Can I report rape without wanting to go to court?

[AllChange2022]

I'm pursuing DV injunction against ex H, for the safety of my children.

I’ve reported everything related to the children but not to me. h raped me last year and I didn't report it. I'm afraid to because I don't want the DC's Dad to be put on the sex offenders register. He's a medic and does a brilliant job, and it was only because he's used to being so controlling around me it spilled over to coercion with sex too.

But I didn't want to and he still persisted. I'm not sure if I should say or not, and like so say, I want him to seek help but not to be put on a sex offender's register or lose his job. He's not a stereotypical rapist that way.

But the police said they may take it further if I tell them what happened, even if I don't want to. That scares me. I can't face going to court over that. The other stuff yeah, but not that.

Does anyone know what would happen to him if I went ahead and added it to my list of DV incidents? And especially if there's no proof other than marriage counsellor records and a voice recording of our discussion of it at a later date. I don't want it to go further, I don't want it to go to court, but I do want him to get help so he's the best Dad he can be for the DC.

@AllChange2022

My case is different I think as it happened when I was a kid.

Might be worth calling rape crisis or womens aid who will be able to put you through to an ISVA who will be able to give you impartial advice.

This thread is a very sad read. It sounds like you are taking way too much responsibility for both everything that has happened, and everything that may happen in the future. You seem to feel you are responsible for being raped as you didn't respect yourself enough. Would you say that about any other woman? I'd imagine not, so why are you so different?

If you did decide to report it, it would not be you who decided whether he was charged, or whether he was found guilty at court. I really think you need to consider why you are willing to take the full responsibility for everything, including his appalling behaviour, on your shoulders.

This is very sad.

I think the bottom line is that it's highly unlikely CPS will take the case. The police may or may not pass it to them. The reason why prosecution rates are high is because they take cases with a lot of evidence. The only way your ex will be prospected is on your testimony which you will have to go to court to deliver. Rape is the only crime that can be prosecuted solely on testimony.

The police will interview your ex (they will have to). I was bought in under voluntary interview. All allegations of rape are investigated, I believe it's one of the few crimes that has to be investigated.

If you don't want your ex to go to jail why, and I am not saying you are wrong, are you going to report this? If you just want this to impact on child arrangements you can ask for a finding of fact in which case there will be no criminal repercussions.

This will have implications for your children. Sadly my ex falsely accused me of rape as we went through family court but it was seen as malicious. Now our child is heading for a train wreck - if she ever finds out what has happened she will either think her dad is a rapist or or her mum tried to get her dad sent to jail for rape. It's something I would want to shield her against. It's so dysfunctional and there's nothing I can do about it. .

I hope things start to improve for you AllChange2022.

I have evidence in that he admitted it to 2 different marriage therapists and angrily argued that it wasn't rape and he said sorry and I should get over it and stop bringing it up .

I also have more than one voice recording where he clearly admits exactly what happened in a conversation with me. Again, arguing the problem is me and not him, His reality is normal and mine is not.

Not sure if that's enough evidence?

That's a bit out of my area of expertise. You would definitely need legal advice I suspect his argument will be around inferred consent. To be honest I felt very sad reading about you not being physically able to participate, it didn't seem right.

Whilst it might seem simple to think what rape is (a cup of tea and consent) it can become quite technical and the argument would likely be that you previously inferred consent when you were not able to and he thought he had consent.

It's a really tough decision and I can emphasize I didn't want to puruse my ex for the false allegation because I wasn't sure if our daughter would have forgiven me for that over the long term.

People are very complicated.

Maybe you should try rape crisis as suggested to get some professional feedback.

I think my motivation is twofold; firstly for the protection of the children we share as he is after 50% custody and won't stop. They're not safe with him and one of the things he used to do was try to have sex with me too close to them. Luckily I always refused but it worried me in his best relationship they might walk-in on them and he has this pooch of not telling anyone, so they'd be left alone with it. He also thinks it's fine for young secondary school years to show each other their genitalia as it's what he did in his youth too - in fact he says it went much further than just looking with him. So he isn't all they interested in stopping it. That sort of thing. I thought if he's nailed for this then he wouldn't get that sort of access.

Also for other women. But if I'm honestly mostly for my children.

Hi OP

Hugs for you. It sounds like you're being amazingly strong in very difficult circumstances and doing the best you can for everyone except maybe for you. Who is looking after you?

My friend in similar circumstances did report. She got a lot of support from local sexual assault centre and I would suggest you get in touch with them. After report there was arrest and restraining order so he couldn't go near her.

Kids had supervised contact for a long time while case went to court. Father did receive a custodial sentence and served half as is usual. Kept in touch with kids and then resumed supervised contact after release.

If you would like any further information you are welcome to dm me. I really hope that you will access as much support as possible for yourself. You are taking everything on your shoulders. If your ex can't realise that his behaviour is wrong, that is not your responsibility. You can't protect him from the consequences of his behaviour. Focus on looking after yourself and your children. Take care.

Thank you for your kind message.

Truth is, I'm not holding out much hope with the law. I put this tape down in a non-mole station order without notice, which was denied me. The best day when my solicitor withdrew the case the judge wanted to know why, and when he learned it was because I can't face him knowing I tried, and to live with him for 3 months while we go to court against each other, the judge reconsidered and granted it. But he didn't grant the occupation order though, so we still live together.

If the law was remotely in my favour a judge would have acted differently I feel. So it's majorly put me off reporting it.