Please help...desperate and now Social services now involved

[Micramummy]

So I am in the process of divorcing my husband of of over 14 years after finding horrendous catalogue of pornographic and transsexual images and videos on his lap top going back several years including adverts to meet men and women in local woodlands for sex ad photo shoots etc. I have been completely in shock since the discovery and on autopilot for months whilst trying to divorce him and sell the family home.
My relationship with my dd has always been very fractious and she has always been incredibly close to her father. I was always very strict and him always very soft and I was always the career one and him at home a lot more.
I raise my hand and admit that I have smacked her from time to time when she has been out of line but over the last 8 months with all that is going on she has become more and more protective of her daddy and more and more abusive towards me (she is a teenager). She has some knowledge of what he has been doing-cross dressing/internet etc and actually thinks it’s ‘cool’ and tells me I am prejudice and he hasn’t broken any laws etc: She actually says she blames me because I was always at work clearly she doesn’t know the sex/pornographic/videos part!
It rips me apart every time he is sat on her bed with a take away loving the limelight while she barely even lets me in her room and tells me daily she wants to live with Dad when the house is sold etc....
On two or three occasions over the last 8 mth we have got into a horrible confrontation and I have slapped her. I know this is wrong and have apologised to her after and tried to talk to her but there is just no getting through and I feel totally helpless in this complete horror story that I am living in.
Because of my stbxh I have lost my 17 year relationship, my family, my beautiful home is on the market, my daughter hates me..... and now she has told the school I hit her and they have reported me to social services !!!
I’ve now got to have a CAF and I am a professional women and could end up losing my career aswell as everything else.... I honestly don’t know what to do and almost took an overdose yesterday because I am so desperate

A slap is assault? I don’t think so.

Of course a slap is assault, you can be arrested for it.

Let her go with her df. I doubt his busy social life will accommodate him time to parent her. In my circumstances I had to allow my ds to see for themselves how neglectful their df really was. They are nc with him now after deciding actually they wanted /needed parenting.

Yes, a slap is assault. You'd report it if a stranger slapped you, wouldn't you? Why are children expected to put up with it?

Your daughter is in a terrible situation. Her father may be coming out as trans, which may be difficult for her. Her parents are getting divorced. Her mother repeatedly physically assaults her. I can see why she chooses to side with the one who doesn't slap her, tbh.

Love her, love her, love her. They all behave horribly sometimes, but she is clearly acting out out of insecurity and grief for the life she used to have.

Porn isn't illegal, no matter how much you don't like it. Your STBXH's behaviour might be unacceptable to you, but unless there is anything in his porn collection that is illegal, then it's above board even if you find it hideous.

His infidelity and behaviour behind your back is shit, yes, but then hitting your child is also shit. That IS child abuse. I'm not surprised social services are involved. You sound awful.

I agree with Snowy. Time will tell. She is a teenager and can start making her own decisions. Let her stay with DF. I understand it is not child pornography you are talking about? Be honest with SS, explain that you are under a lot of pressure and lost it. We are all humans, we do make mistakes. Own up to you, apologise to DD and try to explain how you are feeling. For what it worth it might put your mind at rest. Tell her you love her, care for her and own up to the mistake. Then think of yourself. You need to stay healthy, strong and go through it. I can assure you, after a while, DD will make amends. Just let her go. Explain that you will support her decisions but she also needs to take responsibility if decisions are wrong ones. It is her life, let her do some mistake, no matter how hard you are trying to protect them, children have to learn. Deal with one thing at a time.

I really sympathise with you. You are going through hell. You are losing your temper, which is understandable. Of course, slapping her doesn't work, does it? It doesn't make her change her behaviour. It makes you feel better for a moment, then you feel awful.

I think you need to find some counselling to help you process what has happened. And to work through what to tell your daughter about her father. One day, she will probably find out the reality of what he did and why you split up.

Go to your GP and get a referral for some counselling.

How old are you? I'm just wondering if all this is coinciding with the beginning of perimenopause.

I wish you luck, this is so awful for you.

Okay. Thank you for the supportive comments and I understand others being angry with my behaviour. I am angry with myself..

Firstly, he isn't just looking at porn....The pornographic images and videos contained HIM, many filmed in my family home! some even in my bed!

Secondly, I have apologized to her and she wont talk to me and just sticks up for her dad because he has never raised his hand and is her 'best friend'.

Thirdly, I asked the school for the meeting because I needed support because of her behaviour and I'm not coping

Lastly, I am leaving the family home today. I am being blackmailed by them both that if I tell SS the full extent about his behaviour, They will basically say that I am beating her up. DH said that
'I've never been there when you have hit her so I don't know how bad it is'
Total crap, we have been together for 17 years and if he ever thought I was a threat to our daughter why didn't he say or do something!
He said only two days ago that all of this is his fault and he knows how much I love her and would never want to hurt her....
I honestly don't know what to do. my mum is wonderful support and my friends but I a so humiliated and hurt about this whole situation. I feel totally at a loss what to do

Honestly, I think that the boat has sailed with your daughter. Just focus on yourself. You have a career and you are still young. Move on with your life. It sounds like a horrendous situation. You husband is a complete dick

OP, hold on. If he decides to participate in porn videos, it is his personal life from now on, nothing to do with you no matter what your view on this is. Courts do not want to hear about that. Courts will be interested in child's welfare. You need to come out of the situation with min losses regarding your relationship with dd. Pick your priorities and battles.

You may also want to record their threats on your phone and give all the info to SS.

Forgot to add my relationships with my sons is stronger /better than ever. They respect and love me despite their df version of me bludgeoned into them year after year.

BusyEvenForBee we were a 'happy married couple of 17 years' when I came home and found these images and videos. I don't think its acceptable 'personal life' for a married father if I am honest. Some of them were years old..

If dd leaves with her father, she will see his true colours. Once she sees you are no threat to their relationship and respect her decisions, situation will improve. In the meantime concentrate on yourself, on settling the divorce, keeping your career. You will not lose your dd, she will come around. It is good lesson for you too. Children can be manipulative and play parents against each other. Being physical never helped anyone, you need to understand that. What is done is done now, learn and move forward.

OP, of course it is not acceptable, that is why you are divorcing! He is more than a dick! But your priority now is yourself and you DD. If you think too much on what he up to, you will find it very difficult to cope. As long as it doesn't affect DD of course.

I am packing up as we chat.
The divorce is almost complete, I filed for divorce that same week!

I had a mortgage all ready and just need to sell our home.
I never ever anticipated that I would have lost my dd, my home, my 'family' and now to be under investigation by SS is just crazy and scary and I honestly feel like I am living somebody elses life

Just to say if you are having a CAF assessment it seems that social services have decided your situation is below the threshold for social services intervention. You should (as a whole family and indivdually) be able to receive a lot of support through the CAF and as part of the CAF assessment process you will each have the opportunity to have your thoughts and wishes considered including your daughter.

Please have a strategy in place until you get help if things escalate again with your daughter such as just go into another room and close the door, go out for fresh air etc. I know it sounds simplistic but its necessary. If you do have thoughts of self-harm/suicide please ring Samaritans and visit GP urgently.

Reading this as an outsider, it’s imperative that you separate your relationship with STBXH and your relationship with DD.

Your STBXH hasn’t covered himself in glory, although I tend to be more sympathetic to his situation than some. As long as your DD isn’t exposed to his porn then it’s entirely irrelevant to her. As long as your DD hasn’t been used by him to facilitate his extramarital sexual activity then it’s entirely irrelevant to her. She is etitled to her own view on trans in general and on his trans status specifically, just as you are.

From DD’s perspective, STBXH has been her primary carer (you said in your OP that you have been the breadwinner), he doesn’t slap her, and he has her trust. I think it’s unfair, based on the information given so far, to accuse him of being a Disney Dad - quite the opposite, actually. We don’t know what any of the rows between DD and OP have been about, so can’t say if STBXH is too lax or OP is too harsh.

Your best bet, I think, is to do exactly what you’re doing - move out, take the heat and pressure off all of you, focus on getting your finances and contact arrangements agreed, and the divorce finalised ASAP. Only then can you move on for yourself and for your relationship with DD.

Fuck that. I think SS would be v interested in how safe a father he might be given the evidence that he lived a double life and invited strangers into the home to film pornography.

Given she is a teenager, might be better to disclose this to her as well, so that at least she can make an informed choice so that she knows "living with dad" means living with dad but also having random people access my home to make pornography with dad while i am at school/asleep etc. Can't imagine that behaviour would be acceptable to SS

You will have another home, another relationship and you dd will come around. You will come out of it stronger! Give it time. Stick a middle finger up his way, there is always a boomerang effect. Think of the bright side, you found out now, could be another 10 years down the line, at least you are rid of the 'porn star' now! You will have good days and bad now, but with time it will get better.

OP,
Before you leave, please make sure that you take with you every piece of evidence of his behaviour that you need. Screenshots, everything as well as copies of all financial documents.

This has obviously escalated. Try not to get into any slanging matches, no matter how tempted you are. Quietly reassure your daughter that you love her and that you are so sorry for hitting her. Promise that you will never repeat that and that you really want a loving relationship with her. Don't criticise her Dad to her. Just reiterate that you love her unconditionally and you know what you did is wrong.

Micramummy, have a look at this thread in Feminism

You mentioned trans-porn in your op; these women may be able to give you some advice as to how to deal with your husband. When you get your own head straight you will be in a better position to rebuild your relationship with your dd.

Be honest with SS. You are justifiably angry with your husband, it's important you learn not to take it out on your dd.

I would also discuss with SS the possibility of telling your dd some more of what he has been doing, especially what he's been doing in your home, to ensure that some sort of safeguarding is put in place for her when you are no longer there to limit his behaviour.

If you approach it along the lines of "if she doesn't know, how can she protect herself" rather than "I want to tell her to get revenge on him" they should understand where you are coming from.

When you speak to Social Services, my advice would be to be totally honest. You need to be clear about the pressure that you were under. Don't use his sexual infidelity as an excuse for hitting her - but do share it as part of the context for why you have been so desperate.

It may or may not be a safeguarding issue in relation to your daughter - social services will decide. But it is the reason you are divorcing so being clear is important. I would tell them of the threats that your husband and daughter have made to you about sharing the information - just try to do it as matter of factly as possible. Your sole focus needs to be on what is best for your daughter.

Wishing you well. I am sorry that some people have used your thread as an opportunity for a bunfight. Most of us do understand that we are all fallible and when we've made mistakes, what matters is how we try to put them right and to what extent we take responsibility and actually change.

Again - please speak to someone - family, friends, Women's Aid, your GP and get some support for yourself as the pressure on you must be immense.