Ex-husband wants 50/50 split of care of baby

[Kate896]

My husband and I have recently split. We have a 7 month old baby. He is currently in my care the majority of the time and my husband has him overnight 1 night per week.

I have asked for him to pay child maintenance but he has refused based on the fact that he wants care of a baby split 50/50.

He proposed that I go back to work full time and he looks after baby most of the time and I pay him child maintenance which of course I do not want. He said as a minimum he wants him 50/50.

What can I do? I know he is entitled to the care split equally but surely for a baby this young it's in the baby's best interests to be with his mother most of the time? How do I get him to pay child maintenance? I am on maternity for another 3 months.
Is it a case of going through the courts if we do not agree?

So he doesn't want to work but he wants you to go to work and pay him to look after the baby? Nope. Why can't he get a job?

This sounds a bit mad and like he’s just trying it on. I agree 7 months is too young for 50/50- are you breastfeeding? Id get some legal advice on likely outcomes if you went to court. Xo

It is in a baby's best interests to have a secure and loving relationship with both parents.
Not what you want to hear, but 50:50 seems very reasonable to me. Good to hear that your little one's Dad wants to be fully involved.

He is self employed. He works from home in his office.

No I'm not breastfeeding. I have looked after our baby the vast majority of the time and have done every night shift since he was born. Not that that makes any difference legally.

God I never fail to be surprised at the selfishness of these men. If you called his bluff he’d be trying to stuff the baby in a dog bed and continue working.

If he took it to court he would likely get 50:50.

I would ask him to draw up a plan to work out moving from 1 might per week out to 50:50 over 3 months and in the MW time he needs to pay maintenance. I suggest you phone CMS urgently and get the ball rolling.

He may well decide 50:50 isn't for him once the reality of that care becomes apparent.

He’s not entitled to 50/50. Your baby isn’t property. The law says that if it goes to court the decision would be based on the child’s best interests. It would depend on the individual circumstances but it often isn’t thought to be in a baby’s best interests to be away from their established carer and attachment figure for 50% of the time. If you think that the issue of child maintenance has prompted this then it doesn’t sound like your ex is very child focused. If you don’t agree then you should really go to mediation and would probably have to do so first before going to court.

Maybe just go back to work? Do not ask him for anything, when baby goes to dads he will have clothes and food there. When he’s with you have clothes and food! What’s wrong eorh 50/50? If he doesn’t do it keep the evidence then tell the court? Never get what the big deal is prove he doesn’t do 50:50 and he won’t het 50;50

There are studies that dhow 50/50 in under threes is not advised as they need to have a main parent a main home it gives them emotional security

Seriously what is wrong with doing what's in the child's best interests for once why does it have to be 50/50 because that's what the parents want

For the maintenance just apply through cms. He will probably then go to court. I would preempt that by suggesting a slight increase in time eg every second weekend, and see how he copes.
I do think good dads should get 50/50 but not at small baby age, and he just sounds like he’s trying it on.

@Theunamedcat

There are studies that dhow 50/50 in under threes is not advised as they need to have a main parent a main home it gives them emotional security

Seriously what is wrong with doing what's in the child's best interests for once why does it have to be 50/50 because that's what the parents want

Do you have details of these studies and where I can find them? I will pass them to him to read. Thank you.

50/50 is NOT reasonable and never has been. It's often just used as a tool by abusive men to punish their ex partners

Children fare better with a main base - usually with their mother - and nothing will dissuade me from that. Of course, fostering a proper relationship with the father is to be encouraged and this is something to be worked out.

Tell this lazy oaf to get a proper job and then you'll discuss what a fair split may be. Make sure you have proper legal advice too

100% agree with @PandaP0p

Be VERY careful. If he is self employed he will wiggle out of paying CMS anyway (they always do). I'd personally call his bluff. Say "yeah, 50/50 no problem" ... then see if he actually goes for it after giving it a try for a bit. Right now you have NOTHING to lose. You could find yourself doing 90% of the childcare, and no CMS anyway cause of the "self employed wriggle room... ". Stay strong. You can get through this. Sending hugs.

Hurrah for studies! Get a hold of them and offer him increased contact in the best interests of DC.

I'm sure if you mention looking forward to time to improve your social life, get fit at the gym as well as working he will suddenly not be keen...

If care is divided 50:50, nobody pays anybody maintenance because you are doing equal shares! I doubt he's realised that. Nasty shock in store.

If he thought about it for five minutes he'd realise he wouldn't be being paid by you to do his half if he isn't paying you to do yours!

Completely disagree with @PandaP0p and @sandybeaches74

XH and I share DC 50:50 and it works well, we are all very happy with the arrangement. I'm sure DS would like us to live together but he has two stable homes and parents that love him and spend great time with him

Great to see a child that both parents want 50% of the time. Sounds great to me

I am going through this myself, but my stbxh split in pregnancy and we had an older DC. He wanted 5050 from two weeks old. Needless to say she is now 10 months and has yet to stay overnight. She goes regularly for ever increasing periods, she will stay overnight In the next few weeks. I am back at work and he has recently started taking her (well, his mum watches her when he is present) for a day. He sees her every Saturday on top.

Stay strong. Let him start legal proceedings, it takes a very long time. Mine has threatened and threatened and its yet to materialise. I absolutely do not agree with children being treated as property, and I agree that they need one secure base with a competent parent with regular access to the other built up at a pace that suits the child. 5050 would not work with my ex, he can barely get my son to school on time the one day he has responsibility for and that's with only one child. In my case it is a control and ownership issue with him.

If you don't believe it's best then stick fo your belief in what you're doing is right for your child. Come up with a contact agreement either privately or mediation. I review ours every 6 weeks as young ones change so much so quickly.

Best of luck, it's a nightmare.

Is it just me who thinks this thread has been invaded? 🤔

I know a situation like this and everyone said the father wanted 50 / 50 to avoid paying maintenance, but doubted he would keep it up with twins of 6 months .give him his due 3 years later and he has stuck to it . And the children seem fine . I think it’s great IF they genuinely want to be part of the children’s life . People moan if they do the opposite.

In a world where we want equality why can't non abusive men have 50/50 or even go for full custody?
We say about being with one main caregiver but have no issues putting a child in nursery from 8-6 ?
Of course as mums we want our children full time but we shouldn't be surprised that some men also want their children full time

@Kite22

It is in a baby's best interests to have a secure and loving relationship with both parents. Not what you want to hear, but 50:50 seems very reasonable to me. Good to hear that your little one's Dad wants to be fully involved.

And you are an expert in what way exactly?!

It’s not usual to split baby or toddler time 50/50. Generally it’s too unsettling for small kids.

If you don’t think it’s best for your child OP, then organise a solicitor and proceed that way. Your ex sounds like he’s being an arse. He needs to pay maintenance, and when the baby is older you can talk about 50/50.

When I left my son's father, exH he suddenly decided he wanted 50/50 which was laughable seeing as he'd never done a night feed, bath, nappy change etc. Our son was 2 1/2 when I finally came to my senses and issued divorce proceedings on grounds of DV.
I was advised that courts take a very dimmed view on parents who can't agree their own child arrangements and so through my solicitor we suggested every other weekend, Friday evening until Sunday evening and then from nursery pick up twice a week for tea. ExH argued and argued still for 50/50 and threatened court proceedings. I stuck to my guns, I felt that due to his lack of input in our son's life up to that point his relationship with him needed to be built on but that at age 2 1/2 he needed one permanent home most of the time. At the 11th hour he finally agreed...I put it to him that as our son got older then we could increase this and split school holidays etc. Funnily enough when it actually came to school holidays I was told that he couldn't possibly have him because he didn't get enough annual leave...when I suggested paid holidays clubs etc he was speechless 🤣. Long story short, show that you are being reasonable, show that you feel that your plan is in your baby's best interests and try and work it out between you. I ended up with a massive legal bill because of ExH playing solicitors' letter tennis and my son is now 16 and never sees his dad, through his own choice!