partner has our child and is refusing to return to the UK

[davejohns]

So we went for a holiday to her home country in the EU, and I had to return a week early for work reasons. On the eve that she and our child was suppose to fly back, she said didn't want to come back. I'm trying to keep things amicable at the moment and intend to fly back out there and resolve things, and is it stands we are not separated, but if that falls apart legally is that still abduction if I do not consent to our child not returning?

This is a very stressful time for me. Thanks for reading

You need specialist legal advice before you try to reconcile / fly out to try to get your partner to come home. You will possibly need to fight this in the courts both in the U.K. and her home country which is why you need to speak to a solicitor asap. I wouldn’t delay the process long as she may fight and win residency over there if you leave it some months, especially with a very young child or baby. Ie child is settled, father has not sought to bring a case within a short time frame etc. That doesn’t mean you would lose custody in the end but that costs spiral to continue the legal process.

As for how I see this as a mother, I would hope if I was desperately unhappy living abroad, my partner would try to work with me. So much as I’m saying fight this, you have to put the needs of your dc first. A happy mum normally leads to a happy child. Your partner probably feels very lonely and needs a lot of support and counselling. What can you do to change things?

Usual undertones that he has done something wrong based on his gender. Wouldn’t happen for any other immutable characteristic so I wonder when we start calling this out as misandry. This person is in distress but it’s okay to infer he is a domestic abuser.

Sadly OP it’s likely your ex will go to domestic abuse to obfuscate and excuse her behaviour I suspect which will make things more complicated. Standard play book stuff.

Lots of dads initially lose their children in this manner. I’m sure you will get a good solicitor after the weekend. I know when you initially lose a child in this manner every moment is difficult so waiting till Monday seems like forever. People don’t think about how hard it is for dads who suddenly have their lives destroyed like this.

Best of luck to you! There’s some great support groups out there with some very knowledgeable people on this kind of issue.

@davejohns How old is your child?

There was a famous case in Spain recently, where the mother took the children away from Italy and brought them back to Spain. Even though there was evidence of abuse by the Italian father, the children were returned to Italy as that was ruled to be their permanent home.

If your wife is in a country that follows The Hague rules, you have a good chance to make them come back. Get a solicitor tomorrow and start the process. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It must be horrendous

2

What a worry op. I second op who says they wish you a speedy and amicable resolution
Good luck I hope all goes well

I'm not eating or sleeping properly

I’m in no position to offer legal advice but on a human level, why don’t you fly out there and talk to her? You know where she is and that your child will be safe with her. If you go down a legal route straightaway all goodwill will be lost and it will be awful.

Go and have a sensible conversation, listen to her and try to see her perspective. Try to reach a mutual agreement on how to move forward. Don’t make it a battle where ultimately no one will win. And don’t start banding words like “abduction” about, your 2 year old is with their mother.

Can't believe the posters suggesting OP consider moving to Poland "for a few years", "as a trial". This is a mother who has already abducted his child without mutual agreement. Considering a "trial" move under the circumstances would be nothing short of reckless. He'd be stuck there forever or risk never seeing his child again.
.

I would talk to her before you rush to court, as she has indicated she doesn’t want to end the relationship. Maybe you could make an agreement where she spends more time there and then comes back if she is homesick. However you will need to find out the time limit for residency being established - I am going to guess it would be around two months but you would need a solid legal answer on that.

You need to think of what you want the future to be - can you agree she spends extended periods in PL throughout the year (if financially practical) and you stay together. The alternative might be that you force her to return to the UK, you split up and have shared custody or EOW and lose your relationship ect.

This ^ repeating in case it was missed.

And don’t start banding words like “abduction” about, your 2 year old is with their mother.

Pretty sure you wouldn't be saying that if it was the OP that had taken them.

And don’t start banding words like “abduction” about, your 2 year old is with their mother.

It's abduction.

I work in this area but a different sector. There are family lawyers on MN who will hopefully be along and give you some clear advice, but yes, it's abduction of she refuses to come back.

Hopefully you even talking about the legal route will be enough to make her understand that she can return to her home country, and very probably she would be allowed to take the child with her (even if you didn't want her to) but there would have to be a court ruling and a drawing up of when you'd have the child and various other rights and responsibilities. Courts do tend to rule in favour of the primary care giver, which at the age of 2 is almost always the mother.

That said, she's currently in a very precarious position by refusing to return to the UK and that will not help any case she has to answer in court.

Whether some posters think the word "abduction" is being bandied about or not, it's the correct legal term for what has happened.

Good luck, and hopefully one of the family lawyers can give you more concrete advice later.

It is abduction, you goon.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t know the legal side of things but I would stay very amicable and friendly with her and say you want the relationship to continue.

I’d be going out there asap and having a conversation about what she’s missing (is it family, friends, culture etc).

Do you have a good job?
Does she work?

She may spend a few weeks there and realise the grass isn’t greener.

If worst comes to worst could you (for now) ask to work remotely or ask for some leave, so at least you can be over there with them.

It’s abduction.

One parent is refusing to bring a child back to its place of residence.

you need to act quickly and see a solicitor.

good luck, I’m really sorry to read this.

What she's done is abduction and massively unacceptable.

I understand why you want to negotiate with her rather than use the legal route but if the children end up living in Poland long enough then they'd be considered resident there and a judge may say that they should stay.

Get legal advice tomorrow. I hope she gets on the plane as agreed but you can't do this every time she travels there.

Or the alternative that they still split up and op hardly sees dc as they are in another country?

Also can't believe the posts suggesting op moves to Poland as a trial. So when op can't get a job there and has to return to UK, then the dc is now resident in PL and the op is the one who's left the family? Not a good idea!

What a sad post today of all days. Hope you are reunited soon Op.

I forgot it was today 😭

@TolkiensFallow legally it IS abduction. Just because it's the mum not the dad doesn't make it any better.

Because the op shouldnt have to move countries to play happy families with the person who just abducted his child. Woukd you honestly want to live with someone whp had broken your trust at this fundamental a level?

Don't move countries, if it doesn't work out then you will be in an entirely different situation. You moving will be proof you've agreed to do moving therefor he will be habitually resident in polo and and the responsibility of polish courts. At the moment, providing you can prove this was meant to just be a holiday (or she can't prove it wasn't) then this is the Jurisdiction of UK courts and your ex partner has to return here to fight any custody battle. See a lawyer experienced in international family law asap (here not in Poland). Do that before you fly out if that's what you want so you can go armed with all the correct facts although surely you can have that conversation over the phone? . She won't lose custody or get in trouble for what she's done at this stage, only if she is ordered to return and refuses will she then face consequences.

Also as the left behind parent you will qualify for legal aid regardless of your financial circumstances. Your partner won't.