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Original poster

Ex wife and holiday requests

61 replies

GreyBack · 01/08/2018 11:06

Hello

I’ve been divorced for a few months and I have my 10 and 13 yo daughter son Monday, Tuesday, Friday and every other Saturday night. I pay the child maintenance payments based on my having them 2-3 nights a week (so I pay more than I should).

My work requires me to occasionally be out of the country for odd days and a whole week three times a year.

I plan those odd days to be when I don’t have the kids, and the whole weeks I try to make up by having them more before and after.

I love spending time with them but I think my ex wife just sees them as a burden.

I am in a new relationship and me and my new partner would like to be able to go on holiday once a year, just the two of us. My ex wife is refusing to let me have a week ‘off’ from looking after them so I can get on with my life, despite the fact that I am having them for a solid three weeks over the summer where they will be coming with me and my new partner to Spain for a beach holiday.

The children are very mature and I’ve spoken to them about me having a holiday and they are both fine with it. They get on well with my partner and they want me to be happy.

What am I able to do in regards to my ex-wife? She is basically just bitter because she feels that our marriage breakdown (I left 2 and a half years ago) was 100% my fault and therefore wants to punish me by not allowing me to have a healthy new relationship.

I look forward to any advice you can give

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 01/08/2018 13:42

Sorry but I don't you don't get time off from being a parent

lol - feel sorry for you if that's actually what you think

flamingofridays · 01/08/2018 13:45

all this "if you were together you wouldn't get time off"

what so people with children never go on holiday without them?

i'm having "time off" and going away with dp and without ds this summer.

being a parent doesn't or shouldn't mean that you are chained to your kids at all times and are not allowed a holiday on your own ever again

1Wanda1 · 01/08/2018 14:04

flamingoffrodays I think your comment misses the point a bit. Surely the issue is, if ANY PARENT wants to go on holiday without their DC, they need to make arrangements for their DC while they're away. If you are a divorced parent, and get on ok with your ex, then often your ex can have the DC. But if your relationship with your ex is difficult, as the OP's is, then you can't rely on her/him and have to make other arrangements - exactly as you would have to if you were still together and both wanted to go away at the same time.

It's not the same as saying you can't have a holiday without DC. It's simply that no one is entitled to have the other parent look after the DC if the other parent won't play ball. Personally I wouldn't want to rely on the other parent anyway, if they were difficult.

flamingofridays · 01/08/2018 14:29

i'm not missing the point - everyone should be allowed time away from the kids.

if she really cant have them ie she is not there, fine, but its clear she is just being spiteful saying no.

whats the point in shipping them off to a relative when they could stay at home?

its her being a total dick not OP

ThisCannotBe · 01/08/2018 14:38

They will have to be shipped off because they can't stay at home flamingo, their mum is a dick so that is not an option for the OP.

Original poster

GreyBack · 01/08/2018 14:39

Again, thanks for all the comments.

My summary is that I'll have one last 'plea' (and I understand that's all it is - she's not obliged to look after the kids on 'my watch') and if she still doesn't want to play ball then I either arrange third-party childcare, or I don't go on holiday anywhere with my partner unless my ex decides to take the kids away somewhere on her own/with her new partner.

OP posts:

1Wanda1 · 01/08/2018 15:08

flamigofridays the OP can't exactly force his ex wife to have the kids on days when they are meant to be with him, so what do you suggest he does? Just go on holiday anyway and leave them home alone? Would you do that?

Want2bSupermum · 01/08/2018 15:25

You taking your child with you for 3 weeks is your choice. You can't then ask your ex to take her on days you normally take her. You have a standing arrangement where you have her for certain days each week. You can't change that schedule based on you wanting to go away on holiday.

I'm not divorced but I am the child of divorced parents. My father had custody of me and never asked my mother to take us if he was working or away. We went to my grandmothers or my aunts. If he was going on holiday he took us, all 3 of us, with him.

Needing a break from your responsibilities?!? Please don't have more children. You could quite easily take your DC with you and pay for an adjoining room. All you are doing now is setting up your relationship with your child to be challenging. I would not be surprised if your child is left feeling rejected in that you didn't come for your days and she is with her mum while you are with your new girlfriend.

flamingofridays · 01/08/2018 15:44

Just go on holiday anyway and leave them home alone? Would you do that?

erm no, have I said that?

he can arrange other childcare?

my point is that she's being a dick unnecessarily

flamingofridays · 01/08/2018 15:45

Needing a break from your responsibilities?!? Please don't have more children. You could quite easily take your DC with you and pay for an adjoining room

he is already taking them on holiday - he wants a holiday with no children also - what is wrong with that?

he's also discussed it with the children - did you actually read the OP?

Want2bSupermum · 01/08/2018 16:37

Yes I read the OP.

I read that this person thinks that paying for 2-3 days maintenance when the DC are there more than that every other week means he is doing more than his fair share.

I read that he is taking the DC with him for 3 weeks to Spain to fit in with his work plans where he has to work away anyway.

I read that he wants a break from his responsibilities and to go away for a week, leaving his ex with the 2DC on days when he normally has them.

What I have concluded is that he is expecting his ex to fit in with his plans. No thought has been made by the OP as to what the ex had planned on those days when he normally has the DC. Also, wanting to have a break from responsibilities?!? Really does not come across well to say you need a break from your parenting responsibilities when normally he isn't responsible for 3.5 days of the week anyway.

Oh adding that I read his comment about his ex not wanting the kids to be absolute tosh. They are early teens and it's completely normal that they give their mum a hard time and exasperate her.

DirtyBlonde · 01/08/2018 16:59

if he doesn't need to ask for "time off" (because he has arranged childcare, or is taking his solo holidays in the times when the DC are with the other parent) then there would be no thread.

You don't get time of from being a parent (I'm a parent whether my DC are with me or not). And if you want a holiday without DC, when those DC spend over half the year resident away from you, you have plenty of scope to arrange your solo break in the weeks when they are away. As the XW would do, if/when she wants a holiday without them.

Parker231 · 01/08/2018 17:08

Parents, divorced or not, are entitled to child free holidays if they want but need to arrange childcare.

DH and I have always had several holidays a year with our DC’s but the grandparents have been pleased to have them stay so we could have a child free break.

flamingofridays · 01/08/2018 17:18

want2bsupermum are you a member of the bitter ex wives club by any chance?

So basically mum's allowed time off but dad's not because he's not rp.

Want2bSupermum · 01/08/2018 18:47

No im happily married. I have plenty of friends who are divorced and are dealing with exHs who expect their exW to fit in with their schedule. It doesn't work that way. The exW never asked for time off and I did ask in my first post if the DC could stay with your parents.

People have plans and a schedule needs to be respected. Having the DC for 3 weeks is for who's benefit? It reads to me like the OP has been away with work and is now taking the kids for time he/she should be taking them for.

As a married parent if DH told me he needed a week off from his responsibilities I'd give him a boot up the behind. Our DC deserve more than that.

flamingofridays · 01/08/2018 19:42

People have plans and a schedule needs to be respected

Of course but this only applies if you're a woman it seems.

Things go much more smoothly when there's some give and take, some compromise.

I don't think swapping a couple of days is unreasonable at all.

People do have schedules yes but surely they can bend slightly to make everyone's life easier.

BounceAndJump · 01/08/2018 19:45

Find someone to watch them like you'd have to if you were still with your wife. So your parents/other relative, or arrange sleepovers with their friends and reciprocate when you're here to repay the favour.

Hellywelly10 · 01/08/2018 19:55

Your ex is angry because you left her. Shes not going to do anything to support your relationship with your new partner. Go away for a few short breaks with your partner and maybe arrange a summer scheme for the kids so you can get away for longer with your new partner.

Want2bSupermum · 01/08/2018 20:28

No it doesn't apply to women only and the way the OP wrote this, they assumed their ex would step in and cover those days.

The key here is assumed. When someone is doing something for you it's not going to go well if you don't ask nicely. Why should the ex do something nice? You don't know if the ex had made plans to go away on those days or has work commitments. Also this time of year it's expensive to put DC in childcare programs for 3 days. Why should the ex take on that cost. I'm sure maintenance doesn't cover the cost the ex would be paying for childcare.

flamingofridays · 01/08/2018 20:40

So you know he didn't ask nicely?

All it needs is a message "hi ex, please can you have kids xx date and I will have them extra days on xxx date?"

It doesn't need flowers and chocolates regardless of who left who

It's utterly pathetic to not compromise because he left her.

You also have no idea whether she even uses childcare either. Even if she did a good compromise would be "yes I can have the kids on xx date however I am working so they would have to go to xx scheme which costs xx - can you pay for this?"

It baffles me why grown adults play games it really does

ErictheGuineaPig · 01/08/2018 20:47

I'm not going to demonise you for wanting a week away without kids but you do seem to be being a bit dramatic about it. You can 'get on with your life' and have a 'happy new relationship' without a week away together. Loads of parents manage it. You simply don't have the kind of relationship with your ex where you can ask for this kind of favour. It's a shame but there you are. Make the most of the shorter child free time you have available to you and don't waste energy fighting with the ex.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 01/08/2018 21:48

Some ridiculous replies here. OP's ex is apparently perfectly happy for OP to have the DCs for 3 solid weeks this summer (presumably eating into her own contact time) but then wants to deny OP a few days back to have some adult time - of which she gets 3 full weeks! OP, YANBU but if she is going to be, you will have to ask your DPs to help out and simply inform her of who will do the pick up and drop offs. She can then decide whether she wants to change her mind but cannot prevent you from making whatever childcare arrangements you please during your contact time.

PrettyLovely · 01/08/2018 21:59

"I’d point out to her that at some point in the future she might meet someone and might want the odd “alone” holiday with them and does she really want to be setting a precedent that this isn’t allowed now."

I agree with this, She sounds really bitter.

moredoll · 01/08/2018 22:00

I hope you manage to sort it with your ex. A week away doesn't seem like a terribly big ask
As an aside your kids aren't your best friends - they're your kids. They need you to be their father.

WonderfulWonders · 01/08/2018 22:11

Of course you can go on holiday without your DC but you're not entitled to expect your ex to pick up the slack.

Arrange childcare.

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