Please help...desperate and now Social services now involved

[Micramummy]

So I am in the process of divorcing my husband of of over 14 years after finding horrendous catalogue of pornographic and transsexual images and videos on his lap top going back several years including adverts to meet men and women in local woodlands for sex ad photo shoots etc. I have been completely in shock since the discovery and on autopilot for months whilst trying to divorce him and sell the family home.
My relationship with my dd has always been very fractious and she has always been incredibly close to her father. I was always very strict and him always very soft and I was always the career one and him at home a lot more.
I raise my hand and admit that I have smacked her from time to time when she has been out of line but over the last 8 months with all that is going on she has become more and more protective of her daddy and more and more abusive towards me (she is a teenager). She has some knowledge of what he has been doing-cross dressing/internet etc and actually thinks it’s ‘cool’ and tells me I am prejudice and he hasn’t broken any laws etc: She actually says she blames me because I was always at work clearly she doesn’t know the sex/pornographic/videos part!
It rips me apart every time he is sat on her bed with a take away loving the limelight while she barely even lets me in her room and tells me daily she wants to live with Dad when the house is sold etc....
On two or three occasions over the last 8 mth we have got into a horrible confrontation and I have slapped her. I know this is wrong and have apologised to her after and tried to talk to her but there is just no getting through and I feel totally helpless in this complete horror story that I am living in.
Because of my stbxh I have lost my 17 year relationship, my family, my beautiful home is on the market, my daughter hates me..... and now she has told the school I hit her and they have reported me to social services !!!
I’ve now got to have a CAF and I am a professional women and could end up losing my career aswell as everything else.... I honestly don’t know what to do and almost took an overdose yesterday because I am so desperate

My ex dh would eat with ds in his bedroom just to exclude me. It’s pure manipulation. If I tried to join them dh would shut door in my face.

Op inspite of the appalling circumstances you have messed up badly. You are the parent and it’s your job to care and cherish dd. It’s so hard but you must ensure you can prioritise her over your grief.

Things are damaged so it’s right you are out of her way and enlist the support of everyone you can. Get yourself set up with a new home and a bedroom for dd to come to when she’s ready - and be prepared this could be a long time.

Do not divulge any more of dh behaviour (as tempting as it is) as it’s sex based and screwing with her head and is hugely damaging. That is abuse.your dh is emotionally abusing her by taking full advantage of her hatred of you for his own ends.

You are in an impossible situation and you need to start again from scratch.

I hope you can get the support you need.

Oh and get all the evidence of his cheating.

And tbh your daughter will grow up and understand why you divorced but not why you are abusing her. Speaking as an adult child of divorce my parents behaviour to each other had no bearing on my feelings towards them, only how they treated my and my sibling did. They made a point of not criticising each other to me and I have a lot of respect for that. Any attempt to bad mouth the other parent would have made me dislike the bad mouther. The odd slip complaining about them is human , totally forgivable but doing it on purpose is Emotional blackmail.

OP, you have said this:

I was always very strict

I raise my hand and admit that I have smacked her from time to time when she has been out of line

On two or three occasions over the last 8 mth we have got into a horrible confrontation and I have slapped her

I smack her when she is extremely naughty and hurtful,

she wont talk to me and just sticks up for her dad because he has never raised his hand

The reasons I have smacked my dd are nothing to do with my ex's behaviour they are to do with dd behaviour!

You use smacking/slapping as a form of discipline and I stick by my belief that at the moment you are taking out your frustrations on your dd because of the situation you are in with your dh. You say you feel terrible about your behaviour towards your dd but that didn't stop you slapping her the second and third time did it?

Smacking or slapping is not acceptable and it clearly isn't working is it? The result is as you are experiencing - your dd has no respect for you and prefers to be with her father.

I’m With Bluedoglead. I’m genuinely struggling to understand what STBXH has done that’s so disgusting that he’s not fit to be parent to DD.

He’s had sex with other people. Horrendous and immoral behaviour, but I’ve never before read any thread when posters suggested that an adulterous parent shouldn’t and couldn’t be trusted to look after his or her DCs.

Filmed/photographed himself doing some form of sex act (not clear whether alone or with others). Again, this isn’t exactly uncommon. How many people have taken pictures or videos of themselves, either to spice up things up with their partner or to send to their partner if they’re apart? Are we really now saying that anyone who’s done that is an unfit parent, because if we are then there must the thousands of people who need their access to their DCs changing.

You mentioned adverts for photo shoots - were they for photos of himself dressed as a woman? Because that’s not sexual, per se. Indeed, assuming that STBXH is genuinely trans then it’s entirely to be expected that he might choose to live as a woman in the future. As a genuine question, are we saying that trans parents shouldn’t have access to their DCs purely because they’re trans?

Replied to adverts for hook ups in the woods. Casual sex. Again, are we going to say that any parent who has had a ONS is unfit?

Is it the sex in public that’s the issue? Because I’d lay money that most people of this thread will have had outdoors sex at least once.

Look, I can totally see that as his wife, you’ve been treated appallingly. No-one has said otherwise. He’s been a total dick to you, and you’re absolutely right to divorce him.

But it would be entirely wrong for his relationship with his DD to be impacted by any of this. He has been and remains her primary carer. Of course she’s close to him, even leaving the slapping out for the moment. She certainly doesn’t need to know details of his affairs, any more than any other child does whose parents are separating because of one parent’s infidelity. She knows it’s his fault and that’s all she needs to know.

And I also agree that your language about what you have actually seen has been deliberately disingenuous. Repeatedly.

I'm not going to judge you as others have. You've had a crap run of things. I think they both treat you like nothing. If your house is in joint names. I'd seriously consider moving out till the divorce is done.

PS Daddy may be a tad less Disney when he's on his own with the brat (she has been tbf) 24/7. Sadly, he's treated you badly and she's learnt to emulate Daddy. You are well aware you shouldn't have hit her. Time to get counselling. You need some space. Would she be safe and well cared for with him? Does he work? Can he provide for her?

If you did have her as a single parent do you think you may hit her still? Would it not be easier to leave? Wishing you all the best and hope this soon improves. He's destroyed so much. You need to really consider what's best for you and her.

If you ever want to talk. I'm here.

Forgive me if you have said that he was definitely having sex with others in your house, but you are rather drip feeding and I wonder if your daughter is right and you are most upset by your husbands cross dressing. If he is making videos of himself dressed up and performing sex acts then apart from keeping it from you, he hasn't done anything wrong. You sound desperate to paint him as a monster because he is transsexual and the "takeaways on her bed" is that leading to you accusing him of grooming her?
I can't imagine hitting a 14 yr old for putting herself in danger. I'd be so relieved that I'd found out and she and I would talk about what she was doing and how she could get hurt.
I don't think SS will do anything, you are small fry, but I do think your daughter should live with her father.

Has he actually had sex with anyone else?

Chachacha...
I have said in a recent response that I have not tried to stop her seeing ex and do not intend to and he is a good father and they love each other! I am not saying he is an unfit or unsafe parent.
How he has treated me and what I discovered cut me up and I will take a long time to recover from that betrayal and humiliation.
I do think he is manipulating her a lot at the moment and I understand she is hurt by me and my hitting her then him breaking up the family. That hurts...
My behaviour, my slapping was and is unacceptable but again, as I have said, It cannot be undone.

I appreciate and understand the anger towards me and accept it.
I have asked and will continue to ask for help and spend the rest of my life trying to build and have a healthy loving relationship with my dd and hope that once the house is sold and I can offer her a fresh start with me, she will give me a chance. If not then I will wait and be there for her no matter what

I think that now SS are involved, you need to be completely honest about everything. What you found, how you've coped and that you're struggling. Parenting isn't a skill that we're born with, we learn along the way - and for every time we get it right, there are many times that we also get it horribly wrong. The main thing is that we learn from it. You've got to be completely transparent now and honest. What your DH has done is nothing to do with you or your fault.... he's been lying to everyone for years, probably including himself and that has to stop. You may have a chance with your DD with professional help involved - you have a chance now, it's up to you to take it. I hope things get better for you.

There’s a difference in terms of unsafe behaviour between filming himself wanking and doing nothing wi5 it, posting a pic of him as a woman on a dating site (which are fantasy) and going out to a wood and actually having sex, or bringing someone back to the marital bed for sex.

I think you’ve worded things ambiguously so as to give the worst possible impression.

My comments were as much to other posters, TBH.

But equally you did say upthread that you have tried to use his behaviour as a threat to your DD - that if you were to tell SS about all you’d seen then presumably they’d take some form of (unspecified) action against him. So it’s pretty misleading to now say that you haven’t tried to separate them or made suggestions that he’s an unfit parent.

I do agree that manipulation by either parent is unacceptable your daughter should not be used as a pawn in this and both of you are wrong in trying to do that.

I also agree that what you have discovered will take a long time to come to terms with but you cannot put that on the shoulders of your daughter.

You mentioned adverts for photo shoots - were they for photos of himself dressed as a woman? Because that’s not sexual, per se. Indeed, assuming that STBXH is genuinely trans then it’s entirely to be expected that he might choose to live as a woman in the future.

You could be very wrong here, ChaChaCha. Autogynaephilia (getting a kick from being dressed as a woman) is very much a sexual fetish. The majority of late transitioners - ie older men seeking to transition later in life - have AGP.

If your daughter's behaviour on the internet is dangerous (which it is if it is how you describe) then you should make SS aware and any other professionals who can help her.

I meant it’s not sexual as an image.

I meant it’s not sexual as an image

What do you mean? For the person in the picture it certainly is.

Is it inappropriate in and of itself? In isolation perhaps not: pictures of Perry Grayson or Eddie Izzard in women's clothing aren't inappropriate as such. But it would surely be inappropriate for a 14 year old girl to find pictures of her dad dressed in women's clothing for sexual thrills? As much as finding him decked out in bondage gear or wrapped in cling film or as a toddler or whatever.

I disagree.

Plus we have absolutely no evidence at this time that STBXH has shown DD such photos, or stored then in a place where she might access them, or that he has autogynaephilia, or that such photos even exist (the OP said she found adverts, not photos).

Well done Qvar and Begrateful, your comments devastated me.
WTF is a 'scavenger'?! I hate myself enough, I'm a rat?!
I know the law thanks. We don't know OP didn't leave a mark. Anyway legal just about doesn't mean morally ok, and lots of countries ban hitting kids at all. Thanks for the patronising though.
Projecting?! YES I WAS HIT and otherwise abused and have mh issues as a result, ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY?! I CAN RECOGNISE AN ABUSER.
It is not ok what op did and awwww bless posts do not help
thanks BOTH for your vicious comments that I have hated and doubted myself for days over. I would have had every sympathy had OP posted about the clearly twat husband and struggling with DD BEFORE she got to this point or even had she sounded remorseful instead of more pissed off that SS are involved and it might affect her precious high flying career.
Maybe I did read read that wrong.
I NEVER meant to hurt OP. She needs to realise though. I do prioritise a minor teen but I wasn't being gratuitously hurtful.
Maybe I am wrong and evil. Sorry if so.
Ignore me. Go on with the thread.

Fuck ignore me am a stupid freak twat

You’re not wrong and evil. Re-read the thread and you’ll see that the majority of the posters agree with you.

But reading objectively, the posters you named weren’t particularly viscious in their posts, so if this thread is triggering for you then don’t re-read at all and just hide it.

I’m really really sorry you suffered as a child, and just as sorry that you’re still suffering now.

I care most about the clearly vulnerable 14yo DD tbh. Sooooo sorry. Don't fucking bother attacking me again you two nasty vicious individuals. I'm hiding this thread. Well done.