Please help...desperate and now Social services now involved

[Micramummy]

So I am in the process of divorcing my husband of of over 14 years after finding horrendous catalogue of pornographic and transsexual images and videos on his lap top going back several years including adverts to meet men and women in local woodlands for sex ad photo shoots etc. I have been completely in shock since the discovery and on autopilot for months whilst trying to divorce him and sell the family home.
My relationship with my dd has always been very fractious and she has always been incredibly close to her father. I was always very strict and him always very soft and I was always the career one and him at home a lot more.
I raise my hand and admit that I have smacked her from time to time when she has been out of line but over the last 8 months with all that is going on she has become more and more protective of her daddy and more and more abusive towards me (she is a teenager). She has some knowledge of what he has been doing-cross dressing/internet etc and actually thinks it’s ‘cool’ and tells me I am prejudice and he hasn’t broken any laws etc: She actually says she blames me because I was always at work clearly she doesn’t know the sex/pornographic/videos part!
It rips me apart every time he is sat on her bed with a take away loving the limelight while she barely even lets me in her room and tells me daily she wants to live with Dad when the house is sold etc....
On two or three occasions over the last 8 mth we have got into a horrible confrontation and I have slapped her. I know this is wrong and have apologised to her after and tried to talk to her but there is just no getting through and I feel totally helpless in this complete horror story that I am living in.
Because of my stbxh I have lost my 17 year relationship, my family, my beautiful home is on the market, my daughter hates me..... and now she has told the school I hit her and they have reported me to social services !!!
I’ve now got to have a CAF and I am a professional women and could end up losing my career aswell as everything else.... I honestly don’t know what to do and almost took an overdose yesterday because I am so desperate

[Begrateful]

Arrange for a house meeting to discuss all your concerns. Hopefully, the idiots will change their selfish ways and improve otherwise your best option would be to move out.

It's such a difficult situation to be in, you have to try and not let it drive you insane.

[reallyanotherone]

O/p.

Take some responsibilty.

Your relationship with your dd has failed because of your behaviour. Not hers, not your ex’s, but yours.

Until you accept that you need to change, stop hitting her, and treat her properly, nothing will change.

It’s nothing to do with your work, or your ex's cross dressing. It is all to do with how you treat her, and your refusal to accept it is your fault, you are choosing to blame everyone and everything else.

Go get counselling. Engage with ss, apologise to your dd, and try and rebuild your relationship. Leave your ex to his relationship with her.

His behaviour is between you and him and your marriage. It is nothing to do with the relationship between you and her.

[Jaxtellerswife]

Yes I agree, if actual contact has been made with someone else even via an ad then that's unfaithful. But simply having an ad isn't although it suggests intent. I'm not defending him at all, just saying the actual description of what he's done is very vague. Regardless, it's a horrible shock for anyone
That aside, the issue with the slapping is awful. I would probably want to live with the non slapping parent too.

[Lostlily]

Read more of the thread now. She said she felt sick when looking at the recommended thread. She is obviously still very shocked and dealing with all the repercussions of her actions with dd.
I think she needs counselling to deal with what her ex has been doing and having to live with him for a long time afterwards, not being able to disclose what he has done because of the shame and losing her home. marriage etc like she said....who wouldn't crack under all of that pressure?
What is her ex doing to support her through all of this I wonder

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

Well, in my book, and assuming we’re talking about sexual fidelity:

Looking at adverts - not unfaithful.
Responding to adverts, even if not going through with anything - unfaithful.
Videoing himself alone for his own sexual kicks - not unfaithful.
Videoing himself alone for someone else’s kicks - unfaithful.
Videoing himself with others - unfaithful.

Being trans, cross dressing, etc - not unfaithful, but definitely living a lie and definitely grounds for divorce if that’s what the OP wants.

I appreciate that different people will draw the line in different places.

But the point is that the OP hasn’t actually clarified what STBXH was doing in any of the photos/videos. Which is absolutely her right, of course.

[Lostlily]

I absolutely would consider this being unfaithful too.
'Advertising for people to meet for sex'
What does a man have to do to be considered unfaithful if that is not it?

[loveka]

Of course it is being unfaithful. You don't have to stick your penis in someone to betray your partner.

[OlennasWimple]

If I found the same kind of stuff on my DH's computer (ads to meet up with people to have sex, trans porn etc), I would feel that he had been unfaithful to me regardless of whether he had actually slept with anyone else.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

Me too.

[Jaxtellerswife]

No answer about whether he has actually cheated beginning to think not

[Olicity17]

Op, to be honest your posts come across as manipulative. You are very ambiguous and hint that your exs behaviour some how makes him an unfit parent. Except most of what you hinted at, isnt quite true.

I think you have experienced a very difficult time in your life recently. However i cant help wonder if you are this manipulative in real life and your daughter is aware.

There is no excuse for hitting your child. How many times have you got so frustrated, at work, that you couldnt control yourself and slapped a co-worker. I am betting its zero.

You can control you. You just dont. You are not a bystander in your own life. You have played an active part in where you are now.

[Broken11Girl]

I care most about the clearly vulnerable 14yo DD tbh. Sooooo sorry. Don't fucking bother attacking me again you two nasty vicious individuals. I'm hiding this thread. Well done.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

You’re not wrong and evil. Re-read the thread and you’ll see that the majority of the posters agree with you.

But reading objectively, the posters you named weren’t particularly viscious in their posts, so if this thread is triggering for you then don’t re-read at all and just hide it.

I’m really really sorry you suffered as a child, and just as sorry that you’re still suffering now.

[Broken11Girl]

Fuck ignore me am a stupid freak twat

[Broken11Girl]

Well done Qvar and Begrateful, your comments devastated me.
WTF is a 'scavenger'?! I hate myself enough, I'm a rat?!
I know the law thanks. We don't know OP didn't leave a mark. Anyway legal just about doesn't mean morally ok, and lots of countries ban hitting kids at all. Thanks for the patronising though.
Projecting?! YES I WAS HIT and otherwise abused and have mh issues as a result, ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY?! I CAN RECOGNISE AN ABUSER.
It is not ok what op did and awwww bless posts do not help
thanks BOTH for your vicious comments that I have hated and doubted myself for days over. I would have had every sympathy had OP posted about the clearly twat husband and struggling with DD BEFORE she got to this point or even had she sounded remorseful instead of more pissed off that SS are involved and it might affect her precious high flying career.
Maybe I did read read that wrong.
I NEVER meant to hurt OP. She needs to realise though. I do prioritise a minor teen but I wasn't being gratuitously hurtful.
Maybe I am wrong and evil. Sorry if so.
Ignore me. Go on with the thread.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

Plus we have absolutely no evidence at this time that STBXH has shown DD such photos, or stored then in a place where she might access them, or that he has autogynaephilia, or that such photos even exist (the OP said she found adverts, not photos).

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

I disagree.

[OlennasWimple]

I meant it’s not sexual as an image

What do you mean? For the person in the picture it certainly is.

Is it inappropriate in and of itself? In isolation perhaps not: pictures of Perry Grayson or Eddie Izzard in women's clothing aren't inappropriate as such. But it would surely be inappropriate for a 14 year old girl to find pictures of her dad dressed in women's clothing for sexual thrills? As much as finding him decked out in bondage gear or wrapped in cling film or as a toddler or whatever.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

I meant it’s not sexual as an image.

[RedDogsBeg]

If your daughter's behaviour on the internet is dangerous (which it is if it is how you describe) then you should make SS aware and any other professionals who can help her.

[OlennasWimple]

You mentioned adverts for photo shoots - were they for photos of himself dressed as a woman? Because that’s not sexual, per se. Indeed, assuming that STBXH is genuinely trans then it’s entirely to be expected that he might choose to live as a woman in the future.

You could be very wrong here, ChaChaCha. Autogynaephilia (getting a kick from being dressed as a woman) is very much a sexual fetish. The majority of late transitioners - ie older men seeking to transition later in life - have AGP.

[RedDogsBeg]

I do agree that manipulation by either parent is unacceptable your daughter should not be used as a pawn in this and both of you are wrong in trying to do that.

I also agree that what you have discovered will take a long time to come to terms with but you cannot put that on the shoulders of your daughter.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

My comments were as much to other posters, TBH.

But equally you did say upthread that you have tried to use his behaviour as a threat to your DD - that if you were to tell SS about all you’d seen then presumably they’d take some form of (unspecified) action against him. So it’s pretty misleading to now say that you haven’t tried to separate them or made suggestions that he’s an unfit parent.

[Bluedoglead]

There’s a difference in terms of unsafe behaviour between filming himself wanking and doing nothing wi5 it, posting a pic of him as a woman on a dating site (which are fantasy) and going out to a wood and actually having sex, or bringing someone back to the marital bed for sex.

I think you’ve worded things ambiguously so as to give the worst possible impression.

[JaneEyre70]

I think that now SS are involved, you need to be completely honest about everything. What you found, how you've coped and that you're struggling. Parenting isn't a skill that we're born with, we learn along the way - and for every time we get it right, there are many times that we also get it horribly wrong. The main thing is that we learn from it. You've got to be completely transparent now and honest. What your DH has done is nothing to do with you or your fault.... he's been lying to everyone for years, probably including himself and that has to stop. You may have a chance with your DD with professional help involved - you have a chance now, it's up to you to take it. I hope things get better for you.