Can I report rape without wanting to go to court?

[AllChange2022]

I'm pursuing DV injunction against ex H, for the safety of my children.

I’ve reported everything related to the children but not to me. h raped me last year and I didn't report it. I'm afraid to because I don't want the DC's Dad to be put on the sex offenders register. He's a medic and does a brilliant job, and it was only because he's used to being so controlling around me it spilled over to coercion with sex too.

But I didn't want to and he still persisted. I'm not sure if I should say or not, and like so say, I want him to seek help but not to be put on a sex offender's register or lose his job. He's not a stereotypical rapist that way.

But the police said they may take it further if I tell them what happened, even if I don't want to. That scares me. I can't face going to court over that. The other stuff yeah, but not that.

Does anyone know what would happen to him if I went ahead and added it to my list of DV incidents? And especially if there's no proof other than marriage counsellor records and a voice recording of our discussion of it at a later date. I don't want it to go further, I don't want it to go to court, but I do want him to get help so he's the best Dad he can be for the DC.

I think you have to think very carefully about formally reporting your ex and your child’s father for rape. You would end up being called as a witness. It would be so damaging to the relationship with his children.
I’m sorry to say but so many women are raped or coerced into sex by partners, husbands or men they think they love.
Would the damage to you by reporting not be far more traumatic? It would become public knowledge. Would social services get involved? Would it damage you mentally by having to be a witness? Would it blow the two families apart and destroy relationship between your child and paternal family?
On the other hand, what will you gain by reporting if you don’t want to go to Court?
Been there OP twice and it’s not worth it. Just leave the man though permanently.
I hate to say but I think men can be overcome by sexual needs and though I despise coercion and rape, I think it would do you more harm to report it rather than make peace with it in your own mind.
Sorry, it’s not a popular view but one I’ve grappled with myself like you.

Have you heard of the freedom programme? It sounds like you would benefit from this. I hope you come to a decision that’s best for you

@AllChange2022

And to make matters worse, I probably confused him because I didn't mind all that much, until that one time it felt he really overstepped the mark.

The rape was not your fault op. You say you don't blame women when they are raped but are blaming yourself for being raped by your husband, give yourself the same kindness and objectivity you would give any other rape victim. He knew what he did was rape, he's admitted it, it was not your fault. Nor was any other abuse he committed against you. Please also try and reframe your mindset around your children's contact with their father. The "when he's nice to them he's amazing" doesn't make his abuse of them acceptable, this mindset will carry on with them to adulthood and put them at risk of being in an abusive relationship, either as the victim or the perpetrator. Please do look into counselling and the freedom project.

"..and I got used to being badgered and didn't complain, until this once, when I felt I made it clearer I wasn't up for it and he went ahead then apologised the next day and said that wasn't right and when will never do that again..And what makes it worse is I have an illness that has meant I’ve been, let's say, 'open for business' when I can't climax or enjoy it like I want to because I'm too ill, but I’ve made myself available and joined in as much as I could, for the sake of the marriage."

OP you've been making yourself "available" for him to satisfy himself. What sort of man would want to satisfy himself in/on the body of a woman who is unable to enjoy sex? Honestly, I have been sexually assaulted by doctors when I was ill. They're not all angels. Yours is one who can't even recognise the humanity in the woman he's supposed to love and cherish more than any in the whole world. He is definitely not a good person and I would never, ever want to be alone in a room as a vulnerable patient with him.

I don't know whether it's best to report or not. But please don't kid yourself that it was a "one off". He - as someone who is supposed to be in a "caring profession" - was happy to use your body indefinitely, knowing you couldn't find pleasure in it (and presumably also understanding, unlike most men, in detail why).

Have you told his medical regulator? A rapist shouldn't be allowed to practise freely. The fact that you're his wife shouldn't change that!

@ladygoingGaga

I’m a cop. The chances of it going to court without your willingness to testify is very low, if you report it there will be a police crime report. They need you to make a statement to have a chance of taking it to court. All you need to do is tell the police he raped you, an approx date. That’s it, they have a duty to record it, but without any details from you they would struggle to even arrest him.

Whilst I understand with at other posters are saying, you need to do what’s right for you.

I'm a cop too and agree with the above

However, if you report it - it has to be crimed. Following this, they will have to assess any risk, harm or threat to yourself and others by him (especially in his profession) so they may still interview him and start an investigation and put safeguarding in place.

They can not force you to provide a statement or attend a medical etc etc - but we might no be able to just log it as such.

@AthenaPopodopolous

I think you have to think very carefully about formally reporting your ex and your child’s father for rape. You would end up being called as a witness. It would be so damaging to the relationship with his children. I’m sorry to say but so many women are raped or coerced into sex by partners, husbands or men they think they love. Would the damage to you by reporting not be far more traumatic? It would become public knowledge. Would social services get involved? Would it damage you mentally by having to be a witness? Would it blow the two families apart and destroy relationship between your child and paternal family? On the other hand, what will you gain by reporting if you don’t want to go to Court? Been there OP twice and it’s not worth it. Just leave the man though permanently. I hate to say but I think men can be overcome by sexual needs and though I despise coercion and rape, I think it would do you more harm to report it rather than make peace with it in your own mind. Sorry, it’s not a popular view but one I’ve grappled with myself like you.

I'm sorry you went though this. Did you report it and experience the awful fallout for the children?

I'm thinking that there's already an awful fallout with the domestic abuse allegations and occupational order when it comes through any day. I will never be forgiven for that.

If you asked what purpose is it for, I suppose i'll be thinking about my children again. One of the things he used to do was want to have sex close to them (uncomfortably close) and I always refused, and went somewhere with at least two closed doors between us or on a separate level of the house. If he were to seek a sexual relationship with someone else and the children walking on it, he is likely to do what he always does when he wants to hide, and that is say don't tell mum and keep it to yourself. Nothing to see here. I'm wondering how damaging that might be for them. Also, eldest son is very hormonal and has an awful lot of erections which I would worry about whether they might be handled in the right way - I wouldn't want him to be humiliated or ostracised but correctly lead through what is a normal growing process and he just needs to be guided in the correct social acceptable behaviours. If Husband isn't always behaving correctly around sex himself, how can he guide my children? The same goes with his use of porn and I worry that him exposing children to gaming which is way above their ages, may lead him also exposing them to inappropriate explicit material too. He hasn't, but my worry is he could. I suppose the point is, I would hate to miss a trick here and then regret safeguarding them appropriately. Could be nothing ever comes of it, but it's a sliding doors thing and I just don't know.

@Felix125 would they want to do a medical as it was last year?

I'm beginning to feel I might be willing to testify if they want to take it to court. I'm so undecided. I have been thinking about trying to weigh up the safety of the children being around him versus having him cut off forever, which would be a terrible loss for them. Especially if they only get 'good Dad' because he misses them.

If he got convicted would he go to prison? It's a silly question isn't it. Would he ever be able to see the children again, I suppose is what I'm wondering.

I hate to say but I think men can be overcome by sexual needs

What an appalling and misguided thing to say.

I have heard of the freedom programme and went to their website. I think it's only online for £12 course? Is that the one you mean? I might be thinking of something else.

Have you told his medical regulator? A rapist shouldn't be allowed to practise freely.

The GMC will only be interested if it goes to the press and it's widely known there's footage of him admitting it. Then it's possible they could be very interested.

Really sorry for everything you’re going through, it must be absolute hell worrying about how it will effect the kids and trying to protect them from the fall out etc.

I suppose one thing you could consider if whilst you’re trying to protect your kids and give them access to the father they already know and love, you have to consider how they might feel as adults when / if they hear the truth.

I don’t know that having access to their dad growing up would compensate for finding out the full extent of what he did to you when they are adults.

Unfortunately I think you have some really hard decisions to make but don’t ever feel like taking an abusive man out of your kids life is the wrong thing. As hard as they might find it at first.

I am sorry that he raped you. I am actually more freaked out that he specifically wanted to have sex near the children. Exposing children to inappropriate sexual content is actually a form of child sexual abuse.

I don't think a medic who would behave like this in his personal life can be trusted with vulnerable people in his professional life. I don't have the OP's confidence there is no overlap.

not a stereotypical rapist

No such thing. He is a rapist. By knowing henis and doing nothing you are enabling him to do it to someone else.

Report him.

OP I have spent many years working with sexual offending, he raped you and given your statements about going along with things for his benefit and him badgering you he has definitely coerced you more than once. A huge red flag for me is his desire to have sex near the children in addition to the pornography use you have alluded to, not a concern in itself but along with the other things, and that you are concerned he doesn't have appropriate boundaries around explicit content and your children, this just gives me a feeling I get in a professional capacity about some cases. The potential for serious further offending is there, the imminent and likelihood of that increases when he has unsupervised contact with your children.
Sexual offending is often as much about power as anything else, he's lost his over you.
If you report and give a statement, it will be crimed and investigated. If you report but give no detail or may still be investigated sure to safeguarding concerns. The fact you have audio of him discussing it and a therapist willing to give a statement, really adds to your case.
It also doesn't mean he will never see the children again, it means safeguarding measures and risk assessments will take place to facilitate that if contact is appropriate.

I work in the criminal justice system and although you say you don't have any evidence, the voice recording and the counselling notes would definitely count.
You could mention it to the police, but refuse to give any details or a statement. That way it would be logged, but not pursued. Even if the police did interview him, without your cooperation or your evidence the CPS would be unlikely to advise he was charged with it.
Also I think the register ladygoingGaga refers to is for suspects who haven't been charged? The one you were thinking of is The Sex Offenders Register and does apply to adults, but only after conviction.

@nocoolnamesleft

I am sorry that he raped you. I am actually more freaked out that he specifically wanted to have sex near the children. Exposing children to inappropriate sexual content is actually a form of child sexual abuse.

He never played it that he wanted to risk then finding us, more that he felt he was invincible and it never would happen, but it stood a high chance of it happening, which is why I refused to go along with it and insisted we go to a different floor of the house or between two shut doors so we'd hear them in good time. I don't believe he wanted to have them find us, he'd probably be horrified, but he just liked the danger of the idea we could get caught (that was one of his reasons love loving sex outdoors).

I work in the CJS, I have rapists who are on the sex offenders register for.crimes to adult victims

Thank for for this, @JurgensCakeBabyJesus

I do feel that it's important to us all that as long as the children want access, he can still see them. But when I told them yesterday it might be supervised to keep the children safe, they LOVED that idea , which made me feel even worse. They didn't love it from the point of view of sexual abuse, because that's never taken place thankfully, but from fear of his anger if they are honest with social services about how he's been with them emotional abuse wise.

Do convicted rapists get to visit children? Wouldn't their childhood be over by the time he's released? I couldn't bear the idea of him being in prison and getting picked on by other prisoners for being a sex offender. He's a meek and mid-mannered man who would not survive.

If you look up your local sexual assault referral clinic, they will help you, tell you your options AND take an anonymous report from you. This information is passed on to the police.

Thank you for the clarity over the sex offenders register.

@SummerHouse

If you look up your local sexual assault referral clinic, they will help you, tell you your options AND take an anonymous report from you. This information is passed on to the police.

In a way it would probably be pointless anonymising it because I'm the only one who has accused him in from of a therapist of rape last year. His family also know I accused him but didn't take it anywhere, and they hate me for the accusation, calling me toxic.

Your later posts about him emotionally abusing your children chilled me

He is a rapist and an abuser and you need to make sure you do what is needed to keep any future contact with them safe

Please do report it. The evidence you have is enough and needs to be shared

So sorry you have had to go through this

Some do if the offence was against an adult and risk assessments have been made and appropriate measures put in place for contact.

Sentencing guidelines for rape have a starting point of 4 years custody with various aggravating factors and other things affecting it. The maximum is life but wouldn't apply in this situation, and I promise I am not minimising your experience at all by saying that. He would serve half of any custodial term in prison, there are some prisons that have high populations of sexual offenders and in mainstream sexual offenders are kept away from most of the prison population especially those who offend violently.
The term 'nonce' for example came from the acronym for not on normal communal exercise ie keep away from the general prison population due to risk to themselves from the other prisoners. It was worked out while quickly by inmates that this usually referred to sex offenders.
However for any sentence there needs to be a conviction, that's a long way ahead, you making a report now doesn't automatically lead to that and you can set a later stage say you are not longer willing to support prosecution. With no biological evidence and no statement from you it may well get dropped at that point, but would stay on his police Intel.