Please help...desperate and now Social services now involved

[Micramummy]

So I am in the process of divorcing my husband of of over 14 years after finding horrendous catalogue of pornographic and transsexual images and videos on his lap top going back several years including adverts to meet men and women in local woodlands for sex ad photo shoots etc. I have been completely in shock since the discovery and on autopilot for months whilst trying to divorce him and sell the family home.
My relationship with my dd has always been very fractious and she has always been incredibly close to her father. I was always very strict and him always very soft and I was always the career one and him at home a lot more.
I raise my hand and admit that I have smacked her from time to time when she has been out of line but over the last 8 months with all that is going on she has become more and more protective of her daddy and more and more abusive towards me (she is a teenager). She has some knowledge of what he has been doing-cross dressing/internet etc and actually thinks it’s ‘cool’ and tells me I am prejudice and he hasn’t broken any laws etc: She actually says she blames me because I was always at work clearly she doesn’t know the sex/pornographic/videos part!
It rips me apart every time he is sat on her bed with a take away loving the limelight while she barely even lets me in her room and tells me daily she wants to live with Dad when the house is sold etc....
On two or three occasions over the last 8 mth we have got into a horrible confrontation and I have slapped her. I know this is wrong and have apologised to her after and tried to talk to her but there is just no getting through and I feel totally helpless in this complete horror story that I am living in.
Because of my stbxh I have lost my 17 year relationship, my family, my beautiful home is on the market, my daughter hates me..... and now she has told the school I hit her and they have reported me to social services !!!
I’ve now got to have a CAF and I am a professional women and could end up losing my career aswell as everything else.... I honestly don’t know what to do and almost took an overdose yesterday because I am so desperate

RumerGodden , what would that achieve? DD will not believe any info against her df, OP can hardly show the images, they will start the battle for residency and dd already wants to live with df, so the relationship with dm who is preventing that, will go completely downhill! There is now evidence that dd is in any way affected by his other life. He was primary carer. SS is not interested in his double life, they are interested in well being of the child, and she would tell them how happy she is with df and she knows nothing about his double life (evidence to SS that it didn't affect dd).

You keep mentioning “if I report the full extent of his behaviour they will say I beat DD up” who exactly are you planning on reporting the behaviour to? What he has done is disgusting and abhorrent because he was married, not because the act is disgusting (as much as you may disagree) if he was a single man, none of his behaviour is illegal or wrong in away way, so there is no one to report it to.

You have, on multiple occasions assaulted your daughter. Cold hard facts. You need help. It’s understandably a lot of pressure you’re under but if your husband had given you a slap on multiple occasions the mn brigade would be dropping the flowers and up in arms. You can’t hit people even if you have made them. You need to get help for that hopefully social services will assist with that. Be compliant and respectful, own up to your behaviour and work with them.

Your DD is in no danger with her father so let her make her own choices. For those saying “she will see his true colours” apart from her StbxH being a cheat (not condoning) what is his true colours? He’s not abusive to her?

Can you take any holiday from work OP to de stress and get your head bsck together? Once you’re in a better place you can work on a relationship with your dd again.

OP I'm so sorry. This is truly an awful situation. I think you're probably doing the right thing in moving out. Do you have somewhere to go? The only consolation I can offer is that Time Will Tell. This will pass. I would be completely honest about everything with SS - about how they're blackmailing you and your H's porn etc. With everyone else, say as little as possible. And just keep telling your DD that you love her and that things will get better.

Just to say if you are having a CAF assessment it seems that social services have decided your situation is below the threshold for social services intervention. You should (as a whole family and indivdually) be able to receive a lot of support through the CAF and as part of the CAF assessment process you will each have the opportunity to have your thoughts and wishes considered including your daughter

Actually, I'd guess that CAF assessment in this case stands for "child and family", ie the single assessment process which replaces the old initial and core assessments. So yes, at the level of social work involvement.

A lot of LAs are phasing our the old CAF (common assessment framework) terminology that was used at the level below social work intervention, precisely because of the confusion since the introduction of the single assessment

To your daughter, this situation is very clearl cut. One parent hits her and one doesn’t

^^^ This is what is boils down to.

You need to apologise profusely for hitting your chikd( if you haven’t already) and promise her you will NEVER do it again.
If you can’t make this promise then go and get some counselling about controlling your temper.

You have every right to hate what your H is doing regarding porn etc. He sounds awful. It’s now your job to protect your DD, so start behaving in a fashion which makes your DD feel safe.

OP you need to start talking to your DD who is growing into a young woman, instead of slapping her. You are hurting but sharing how you feel with her and talking to her about her Dad, and how that relationship made you feel is a better outlet than losing your cool.

Fuck that. I think SS would be v interested in how safe a father he might be given the evidence that he lived a double life and invited strangers into the home to film pornography

And you'd be entirely fucking wrong...
What exact risk is there to his daughter from this behaviour?

Assaulting your child on the other hand....

Do you think his sexual behaviour is a risk to your DD?

If not, it seems like he has behaved very badly towards you, but has been your DDs main carer and has never been violent to her. It does seem clear that she is better off staying with him. If she is a teenager then she can choose.

I do feel sorry for you OP, but by smacking and slapping your child repeatedly you have caused this rift with her.

Promise yourself. Promise yourself that you will NEVER EVER hit her again. EVER. Go now and stand in front the mirror. Look at yourself. And promise yourself.

You do this for many reasons: for her, for you, for your self worth. However how bad it gets from now on, even if she turns away from you, says nasty things, you will now physically walk away.

you will never give her any opportunity to use this against you in the future. because when she stop doing that, she has very little to go back you against you. that's what you need to realise.

Take back the power.when this sinks in, you will realise how sensible this is.

I think if this was about a father smacking or slapping his DD on more than one occasion then there wouldn't be flowers in people's posts. I think the OP would be being told to leave ASAP and protect her daughter. I think Brokengirl has a point.

Completely agree.

Plus not as simple as just selling the house so you can get another mortgage. Especially if he is RP.

This is all about you. At no stage do you try to see it through your daughters eyes.

Social services is now involved because you hit your child. You say you apologise after, but you don't mean it, because you continue to do it. Then apologise again, then do it again.

There are two issues at hand, your marriage and your abuse of your child. You need to separate the two.

Stop pitying yourself and thinking it's all about you. There is a girl here involved in a horrible home environment, parents at war and a mother who abuses her.

Try to focus on her, her needs and not yourself and your very own pity party.

he hasnt been the sole carer, I worked hard and long hours and was the main breadwinner but he worked full time too, just less hours and not shifts etc so had a bit more time with her.
The last 3-4 yrs all of her holidays and days trips and weekends away etc have been with me, he hasn't come along because of 'work or seeing his son' actually we all now what he was doing now!
I have apologized to dd and promised to never it her again, last time was a month ago when she did something that shocked me to the core and we had already talked about and I had forbidden. NO that doesn't justify it, not at all, but yes I am under immense stress and together they are a force that I just cannot protect myself against any longer and i feel emotionally blackmailed in my own home.
I cant rent anywhere as the mortgage band outgoing on this house are so high and i am the main earner to pay for it, I am going to my parents house.

And you'd be entirely fucking wrong...

Totally. A parents sex life is nothing to do with the child. As long as the child is not present and does not witness it and the child is safe.

This child is not safe, but it's nothing to do with her fathers sex life. It's because her mother is physically violent towards her and assaults her. That's what social services is interested in, not whom the father shags when the daughter is not there. It's beyond ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

The fact he is unfaithful is between the parents. The daughter should not be aware or informed. The fact the mother is abusive is a matter for all of them inc social services.

I'd also question if the op is minimising her violence. So many of them do.

The one person I care about and pity and worry about the most in this is my dd.
Nobody will ever make me feel like I don't, she knows it and he knows it.
I had admitted to everyone that i am wrong and I bitterly regret what I have done but I also believe that I am a good person who only wanted the very best for my dd and worked hard at a marriage for almost 2 decades of my life and will continue to try and provide a good home for my dd to come back to if and when she wants to

It would really help you if you left the word "but" out of sentences where you describe assaulting your daughter. I don't think you get it, frankly. Even now, you sound like these two people in your life drove you to lose it. They didn't. He didn't drive you to this, although he is a total wanker for the way he's treated you. You need to be able to accept that that was very very wrong and scary for your DD. No buts.
Many, many teenagers will do stuff that will shock their parents to their core. She may well have done all that without the situation in your marriage.
She is the victim in this. Your poor little girl.

Your STBXH sounds like an utter cunt. TBH I think you need his support in explaining to your DD that you are under a lot of stress, in a lot of pain, and maybe unwell or at least not acting yourself. I think you need some space from them both, your daughter even as a teenager won't understand much more than dad is happy and mum is angry. Clearly because she doesn't know or need to know the whole situation.

Don't beat yourself up. I provoked quite a few slaps from my mum. What she did wasn't right, but looking back neither were the things I did or said. Saying that, it definitely opened doors to abusive relationships for me and you need to stop NOW. It models an awful way of handling stress and emotion.

In time, your daughter will understand the pain you're feeling right now. For the time being she's a selfish teenager and you need to keep your emotions about STBXH seperate from your feelings towards your daughter. Work on bonding with her properly, sounds like you need her. Just be careful not to put pressure on her and know that when she is grown up she will have respect and admiration for you making it through this situation, providing you don't irreversibly damage your relationship with her in the process. One day she'll get it, but for now be kind, she doesn't know this kind of pain that you're feeling.

Well said @Begrateful

Did the videos contain just him? You’re not clear.

he hasnt been the sole carer

He is now the RP. That is the point.

For the time being she's a selfish teenager

Selfish for not wanting to be hit by your DM. Ok.

I'm not sure how she's selfish either, simply as she's a teenager. She chooses not to interact with someone who hits her. Good for her. This is exactly the behaviour she should be demonstrating, she should not be saying , yeah it's ok, your under some stress so I understand why you hit me. That way lies a life time of abusive relationships.

I also believe it's right of her to tell. She should not keep her mothers behaviour a secret or lie to cover it up. Again, too many women do this. They lie to cover up the abuse to protect the abuser, they accept the apology time and time again.

Out of the three of them, the daughter is the only one who is behaving in a healthy manner . She should not be insulted or castigated because of it. Instead she should be congratulated for demonstrating boundaries and a healthy reaction in the face of two fucked up parents.

The double standards on MN though.
If for a second, this post was reversed and posted by a man who admitted smacking his DD,jeez the posts that would have followed would probably force the OP to actually overdose.
Ah well glad to see lots of people aren't all about the flowers and "poor OP" drama.
Neither the daughter is not being selfish nor is the husband's behavior illegal though he is a wanker for what he did in terms of infidelity. But that has no effect whatsoever on his relationship with his DD and those of you with your crystal balls predicting the daughter will regret her decision to stay with her df, there is another side where she might actually love staying with her father and all goes well. Atleast she is away from the abusive mother.
AND YES A SLAP IS ASSAULT.
You do need help OP. I hope you get it.

Bluntness Even I wonder how much OP is minimising her violence...
And the constant "but"s in her sentences where she describes assaulting her daughter is like she thinks her behavior was somehow justifiable.

its not justifiable and I have said that
I have apologised
I have stopped
I cannot undo what has been done
I am leaving all that I have to stop the confrontations and give us all space
I have admitted to SS that I hit her
I have been to therapy and paid for family therapy for the two of us to try and work on our relationship but she wouldn't engage as soon as they started talking about her dad
I don't know what else I can do, I don't need reminding what I have done is wrong or to make excuses and I am not an animal