Ex-husband wants 50/50 split of care of baby

[Kate896]

My husband and I have recently split. We have a 7 month old baby. He is currently in my care the majority of the time and my husband has him overnight 1 night per week.

I have asked for him to pay child maintenance but he has refused based on the fact that he wants care of a baby split 50/50.

He proposed that I go back to work full time and he looks after baby most of the time and I pay him child maintenance which of course I do not want. He said as a minimum he wants him 50/50.

What can I do? I know he is entitled to the care split equally but surely for a baby this young it's in the baby's best interests to be with his mother most of the time? How do I get him to pay child maintenance? I am on maternity for another 3 months.
Is it a case of going through the courts if we do not agree?

I'm curious what the dad does for a living that means he can care entirely properly for a small baby and juggle his job. Has he tried it? It may be entirely possible.

Other things to consider are the alternatives - if the mum has main care and receives maintenance -would most if this be holy on nursery fees?

Op are you wanting to go back part time?

Bring completely objective a 50:50 plan might work well for this family - both working part time if this is financially viable?

But it won't pay the dad any maintenance!

I'm curious what the dad does for a living that means he can care entirely properly for a small baby and juggle his job. Has he tried it? It may be entirely possible.

Other things to consider are the alternatives - if the mum has main care and receives maintenance -would most if this be holy on nursery fees?

Op are you wanting to go back part time?

Bring completely objective a 50:50 plan might work well for this family - both working part time if this is financially viable?

But it won't pay the dad any maintenance!

Agree @madisonbridges

@PandaP0p - You are clearly bringing your own baggage to the thread and projecting. That doesn't then translate as it being the same for all parents.

we have a slew of women thinking about the poor menz
Why be so patronising?

You can be as woke as you like but the best thing for children is to live with their mum - in the main.
Why?

Do you object to 7 month olds going to nursery?

For alternate weeks, or even alternate 48 hour periods including overnights, yes obviously.

@madisonbridges you misunderstand. I was sarcastically reflecting back what a lot have said no this thread. I absolutely disagree with it

“ I'm curious what the dad does for a living that means he can care entirely properly for a small baby and juggle his job. Has he tried it?”

He might just be capable of managing in the same way mums with jobs do??

[quote BillMasen]@madisonbridges you misunderstand. I was sarcastically reflecting back what a lot have said no this thread. I absolutely disagree with it[/quote]
I'd suggest you refocus your thinking towards what is best for a small baby whose primary attachment is to their mother, rather than what is fair to the parents.

Oh no no - I don't have baggage. I don't think about my ex partner etc as so long ago

However I have a different opinion to you. And as I said in my first post, I won't be dissuaded from that because I think it's the best for the child and that's where I approach it from. Not from the potential hurty feels of the man.

You'll also see - if you read properly - that I'm a huge advocate for fathers having proper and decent involvement in the baby's life

@titchy and I suggest you refocus yours away from mums being the only valid loving parents

[quote Winebefore5]@NoMoreTractors
Sorry, are you trying to say that all mums are good parents? Don’t be so ridiculous.

Out of all the dads I know who are separated from their child’s mum I’d say 90% of them have had issues seeing their children. Have their children used as weapons against them, have contact stopped when mum isn’t happy about a new partner, or isn’t happy about a maintenance calculation. It’s sadly all to common for mums to use the children to cause hurt to dad (and his family).

It’s disgusting that that 50:50 isn’t the default.[/quote]
No, I actually said in my post I don't believe that. Just that in general women are seen as the default parent by the majority of men and men get away with alot of shitty parenting that wouldn't be acceptable for a woman.

@titchy apologies, I see your contribution was to stress what right for the child, we may disagree on when the right time for 50:50 is but we agree that’s what’s important

I confused your input with others, and apologise for my last post to you

[quote BillMasen]@titchy apologies, I see your contribution was to stress what right for the child, we may disagree on when the right time for 50:50 is but we agree that’s what’s important

I confused your input with others, and apologise for my last post to you[/quote]
Apology accepted!

I hope we can all agree that a 7 month baby is certainly way too young to be away from their primary carer for any length of time. And that by 3 a NT child should be ok.

So the question really becomes at what developmental stage 50/50 is appropriate and in the child's interests. I'd suggest that the child should be verbal, and be able to cope with separation - 2 years would be the minimum ime.

Get proper legal advice - firstly regarding the house, start the process of getting that sold and splitting finances.

Then point out that the max he is going to get is 50/50 not a minimum and if he does want 50/50 then it will be equal weekend and weekday splits and he has to recognise that he needs to do childcare on his time and vice versa.

It sounds like at the moment he is throwing out a lot of stuff designed to scare you. Get a solicitor

@titchy the issue with that is that, many times on here, you see mums saying the dad can’t have a toddler 50:50 as they don’t know them well enough, they have a routine at mums, dad hasn’t had them enough to bond, and so it continues.

I respectfully disagree and believe around 6,7,8,9 months is fine. Provided both parents love the child, offer stability, routine and loving parenting, then why not establish that equal bond early

I totally agree @BillMasen

If the baby is not breastfed it's highly likely that he will get 50/50 care of the baby. The judge is likely to like his attitude twords caring for the child as so many men just can't be bothered.

@Theunamedcat

There are studies that dhow 50/50 in under threes is not advised as they need to have a main parent a main home it gives them emotional security

Seriously what is wrong with doing what's in the child's best interests for once why does it have to be 50/50 because that's what the parents want

Exactly. Children aren't pets or property. They are vulnerable human beings who need appropriate care and emotional security to thrive. Hopefully the family court will see this and act accordingly.

The fact he has asked for CM is everything to me. All this reads it’s about money, not what’s best for the child. I’ll look after him, I won’t spend any money on childcare, and you pay me.
I’d keep suggesting he does the odd extra night see how he gets on with no sleep.

I actually do know someone who did a 50/50 with older children, but they still got on well and were extremely flexible with each other. It seemed an ideal split

Probably not what you want to hear, but we do 60/40 and started that at 10 months old and it actually works really really well.neither of us pay maintenance due to the split and baby seems securely attached to both of us.

It can work. Highly recommend 60/40, I read quite a bit around it and kids find this easier than 50/50 apparently.

I respectfully disagree and believe around 6,7,8,9 months is fine. Provided both parents love the child, offer stability, routine and loving parenting, then why not establish that equal bond early
Because babies that age haven't developed the concept of object permanence. In their heads, once mum has gone from sight she has gone forever. That concept starts to develop around a year, and by 2 assuming their attachments are secure, they might miss a parent, but they will know that the parent will return.

@RandomMess

If he took it to court he would likely get 50:50.

I would ask him to draw up a plan to work out moving from 1 might per week out to 50:50 over 3 months and in the MW time he needs to pay maintenance. I suggest you phone CMS urgently and get the ball rolling.

He may well decide 50:50 isn't for him once the reality of that care becomes apparent.

How can you possibly say it would be 50/50 on the little information here? It doesn't help OP to scare her or provide misleading assertions about outcomes.

While certainly 50/50 outcomes are increasing at court, they are not the most frequently occurring arrangement, especially for babies.

OP, mediation may help in terms of having an opportunity to press your husband on how he plans to care for the baby practically given his work. But ultimately if there's no agreement then one of you will have to make an application to the court. It is important not to agree to anything as an interim arrangement that you wouldn't be happy with longer term.

Agree with PP that child maintenance from a self employed person is a bitch to pursue.

I'd offer him a 3-4 day 'trial' with a view to doing 50/50 when you go back to work from mat leave. Don't pack anything, don't prepare anything, just hand over the baby and go. He's a parent, he'll figure it out. And your baby is old enough that you're due a bit of a break . In the long-term it's better if they have a dad who has some experience of actually parenting them for extended periods.

He'll either surprise you and muddle through or he'll retreat pretty quickly from the idea of 50/50 care.

Doesn't sound like you're going to get much CM from him so I'd prepare to manage financially on your own.

@Gliderx

I'd offer him a 3-4 day 'trial' with a view to doing 50/50 when you go back to work from mat leave. Don't pack anything, don't prepare anything, just hand over the baby and go. He's a parent, he'll figure it out. And your baby is old enough that you're due a bit of a break . In the long-term it's better if they have a dad who has some experience of actually parenting them for extended periods.

He'll either surprise you and muddle through or he'll retreat pretty quickly from the idea of 50/50 care.

Doesn't sound like you're going to get much CM from him so I'd prepare to manage financially on your own.

“Offer” a trial

Yet again, mum is the real parent, the custodian, generously offering to let dad care for his own child

Bloody hell, my youngest is now 14 and I wouldn't agree 50/50 care at this age

Which quite frankly is quite an appalling attitude. I know a few mothers in real life who cling to the 'mum is best' outdated mantra that sadly are still going to great lengths to restrict the access of the fathers to their now teenage children, even when the kids themselves want a more equitable split of time. It has caused a huge amount of hurt, damage and resentment over the years. The fathers in question were not wannabe Disney dads, abusive, neglectful or just useless, they were capable, organised loving parents who wanted an equal active role in their children's lives.