Can I report rape without wanting to go to court?

[AllChange2022]

I'm pursuing DV injunction against ex H, for the safety of my children.

I’ve reported everything related to the children but not to me. h raped me last year and I didn't report it. I'm afraid to because I don't want the DC's Dad to be put on the sex offenders register. He's a medic and does a brilliant job, and it was only because he's used to being so controlling around me it spilled over to coercion with sex too.

But I didn't want to and he still persisted. I'm not sure if I should say or not, and like so say, I want him to seek help but not to be put on a sex offender's register or lose his job. He's not a stereotypical rapist that way.

But the police said they may take it further if I tell them what happened, even if I don't want to. That scares me. I can't face going to court over that. The other stuff yeah, but not that.

Does anyone know what would happen to him if I went ahead and added it to my list of DV incidents? And especially if there's no proof other than marriage counsellor records and a voice recording of our discussion of it at a later date. I don't want it to go further, I don't want it to go to court, but I do want him to get help so he's the best Dad he can be for the DC.

Also Wizzywig is right sexual crimes against adults can also attract registration

@BigMamaFratelli

I work in the criminal justice system and although you say you don't have any evidence, the voice recording and the counselling notes would definitely count. You could mention it to the police, but refuse to give any details or a statement. That way it would be logged, but not pursued. Even if the police did interview him, without your cooperation or your evidence the CPS would be unlikely to advise he was charged with it. Also I think the register ladygoingGaga refers to is for suspects who haven't been charged? The one you were thinking of is The Sex Offenders Register and does apply to adults, but only after conviction.

When I was being interviewed (recorded) about the emotional abuse stuff, I handed over a list I'd made from the abuse website. Then halfway through I remembered I'd written the sexual abuse stuff (not the children) and mentioned I wasn't sure or wanted her to read the end. She stopped the recording while we discussed whether they might go ahead without my agreement, and she said they might, it depends on what it is.
That felt like an impasse because unless I told her, she couldn't say yes they would not no they wouldn't, and if I told her then the cats out the bag and i can't put it back in again. So I chose not to, and since then have begun to think maybe I should go back and tell all. I am so undecided. I'm leaning toward mentioning it but not sure about giving my evidence. I don't want him t go to prison and I don't want the children to completely lose their Dad, but to have safeguards in place.

Do you have a local SARC

I was able to anonymously report a sexual assault, the details get passed onto the police but I can refuse to give any evidence
It's kept on his police record without his knowledge and would only be used if there was a pattern of similar behaviour or someone wanting to press charges against him

There is nothing that can force you to report what happen to you, nor should anything.

I get that when he is playing happy families, it's lovely for your boys. What about when he doesn't? It is so damaging for children to have Parental approval that is conditional.

I would protect them from that.

@TomAllenWife

Do you have a local SARC

I was able to anonymously report a sexual assault, the details get passed onto the police but I can refuse to give any evidence
It's kept on his police record without his knowledge and would only be used if there was a pattern of similar behaviour or someone wanting to press charges against him

That seems like a reasonable compromise but it relies on other people coming forward, and it doesn't safeguard the children. Though, where sex is concerned, maybe they don't need that. Or maybe they do. It's. Or knowing that is the burden.

@FinallyHere

There is nothing that can force you to report what happen to you, nor should anything.

I get that when he is playing happy families, it's lovely for your boys. What about when he doesn't? It is so damaging for children to have Parental approval that is conditional.

I would protect them from that.

I feel that going to the police about the emotional abuse is protecting them; I'm getting an injunction and occupational order which I'm hoping will do that.

One of the problems I have is, all this coercion and badgering me... I didn't really see it for what it was until I began having therapy when we went to marriage counselling, and then I began to see things differently. My point about that is, if I* couldn't see it for what it was (unacceptable) then why should I expect him* to have done? Maybe my awakening came earlier than his, and maybe with his apology the next day he suddenly saw the light too? This is my hesitation.

I remember when I suffered it and I read a story in the news about a young nurse who was murdered by her child’s father, a paramedic after she reported him for rape and sexual coercion. It put the fear of God into me so really, not reporting was a survival decision. I don’t want to persuade you not to, but there is an increased risk to you if you do. Be aware of that. I’ll see if I can find the report...

Jane Clough, www.walesonline.co.uk/news/politics/jane-clough-keir-starmer-speech-21710440

I think in the best interest of your children and To offer them the best safeguarding, in your shoes I would ty to find the courage to tell them everything.

That way they have all the information themselves to decide what safeguarding should actually be put in place for all of you, and separately whether there are any charges to be brought. The latter would be my least concern. I don't write the laws, but we are all expected to live by them. He hasn't and any come back for those decisions are on him, not you.

A man who rapes the mother of his children, isn't a good father. He can't teach them how to respect life, and women. He can't give them a morale compass to be guided by. He can't show them how to love their mother. He can't do any of the really important stuff that fathers need to do.

You on the other hand, are now solely accountable for the safety of yourself and your children. Do everything that is within your power to re-establish a happy and healthy life for them, and you.

And one final point, I know you don't want them do not see their dad. But Imagine if they were older and knew what had happened - do you think they would want to see him then? Do you think as adults they would want to call the man that raped and abused their mother, Dad?

Try and look further than the 'now'.

@AthenaPopodopolous

I remember when I suffered it and I read a story in the news about a young nurse who was murdered by her child’s father, a paramedic after she reported him for rape and sexual coercion. It put the fear of God into me so really, not reporting was a survival decision. I don’t want to persuade you not to, but there is an increased risk to you if you do. Be aware of that. I’ll see if I can find the report...

I told my Mum today and she said she was worried he might come after me.

@YoBeaches

I think in the best interest of your children and To offer them the best safeguarding, in your shoes I would ty to find the courage to tell them everything.

That way they have all the information themselves to decide what safeguarding should actually be put in place for all of you, and separately whether there are any charges to be brought. The latter would be my least concern. I don't write the laws, but we are all expected to live by them. He hasn't and any come back for those decisions are on him, not you.

A man who rapes the mother of his children, isn't a good father. He can't teach them how to respect life, and women. He can't give them a morale compass to be guided by. He can't show them how to love their mother. He can't do any of the really important stuff that fathers need to do.

You on the other hand, are now solely accountable for the safety of yourself and your children. Do everything that is within your power to re-establish a happy and healthy life for them, and you.

And one final point, I know you don't want them do not see their dad. But Imagine if they were older and knew what had happened - do you think they would want to see him then? Do you think as adults they would want to call the man that raped and abused their mother, Dad?

Try and look further than the 'now'.

I would be slightly afraid they'd want to know why I couldn't have just had sex with him that day. 😔

OP - would you teach them to think that?

Cos their dad will.

If he's not in their lives, you can teach them properly.

No, k definitely wouldn't. And they're good kids. I can't see them deciding that by themselves. But you have a fair point, and that's my reason for contemplating doing this... for the sake of the children.

@AllChange2022 I reported my childhood sexual abuse and rape with the clear instruction that I didn't want to prosecute. I can, if I want to, go back at a later date if I want to charge my perpetrators.

Thank you for telling me this. I'm sorry it happened to you.

If it's not intrusive, what made you want to report it but not take it any further? I ask that because someone asked me on one of my threads why I would want to tell the police but withhold my evidence. I think if he didn't end up in jail I'd happily tell all. But he's the father of my children and a selfish man who has a lot to learn, but I do think a woman who respects herself would command his respect too. My problem is that I didn't.

@AllChange2022

2 perpetrators - within the family and a ‘family friend’. I don't want to pursue it because I will set off a bomb and I know I couldn't deal with that. Plus I know they'll be other Victims - one abuser now has his own family with a son not much older than mine. I don't want to be responsible for setting off that grenade. Then there's the fear I won't be believed, that the years of abuse and rape will be denied. I still struggle with accepting it and don't think I could manage having the very same abusers denying it. I reported it as a way of validating it.

Also your last point. No. Fucking no. You did nothing to deserve what happened to you. Rape is not about the victim having ‘no respect’. Rape is on the rapist and is about power and violence. Fuck him and all rapists.

I am so sad to hear what happened to you. Once is bad enough, but twice? I can rely understand why you feel you can't set off that bomb - that's how I feel.

I think for me, I rationalise what happened. I have an illness that means I sometimes have literally weeks at a time where I can't function. It can take me 3 months to be able to get back to driving and being out and about again when it happens. In that time I feel like I’ve got the worst flu ever; the sort that renders you incapable of anything other than sleeping all day and you can barely stagger out to the toilet for a pee between bouts of exhausted rest. The sort where you become short of breath when you try to talk, and can't even hold any concentration to read or watch tv.

But in those time I’ve allowed him to have sex with me. I figured that even if I can barely participate, it can sometimes feel pleasant, a bit like a back massage (but I don't get those). He was always over in a few minutes which is the sort of sex I wanted when I was well - less exhausting! We never had that exploring each other for an hour type sex, always a 3 minute shag ending in climax. I mean, I wanted that too, just a means to an end to reach orgasm. So I decided that when I'm ill and can't orgasm, he still can, and I don't mind just having that massaged feeling. I wasn't well enough for sex but I allowed him to approach me because I felt guilty for being ill and didn't want to deprive him of sex for all that length of time. So it became normal for us to have sex at his pleasure and my expense. That's why I feel partly responsible too. If I hadn't normalised this, he might not have had that outlook.

Trigger warning:* please read no further if you may be triggered* **

So this one time I actually said no, I'm not up for it. I'd been in therapy for childhood rape, and was beginning to see sex differently - I wanted more self respect and to be free to have more autonomy over my own body. And that was the time he badgered me and badgered me until I asked him^ if he sees me as someone whose purpose is to service^ him? And his response was for me to bend over and just let him take me from behind, and I'll enjoy it. And I did, because we were away from home and I was exhausted, and I couldn't bear the idea he would be sullen and sulky all night and for the long journey home the next day. But I didn't participate at all: I buried my head in my arm and didn't move. It triggered me to go back to the childhood rape^ in my mind^ as I waited for him to finish, and the heaviness between us the rest of the night was tangible. I felt used and dirty and weak for not continuing saying no, and pushing him away like a normal grown woman should. Instead, I 'consented', but of course it wasn't actually consent because it was under duress. At the time it felt like a grey area, especially given our history of me not getting anything from sex. The next morning he apologised to me and said what he did to me last night was not okay and will never happen again.

So after an event like this, how can I force him to court, to go to prison for rape, and be put on the sex offenders register? Would that even happen? And if it didn't, he'd hate me forever after that. I don't know if I can face it either!

How do you feel about this person now?
Are you still together?

We live in the same house but getting divorced. Nothing to do with this even. Why do you ask?

@AllChange2022

To be clear the sexual assault happened between the ages of 7 and 14. It stopped when the first left home and the second was jailed.

@AllChange2022

He knows what he did was wrong. His attitude towards you all the time is wrong. You bring unwell does not give him the right to simply use you as a cum bucket. He sounds entitled. You were coerced into sex and he knows this.

Are you still with him? Sorry if you've already replied to this question.

@AllChange2022

Ah sorry just read below. You can report to police if you feel up to it and you have no obligation to pursue further.

@AllChange2022

I rang 101, told them what happened and then I had the sex crimes division contact me to arrange an app. Just in case, I did find the whole thing clinical and sadly they were quite up to the task of dealing with my situation in an empathetic manner. For example asking questions like - and when do you 'think' this happened? (101 operator). I picked her up on this and in fairness she apologised. I was also taken to an official room at the police station which made me feel like I had done something wrong - again I picked them up on this - we moved rooms.

Weren't quite up to the task that should read!

It's interesting that they allowed you to make the report but take it no further. I specifically asked whether it would go further or not, regardless of whether i wanted it to or not, and they said it might... depends on what it is.