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Original poster

My BF wants to sue me for custody of unborn child

131 replies

Figuresofdelight · 20/01/2022 19:44

I need advice on this one. I found out i was pregnant after being for one year with my BF. I told him the day i found out and he looked horrified. The next day he declared i had to have an abortion because we're not ready. I am 35 and have been wondering for some time if i will ever be able to have a child. We don't (yet) live together with my BF. Of course i disagreed with him. It quickly turned nasty. He's been harassing le by phone and stalking me at my place for me to have the abortion. Now he says he will get revenge if I go through with pregnancy and refuse to have the abortion. He has seen a lawyer, and he intends to sue me and get full custody of the child the moment it comes into the world. He will say i have a history of MI.
All this is crushing me. How could he be so full of hatred and revenge, when he used to joke nonstop about having a cute baby to ourselves.
Can he really get custody. Should i have the abortion?

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 20/01/2022 19:45

No he can’t.

Call Women’s Aid.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/01/2022 19:47

ARe you in the U.K.?
If so, there is no suing for custody. He can make an application for contact, which he will get, it will be little and often and with you present at first.
I suggest you block him on all platforms and don't engage until you get a court hearing through the door.

Original poster
Figuresofdelight · 20/01/2022 19:48

I don't live in Britain. His lawyer told him he could get custody. We aren't married. He doesn't want this child but wants to get back at me... my whole life.

OP posts:
NotVictorianHonestly · 20/01/2022 19:48

He's just doing it to try to get you to have an abortion.

You want the baby so don't be pressured into it. Block him via all channels, ignore him and start planning your life without him in it.

Flocon · 20/01/2022 19:48

Keep all messages.
Speak to women's aid.

Sorry you're going through this.

PermanentTemporary · 20/01/2022 19:49

Agree re Women's Aid, or a lawyer. I would think in terms of informing him he's harassing you and should stop or you'll report him to the police, then doing so if he contacts you again. I'd also keep a brief record of his actions and email it to myself every week or so. But I don't have direct experience of this and you need knowledgeable support.

SantaHat · 20/01/2022 19:50

Where do you live? Any practical advice is useless without knowing that.

JSL52 · 20/01/2022 19:50

Cannot happen in the UK.
You need to speak to a solicitor where you are.

JustWonderingIfYou · 20/01/2022 19:50

Where are you? Its sort of important if you want to know legally where you stand.

Are you British? I would recommend coming home if so. Baby born in UK would be more protected than in a lot of other countries.

dramallama55 · 20/01/2022 19:50

He sounds abusive and deranged. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Block him and inform the police if he keeps stalking you. He will have less rights if his name isnt on the birth certificate but he could still apply for contact if he was really determined to. However it will cost him time and money and he doesn't sound like he's invested for the right reasons so you probably don't need to worry about that.

Just focus on blocking him out of your life. If he's using your child to emotionally blackmail you before it's even born it'll only get worse afterwards.

ConfusedNoMore · 20/01/2022 19:51

I think I'd like through my teeth frankly. Tell him you have done it. Then move. Preferably to another country. Block him on everything. Obviously do not name him on birth certificate.

God what a bastard.

negomi90 · 20/01/2022 19:51

No he can't get full custody, nor can contact be set in stone pre birth.
But he will get some access and visitation.
If you have this baby you risk being tied to him for the next 18 years (unless he gives up when he realises you won't let him push you around).
The relationship is over either way.
Only you know whether you want to have a baby enough to be tied to an abusive asshole for the next 18years.
It may be the right thing for you is to have an abortion and have a child with someone else or a sperm donor.
Only you know what's right for you.

ditalini · 20/01/2022 19:51

So he doesn't want you to have a baby, but if you do have a baby he wants it 100% of the time? Hmm

Yeah right. As pp said (assuming you're in UK), he can apply for and likely will get, reasonable contact with his child if that is in the child's best interest, but no - the other stuff isn't going to happen. I'm sure his solicitor will be happy to take some cash off him to tell him so.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/01/2022 19:52

Mumsnet is a U.K. based site so you'll get U.K. based advice which won't help you much.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 20/01/2022 19:52

@Figuresofdelight

I don't live in Britain. His lawyer told him he could get custody. We aren't married. He doesn't want this child but wants to get back at me... my whole life.
No one can give you meaningful advice if you don't say what country you're in
MargosKaftan · 20/01/2022 19:53

Oh hes a proper charmer isn't he? No he won't, if he can't be arsed with co-parenting to the bare minimum then would he really give up so much time and money to raise a child he doesn't want to spite you? Of course he won't.

Do you have a history of mental illness? As in something doctors/previous teachers /employers are aware of, or would he be saying this with zero evidence and expecting everyone to believe him that you have been so seriously mentally ill that you are unfit to raise your child, yet held down a job and noone (except for him) ever noticed?

Stop contact. Until the baby is born he doesn't need to know anything more, so refuse to talk to him.. Your medical appointments are your private business.

He won't go see a solicitor, or if he does they'll tell him he's got no chance.

RogerDodger · 20/01/2022 19:54

@ConfusedNoMore

I think I'd like through my teeth frankly. Tell him you have done it. Then move. Preferably to another country. Block him on everything. Obviously do not name him on birth certificate.

God what a bastard.

Absolutely this. Lie, leave and never ever make contact with him again.
Beck01 · 20/01/2022 19:55

Sounds like a crazy fucker. Report to the police and tell your friends/close family members.

Also, do you want to keep referring to him as your boyfriend?

BunnyRuddington · 20/01/2022 19:55

The only reason you should have an abortion is if you want one.

For now you need to talk to Women's Aid. They will be able to talk you through getting a Non-Molestation Order and whether you have grounds to report him for Harrassment.

I really recommend changing your locks as well so that he doesn't have any access, just as a precaution.

Do you have him on all SM as well? Could you block him on everything but set up an email address, just for him to contact you on?

Definitely keep copies of all of your messages from him and keep copies.

If he does apply for a Child Arrangements Order there are huge backlogs in the Court which means that it's unlikely to be dealt with quickly. A Judge is also unlikely to grant any overnight visits to him under 18 months if you're BFing.

One last thing, you need to tell your MW Thanks

Original poster
Figuresofdelight · 20/01/2022 19:57

Sorry : i live in France and cannot move abroad. Thank you all for much appreciated advice. It helps to set things into perspective.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 20/01/2022 19:57

Just seen that you're not in the U.K. so ignore most of my advice.

Are you British OP? If so come back like a PP suggested.

Ovenaffray · 20/01/2022 19:57

No one can give you advice unless you tell us where in the world you are located.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/01/2022 20:00

It is your decision whether you have the baby or not.

But seeing how he’s shown he is abusive and controlling I’d make things easy on yourself. Move now if you can. Block all forms of contact. You don’t say where you live but it is generally harder once you have had a baby to move away from the dad
You clearly want to have the baby and as long as you are prepared to to be a single mum then that’s up to you
Keep a written record of everything he says in case you need it as evidence

BurntToastAgain · 20/01/2022 20:01

He’s telling you that a solicitor said he’d get full custody of a baby he’s been abusing and harassing you to abort. And has now switched to threatening to take the baby away from you if you don’t have an abortion.

That doesn’t mean that a solicitor said any such thing. Or, of they did, that he told them anything resembling the truth.

Document it all. I don’t think he would do it. Because even if he ‘won’ (and he would not) he’d be responsible for an infant he’s absolutely and abusively certain he doesn’t want 100% of the time

HacerSonarSusPasos · 20/01/2022 20:02

He's bluffing obviously. If he asked for and got full custody as he's threatening, he would be stuck with a tiny baby to care for full time. And then what? Do you honestly think he's open to be a single parent to a baby he doesn't even want and put all that work in? Or is he deluded enough to think he can hand it over to some relative to raise? That's batshit crazy and totally irrational. He's 100% just talking out of his ass in order to scare you into submission.

And no court in france would give him full custody unless he was able to prove you are an unfit parent.

Is there any truth to him accusing you of mental illness?

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