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Original poster

Ex-husband wants 50/50 split of care of baby

242 replies

Kate896 · 18/11/2021 22:47

My husband and I have recently split. We have a 7 month old baby. He is currently in my care the majority of the time and my husband has him overnight 1 night per week.

I have asked for him to pay child maintenance but he has refused based on the fact that he wants care of a baby split 50/50.

He proposed that I go back to work full time and he looks after baby most of the time and I pay him child maintenance which of course I do not want. He said as a minimum he wants him 50/50.

What can I do? I know he is entitled to the care split equally but surely for a baby this young it's in the baby's best interests to be with his mother most of the time? How do I get him to pay child maintenance? I am on maternity for another 3 months.
Is it a case of going through the courts if we do not agree?

OP posts:
Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 19/11/2021 14:45

I share my older 5 children 50/50 with their dad but i and them still see me as the main parent,outdated or not, mums are more important 🤷🏻‍♀️

BillMasen · 19/11/2021 14:46

@titchy

I respectfully disagree and believe around 6,7,8,9 months is fine. Provided both parents love the child, offer stability, routine and loving parenting, then why not establish that equal bond early Because babies that age haven't developed the concept of object permanence. In their heads, once mum has gone from sight she has gone forever. That concept starts to develop around a year, and by 2 assuming their attachments are secure, they might miss a parent, but they will know that the parent will return.
Again, with respect, you’re coming at this from the base that the relationship with mum is paramount. When it’s secure you can let dad try a bit, and that’s ok as the child knows mums coming back

Why does mum bring “gone” have more impact than “dad” being gone. It only does if the care isn’t bdlnced to start with. Early (ish) 50:50 allows child and both parents to build early bonds.

Interested in these studies being quoted. Anyone have any links? Always open to listen to science

BillMasen · 19/11/2021 14:47

@Foxglovesandlilacs86

I share my older 5 children 50/50 with their dad but i and them still see me as the main parent,outdated or not, mums are more important 🤷🏻‍♀️
Mums are more important

There we have it

No mistaking your feelings on the subject is there

BillMasen · 19/11/2021 14:49

@Larryyourwaiter

The fact he has asked for CM is everything to me. All this reads it’s about money, not what’s best for the child. I’ll look after him, I won’t spend any money on childcare, and you pay me. I’d keep suggesting he does the odd extra night see how he gets on with no sleep.

I actually do know someone who did a 50/50 with older children, but they still got on well and were extremely flexible with each other. It seemed an ideal split

Did you see in the opening post “how do I get him to pay maintenance”?

Feels like that may be a driver of objecting to 50:50?

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 15:06

@BillMasen. “Offer” a trial

Yet again, mum is the real parent, the custodian, generously offering to let dad care for his own child

Well, yes, in this case it would be "offering" a trial as the present status quo is that mum does practically everything for the baby. So mum would be "offering" to change the status quo and trial new arrangements. Nothing objectionable about that, just mum saying to dad "You want something different to what we currently have. Let's give it a go and see if it works".

I agree with some part of what you say about women not 'gatekeeping' access to children and allowing men to step up and parent equally, but you do your argument no favours by being so pernickety.

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 15:07

Also, if dad had been an involved parent from the start, there would be no need to 'trial' arrangements which involve him having sole care of the baby for an extended period. As it is, he hasn't been that involved so far in caring for this baby.

TheWatersofMarch · 19/11/2021 15:20

I think the Court would want to work towards 50/50 and would want a plan for increasing amount of contact with him with this end in mind. They would recognise that a jump to 50/50 immediately is not in your baby's interests, but they would want to give baby the opportunity to become attached to your ex. They would also want to see that you and ex can co-operate with routines etc All I can say is that I don't think that many men are aware of the reality of looking after small children. The risk is that he eventually gets 50% then arses around, unreliable, chops and changes etc Good luck OP, our connection to our small babies is visceral isn't it.

titchy · 19/11/2021 15:33

Again, with respect, you’re coming at this from the base that the relationship with mum is paramount. When it’s secure you can let dad try a bit, and that’s ok as the child knows mums coming back

Because in this specific case the mother is the primary carer. In the vast majority of cases with babies under a year old, and a good majority of babies between 1 and 2 years old the mother is the primary carer.

So yes, where the mother is the primary carer, the baby's relationship to her IS paramount. Which is why I come at from that base.

I'm sorry that offends your politically correct sensibilities, but there you, biology's a bitch as is child development and the parental leave choices people make.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 15:34

@titchy

Again, with respect, you’re coming at this from the base that the relationship with mum is paramount. When it’s secure you can let dad try a bit, and that’s ok as the child knows mums coming back

Because in this specific case the mother is the primary carer. In the vast majority of cases with babies under a year old, and a good majority of babies between 1 and 2 years old the mother is the primary carer.

So yes, where the mother is the primary carer, the baby's relationship to her IS paramount. Which is why I come at from that base.

I'm sorry that offends your politically correct sensibilities, but there you, biology's a bitch as is child development and the parental leave choices people make.

But you’re missing the point. Fathers can be th primary carer, plenty are. He wants to be fifty fifty, no court is going to say he’s incapable as he’s a bloke.
Gliderx · 19/11/2021 15:35

Also he told me to move out with our baby son. He is carrying on living in the big 4 bed detached house because "that's where his office is". I have had to move out with our baby son. I've had the upheaval of a move while nothing changes for him. Goodness I sound bitter don't I! I'm not, I'm just highlighting the fact that I am not being 'kept'.

What is the long-term plan, OP? Why did you agree to move out and will the house need to be sold in the divorce or can he buy you out?

roarfeckingroarr · 19/11/2021 15:50

@Bluntness100 fathers can be but this father hasn't been

BillMasen · 19/11/2021 15:51

@titchy

If you feel my advocating for dads as equal parents is politically correct sensibilities then I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree

BillMasen · 19/11/2021 15:52

[quote roarfeckingroarr]**@Bluntness100* fathers can* be but this father hasn't been[/quote]
Yet
He wants to be equal, and many on here are saying either mums are more important so he shouldn’t, or he’ll be incapable, or he’s only doing it to save money.

None of which are backed up by anything

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 15:56

He wants to be equal

Why does he want to be equal now? Why wasn't he interested in being equal/doing much parenting before they split up?

'Equal' parents don't wait until their relationship breaks down. They change nappies from day 1, do night feeds, do their bit on weekends and share parental leave.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 16:02

[quote roarfeckingroarr]**@Bluntness100* fathers can* be but this father hasn't been[/quote]
Well he currently has rhe child over night one night a week, and becayse he’s currently not doing more, he’s requesting it and it doesn’t mean he’s incapable or so stupid that that one night a week means he doesn’t know what’s involved.

I agree this is about money though, from both him and the op. She wants to continue working part time and have him paying maintenance, he’s telling her get a job and split it fifty fifty.

As he already has the child over night once a week I do not think she can win.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 16:03

@Gliderx

He wants to be equal

Why does he want to be equal now? Why wasn't he interested in being equal/doing much parenting before they split up?

'Equal' parents don't wait until their relationship breaks down. They change nappies from day 1, do night feeds, do their bit on weekends and share parental leave.

Well the baby is only seven months so I assume prior the op was on maternity leave, and he was working, so for many families in the first few weeks and months the mother who is on maternity leave does the majority,
Feelingoktoday · 19/11/2021 16:03

[quote roarfeckingroarr]**@Bluntness100* fathers can* be but this father hasn't been[/quote]
Probably because he hasnt been allowed any nights etc.

titchy · 19/11/2021 16:05

But you’re missing the point. Fathers can be th primary carer, plenty are. He wants to be fifty fifty, no court is going to say he’s incapable as he’s a bloke.

I'm not missing the point - you are. In this specific case the mother is the primary carer. Furthermore in the majority of case, the mother is the primary carer.

If the father was the primary carer then clearly he should be the one who continues with the majority of care until it is developmentally appropriate for the child for 50/50.

It's fuck all to do with how competent the father is, it's solely who the child's primary carer is. It's irrelevant what the father wants if it isn't in the best interests of the child.

madisonbridges · 19/11/2021 16:06

@PandaP0p

Oh no no - I don't have baggage. I don't think about my ex partner etc as so long ago

However I have a different opinion to you. And as I said in my first post, I won't be dissuaded from that because I think it's the best for the child and that's where I approach it from. Not from the potential hurty feels of the man.

You'll also see - if you read properly - that I'm a huge advocate for fathers having proper and decent involvement in the baby's life

Involvement that YOU think is proper and decent and it's all at your discretion. A bit like a man advocating for proper and decent women's rights - as long as she's back to make his tea.
titchy · 19/11/2021 16:07

[quote BillMasen]@titchy

If you feel my advocating for dads as equal parents is politically correct sensibilities then I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree[/quote]
You seem to be advocating for equal care regardless of what is in the best interests of the child. You argue 50/50 is best which it is for the father but not the baby. That's being pc - prioritising the wants of the father for the sake of being 'fair' over the needs of the baby.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 16:11

I'm not missing the point - you are. In this specific case the mother is the primary carer. Furthermore in the majority of case, the mother is the primary carer.

What are you talking about? Yes she’s the primary carer to date due to the age of rhe child and likely her maternity leave. That doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. He is saying he wants to share that fifty fifty. He has this right, he doesn’t need to say well you did it all at the beginning so i forego my rights,

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 16:17

He has this right, he doesn’t need to say well you did it all at the beginning so i forego my rights,

It's odd that he wants to go 50/50 just as they're splitting though. Timing's a bit fishy.

titchy · 19/11/2021 16:24

What are you talking about? Yes she’s the primary carer to date due to the age of rhe child and likely her maternity leave. That doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. He is saying he wants to share that fifty fifty. He has this right, he doesn’t need to say well you did it all at the beginning so i forego my rights,

How about reading what I posted. I didn't say it had to stay that way. They can and should work towards it being 50/50, assuming the father is competent, when the child is at a stage where it is beneficial (I suggested from age 2).

It's nothing to do with 'rights' and anyone that bangs on about their rights over and above what is best for their child doesn't deserve the title parent.

It's irrelevant why the mother in this (and the majority) of cases is the primary carer (clearly it's due to maternity policy etc) - the point is that she is, and therefore going straight to 50/50 with a small baby is likely to be detrimental to the baby.

Gliderx · 19/11/2021 16:27

Parents don't have rights, they have responsibilities. I think sometimes people forget this.

Contact arrangements are decided based on best interests of the child. There is no 'right' to 50/50 care, there is no 'right' to be primary carer.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2021 16:29

Honestly titchy I get you’re fighting for her, but let’s be honest no court is going to say it’s not beneficial for a father to be fifty fifty before a child is two. He has the baby perfectly fine already one day a week.