Ex taking me to court over child arrangements

[sushipushi]

A bit of background info.

I met my ex in university around ten years ago in Exeter. After a year I fell pregnant.

We both moved to my family town 230 miles away so I could be near my family for support. After our son was born, the relationship broke down and I left him. He moved back to Exeter where his job was after he could not stay up here as he knew no one and said he had no support job etc.

For the last 8 years he had made all travel arrangements to come and see our son and pays me maintenance, probably more than CMS calculator states. I have rarely met him for pick ups and drop offs, maybe a handful of times over the years if I have been down his way for work etc. I was happy with this as I don't drive and it keeps my costs down.

Recently, in October we went to mediation as I wasn't happy with him introducing his partner to my son so soon and a few other things. In this my ex stated that he can no longer afford to meet me, he has moved back to his family area which is 250 from me. He also has a child who is 2 years old from a different partner.

In mediation we agreed that I would meet half way on the train. But it's not been working for me. I have to walk to station, get two trains. And then back again. And then again when I get ds.

This was every three weeks and we'd share all holidays.

We went back to mediation where I have now said I am no longer doing the travel. If he wants to see my son then he will have to come and collect him and drop him to me. He said this is not doable due to the 500 mile trip- he states this is too dangerous now as he is older and working a lot it would be unsafe to drive to pick DS up 5 hours then 5 hours back to his. He also states it costs too much and before it put him into a financial rut. Apparently he owed his dad £7k over the years to borrow money to come get our son and hotels etc.

I said well maybe not see him every three weeks and just have him holidays so the travel is broken down. He can pick up from school and then drop him back to me at end of half term. I still want half the summer holidays though.

He is not happy with this and is now taking me to court. The mediator has agreed she can no longer help as I am refusing to compromise with the travel.

Will the court enforce me to meet halfway due to the distance? Will they say he has to take the money out of my maintenance for cost?

He cannot get a train as he would have to get a hotel over night as the train journey is 6 hours long each way.

I'm not sure where I stand as I do not want to meet him half way. It's too long and tiring and costs too much. Please advise? Am I screwed or will the judge say he moved away so it's up to him to come and collect and drop off as that's what most sites say. Thank you!

ask a solicitor

Thank you- will try

It's hard to say. Could frankly go either way. The biggest sticking point is that he's moved so far away though. The court won't care about your expense or the inconvenience of having to use trains as you don't drive so I'd strongly advise not making that part of your argument as it won't go down well. All family court hearings are based on what's best for the child alone. Wait and see what happens with court though. He's in a lot of debt and court is expensive! It might be an empty threat. Professional advice definitely needed though, as well as considering what you will compromise on

The courts don't order maintenance other than in limited circumstances. That is dealt with by the CMS. It is open to your ex to refer maintenance to the CMS at any time in which case their calculation would determine how much he pays. He would be able to apply for a variation to take into account the costs of contact.

Given the distance, the court may consider longer but less frequent contact, possibly supplemented by regular Facetime or Skype calls in between.

The court will not be interested in your feelings about him introducing your son to his new partner. You cannot control who your son meets when he is with his father. Similarly, he cannot control who your son meets when he is with you.

Why did you agree to meet him halfway in mediation and then renege on that? That's pretty crap of you.

And why do you think putting your child in a car driven by someone who has been driving for up to 10 hours is a sensible idea?

Have you considered learning to drive and meeting him halfway? If it enables your son to have a proper healthy relationship with his dad, it may be worth it. Once every three weeks shouldn't be too tiring.

Can the son travel alone on the train yet? If not offer to do the journey as long as he covers costs?

I am learning to drive currently, so hoping to be driving soon.

I arranged to meet half way as I thought I could manage it but I just can't do it. The cost of it being the main thing.

I guess it will be up to the judge.

No ds is only 9 so cannot travel solo.

I did say in the last mediation to up FaceTime calls three times a week and that he has ds half terms and we share summer holidays but he would have to pick up from here and drop off to me.

How would you feel if he was the one who had moved away and you were expected to do all the running? I appreciate it’s harder for you because you don’t drive yet but meeting halfway does sound fair. Is there nobody who could help you by even giving you a lift or whatever? Even to the second train so you only have that one to catch?

@Elieza

How would you feel if he was the one who had moved away and you were expected to do all the running? I appreciate it’s harder for you because you don’t drive yet but meeting halfway does sound fair. Is there nobody who could help you by even giving you a lift or whatever? Even to the second train so you only have that one to catch?

He was the one that moved away

Yes, we met and lived in London- when I was pregnant we moved to my family town. When I broke up with him he left to go to his family town for support and work

You have to do what's best for your son, and that's likely to be meeting half way.

OP, I think the court will definitely take into consideration that your child's father is the one that moved away. I went through something similar in the US and what is in the best interest of the child is the standard here as well. However having a mother who is well rested and not stressed by a situation created by her ex is considered to be in the child's best interest. Consult a solicitor but I wouldn't worry too much about it. He moved and he needs to figure it out.

Hmmm. Sounds to me like you’ve had things pretty much your own way and when you threw your toys out of the pram about him introducing his girlfriend, it prompted a “fuck this!” reassessment in his part.
I don’t know what the court would order, in our case it ordered 50/50 drop-offs but the distance was much shorter.

What if he pays your travel costs? Could that be a compromise?

The courts change their views on this periodically. As others have said they go by what is best for child but I believe the fact that he moved away will not be viewed favourably. Let him have the expense of legal action. Check out wikivorce too.

Honestly, you sound a bit selfish to me. I understand that he moved away and it's costing you which is not your design but that's the nature of separated families.

I'd be loathe to make my ex's life easier and reduce his costs when he's been so awful and avoided responsibility over the years but your son's dad sounds reasonable, so I wouldn't be able to feel guilt free allowing him to do a ten hour drive and not contributing whatsoever to handover myself.

I definitely feel that you should both be breaking down the journey. For some journey and child contact context, my husband's ex moved with their child 5 hours away and they split the journey between them equally for monthly and holiday contact. I think that's reasonable even though the extra cost is out of his control as in your case.

I'd reassess and avoid it getting to court if I were you. I'm fairly sure they'd settle on keeping the consensus as being fairer and more beneficial to your son. And your ex has a point about the danger of the excessive journey.

@LightDrizzle

Hmmm. Sounds to me like you’ve had things pretty much your own way and when you threw your toys out of the pram about him introducing his girlfriend, it prompted a “fuck this!” reassessment in his part. I don’t know what the court would order, in our case it ordered 50/50 drop-offs but the distance was much shorter.

I agree. You don’t come out of this looking good OP.

Surely you can reread your first post and see he has been more than reasonable?

I think you’re being unreasonable as you’re clearly not compromising. This will paint you in a bad light. None of your reasoning is valid. It’s more dangerous for a child to be in a car with a driver who’s been on the road for 10 hours, than to travel halfway on the train with his other parent instead to alleviate the driver fatigue. You’d understand if you could drive.

The judge wouldn’t rule 100% in your favour, you would be expected to take on something eg some expenses/some travel yourself. He’s taken on the sole responsibility for 8 years so it’s not like he’s been difficult about this forever, nor has he recently moved. Therefore I’m not sure to what extent his actions would be seen as unreasonable, particularly if he’s being genuine about his financial situation changing

The only thing guaranteed is that something will change compared to the previous 8 years of “handoffs”, you won’t get it 100% your way anymore

Remember that a child is at the centre of this - arrangements will be placed based upon the child’s best interests, not yours

Honestly Op I think you're getting a hard time here. He moved hundreds of miles away from his child in the full knowledge that it would difficult and expensive to maintain regular contact. It is not particularly great for a child to be toing and froing such distances on a very regular basis and as he gets older he might be resentful of this. See a solicitor. I can't personally see a sheriff or judge forcing you to spend money you don't have to facilitate his contact when he chose to move so far away.

My suggestion:
If he paid maintenance via cms, he'd be eligible for travel expenses.
My initial suggestion would be to suggest that he uses the advisory fuel rates to calculate what he is eligible for re the mileage. And that he deducts this from his gross salary. Then he uses the cms calculator and uses the gross salary minus the travel allowance and pay the minimum it suggests.
Now this could mean that he does this and still pursues court anyway.
Or you could offer to provide the cost of half of his travel and accommodation costs using say the tesco petrol prices and multiplying by miles etc as long as he doesn't pursue court. It really depends how much you don't want to do half of the travel.
If he can prove that he's struggling with the travel all of these years and has done 8 years of travel, I think that though there's an argument for the precedent being set, it could also be argued that this is because he's "decent" even given that the only reason you both relocated was for your benefit re your support network.
And certainly, he probably has revealed a significant card with regard the health and safety element. We're you offering him 3 half term weeks, two weeks at Christmas and Easter plus 3 weeks in the summer if he didn't have the 3 weekly visits and undertook all of that travel still? I'm not sure, tbh, if that's fair on your child, to have no real quality holiday time with you either beyond the summer.

You poked the bear, when you were unreasonable about his new gf, even if your intentions were in the best interests of your child and this is sadly the consequences, when you previously had it cushty financially and in terms of effort.
Ultimately there has been a push for both parents to undertake the travel. Be it one drops, drive halfway or some other combination.

You said you met at Uni in Exeter! In any case, he only moved with you where you are for your own benefit, he had nothing to gain from it, do you're being very narrow minded to consider that he should do all the travel whilst you just get nine of the responsibility.

You also day that he pays more than what he has to in maintenance so why can't this go towards the travel.

I agree that you are not coming up well here, very much, I don't like something so I won't do it even though it's for your ds's best interests.

I feel sorry for your ex.