Please help...desperate and now Social services now involved

[Micramummy]

So I am in the process of divorcing my husband of of over 14 years after finding horrendous catalogue of pornographic and transsexual images and videos on his lap top going back several years including adverts to meet men and women in local woodlands for sex ad photo shoots etc. I have been completely in shock since the discovery and on autopilot for months whilst trying to divorce him and sell the family home.
My relationship with my dd has always been very fractious and she has always been incredibly close to her father. I was always very strict and him always very soft and I was always the career one and him at home a lot more.
I raise my hand and admit that I have smacked her from time to time when she has been out of line but over the last 8 months with all that is going on she has become more and more protective of her daddy and more and more abusive towards me (she is a teenager). She has some knowledge of what he has been doing-cross dressing/internet etc and actually thinks it’s ‘cool’ and tells me I am prejudice and he hasn’t broken any laws etc: She actually says she blames me because I was always at work clearly she doesn’t know the sex/pornographic/videos part!
It rips me apart every time he is sat on her bed with a take away loving the limelight while she barely even lets me in her room and tells me daily she wants to live with Dad when the house is sold etc....
On two or three occasions over the last 8 mth we have got into a horrible confrontation and I have slapped her. I know this is wrong and have apologised to her after and tried to talk to her but there is just no getting through and I feel totally helpless in this complete horror story that I am living in.
Because of my stbxh I have lost my 17 year relationship, my family, my beautiful home is on the market, my daughter hates me..... and now she has told the school I hit her and they have reported me to social services !!!
I’ve now got to have a CAF and I am a professional women and could end up losing my career aswell as everything else.... I honestly don’t know what to do and almost took an overdose yesterday because I am so desperate

I am so sorry that some posters have attacked you. Its clear that this is a horrible, stressful situation so try and be kind to yourself.
I slapped my son’s face when he was 17 because he said something vile and I was very low and in a state at that point. It happens.
You can move forwards knowing that although you made a mistake it doesn’t have to define the future. Concentrate on that and know that eventually your daughter will grow up and see things more clearly.

Micramummy, have you looked at the thread I linked? I do think those women will be able to help you, not to fix the relationship with your dd, but to get your head around your ex's actions, which might then help you rebuild your life.

All the best.

I am so sorry that some posters have attacked you

Would you have written that to a man who was hitting his kids, or is your sympathy reserved for women who do it because you did?

No one attacked her, but equally the vast majority of us will not excuse it and dish out tea and sympathy.

Please try to remember that no matter how little the op said she did it. This is a situation where social services is now involved due to the physical assaults this girl has been getting.

Abusers do two things. They minimise their behaviour (it was just a slap) and they justify it ( but I'm under so much stress) and then they proclaim their love. (I love them so much).

Anyone who has been abused will recognise it. Anyone can see the pattern in thr ops posts.

But you go ahead and give her some sympathy and apologise for the rest of us not doing the same. For me, you can exclude me from your apology for the rest of us. And I suggest you have the balls to ask the others if they also wish you to apologise on their behalf. I strongly suspect they would really rather you didn't.

So in future, speak for yourself only.

It sounds as if you feel very out of control, not least as slapping isn't exactly something anyone sets out to do. But its something that's happened, several times and probably will happen again unless you tackle this.

You have to get a grip on that behaviour specifically - whether you seek some counselling perhaps to help you come to terms with what's happened, I don't know if social services can give you support or advice on this - admitting you have a problem has to be the way forward.

If she's not a young teen I'd be inclined to let her know that it's not as simple as just being transvestite - my very best friend only found out her dad was a philanderer years after he'd left as her mother kept it quiet - and as a result for years my friend (and the rest of us) thought her mother was mad for kicking such a lovely guy out for "no reason". Poor woman, I feel guilty now for how we used to talk about her.

Making such massive changes to your life is overwhelming and it's no surprise you feel so awful - you need help and support and I hope you get some. You're in the middle of the shitstorm at the moment - things can settle and get better.

I am so sorry that some posters have attacked you

@IrisAtwood Looking forward to you saying that on a thread where a man is hitting his 17 year old daughter.

Oh and 'it happens is no excuse.

Just as an aside, the OP said that she and her STBXH had been together for 17 years and married for 14 years - not that their DD is 17 years old. The only age the OP has stated for the DD is “teenage”.

The reason this matters is because it speaks to how long the DD might be living at home and how dependent she is on the primary carer, the STBXH, for stability. There’s a big difference between 13 and 17, mentally and physically.

Yes, her age will matter a lot. Also does the house have to be sold? Could not one of you keep it on as your daughter's home, rent a bed side and pay the cost of the mortgage to keep the child housed at her home?

Agree with bluntness etc.

Your husband is a pathetic wanker, but as a father that is irrelevant. All the apologies, intervention and promises it won't happen again are a waste of time if you continue to try and explain it, and thereby pretend there are mitigating circumstances. There aren't. It is never ok to take out your frustrations on your child.

It's also quite telling that you are annoyed with your dd for reporting it.

Lots of women deal with far worse partners without taking it out on their dc. If the dd was a newborn the op had slapped with the same force on numerous occasions, and caused lasting physical damage due to the baby's size, I bet it would get a very different reaction.

It's not just his sex life though is it?

If he is filming pornography with multiple unknown partners then there is a very good chance that they are either sex workers and he is paying them, or they are vulnerable in some way and he is still paying them (paying to do drugs together, offering $ etc). There is a much greater potential for risk in this scenario.

Are you saying that in England, social services would be fine with a parent doing sex work from home, while their kids were there, including making pornography? If that's OK, i guess they are also OK with sex workers taking their kids to a brothel for bring-the-kids-to-work day....or a parent taking them to the studio to watch them film their latest release for their popular porn channel!

It's not the same as a parent just having a high number of sexual partners by swiping right on tinder every saturday night after the kids have gone to bed.

And the daughter deserves to know so she can decide whether she is happy living in a higher risk situation.

Sex workers? That’s quite the leap there.

What the OP has said is that she found transsexual videos (containing images of him) and adverts on his laptop. The adverts were to meet people in the woods for sex, and for photo shoots with no location specified. She then clarified that some of the videos were taken in their bed, though not all.

In my experience of amateur porn, it overwhelming involves just one person, usually having a wank, particularly if filmed at home where the person involved doesn’t have sophisticated recording equipment. Clearly, I have no idea if this is the case here, I’m just going on experience.

Even where videos include two or more participants, and again in my experience, the people involved are usually very clearly amateur and filming for personal enjoyment not because they’re sex workers. I’m sure there are exceptions, but the most likely scenario is that the STBXH has found and met up with likeminded people for his sexual kicks. I accept that the videos and trans content are uncommon, but my no means unheard of and certainly not illegal.

We have no reason whatsoever to believe that the DD was in the same building when the videos were recorded.

Unless the OP tells us otherwise, there’s still nothing in anything that she’s posted which puts the DD at any more harm than either parent meeting someone and bringing them home for a ONS - actually, she’s at less materially less risk if the STBXH is ensuring that any sexual activity in the home takes place when she is out.

FOR FUCKS SAKE!

This man posted images of himself in the bed he shared with his wife! He was having sex with other people in that bed. She has found out this man is not the person she thought she was married to. HE has torn their family apart.

And a whole load of people are saying this is OK? That as it's not illegal the OP shouldn't be offended by that? That, if the daughter knew that this was why the parents split up she would be totally uneffected? It is his private/sex life so leave him alone?

Unb- fucking-lievable.

Not one person has said it’s OK. In the context of his relationship with OP.

It has no bearing whatsoever on his relationship with DD.

Yes it does!

She doesn't know the real reason they split up, She doesn't realise the level of betrayal.
She obviously blames the mother for the split. She doesn't know the truth.

And I do think filming porn in your own bedroom behind your wifes back, and bringing strangers into the house for sex shows a serious lack of judgement. A child lives in this house. What if she came home from school early for example?

I had admitted to everyone that i am wrong and I bitterly regret what I have done but I also believe that I am a good person who only wanted the very best for my dd and worked hard at a marriage for almost 2 decades of my life and will continue to try and provide a good home for my dd to come back to if and when

OP you are still minimising and making excuses for your own violence. It's not okay and is the biggest single threat to your relationship with your DD.

Your H is an absolute bastard. He has disrespected you, your family home and is now manipulating your DD. He is making you look completely unreasonable because your DD does not, and should not know what he has done and you have helped him to manipulate your daughter by being violent. He has split you and your DD and you have assisted.

You need to really face your part in this. You need psychotherapy. You need support to manage the unbearable split situation and to try to sustain your relationship with your DD in the face of your manipulative and deceitful ex, because at the moment he has her wrapped around his little finger and your actions are deepening that dynamic. I do feel sorry for you because it's a nightmare situation, but that sympathy is very much muted because you are not taking responsibility for your own actions.

And a whole load of people are saying this is OK?
No it's not Ok.

OP however has assaulted her DD. Or do you think that is ok?

No I don't. I didn't say that.

You've been living in an horrendous situation but unfortunately by being physical with your dd, you have played right into his hands. My mum slapped me when I was a teenager and I've never forgotten it. In fact, I slapped her back. It's going to be very hard to come back from this, as much as I hate saying that.

Please get into counselling, for your own sake. Discuss with them how you might move forward with salvaging a relationship with your dd.

It’s not illegal to smack your children in England.
I’m not saying that’s right but it’s the law.

Do you think it’s helping the situation at all demonisingnthe OP for hitting her Dd?
She has admitted she was wrong, she knows, she has promised to never do it again, she has admitted it to SS, She has apologised to her DD,she has paid for and attended family therapy........what more do you want? Blood? Should she fall on her sword?

This ladies life has been blown to smithereens and she is so obviously devastated by the betrayal, the end of her marriage, her smacking dd, the loss of her relationship with her dd, the loss of her home...........where’s the compassion? Where’s the support from woman to woman? She KNOWS she shouldn’t have hit her DD but constantly banging on about it is hardly going to help her is it??
Obviously some of the posters on here are just perfect and are lucky enough never to have been under such unimaginable stress that they snap. I hope they maintain their calm if they are ever confronted with their husbands making porn videos for years.

OP. I have no advice. But I think you sound like a decent woman who has behaved out of character whilst under terrible stress. The whole situation needs time to calm down. I hope you have lots of support in RL as I don’t see you getting much here.
In time your DD will hopefully come to understand that there’s often more to a story and that you love her very much. Good luck.

Actually, it IS an offence to assault anyone, including your child, but parents have a defence of "reasonable punishment".

Slapping a teenager round the face in a rage is very unlikely to be seen as reasonable punishment.

MrsBert
But surely that would be for the CPS to decide and not the judge and jury of mumsnet.

I don’t agree with smacking but it’s not illegal to smack your child . Since we are not in full knowledge of all pertinent facts after having interviews with both parties it’s not our place to decide wether it was a n acceptable chastisement or an assault. it’s not really helping someone by multiple posts just saying the same thing over and over again.

What’s done is done. You need to move forward with as much grace as possible, to salvage a relationship with your DD.

You need to disengage as much as possible from your husband.

You need a plan for the finances.

And you need some counselling for yourself.

I’m really sorry for the situation you find yourself in, it’s awful. But I am most sorry for your teenage DD.

I smack her when she is extremely naughty and hurtful

This sounds like you still think it is justifiable, and that it hasn’t been one-time only or horrified you enough that you speak of it on the past tense.

It’s completely unacceptable.

Your DD has a right to choose which parent to live with even if it hurts your feelings. As long as her father is not engaging in anything that will harm his child - and a sexual preference is not necessarily likely to do that - then you cannot use his trans-identification against his m, no matter how personally devastating it has been.

If he’s engaging in behaviour that will put your DD at genuine risk, however, then that’s different.

If you're under pressure at work do you slap your colleagues? I'm guessing not as you still appear to have a career. You have control of your actions. You didn't accidentally hit your dd, you weren't pushed in to it against your will. If it was possible to be pushed in to slapping people then those who are prone to it would be slapping adults as well as their children but they're not are they?

If you want to rebuild your relationship with your daughter you need to stop the excuses and own your behaviour. You need anger management and parenting classes and you need to never assault your child again.

The porn, infidelity and the rest of it is abhorrent but it's not an excuse for violence and it's not a reason to keep your daughter away from her father.

The op doesn’t actually say he filmed himself and others in the marital bed, if you read what she has written. Just to be pedantic.

Smacking a teenager is horrible behaviour. It's not a punishment it's abusive. If you were remorseful you would have left the house and got anger management and been horrified at your actions. Instead you stayed and did if again. And again. Only now she has told her school you are suddenly remorseful and horrified at your actions. Because now everyone might find out you are an abuser and your scared for your job.

Leave and let your daughter decide if she's ready to forgive you. Why should she go to therapy with her abuser?

Surely the family court is going to have to decide where DD lives and they will listen to her but she doesn’t have ultimate “rights” to choose. Both parents have behaved badly and arguing is not helping and the Dad’s behaviour isn’t acceptable either. Let an experienced family judge decide and abide by the decision. DD May eventually decide her Dad’s behaviour is unacceptable and quite frankly, to make a reasoned decision, she needs to know about it otherwise it’s biased against the OP. A family court would take everything into account and not just the slapping!