Ex-husband wants 50/50 split of care of baby

[Kate896]

My husband and I have recently split. We have a 7 month old baby. He is currently in my care the majority of the time and my husband has him overnight 1 night per week.

I have asked for him to pay child maintenance but he has refused based on the fact that he wants care of a baby split 50/50.

He proposed that I go back to work full time and he looks after baby most of the time and I pay him child maintenance which of course I do not want. He said as a minimum he wants him 50/50.

What can I do? I know he is entitled to the care split equally but surely for a baby this young it's in the baby's best interests to be with his mother most of the time? How do I get him to pay child maintenance? I am on maternity for another 3 months.
Is it a case of going through the courts if we do not agree?

*loving father (although living also helps….h

Baby is 7 months old. For the baby's emotional attachment and care he needs to be with his mother most of the time. It's nature.

Rubbish. Plenty of mothers are back at work and their child is looked after by Childminder, Nursery or grandparents all week. They grow up to be perfectly well adjusted, loving adults in just the same proportions as dc who have had one SAHP. In fact, lots of little children have a pattern of 1 day with one parent, one with another, two with grandparents and one at Nursery type arrangement.

Not sure who the thread is supposed to have been 'invaded' by ?

Are you a mother? Would you have agreed to your baby/babies not being with you half the time?

I presume most of us on here are mothers, unless people say otherwise. If having our dc with us 1/2 the time was better than staying with the father, then the answer would probably be yes. As said above, lots of us were at work and our dc were being looked after by people they weren't related to at that age.
You have agreed he is a good father.
A few other parents on here have said they have done that exact arrangement and it has worked out well.
Obviously a lot will also be projecting from their own situation where the ex is an ex for some very good reasons and that will be influencing their judgment, but, without that baggage, it is perfectly reasonable to have 50:50 care of the children as a starting point.

At 7 months 50/50 is NOT perfectly reasonable. Particularly since the OP has done most of the parenting in that time.

He isn't entitled to 50/50. You're the baby's primary care giver. He has to pay you maintenance.

My partner left when DS was 9 months. He's now 13 months and I have not let him have him overnight. He sees baby two evenings a week for a couple of hours, feeds, bathed, tidies up etc, does any jobs I need doing here, then for a longer chunk on Saturday or Sunday.

Keep a note of everything. If it goes to court they'll look at babies best interests and status quo. It's harder to take back ground than it is to give it away - so don't allow more access than you're comfortable with. Your baby is so young.

@worriedatthemoment

In a world where we want equality why can't non abusive men have 50/50 or even go for full custody? We say about being with one main caregiver but have no issues putting a child in nursery from 8-6 ? Of course as mums we want our children full time but we shouldn't be surprised that some men also want their children full time

It's different with tiny babies. There's a reason mothers get a year of maternity leave.

Fight it all the way. 50/50 is not good for a baby at that age it's confusing.
Besides that if he's working at home how can he care for a baby?

At 7 months 50/50 is NOT perfectly reasonable. Particularly since the OP has done most of the parenting in that time.

This is exactly what I said happens on these threads. Baby must stay with mother because baby needs mother's care. Then at 1, 2, 4, 6, when the father tries for 50:50 custody, posters say, the child has always been with the mother so it's unreasonable for the father to want more.

@DoctorWhoTardis

Fight it all the way. 50/50 is not good for a baby at that age it's confusing. Besides that if he's working at home how can he care for a baby?

It's confusing for the baby to go to their father who is a consistent carer and presence, but it's not confusing to go to nursery where they see multiple and inconsistent carers. He's self employed so I guess he can alter his hours but surely if the mother wants to put the baby in nursery, it's OK for the father to do the same?

Yes men CAN be just as doting and caring as mums - the strange this is when they choose not to be until they get divorced.

A man who suddenly decides he wants 50/50 upon splitting from the child’s mum, despite never having got up in the night, willingly changed his share of nappies and spent time 1:1 with the child since it was born is clearly just looking for a way to pay minimal maintenance and to punish the mum.

If he was a decent dad they probably wouldn’t be separated in the first place, but given that they are and all of a sudden this guy wants to exercise his parental “right” to have his child 50/50 when he couldn’t give two hoots about 50/50 when they were together says it all.

My DP has 100% custody of his DCs because his ex is fucking useless. I don’t agree that the mum is always the best person to look after a child. However, if the dad has 50/50 it should be based on his ability and willingness to parent I’m every way, not just a desire to avoid paying CMS and a wish to make the mum unhappy. If time with his child was so important why wasn’t he spending it for the last 7 months?

Tell him 50/50 is great because it means you can work and get a decent social life going.

Hes fucking at it. He does not want the baby 50/50. I'd play him at his own game. You'll win.

I’ve seen it said multiple times that little and often is better for small babies. Show that you are not obstructing him from a relationship by ensuring he can visit and spend 1:1 time with your DS several times a week, but that doesn’t need to be overnight at this stage of DS still wakes at night and wants you.

Of course you could try the “give him a taste of it” option and hope it’s so difficult that he backs down but as that relies on your DS being upset then it isn’t ideal. However if a couple of nights of upset at this point save him from the same thing every week from now on, it could be a gamble worth taking.

If you do decide to go down that route, plan a nice weekend for yourself so you’re not sat at home worrying and feeling down. Maybe have a night out with friends so that you’re distracted from it. Funnily enough when he sees that you’re dressed up and ready to enjoy your night off he’ll probably decide that 50/50 isn’t going to be as much fun as a punishment as he thought it was.

My XH started off having our 3 (aged 6-12) for two nights in a row. I cried my heart out the first night and then by the 2nd or 3rd week I started actually enjoying my free time. Would go out with friends and then later on dates. Then the nights became two separate nights, then just one night, and I had to collect them from school and he’d drop them off home the next morning before school, then he fucked off to live in another country and now sees them a couple of times a year! Things change. I haven’t once stood in his way, he’s been able to see them exactly as often and exactly whenever he wanted to.

If time with his child was so important why wasn’t he spending it for the last 7 months?

Maybe because the mother was on paid maternity whilst he was working. And the op has stated that nature dictates that she, the mother, should do the care and the father, her ex, can't be as good at it as she is, so maybe he's picked up on that.

A friend of mine is going through a similar experience OP. It is very hard on her and as much as whether 50/50 is ok or not she really struggles being away from her baby 50% of the time. One thing with my friend she is not sticking up for herself well. It has actually been about 60/40 since her DD was 3 months and now at 1 it has become 50/50.
They ended up at mediation as she only wanted him to have the baby one night a week. He was determined for 50/50 despite working full time. It soon became obvious his mother was going to be doing a lot of the care. She is distraught that whilst she is missing her baby, he is working, the baby is being looked after by his mother.
My point being is make sure you know what your ex plan is if he wants the baby 50/50. I keep telling my friend she needs to be going back to mediation and say if he wants the baby 50/50 he needs to have the baby in his care most of that time his has her. I think he has done it simply to avoid paying child maintenance.
My friends advise from a solicitor is that it comes down to what is best for the child. You are classed as equal parents but that doesn't automatically mean 50/50. I think you would have a strong argument saying as your DC is in your care the majority of the time it would be too traumatic to change that suddenly. That maybe you could build up contact over the period of 12 months to slowly increase it to a level you agree on whether that's 50/50 or not. Good luck OP.

We still haven’t got past this ffs?

Mums are the true parents, they care. Dads who want 50:50 are only doing it to avoid paying. No way they live their kids the same

It’s shit. It happens a lot on here and it’s shit every fucking time

“ If he was a decent dad they probably wouldn’t be separated in the first place”

And this attitude can duck right off too. Divorced dads must be at fault? Must be shitty parents?

It sounds like he’s only doing it to avoid maintenance. Has he got childcare planned whilst he is working, no?, that sounds very unworkable and dangerous.

Although tbh pleased to see a decent proportion of poster calling this out

@Larryyourwaiter

It sounds like he’s only doing it to avoid maintenance. Has he got childcare planned whilst he is working, no?, that sounds very unworkable and dangerous.

Based on what? You’ve just assumed. You know nothing about what he’s suggesting

Bloody hell people. Has everyone missed this is a 7 month old baby being talked about. Not a pre-schooler or school aged child. A small baby. 50/50 is absolutely NOT the norm for a baby. Assuming both parents are competent and child focussed then building up context slowly and aiming for 50/50 in the future, once the child is maybe 2-3 years old, is sensible.

BUT NOT 50/50 FOR A VERY SMALL BABY WHERE THE MOTHER IS THE PRIMARY CARER.

Remember people - contact should be child focussed, not parent focussed.

@NoMoreTractors
Sorry, are you trying to say that all mums are good parents? Don’t be so ridiculous.

Out of all the dads I know who are separated from their child’s mum I’d say 90% of them have had issues seeing their children. Have their children used as weapons against them, have contact stopped when mum isn’t happy about a new partner, or isn’t happy about a maintenance calculation. It’s sadly all to common for mums to use the children to cause hurt to dad (and his family).

It’s disgusting that that 50:50 isn’t the default.

@titchy

Bloody hell people. Has everyone missed this is a 7 month old baby being talked about. Not a pre-schooler or school aged child. A small baby. 50/50 is absolutely NOT the norm for a baby. Assuming both parents are competent and child focussed then building up context slowly and aiming for 50/50 in the future, once the child is maybe 2-3 years old, is sensible.

BUT NOT 50/50 FOR A VERY SMALL BABY WHERE THE MOTHER IS THE PRIMARY CARER.

Remember people - contact should be child focussed, not parent focussed.

Do you object to 7 month olds going to nursery?

Yet again, here we have a slew of women thinking about the poor menz and how very normal it is for a father to have 50/50 care of a small baby

I would bet everything I had that this particular father isn't motivated by a simple urge to bond with his child with purely altruistic motives. No, he will be doing it to gain power and control over the OP. Because if he was a great dad, he would realise that a baby isn't a toy to be passed back and forth because RIGHTS OF THE PARENTS

What about what's in the baby's best interests? You can be as woke as you like but the best thing for children is to live with their mum - in the main. And of course I'm excepting abusive mothers / neglectful Mums/ mums who just don't want to majority parent.

With all things being equal, a baby needs his / her mum most. Bloody hell, my youngest is now 14 and I wouldn't agree 50/50 care at this age... his father wanted it when he was a baby and was told to jog on. Why did he want it? To try and assert himself over me. No other reason.

OP just be firm. I think a night a week is reasonable. I think having the baby as and when suits you both for contact at his house is reasonable. Daily if that suits you both. My point of view isn't coming from a place of trying to deprive a loving dad of seeing his child ... it's just bollocks to try and tell yourself that living 3/4 nights a week is wonderful and stabilising for a child. It isn't

Yet again, here we have a slew of women thinking about the poor menz and how very normal it is for a father to have 50/50 care of a small baby

I would bet everything I had that this particular father isn't motivated by a simple urge to bond with his child with purely altruistic motives. No, he will be doing it to gain power and control over the OP. Because if he was a great dad, he would realise that a baby isn't a toy to be passed back and forth because RIGHTS OF THE PARENTS

What about what's in the baby's best interests? You can be as woke as you like but the best thing for children is to live with their mum - in the main. And of course I'm excepting abusive mothers / neglectful Mums/ mums who just don't want to majority parent.

With all things being equal, a baby needs his / her mum most. Bloody hell, my youngest is now 14 and I wouldn't agree 50/50 care at this age... his father wanted it when he was a baby and was told to jog on. Why did he want it? To try and assert himself over me. No other reason.

OP just be firm. I think a night a week is reasonable. I think having the baby as and when suits you both for contact at his house is reasonable. Daily if that suits you both. My point of view isn't coming from a place of trying to deprive a loving dad of seeing his child ... it's just bollocks to try and tell yourself that living 3/4 nights a week is wonderful and stabilising for a child. It isn't

@BillMasen

We still haven’t got past this ffs?

Mums are the true parents, they care. Dads who want 50:50 are only doing it to avoid paying. No way they live their kids the same

It’s shit. It happens a lot on here and it’s shit every fucking time

This is so unreasonable I couldn't find the right words without using expletives. This might have been your experience but the idea that only mothers care about their children is beyond disgusting. To say that mothers love their children more than the fathers do actually makes me quite sad for you and your previous life experiences.

^ oops ignore this. Sorry @BillMasen, I realise now you were being sarcastic.