Son remanded into custody

[Samdwoman]

DS (19) was remanded into custody today after court appearance until May 25th. I can’t find anything out. He used his 5 minute phonecall to ring me but was just in a state crying. I don’t know who his solicitor is or whether he will get a psychiatric assessment when he arrives at prison or anything. He’s previously attempted suicide and was detained under mental health act.

I know what he did was awful but he’s my son, he’s very immature for his age and he’s terrified. Any idea what will happen now?? How do I find out who his solicitor is?

Sorry you are going through such a worrying time.

You can call the prison health centre and tell them about your son's vulnerability. They won't be able to discuss things with you til they get his permission. But in any if the prisons I have worked in they would definitely act on your information.

Ghouls - the OP is looking for support and advice on how to make sure her son is properly cared for. Stop asking for details irrelevant to the post.

Given what she admitted he’d done on her thread yesterday it’s reasonable to wonder whether Mumsnet is an appropriate place for her to seek support and disingenuous of her to ask for support from people who are in the dark about the nature of the crime.

I think the op is worried and wants help. Revealing again the true nature of what and who else was involved would likely mean that support was not forthcoming for reasons many of us saw yesterday.

Regardless of what he did, this is about his mum getting advice. Do we stop being mothers just because our child does something dreadful/illegal?

Unfortunately I don't think they can tell you anything due to data protection. There is a government helpline for families, but also charities like Nacro might be helpful

Flipping heck, you can love the child and hate the crime.
I have 1 DC who I have picked up from a police station after being told I had no rights to know what had happened as he had turned 18 the week before and 1 whose job it is to put people behind bars.
None of us are perfect in our child rearing, you do the best you can and bloody well hope it's enough. When it isn't, you try and help them do better.

Given what she admitted he’d done on her thread yesterday it’s reasonable to wonder whether Mumsnet is an appropriate place for her to seek support and disingenuous of her to ask for support from people who are in the dark about the nature of the crime.

I felt the same way at first, and then I realised that there is a difference between supporting the OP and supporting her son. Do her son’s actions mean the OP can’t herself be supported? She’s not the one who’s committed a crime.

I don’t know the answer by the way. I’m just thinking out loud.

I agree! I was interested to know what he'd done but wasn't about to give the mum a hard time if it was something bad. If it's a terrible crime then that makes the worry and stress even worse. Non of us know what situations our kids might end up in.

She’s a mum seeking help, why wouldn’t Mumsnet be an appropriate place for that?

I don't care what her son has done. He clearly has MH which may have lead to his actions.
My friend's son had all kinds of police involvement as he took a knife to school. Why did he take a knife to school?
Well he's autistic and highly anxious. The transport company changed his driver without warning. Same car, driver with official ID. Friend's DS nipped back indoors "for a book" but armed himself with a knife "in case the man wasn't safe".

School found the knife and got police involved.
He didn't use the knife but its easy to imagine he might have done had he felt threatened.

So give the OP a break. Offer support as I did to my friend when she was struggling.

This is Mumsnet and should be about parents, supporting one another and not tearing them down.

OP hope you are okay and that you get some answers today. He's

No advice but sending love to you, what a horrible thing for a parent to have to go through.

Amazing how two near identical threads can go completely opposite ways just by leaving out one choice piece of information.

I did see the other thread @Sparklfairy and it sounds like other posters here didn’t either.

I’m not asking for details but please do speak up if you think people should know the facts.

Someone's already mentioned it upthread, although not fully @RedRed9

Tbh I'm torn. MN threads can turn in an instant and she's got lots of useful information and support that she didn't get yesterday. I'm not sure I'd be flapping about being so very concerned for my son if I were in her shoes though.

OP,

If your son is on housing benefit, this can be paid up to 52 weeks if he is on remand. I'd suggest you access his flat and speak to his landlord first.

You'll be able to trace him through find a prisoner service, which he will have to agree to once that service locate him.

He will be asked about his family once he is processed properly. As a remand prisoner, he will have certain rights. Unfortunately, until he contacts you, you'll have to sit tight. He will be asked his next of kin. He will have access to a pin number where he can call you. Unfortunately, prison visits have been cancelled.

There has been a lot of good advice here. Speak to Prisoner Familes and give Unlock a call. They're very good and will guide you through.

@sparklfairy

You'd abandon your child if they were in trouble?

If you knew they had MH problems and had been struggling?

Wow!

@Walkingtohealth I said I probably wouldn't be flapping, not that I would abandon them. What I said and what you said are two totally opposite ends of the spectrum

OP I just wanted to send some kind thoughts, I can't believe some people have been so harsh. I have a 19yo who, so far, has caused me very little trauma. I am thankful for that everyday, but also very aware that most of that is luck, which could change at any time. In your situation I would be devastated and terrified and I certainly wouldn't consider him an adult to be left to sort his own mess out. My parents would be desperately trying to help me, if it were me, and I'm 50!

I hope you find the solicitor and are able to get some information that puts your mind at rest.

I think it’s also clear many folks don’t know what occured, hence the responses. It’s the ops story to tell and I personally fully understand why she doesn’t want to post it again on here.

If it was my son, I wouldn’t abandon them no, I’d do everything in my power to help also, but that help would also extend to not just protecting him but also the others,, and I’m not sure I’d be telling people on line either, but I do think if I did I’d maybe comment more on the impacted individual (s), as that’s the really big thing here.

I think overall it feels like the op is trying to justify her child’s actions, to excuse them, but I also understand why she would do that. The response on here would be horrific otherwise.

Overall I think she’s in a very very difficult and stressful situation.

@Walkingtohealth I agree with you. G-d forbid any of these posters find themselves in the OP shoes one day. Wonder how they'd feel then if they were desperate for support and received the same reaction.
OP as a mother who loves her child, you must be going through hell.

@Bluntness100 my thoughts exactly, with everything you said.

I dont think OP has tried to excuse her son's actions, she just wants to know where he is.

it's not helping to hide it, I just think it's rape or child abuse or both, with all the speculation.

No it’s not those lilac, it’s best not to speculate, it’s the ops story to tell.

OP hasn't asked for support for him but for her. What he did is irrelevant to the question being asked, which is about a mother coping with a terrible situation.

I hope that you are doing as well as you can be op