Ex-husband wants 50/50 split of care of baby

[Kate896]

My husband and I have recently split. We have a 7 month old baby. He is currently in my care the majority of the time and my husband has him overnight 1 night per week.

I have asked for him to pay child maintenance but he has refused based on the fact that he wants care of a baby split 50/50.

He proposed that I go back to work full time and he looks after baby most of the time and I pay him child maintenance which of course I do not want. He said as a minimum he wants him 50/50.

What can I do? I know he is entitled to the care split equally but surely for a baby this young it's in the baby's best interests to be with his mother most of the time? How do I get him to pay child maintenance? I am on maternity for another 3 months.
Is it a case of going through the courts if we do not agree?

There is no reason for a loving dad not to have their child 50:50. Why should a mum get more time with the child unless there is abuse involved.

Those of you who say that a child shod have a stable base, then why not with the father ?

OP contact the CSA asap to get maintenance sorted. If he is worth it he will go to court or you could come to some arrangement yourselves.

I think 50/50 can absolutely work and it’s not only good for the child but it’s also good for you too.
It’s not easy being a single parent and working, paying childcare costs, doing all the housework etc is a hell of a lot easier when you have half of your time free.

I’d think about your reasons for not wanting 50/50 contact.

I think 50/50 contact works great until they go to school and then it gets more difficult.
I also think a lot of parents (usually fathers) want 50/50 but actually they don’t, so I’d call their bluff.

Those of you who say that a child shod have a stable base, then why not with the father ?

Because the stable base should be with the parent who has provided the majority of care before the split. In almost all cases that it still the mother, certainly when the child is very young and the mother still of maternity leave. For the few fathers who provide most of the care, of course the stable base should be with him.

@dreamsarefree

Completely disagree with *@PandaP0p and @sandybeaches74*

XH and I share DC 50:50 and it works well, we are all very happy with the arrangement. I'm sure DS would like us to live together but he has two stable homes and parents that love him and spend great time with him

@dreamsarefree How old were your DC when you went to 50/50 care?

@dreamsarefree

Completely disagree with *@PandaP0p and @sandybeaches74*

XH and I share DC 50:50 and it works well, we are all very happy with the arrangement. I'm sure DS would like us to live together but he has two stable homes and parents that love him and spend great time with him

A child needs a main home. They're not a relay baton

Parent wants 50:50 custody…why is this an issue?

You’re on mat leave, that’s why you’re doing the majority of the care atm? Surely this would change when you went back to work anyway.

Why not 50:50? Why do posters complain if fathers don't want to step up and complain if they do. A father is just as capable of being a good and living parent as a mother.

My friend has been doing 50/50 with baby's dad from very early on.. 3 months I want to say but I can't quite remember. Her DS is nearly 7 now and it seems to work really well. That being said they're not the least bit acrimonious and have handled it super well which is probably very important in stabalising their son.

DP has had his boys 50/50 since his divorce when they were 14 months and 3.5, again it's not been an issue. His was court ordered, his ex took him to court for a different split and lost. I live in a country where this is considered the norm though.

I'm not sure it's entirely fair to say baby has to stay with mum because she's provided most of the care in the first year. Men don't get the same opportunity with parental leave, and presumably he had to work to keep paying the bills while on leave. Both parents play a part.

How is he doing with the overnights already? Does he work? I'm not sure saying men want 50/50 to not pay maintenance is accurate either as surely the cost of the childcare they'll rack up is more than most CM calculations, based on mothers on here lamenting that the CM covers practically none of their real costs.

"Men don't get the same opportunity with parental leave, and presumably he had to work to keep paying the bills while on leave. Both parents play a part"

@Rtmhwales

He is self employed (office based at home) so had the option of sharing the childcare 50/50 whilst I was on maternity leave and still living with him. He chose to work 5 days per week.

'Maternity/paternity leave' can be equally shared for those men who are employed.

Why do you presume he paid for everything whilst I was on maternity? I used my savings to continue paying my half of the mortgage, bills, food shop etc. All house costs and baby stuff costs have been equally split whilst we were together. I never relied on him to 'keep me' during maternity. Also he told me to move out with our baby son. He is carrying on living in the big 4 bed detached house because "that's where his office is". I have had to move out with our baby son. I've had the upheaval of a move while nothing changes for him. Goodness I sound bitter don't I! I'm not, I'm just highlighting the fact that I am not being 'kept'.

@madisonbridges

Why not 50:50? Why do posters complain if fathers don't want to step up and complain if they do. A father is just as capable of being a good and living parent as a mother.

Are you a mother? Would you have agreed to your baby/babies not being with you half the time?

I am sorry but if you are not a mother then you would not understand. You have not experienced the level of intense protection you have for your baby. Yes yes of course exH will experience that level of protection too. But as the mother who has grown and pushed out a baby and been with them 24/7 it is entirely different. You can't say it's the same for a man. It isn't. It's nature.

And agreeing to 50/50 when a child is older is a different matter entirely and of course would be ok. Because those children have already had that continual care from their mother in the bag. They have already been through that stage and are older. Even if they are at nursery 4 or 5 days per week, their mother has been there in the morning and evening every day. There has been no real separation.

This thread is about a baby. 7 months old. Not older children/ toddlers.

Agreed he is a good father.

I, however, am the mother. I am the one who soothes and comforts when dad cannot. Many many times when I was living with him, he would hand baby back to me if he couldn't soothe him. And DS would instantly settle. Baby has spent only 2 nights with exH so far and apparently DS didn't sleep well at all and exH did not sleep a wink. Doesn't that say everything that baby needs me at this stage in his life? As I say, when he is older, things will be different. We're talking about a baby here.

Baby is 7 months old. For the baby's emotional attachment and care he needs to be with his mother most of the time. It's nature.

I'm quite surprised by the responses here. This is a tiny baby. As if anyone would be happy to hand off their infant 50% of the time. I understand the needs for dads to be involved and would praise any dad that wants this much input but it's clearly motivated by finances and control in this situation.
Why should the OP be expected to be happy to just hand her baby over because he says no.

@RandomMess

If he took it to court he would likely get 50:50.

I would ask him to draw up a plan to work out moving from 1 might per week out to 50:50 over 3 months and in the MW time he needs to pay maintenance. I suggest you phone CMS urgently and get the ball rolling.

He may well decide 50:50 isn't for him once the reality of that care becomes apparent.

No he wouldn't. This is a 7 month old baby.

Nope! His main consideration here is the money he doesn't want to pay you not your child. I'd be saying no and going to mediation. You can find one online.It costs about £120 for the first meeting and the government can contribute up to £500. If this is unsuccessful he can apply through the court for a child contact order.

Re the child support id be applying straight to the child support agency.he has shown his true colours and needs to support to his child financially.better off doing this part through proper channels.

OP you don't need to go to court. You need to go to the child maintenance service and apply for maintenance.
You need to carry on with the current contact status quo. If he wants to change it then he needs to go to court.

OP its a very old tactic that works very well.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee is right.

I agree about the thread invasion, very strange 🤔

@worriedatthemoment

In a world where we want equality why can't non abusive men have 50/50 or even go for full custody? We say about being with one main caregiver but have no issues putting a child in nursery from 8-6 ? Of course as mums we want our children full time but we shouldn't be surprised that some men also want their children full time

I sooooooo agree. Why do they say on here when a man wants joint custody he is trying to punish or "control" the mum. Do men not love their children as well? Are they not allowed to want to be with their children?.

Oh wait they can only be with the kids when the mum wants. Anything the dad does that mum doesnt like is " controlling and abusive". I wonder why men have kids, it doesnt work out for them at all.

I agree that this thread has been hijacked. 50/50 is not normal for a 7 month old and courts won't force it on them as they need a primary care giver. Stand your ground.

Most courts will say build up to overnight by 1 to 18 months then build up to 50/50 when thr child is older.

And yes I do agree that 50/50 even to an older child is damaging as they lose security.

I highly doubt courts would rule 5050 on a 7mnth old.

Op I think this thread has been hijacked. Don't take to much stock in the responses you have received.

Speaking from experience of your Ex is self employed, don't bank on maintenance. It's incredibly easy for him not to pay, or to pay peanuts

People standing op for fathers rights is suddenly “high jacked” or “invaded”. Maybe we understand that both parents are equally important, maybe we’ve seen the heartache, the trauma caused when parents are denied access to their children, maybe we don’t believe a father (or mother) should need to pay thousands in lawyers fees to see their child.

Baby has spent only 2 nights with exH so far and apparently DS didn't sleep well at all and exH did not sleep a wink.

I'd cal his bluff, and hand over baby for 3 nights. That's a long time without sleep, give him a taste of it. See if he's so keen once he's experienced it but also had it explained that 50:50 means no money coming his way.

(Why is the thread considered "invaded" if you get posters who disagree with the OP?)

No. He had the opportunity when you were together to be a hands on dad and he chose not to.
This is clearly money related and aimed at hurting you
Claim cms. Offer him an appropriate level of contact. For small babies that is little and often. So something like 2 hours 5 days a week

Suggest a plan to change this as your LO grows older and is able to spend more time away from you.

Make sure all your proposals talk about what is in the best interests of your child

Call his bluff. He’s obviously under the impression babies ( and the toddlers they become) are easy work. He’ll quickly learn they are not!
I’d give him sole care Sunday afternoon to Wednesday evening and see how he gets on