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Original poster

Ex wife and holiday requests

61 replies

GreyBack · 01/08/2018 11:06

Hello

I’ve been divorced for a few months and I have my 10 and 13 yo daughter son Monday, Tuesday, Friday and every other Saturday night. I pay the child maintenance payments based on my having them 2-3 nights a week (so I pay more than I should).

My work requires me to occasionally be out of the country for odd days and a whole week three times a year.

I plan those odd days to be when I don’t have the kids, and the whole weeks I try to make up by having them more before and after.

I love spending time with them but I think my ex wife just sees them as a burden.

I am in a new relationship and me and my new partner would like to be able to go on holiday once a year, just the two of us. My ex wife is refusing to let me have a week ‘off’ from looking after them so I can get on with my life, despite the fact that I am having them for a solid three weeks over the summer where they will be coming with me and my new partner to Spain for a beach holiday.

The children are very mature and I’ve spoken to them about me having a holiday and they are both fine with it. They get on well with my partner and they want me to be happy.

What am I able to do in regards to my ex-wife? She is basically just bitter because she feels that our marriage breakdown (I left 2 and a half years ago) was 100% my fault and therefore wants to punish me by not allowing me to have a healthy new relationship.

I look forward to any advice you can give

OP posts:

Collaborate · 01/08/2018 11:30

It's a tough one. If you say you're simply not available, would that mean there would be obstacles in the way of future contact?

What would you do if the mother wasn't around and you wanted a week away without them? Is there family that could look after them in the week you're away?

Want2bSupermum · 01/08/2018 11:34

A week off?!? Sorry you don't get a week off from your responsibilities. Going away 'just the two of you' is absolutely ridiculous. Its not like either of you have been through rough years of young children either.

If you really want to go away on your own can't your DC stay with your parents?

BIWI · 01/08/2018 11:37

Don't be ridiculous @Want2bSupermum. Of course it's possible to want and to have time off from your responsibilities every now and then. And the OP looks like he's doing his fair share of child caring and rearing too.

YeTalkShiteHen · 01/08/2018 11:37

If you phrased it as “a week off” she’s probably got pissed off and reacted.

Does it have to be a week? Couldn’t you do a long weekend with your new partner? My XH regularly drops DS1 (from the contact he demanded in the first place) for holidays with his “new family” (his words, not mine) and it really hurts DS1.

VikingVolva · 01/08/2018 11:43

I don't think you should change your schedule with the DC because you want a holiday.

3 weeks is about half the summer hols, and so you are parenting for half, not making some major concession.

If you want to take your new girlfriend on holiday, it'll have to be weekend breaks fitted really undo the contact schedule, or you will have to ask for unpaid leave and then juggle days to make up the parenting time you have missed.

What you must not do is shortchange the DC by becoming less available to them. If they are really fine with your going away, then book them in to a week's residential camp whilst you go away. But remember you can only go within an hour or two travelling time of the camp, in case either falls ill or is injured and you need to pick them up.

Using paid childcare is what all working parents do, when their leave is insufficient to cover all the time they need to be superintending the DC.

OrangeMarshmellows · 01/08/2018 11:44

My husbands ex wife has lots of holidays just her and partner and hasn't once taken stepson with them. We have another daughter together, so we go on holiday either abroad or the uk as a family and every. single. time. she arranges an aboard holiday with her boyfriend at the same time.

Personally we probably wouldn't go away now just us 2 for a week, but if we were to do it for a long weekend my parents would look after both kids.

Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2018 11:49

I would just go on “ an extended business trip” if I were you

DirtyBlonde · 01/08/2018 11:49

I think your XW is entirely correct - you don't get time off from parenting.

But you can still go away with your girlfriend. But it is up to you to arrange where the DC will be staying whilst you are away.

what is not on is to change weeks so you can holiday with them. After all, how would you cope if XW decided to do the same?

lapenguin · 01/08/2018 11:56

The easiest option is to find someone to watch them on what would be your days

ThisCannotBe · 01/08/2018 12:03

If you were still with your wife and you decided you wanted a holiday without the kids, what would you do then?

orphanblack1 · 01/08/2018 12:08

Give the bloke a break - he’s entitled to get on with his life. It’s important for both parents to form new, string loving relationships if they want to and that can only benefit the children.

I’d point out to her that at some point in the future she might meet someone and might want the odd “alone” holiday with them and does she really want to be setting a precedent that this isn’t allowed now.

Otherwise I think a strong solicitors letter or back to court. It’s one week once a year and you should be entitled.

It’s very sad that she is using the kids to punish you. At 10 and 13 the court will def take on board the kids views and they’re fine with it

Alwayscheerful · 01/08/2018 12:11

Does your x wife book a holiday with the children? If so , go on holiday whilst she is away.

Plan an extended business trip, no need to tell her your are taking a holiday.

if you were together she wouldn't get time alone whilst you took the children to Spain so why shouldn't you enjoy a break with your new partner, it's hard work with blended families, having a break together will strengthen your relationship. It is not wrong to need a break.

Original poster

GreyBack · 01/08/2018 12:14

Lots of very helpful replies, and a few seemingly odd questions too.

The three weeks I have them is solid, all with me, and I’m taking them on their first holiday. My ex can do what she wants for that time. The remaining three weeks I am still having them half the time so it’s not just a matter of halving holiday cover.

I think that we both should have the opportunity to get on with our lives and is she asked me for a whole week to go away with a new partner and I was able to do it (didn’t have existing commitments etc) I would, plus I’d probably ask to use it as a bargaining chip for similar trips for myself.

The problem I have is my ex believes that I have ruined everyone’s lives and now no one is allowed to move on. She believes that we can no longer have holidays so won’t even consider me having a full week and then her having a full week.

I’m not trying to get out of seeing my kids. They are my best friends. But I just want to have a whole week without them and then follow with a whole week with them. Rather than every other day.

I don’t know how to get her to even listen to me because she shares the same comment as @want2bsupermum but I think there’s an amicable way we can solve this without needing to be spiteful which is what I feel she is doing (and she would probably admit that to anyone including me)

OP posts:

ThisCannotBe · 01/08/2018 12:48

She is being spiteful but if she won't listen to reason your only options are to take the matter to court or source some alternative childcare.

If my husband and I decided on a week away alone then we'd have to ask our parents to step in.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 01/08/2018 12:52

Sorry but I don't you don't get time off from being a parent. I think you should go on a family holiday or arrange trips for when you don't have your children. You manage to arrange work ones around them so you should do the same here.

runningscare · 01/08/2018 12:54

Sounds like your children have good heads on them .... I don't know if it is possible for any family members to have the children while you are away?

Your ex might be unreasonable by not allowing the flexibility... but on your time your ex can't say family members / sitters cant look after your children.

wombatron · 01/08/2018 12:56

I think it's ludicrous some of the replies you're getting here. You are absolutely entitled to a holiday without your children, it's probably the phrase 'a week off' that's riled some. My parents went away without us at times and if this was It sounds like she's being spiteful because it doesn't suit her - if alternative childcare is available to you then I'd use that and fail to be flexible to any requests she has in the future - because when she moves on, she most definitely will ask for favours.

bengalcat · 01/08/2018 12:59

I don't see the problem if you make the time up - however this won't last forever kids grow up - if she won't budge and tbh I wouldn't push it then find someone else to care for your kids . Hell hath no fury as they say so plod on . Good luck in your new relationship .

Original poster

GreyBack · 01/08/2018 13:04

Thanks everyone. I think the best option is to find alternative childcare (not easy as neither of my parents live anywhere close) but I'm sure it'll be workable.

I might see her tonight and give her one last chance to be reasonable. As @orphanblack1 said "I’d point out to her that at some point in the future she might meet someone and might want the odd “alone” holiday with them and does she really want to be setting a precedent that this isn’t allowed now."

But failing that, I'll let her know who is going to be picking them up and dropping them off for those few days

OP posts:

Collaborate · 01/08/2018 13:21

I think your XW is entirely correct - you don't get time off from parenting.

Why not? The XW gets 3 weeks off for herself over the summer. Why shouldn't OP?

1Wanda1 · 01/08/2018 13:28

When you are divorced with kids, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking of your "kid-free" time as a "right". I think the way to approach your holiday conundrum - instead of getting into an argument you'll never win with your angry ex - is simply to deal with it as you would if you were still with the mother of your DC and the two of you wanted to go away alone. What would you do then?

Flexibility re childcare/contact arrangements with your ex only really works if you get on ok. If you don't, then you will forever be stressed about her pulling the rug from under you once you've made plans that depend on the kids being with her. Don't do that to yourself, your DC, or your new partner. Just make other arrangements. Maybe your parents could help?

Belindabauer · 01/08/2018 13:34

Would it be possible to go for less than a week and ask a relative or even ask if the children could stop at their friends house (difficult with 2 I know) on the Friday so you could go Wednesday and return on the Sunday/Monday.

Belindabauer · 01/08/2018 13:35

I also agree that lots of ex's are never reasonable.
My ex h included.

flumpybear · 01/08/2018 13:35

She's being unreasonable but it's because she still bitter and peeved at you. Does she have another partner now? I think perhaps using that to explain that she would need some alone time with a new partner and you could facilitate that when the time arises, and also tell her she's had 3 weeks during your holiday to have a break

Failing that perhaps it's all too raw still and she'll continue to be a bit pathetic unreasonable til it suits her better to have time alone for such a break, perhaps in the meantime yo could arrange for your parents to care for them?

Is she likely to take them on holiday ? U could use this time if yes.

Thebluedog · 01/08/2018 13:37

It’s a tough one, I have similar issues with my ex. The problem is that you wouldn’t get ‘time off’ to holiday on your own or do a hobby, if you still lived as a family, so I can understand your wife’s POV.

She will be getting 3 weeks to herself but you could say that, that, is actually for your benefit and not something she’s requested.

Is she not taking the dc away at all this year, if so could you time your holiday to coninside with this.

I think you need to take aside maintenance payments on this subject otherwise you’ll just end up pissing her off more. Trust me, maintenance payments don’t even come close to paying for dc.

I don’t think there is a resolution to this, you may ‘want’ a holiday with your gf, but you’ve got kids and simply can’t. Harsh but fair. Your ex is getting 3 weeks to herself but that’s to accommodate ‘you’ and not the other way round, so you need to take this out of the equation too.

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