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Original poster

Money claims from ex partner

502 replies

Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 20:18

After a long relationship and 2 now almost grown up children and many incidents of domestic abuse and violence, the children and I moved out mid last year. We have not heard from him at all and I thought he did not have our address. Three weeks ago a letter from a solicitor, representing my former partner, arrived with demands for money. He claims that I owe him a large sum comprised of individual items, such as an alleged loan (which was a gift 5 years ago and not mentioned since) and payment for my engagement ring and other demands. I can piece evidence together that these demands are unfounded. However, they threaten with litigation.
I tried to get advice from a solicitor who told me that they could help. After almost three weeks during which I received holding messages from the solicitor, they have now told me that we are now in a rush, the deadline for a response is next week and I need to prepay them £1500 for a response letter. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t have much time left now. Should I pay up or should I represent myself?

OP posts:
Longdistance · 09/08/2022 22:05

Send the letter back with a roll of toilet paper. What utter shite!
He owes CM. He can fuck off and go suck some lemons 🍋

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 22:10

TheFlis12345 we previously lived separately for a number of years and then reconciled. At the time there was an agreement for CM which was never paid. Also, when we did live together, he paid his own costs only and I supported the children. He did not contribute.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 09/08/2022 22:11

He's messing with your head. A solicitor's letter has no more legal validity than a letter from your ex. They can't impose a deadline. There is no deadline. And an engagement ring is a gift. He has no legal right to it being returned or paid for.

Whose name is the car registered in?

You could ignore the letter completely or you could write back with a simple statement.

Dear sir, I do not owe your client anything. Regards.

Honestly, what a bullying chancer.

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 22:12

He is accusing me of everything you can possibly think of, thrown in amongst the requests for money. I ‘instigated a physical relationship to get a free engagement ring’ he is nothing short of accusing me of prostitution! And his solicitor included all that!

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 09/08/2022 22:21

Agrre with all other posters. Say you dispute all claims and are happy tomprovife details in court. Then ignore.

Also, I am sorry to.say your lawyer is a complete shyster. To give you some context - I recently got my lawyer to review a contract I was sent by a client. My lawyer works for a mid size, London (City) law firm. She is a partner but suggested I use an associate on her team for this relatively simple piece of work. She reviewed and commented on a 23 page contract and i paid.... £1000 and change. A simple "your client is talking garbage" letter should take no more than an hour ans cost, at most, a few hundred but really, significantly less.

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 22:21

MintJulia the car is registered in my name and he is not even on the insurance policy. I refused to pay for us insurance - too expensive due to drunk driving convictions.

OP posts:
redastherose · 09/08/2022 22:25

Don't acknowledge his claim to anything even the car. Just say you dispute all of the claims and will be happy to provide proof in court should he so wish. Then ignore unless you receive court proceedings, the solicitors letter means nothing at this point.

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 22:26

Triffid1 I was beginning to think that my solicitor is not being very straightforward. Initially we had 4 weeks to respond. They knew I was worried about the timelines. Then they kept sending placeholder messages and it was only today that they gave me a proper response - and the bill!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 22:30

The letter is very hurtful and cruel. It describes me as the worst possible human being. Do I have to respond to all the character assassination or can I ignore it?

OP posts:
eurochick · 09/08/2022 22:54

The OP says it is a "very very long letter" setting out four claims. Responding to that can be far more time consuming than reviewing a contract if much of it is boilerplate. I don't think the fee estimate seems unreasonable. They need to review the letter, investigate the facts with the OP, draft a response, send the response to the OP fir comments and deal with and comments and amendments before it can be finalised.

BUT I would agree that you do not need to dance to his tune. You could send a letter back refuting the claims very briefly. He would have to prove them if he wants to take it to court.

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 22:59

eurochick this makes sense regarding the fees. What would the next steps be in the court process, if it goes to court?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/08/2022 23:05

Yes you can ignore are the vitriol and accusations.

You don't need a solicitor at this point.

Just refute his claims and pour out he never paid the agreed CM. Do you have that agreement in writing anywhere?

Hopefully you are now going by CMS, is this what has triggered this letter?

RandomMess · 09/08/2022 23:07

He is using a solicitor to try to bully and intimidate you into paying up. Just more abuse!

Triffid1 · 09/08/2022 23:28

eurochick · 09/08/2022 22:54

The OP says it is a "very very long letter" setting out four claims. Responding to that can be far more time consuming than reviewing a contract if much of it is boilerplate. I don't think the fee estimate seems unreasonable. They need to review the letter, investigate the facts with the OP, draft a response, send the response to the OP fir comments and deal with and comments and amendments before it can be finalised.

BUT I would agree that you do not need to dance to his tune. You could send a letter back refuting the claims very briefly. He would have to prove them if he wants to take it to court.

Except, her lawyer should be advising her not to bother responding to all these spurious claims and that a response should be very short and sweet. Because a good lawyer would totally get that this is all just to wind her up and the fact that it's all so personal and unprofessional is a sign that her ex is making them send this letter. A good lawyer would NOT be suggesting a similarly long response.

skeemee · 09/08/2022 23:34

Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 22:30

The letter is very hurtful and cruel. It describes me as the worst possible human being. Do I have to respond to all the character assassination or can I ignore it?

@Toadcatcher
please read what pp have advised. You do not need to respond at this stage. If you choose to respond, a simple paragraph to refute all claims will suffice. Pp have provided appropriate wording. You do not need to engage. You do not need a solicitor. You are not proceeding to court right now.

Your ex may not take this any further. if you get court papers, consult a solicitor then. He is still abusing you. Time to stop dancing to his tune.

also, contact cms tomorrow to start a claim for maintenance. If he is working, it can be deducted from his salary. This should be your priority, not wondering whether you need to put together some sort of defence. You are not on trial! He would be delighted to know how unsettled this has made you.

He doesn’t call the shots anymore. Remember that!!

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 23:50

Do I not even have to acknowledge that he is entitled to a 40% payment for his minority share of the car?

OP posts:
skeemee · 10/08/2022 00:00

Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 23:50

Do I not even have to acknowledge that he is entitled to a 40% payment for his minority share of the car?

You don’t need to respond at all. It is not a court summons. The letter holds no legal weight.

if you choose to respond, pp have given great examples of what to write.

you are giving your ex too much headspace. Which is what he wants of course! You’ve left and he can’t believe you can live without him.

CMS. Tomorrow. That’s your priority.

Original poster
Toadcatcher · 10/08/2022 00:34

I’m not even sure what trial I should be on, going by this letter. He is describing me as a filthy, despicable gold digger (if only) who never cleaned the house and is shouting abuse at everyone. I have no idea where this is coming from. He is describing me as angry.
I am none of these things. I am getting really scared - where is he going with this?
He was evicted by the family court ten years ago, due to his violent behaviour. He got arrested multiple times. We were all scared of him in the end. Why is he now turning this round to try and make me the culprit? He is the culprit.

OP posts:
newbiename · 10/08/2022 00:39

Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 21:19

Also, a very naive question: would the solicitor just write / threaten anything, even if it is completely unfounded and there is simply no claim?

Yes, they will write whatever he asks.

Triffid1 · 10/08/2022 00:40

Attempting to apply a rational reason to his behaviour is pointless. What he is trying to do is control you, manipulate you, and scare you.... and it's working.

It's very very hard but you need to keep reminding yourself that this behaviour is irrational and also pointless. If and when it gets to court, you have all the evidence you need to prove he's talking rubbish. You will also be able to point out that he's never paid CMS. The family court evicting him will be on record...

Men like this have had success at getting what they want by scaring and gaslighting women. He has had success doing this to you before. So he's just doing it some more. The only way you can win or survive this is not to give him the reaction he wants. Force HIM to have to do the work. So, no response OR, a response to say that you deny everything he says and look forward to proving it in court.

newbiename · 10/08/2022 00:46

He's doing it because he's a nasty controlling bully.
You're not physically there anymore so he's trying another tack.
As others have said, just ignore.

Tiani4 · 10/08/2022 00:54

Toadcatcher · 10/08/2022 00:34

I’m not even sure what trial I should be on, going by this letter. He is describing me as a filthy, despicable gold digger (if only) who never cleaned the house and is shouting abuse at everyone. I have no idea where this is coming from. He is describing me as angry.
I am none of these things. I am getting really scared - where is he going with this?
He was evicted by the family court ten years ago, due to his violent behaviour. He got arrested multiple times. We were all scared of him in the end. Why is he now turning this round to try and make me the culprit? He is the culprit.

Look
You have independent evidence that he is abusive and not a good parent Joe person

So chill and just write it out if you were habe to pewwnrnw case jn court. I doubt you will but .,,

Tiani4 · 10/08/2022 00:56

Ugh phone!!!

You have independent evidence that he is abusive and not a good parent nor person

So chill and just write it out if you were have to presentcase jn court. I doubt you will but .,,

Tiani4 · 10/08/2022 00:57

Toadcatcher · 09/08/2022 23:50

Do I not even have to acknowledge that he is entitled to a 40% payment for his minority share of the car?

Is cat in your name or his?

PeekAtYou · 10/08/2022 01:14

Solicitors will send letters that aren't based on the law. For example, a MNer received a solicitor's letter telling her to return to her maiden name because his new wife didn't like her using her married name which was her professional name as well as the surname that his kids had.

If you send a message back then your ex gets billed for his solicitor reading your message then calling him to tell him what you said. He's also billed if he says to send another letter. If you send a message (I don't think you should as you haven't broken any laws) then break it up into lots of little messages to increase his legal bill. Write it yourself rather than use a professional.

Personally I'd send nothing back. Engagement rings are gifts in the UK where as in the US you have to return the ring if you don't go through with the wedding.

If you want to send something then just say that you have received his letter and will discuss details in court if he proceeds with legal action. This is when his lawyer will advise him what the law is.

the fact that the letter is a character assassination speaks volumes about what kind of man he is. There's no need to send a denial of his points even though his solicitor will welcome your message as it means they can charge for reading it and calling him to discuss it. Don't fall into his trap of wasting £££ on legal fees.

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