

Don't complicate the response. A simple letter saying that you don't owe him anything is all you need.

After a car accident, we kept receiving lawyers letters demanding £1000s.... Every time we got one, DH and I would panic. Then we would call our insurance company who would tell us to send the letter to them and that it doesn't affect us and that these letters are designed to try and get people to respond/agree because of the natural tendency to panic.

Letters like this are terrifying. But as others have said, either ignore or respond to say that you dispute all claims and will produce evidence for a court if needed. You don't need an expensive lawyer for that. Do it yourself or find a lawyer who will only charge you an hour or two to draft it.

Even after years of practise it still never ceases to amaze me that some people just don't listen to advice, whether it's free or paid for. They plough on and do exactly what they've been advised not to do.

Such odd behaviour.

I think the problem with stuff like this is it's so hard to understand why a lawyer would send a letter if it's not "real" as it were. We are programmed by TV etc to believe that if a lawyer says something, he has a really good strong legal argument why that statement is true. And only an equally strong legal argument back will suffice.

I remember I kept asking our insurance firm, "but we are insured so the claim is for you anyway, why do they keep writing to US" and they kept telling me it's to create this exact reaction in us.

Having said all that, of course you are right. But OP has also probably had years of being "trained" by this man to be terrified of what he says and to do what he says and to believe everything he says. That conditioning is not easy to shake off.

I have communicated to the solicitor that I do not currently need them, but of course thy are trying to talk me out of it. They seem to think a detailed response to all points is the best approach. Because it’s the most expensive approach? And they still have not shared their strategy, if any.
@JustAnotherLawyer2 I suppose I am driven by fear. I can’t think clearly when it comes to my ex. I am terrified. He has been hunting me now for 10 years and I thought I was finally free again. I was wrong. It’s hard to explain, but it is sheer terror and panic taking over. Hiding behind an expensive lawyer is very tempting.

@Toadcatcher I am sorry that you have fallen into the clutches of such an unscrupulous lawyer. Their response is even MORE reason to avoid using them.

To be charitable, they might well think that if they respond sensibly, your ex will back down. But it sounds like they have no idea of how abusive men behave and so they are expecting a rational response from him if you are rational to him. But you know, and we all know, that he is NOT going to be rational. So attempting to reason with him via expensive solicitors is a waste of time.

Your solicitor wants the job, and your money. They couldn't care less about you. His solicitor is only doing what he is paying them to do and to say.

Might I suggest that you go and speak to someone at your local Citizens Advice Bureau?

Have you still got the engagement ring?

@Triffid1 exactly right. We cannot expect him to act like a reasonable man. He will send letter after letter regardless of the costs and I would have to pay. Been there. This activity is the whole focus of his life now - he has nothing else to do and is angry and bored. No way I can pay for this!

@hotfroth I still have the ring :-)

Follow the good advice on this thread - ignore the expensive solicitors - take back the power

@prh47bridge I disagree. I believe you are a lawyer too. So as you will know solicitors have a duty to behave ethically. Indicating that they are being used as a tool to carry on an abusers abuse should make them consider whether they are acting properly by pursuing the OP. She mentions she has the orders to send anyway so they should do the job regardless of what is said in the covering letter.

@eurochick is this true? Would they back down if they knew the history?

If they are recent lawyers, they would not be encouraging you to run up bills unnecessarily.

I know two separate lawyers, in two entirely different firms. Both approach any new case with an initial ' can you have a conversation and sort it out, much better not to get lawyers involved' point of view.

There again, they are both very busy practices with more work than they could possibly take on.

A firm which is not busy, might find themselves with different pressures and genuinely thinking (for whatever reason) that you should run up bills with them.

Doesn't change anything.

I'm so sorry that your ex is still such a terrible presence in your life. I hope you get it sorted, by replying yourself as others have suggested, rather than instructing your own lawyers.

And definitely explicitly tell your current lawyers to close the case, pay them to date and instruct them to not incur any more cost. Anyone who tries to make you spend more on lawyers is not going to help you in the right way. All the best.

Thanks @FinallyHere I have not even instructed them yet. I backed out now before running up any bills thanks to everyone’s patient advice here.
I’ll be back with my final version of the response.

I wouldn't hurry your response, it might be more amusing to let him spend some more money getting his solicitors to write chaser letters.

Have you spoken to Solace? I’m guessing you must have done in the past but I think it would be worth speaking to them again, if only for hand holding. It’s so hard to see the light when you’re in the thick of it but every legally qualified person here is telling you not to worry. Take a breath, there is no deadline.

This sounds like a good idea.

@Hparker21 no - what is Solace?

I am so worried. I am particularly worried about messing up my job while I am in this state of mind. This has been going on for too long. 10 years and there does not seem to be an escape from him. We were so happy when we got away, organise the move and left while he was out. Why can’t he leave us alone?

Just wanted to send you a hug OP. This is just another way of him controlling your emotional state- He probably wants you worried and stressed far more than he wants the money. I know you're worried and that is to be expected- You know what he's like and what he's capable of. But legally, he has no leg to stand on. He has no power over you. As he has probably always done, he wants a reaction so that can feed the drama and prolong some kind of relationships.

Also, I do wish I'd known when I was in a similar-ish position- There are so many unscrupulous solicitors about. I had a sort of fearful respect of the entire profession, thinking they were basically all good people, but there are some really shit ones about. Your ex's solicitor really should have advised him not to bother with this. Perhaps they did. But just remember always, the fact that they're a solicitor doesn't make them more deserving of your respect (or fear) than anyone else.
(There are brilliant solicitors around too. I found one in the end and I honestly didn't begrudge a single penny I paid her. She was wonderful.)

www.solacewomensaid.org

They will be well used to this kind of twattery and able to advise. Economic abuse is recognized within law now. As previously suggested, citizens Advice could also be helpful.

Sending you a huge hug, it WILL be ok. You could also get your local MP involved if you’re worried about harassment and if it’s impacting on your children?