Ex wife and holiday requests

[GreyBack]

Hello

I’ve been divorced for a few months and I have my 10 and 13 yo daughter son Monday, Tuesday, Friday and every other Saturday night. I pay the child maintenance payments based on my having them 2-3 nights a week (so I pay more than I should).

My work requires me to occasionally be out of the country for odd days and a whole week three times a year.

I plan those odd days to be when I don’t have the kids, and the whole weeks I try to make up by having them more before and after.

I love spending time with them but I think my ex wife just sees them as a burden.

I am in a new relationship and me and my new partner would like to be able to go on holiday once a year, just the two of us. My ex wife is refusing to let me have a week ‘off’ from looking after them so I can get on with my life, despite the fact that I am having them for a solid three weeks over the summer where they will be coming with me and my new partner to Spain for a beach holiday.

The children are very mature and I’ve spoken to them about me having a holiday and they are both fine with it. They get on well with my partner and they want me to be happy.

What am I able to do in regards to my ex-wife? She is basically just bitter because she feels that our marriage breakdown (I left 2 and a half years ago) was 100% my fault and therefore wants to punish me by not allowing me to have a healthy new relationship.

I look forward to any advice you can give

Hi Op, completely agree with you in that it takes a little give and take and compromise. It's all doable but your ex is simply being spiteful. As you say, remind her that if these are the rules she is setting, then these are the rules she will also need to abide by in the future. Nothing wrong with you wanting a holiday with your new partner and your kids sound very mature to also understand this. All the best.

I'd go somewhere wed-sun/mon if it's possible to arrange sleepovers with schoolfriends on the friday. If she is being awkward rather than genuinely can't have them on your nights then you can't really do anything about that. If she genuinely can't then you can't do anything about that either.

I’d probably just say to her, I’m going away for a week, it’s up to you if you don’t want to spend the extra time with them, it’s fine my mum/sister/whoever would love to see them.

Preferably pick a relative she doesn’t like. (Ex Mil usually a good bet)

Next thing you know she will be demanding that her children won’t be staying with your mother/sister and she will demand they stay with her.

I’ve read too many post on here where mothers don’t approve of their ex’s choice of childcare.

What a ridiculous comment

Your ex sounds like a piece of work, and you sound like a really good father. Read a book titled say goodbye to crazy.

I'm sure the end of the relationship wasn't "100% your fault", it takes two to tango. You give her a 3 week breather, she needs to return the favour. She will not (trust me, she will not) do it willingly, so you need to think of something else. Have one of those extended business trips like someone suggested. Have an illness. Explain you will only do 3 weeks in a row in the summer if she gives you a week off. Start refusing money for CMS + "extras" (you are paying extras - I know you are) unless you get the time. You get the idea.

Also, don't ask your children if you can go for a holiday with your wife. I appreciate this comes from a good place, but you should make arrangements to go, and then explain to your children what you've decided and why, and listen if they have any questions etc. Small children shouldn't take any responsibility/ have a final say in adult matters. They aren't adults. You take them for a holiday - you don't have anything to feel guilty about. You have children but you know what - you are still allowed to have a life

She is only getting those weeks because she has covered for him while he had taken multiple work trips away on what should have been his time with the kids. It's time he owes. I think she is being unreasonable (and shortsighted) in not agreeing to the week off but that doesn't change the fact she has already helped him out by covering his childcare responsibilities.

@Pearlyb read the OPs posts. He is not giving her 'a 3 week breather '. This is to make up for the times she has had to do full weeks to cover for him as he went away with work. Would you describe those times as 'breathers'? She's actually been quite flexible in picking up his slack.

ZOMBIE THREAD

You missed the part where he’s taking them abroad for 3 weeks, meaning mum gets 3 weeks off I take it - put glasses on before engaging keyboard 😅

She's obviously hurting.
Suggest mediation/counselling.
For the sake of her kids she needs to be stronger. You might just have to suck it up while you explore why you divorced.
I was pretty much your ex tbh. I've just sat with my ex going through the diary with both of us urging the other to have me time/couple time breaks, agreeing to extra days in return for being able to go do something. Etc etc.
It did take a shit load of support for me to get to this place.
You seem very much we split up, she should play fair. I think you need to put more in

My husbands ex partner treats the kids like her friends tells them adult things, makes fun of other family members to the children, talks about me and their dad very negatively ...kids have zero respect for me...been 2yrs now and it feels like its never going to get any better....they have been separated for 5yrs....the kids love their mum and think that everything g she says is golden....any advice thought....I'm really drained with it and cannot see any change in the future...it feels.like they are just lodgers in our home
..we have them 5days one week 2 the next...