Page 9 | Ex-husband wants 50/50 split of care of baby

Kate896 · 2021-11-18T22:47:30+00:00

My husband and I have recently split. We have a 7 month old baby. He is currently in my care the majority of the time and my husband has him overnight 1 night per week. I have asked for him to pay child maintenance but he has refused based on the fact that he wants care of a baby split 50/50. He proposed that I go back to work full time and he looks after baby most of the time and I pay him child maintenance which of course I do not want. He said as a minimum he wants him 50/50. What can I do? I know he is entitled to the care split equally but surely for a baby this young it's in the baby's best interests to be with his mother most of the time? How do I get him to pay child maintenance? I am on maternity for another 3 months. Is it a case of going through the courts if we do not agree?

Robin233 · 20/11/2021 15:29

It was every other weekend for our children, on both sides.
50 50 was not common back then.
I believe that a child should have a secure base (resident parent). I'd be interested ti see how adult children who experienced 50/50 felt.
I also think you're right ti factor in school. It'll come round sooner than you think.
On another note (my ex worked all hours) how will work and look adhere dd? Pay a child minder? May as well let you look after dd and pay you ( maintenance).
I found that the way forward was putting the child / children first.
What do you think is best for dd?
That's your answer. And then stick to your guns and it work.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2021 16:42

@Kate896

Don't give ground. The more he sees baby, the more court will grant. I said uorhread but it's much harder to claw back custody than to give it.

Ignore the equality obsessives. This is a 7 month old not a 7 year old. You're the primary caregiver; split custody 50/50 is not in baby's interest, nor is it fair to you (hormones, attachment, the visceral pain many mothers feel if parted from their babies). Your ex is used to not being around baby, baby is used to it too; baby isn't used to being away from you.

No court will grant him 50/50. It's a shame you're not breastfeeding though. I plan to feed at night until mine is 2, so my ex (we're good friends now) won't expect him overnight. I've said he can have him for a weekend or couple of days together when DS is old enough to understand that he will see mummy soon and call me if he wants/needs. My ex is happy with this because - crucially - he cares about our baby's wellbeing more than his own and doesn't want to get one up on me.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2021 16:48

@CaroleFuckingBaskin

50/50

The baby is young and perfectly able to be raised equally by both parents.

Gosh I feel sorry for so many decent fathers out there who are denied an equal input in the child's upbringing.

Yes there are some deadbeat dads out there but this is not the majority

My ex has equal input without having equal custody. We talk daily, we FaceTime daddy during bath time or dinner, we make decisions together about DS. However, DS (13 mo) isn't being dragged across two homes. He has his home with me and daddy comes over two evenings a week to see, play, feed, bath, cuddle etc. then for a good chunk on the weekend. He has a wonderful relationship with his father but he's too young to be away from me overnight at the moment and his dad is onboard because it's not about him, it's about our child.

FreeBritnee · 20/11/2021 17:06

My ex has equal input without having equal custody. We talk daily, we FaceTime daddy during bath time or dinner, we make decisions together about DS. However, DS (13 mo) isn't being dragged across two homes. He has his home with me and daddy comes over two evenings a week to see, play, feed, bath, cuddle etc. then for a good chunk on the weekend. He has a wonderful relationship with his father but he's too young to be away from me overnight at the moment and his dad is onboard because it's not about him, it's about our child.

Lovely post. You need to centre the child at all times.

Robin233 · 20/11/2021 17:33

@roarfeckingroarr
That's the kicker.
My ex cares more about his child's interests than his own.
That's what got us through this.
At the end of the day WE both put the children first.
Such lovely posts in this.
30 years on and it had paid off.

Strangevipers · 20/11/2021 17:36

He has equal right to see his child 50/50

End of story

madisonbridges · 20/11/2021 19:07

@Kate896
This situation would be where the baby doesn't not see their mother for 3 consecutive nights. It's different. Like PP have said, if the baby has been used to one caregiver this would be traumatic for them.

I think it would be more traumatic to you than the baby. Your son knows his father. Yes, you might be better at soothing, but your ex will learn. The problem is there will never be a point when you think your ex will be as a good a parent as you. You will always consider yourself the main caregiver and your ex shouldn't have equal time.

It's not that I don't have sympathy with your position because I most definitely do. Like you I wouldn't want my child to leave me 50% of the time. I just that I know my husband wouldn't want to be without his children 50% of the time either, and I consider us both equal in status and in importance to a child's life.

FreeBritnee · 20/11/2021 19:28

@Strangevipers

He has equal right to see his child 50/50

End of story

Possibly. The court needs to decide.

Original poster

Kate896 · 20/11/2021 19:43

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate your advice and opinions.

I'm sure as the weeks go on I will get used to DS being away for one night a week. And more importantly, baby DS will get used to it too. So I guess we can work up to 50/50 in the end. It's all early days and a period of adjustment is required.

Do you know what, the issue of the child maintenance seems so insignificant to me now! I just want to do the right thing for DS. It's hard to know for a baby isn't it because they can't communicate their feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kate896 · 20/11/2021 19:46

And one thing I've learnt from this thread is there are no 'mother rights' or 'father rights', it's what is right for the baby. Need to keep my mind on that track only!!

OP posts:

Strangevipers · 20/11/2021 20:01

@FreeBritnee

"Possibly. The court needs to decide"

Wouldn't it be wonderful if adults who were apparently mature enough to have a child could sort our child arrangement themselves instead of clogging up the courts when there is no risk to the child

Being the mother doesn't automatically make you judge and jury. It's very simple try 50/50 , if it doesn't work try something else !

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2021 20:11

@Strangevipers

He has equal right to see his child 50/50

End of story

If by "right" you mean legally, no he doesn't.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2021 20:13

Thanks @FreeBritnee @Robin233 .I've spent a lovely day with DS and his daddy. His dad left at 4pm having been here since 9am. They've had a wonderful day together, I joined them for lunch and the park. ExH doesn't need to take him overnight to have a close relationship.

FreeBritnee · 20/11/2021 20:23

[quote Strangevipers]@FreeBritnee

"Possibly. The court needs to decide"

Wouldn't it be wonderful if adults who were apparently mature enough to have a child could sort our child arrangement themselves instead of clogging up the courts when there is no risk to the child

Being the mother doesn't automatically make you judge and jury. It's very simple try 50/50 , if it doesn't work try something else ! [/quote]
None of this stuff is ‘very simple’ which is why it either ends up in mediation or court.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2021 20:27

There is no such thing as a father's right to 5050 with a baby.

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2021 20:30

I cannot stress enough the importance of not letting the status quo being more access than mothers are happy with, because courts look at that after the child's welfare. And a tiny baby being wrenched from their primary caregiver is never in the child's best interest.

BillMasen · 20/11/2021 20:35

@roarfeckingroarr

I cannot stress enough the importance of not letting the status quo being more access than mothers are happy with, because courts look at that after the child's welfare. And a tiny baby being wrenched from their primary caregiver is never in the child's best interest.

Mum is the gatekeeper to access? It’s what she decides that matters?

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2021 20:42

I'm not debating the morals: I'm advising the OP.

BillMasen · 20/11/2021 20:45

@roarfeckingroarr

I'm not debating the morals: I'm advising the OP.

And I am debating the morals.

I think I see your position

Gliderx · 20/11/2021 20:46

It's what is best for the baby that matters. Mum and dad may have different views on that. If they can't reach a compromise, the court will have to decide.

TraceyLacey · 20/11/2021 21:33

I'm amazed by this thread, why is it so argumentative? Doesn't feel like MN.

madisonbridges · 20/11/2021 22:33

And a tiny baby being wrenched from their primary caregiver

🙄 🤭

Strangevipers · 20/11/2021 23:29

@roarfeckingroarr

🤦🏾‍♀️

Strangevipers · 20/11/2021 23:31

@FreeBritnee

"None of this stuff is ‘very simple’ which is why it either ends up in mediation or court."
Mediation and or court should not be the default

It's very simple try 50/50 , if it doesn't work try something else

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2021 06:01

@roarfeckingroarr

I cannot stress enough the importance of not letting the status quo being more access than mothers are happy with, because courts look at that after the child's welfare. And a tiny baby being wrenched from their primary caregiver is never in the child's best interest.

Wrenched ? For goodness sake. You’re talking about a baby being with it’s father.

And unless there is an undisclosed back story the court absolutely will give the father equal rights as the mother. Which includes custody.

The mother is not some how more deserving. And she’s only the primary care giver now, it doesn’t mean she has to be tomorrow.

Some of these posts are just silly. Wrenched from the primary care giver !